Chapter 13: “B’Elanna, B’Elanna, B’Elanna”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
“Captain’s Log: Stardate 53492.1 Star-Time: 1:54 AM. Star-Of-The-Show: Me. The crew’s morale has deteriorated quickly since Torres left Voyager. And just when we thought it couldn’t get any worse, the crew became even more depressed after Wesley Crusher survived his shooting. I believe that B’Elanna is heading for Vidiian space. I don’t understand why she’s doing that, Vidiian space is some 40,000 light years in the opposite direction... Oh, wait... The producers have just informed me that this will be a continuity-free episode. So let me rephrase: B’Elanna should be arriving in Vidiian space in the next few hours.”
Suddenly, a Federation shuttlecraft decloaks off the port bow. Voyager hails the shuttle and is shocked to find that Dr. Beverly Crusher is the pilot of the ship. Janeway asks, “How did you ever get your hands on that shuttlecraft??” Dr. Crusher responds, “Oh, I did something called an ‘unauthorized shuttle launch.’ It’s difficult to explain, and besides, I doubt you’ve heard of an unauthorized shuttle launch.”
Janeway plays dumb, “Oh wow, you’re right, we don’t do unauthorized anything on Voyager!! So, what can I do for you Dr. Crusher?” Dr. Crusher says, “Well, I understand you have my son Wesley aboard your ship?” Janeway is excited, “Yes!! Yes we do, have you come to take him home with you???” Dr. Crusher says, “No way!! I just came to drop off the rest of his clothes!” With that, ten suitcases are beamed to Voyager and Dr. Crusher’s shuttlecraft vanishes. Janeway says, “I doubt we’ve seen the last of her.” Chakotay screams, “Janeway!! If you say that one more time, I swear I’m going to kill you!!”
Meanwhile... in Vidiian space...
Torres has been abducted by an evil Vidiian surgeon. When she wakes up, she realizes that she is fully Klingon. Torres says, “My God!! What have you done to me, you’ve used my DNA to split me into two beings: Human Torres and Klingon Torres!!”
The Vidiian Doctor explains, “Well actually, that’s not entirely accurate. Were there ever any other species in your family tree?” Klingon Torres is confused and says, “Well, yes. My great-grandmother was a Vulcan. My great-uncle Carl was a Ferengi. And my great-great grandfather was a Borg.”
The Vidiian Doctor says, “Ah-ha!! I knew it... That accounts for all the leftover DNA I found. Luckily I was able to turn them all into living beings.” The Vidiian opens up a door and out they come: Human Torres, Vulcan Torres, Ferengi Torres and Borg Torres.
All the B’Elannas then realize that the Reset Button Amnesia has been cured. The Vidiian leaves the room and the B’Elannas all have a chitchat. Human Torres says, “How are we going to get out of here?” Klingon Torres says, “We fight our way out.” Vulcan Torres says, “I suggest we participate in the Kolinahr discipline as a form of meditation.” Ferengi Torres says, “You’ll have to pay me a lot of money if you want me to escape with you.” and Borg Torres says, “Vidiians are futile...”
Meanwhile... back on Voyager...
Naomi Wildman is devastated when Tom breaks up with her. Tom says, “Sorry, Naomi, but those funny-looking ridges on your forehead just aren’t as sexy as the funny-looking ridges on B’Elanna’s forehead.” Tom urges the Voyager crew, “We must find B’Elanna... We must bring her back to us.”
At that moment, the Equinox crew members come to the Bridge and say, “Uh, Captain? We were wondering if we were ever going to be mentioned again?” Janeway barks, “No time for that now!! Return to your stations!!” The Equinox crew says, “That’s just it, we don’t even have any stations!!” Janeway then says, “Fine, go work in Astrometrics... Go give Seven of Nine a headache for a while!”
Janeway then decides that the crew should rescue B’Elanna. Janeway tries her best to remember the speech she gave about saving Seven of Nine in “Dark Frontier.” “Okay, we are going on a long-range tactical mission. It could take weeks. We’ll be looking for a single individual among thousands of Borg dro— Um, I mean among thousands of Vidiians. I will be Captain of Voyager as we approach Vidiian space. Chakotay will lead the team to go to the Vidiian planet and rescue B’Elanna. However, I’m not letting him use a shuttlecraft because he always crashes them.” Janeway turns and looks at Chakotay and says, “We can’t have nice things, can we Chakotay?”
Janeway continues, “Chakotay will lead the away team on the planet. The Doctor will be standing by in Sickbay, he will also be watching the holographic baby because I’ve grown tired of her for the moment. Mr. Kim will be in charge of keeping the thermostat at 72 degrees, I can’t give him much more to do than that because he’ll screw it up. Seven of Nine will be monitoring the situation from Astrometrics. And Wesley Crusher will be wandering around the ship, basically making our lives a living hell.”
The crew understands their instructions and says, “Set a course for Vidiian space!! All hands go to Red Alert... Better yet, go to Aquamarine Alert!”
Meanwhile, the five B’Elannas stage a daring escape from the Vidiian laboratory. (Well, actually it wasn’t that daring. They all told the Vidiians that they had to use the ladies room, and then they simply snuck out a window.) The B’Elannas reach the shuttlecraft and are pleasantly surprised to learn that the Vidiians have split the shuttlecraft into five different shuttlecrafts as well!! The B’Elannas board their shuttlecrafts and leave the Vidiian planet.
As they zoom away from the planet, the find a very strange plasma drift. Human Torres says, “That looks familiar.” Vulcan Torres agrees, “Indeed, it does look familiar.” Klingon Torres adds, “Plasma drifts have no honor.” Ferengi Torres whines, “When are you people giving me my money??” Borg Torres is the only one who remembers the “Deadlock” episode and says, “Cripes!! We must avoid the plasma drift at all costs. No matter what happens, do not set a course for the plasma drift!” At that moment, they all set a course for the plasma drift. Borg Torres says, “No!!! Idiots!! I guess this is what happens when you divide one brain among five different people!!” So they enter the plasma drift... Upon exiting it, they discover that they’ve all been duplicated. There are now two Human B’Elannas, two Klingon B’Elannas, two Ferengi B’Elannas, two Vulcan B’Elannas and two Borg B’Elannas.
At this moment, Rick Berman makes an announcement, “No more B’Elannas, we simply cannot afford any more of those silly wigs that she wears!!”
Meanwhile, the starship Voyager arrives at the Vidiian colony and finds that Torres had escaped twelve hours earlier. Janeway says, “Damn!! I gave that speech and everything! Mr. Tuvok, see if you can detect a recent warp trail.” Tuvok says, “No, I can’t find one, but I did find a recent Oregon Trail.” Janeway says, “Close enough!! Mr. Paris, set a course matching that of the Oregon Trail!”
Suddenly, Tuvok says, “Captain!! Long range sensors are picking up what appears to be a piece of notebook paper floating around directly ahead!!” Chakotay asks, “What about the short range sensors??” Tuvok responds, “Same thing!! A piece of notebook paper floating around directly ahead!!”
Janeway says, “All stop!” For a minute she loses touch with reality and sings, “All stop!! ...In the name of love... Before I throw you in the brig... Think it over... Think it over...”
Chakotay proceeds to cover Janeway’s mouth with several pieces of scotch tape and says, “Tuvok, beam the piece of paper aboard.”
Chakotay reads the paper:
We have kidnapped ten different B’Elannas. If you ever want to see them again, you will proceed to coordinates 4732.003 by 5381.2392 by 5301.53 by 40313.58, by golly! You will then surrender Voyager to the Legion of Doom!! In preparation, please check one of the following two items:
____ - Yes, We’ll meet you and give you Voyager.
____ - Hell no, we won’t meet you!! You can just kiss my ass!”
Chakotay ungags Janeway and asks, “What do we do??” Janeway responds, “Well, we have no choice, we must try to rescue B’Elanna.” Chakotay says, “Are you sure??” Janeway responds, “Of course I’m sure!!” Then Regis Philbin asks, “Is that your final answer??”