“New Captain Chakotay’s Log: Stardate 54331.3. Oh, I love the sound of that, Captain Chakotay’s Log: Stardate 54331.3. Anyways, we have resumed a course toward home... again. The crew is preparing for Janeway’s trial. In case you missed the last installment, Janeway was relieved of duty for total and complete stupidity. Since there isn’t a great number of District Attorneys, Public Defenders, Judges or Juries in the Delta Quadrant, we have created a holographic court room in Holodeck Nine.”
(Brannon Braga screams from upstage “We only have two holodecks, ya freak!!“)
Suddenly, a holographic court bailiff decloaks off the port bow. He makes an announcement, “Here ye! Here ye!” Chakotay responds, “Yeah, I heard ye! We’re on our way to court right now!”
So the dramatic trial begins. The holographic district attorney says, “I call Commander Chakotay to the stand.” The newly smug Chakotay says, “There is no Commander Chakotay on Voyager!” The D.A. tries again, “I call Captain Chakotay to the stand, then!!”
So Chakotay takes the stand. The D.A. asks, “Chakotay, have you ever known Captain Janeway to act irrationally??” Chakotay pauses for the longest time. The D.A. screams, “I might remind you, Chakotay, that you are under oath!!” Chakotay says, “Yes, I know that. I was just trying to count all the different times she’s acted like a nut-ball.”
The D.A. says, “Just list a few examples.” Chakotay says, “‘The Year of Hell’... ‘Dark Frontier’... ‘Night’... ‘Equinox, Part Two’... ‘Scorpion, Part One’...” The D.A. says, “No further questions, your honor!!”
The holographic public defender takes over, “Chakotay, I get the feeling your testimony may be prejudiced. Did Captain Janeway ever turn down a romantic interest by you? Specifically in the ‘Resolutions’ episode?” Chakotay says, “Yes... But...” The public defender interrupts, “A-ha!! No further questions, your honor.”
Next, the D.A. calls Tuvok to the stand. The D.A. takes Tuvok by the hand and leads him to the witness stand. The public defender says, “I object, your honor!! The D.A. is leading the witness!!” The judge says, “Sustained!!”
The D.A. says, “Mr. Tuvok, would you characterize Captain Janeway as a liar??” Tuvok says, “Absolutely not!! If anybody is a liar, it’s Chakotay!!” The D.A. says, “What do you mean?” Tuvok answers, “I refer to the ‘Dark Frontier’ episode. Chakotay played a sick mind-game with Captain Janeway. Chakotay led Janeway to believe that she always fiddles with her commbadge before she drops a bombshell. And yet, Captain Janeway had never ever done that before... ever!!” The courtroom is astonished!!
The D.A. then says, “Your honor, I would now like to call the Emergency Medical Hologram to the stand... if it pleases the court.” The Judge has a huge smile on his face and says, “Why yes. Yes it does please the court very much!!”
The Doctor approaches the witness stand. The D.A. says, “Doctor, please state your name for the record?” The Doctor is dumbfounded. The D.A. says again, “Doctor, state your name for the record!!!” The Doctor is still dumbfounded. The D.A. grows impatient, and pulls a dead badger out of his briefcase. The D.A. then proceeds to smack the Doctor with the badger and the D.A. says, “What is your name for the record???” The public defender objects, “Your Honor!! I object, the D.A. is badgering the witness!!”
Finally Captain Janeway takes the stand. The D.A. grills Janeway, “Okay Janeway, so can Voyager beam people aboard when the shields are up?? Yes or no??” Janeway begins sweating. The D.A. continues, “Captain Janeway, is it not true that the crew is, in fact, actually in the Beta Quadrant??”
Janeway says, “Well..... hmm... well.” The D.A. doesn’t let up, “Have you ever mated with your conn officer, Tom Paris??” Janeway says, “You don’t understand, we were transformed into lizards!” The D.A. says, “Uh-huh, yeah sure. One final question, Janeway: have you ever broken the Prime Directive???” Janeway is confused, “What’s the Prime Directive??” The D.A. says, “Your Honor, I rest my case!!”
The trial comes to an end. The holographic jury retires to the holographic juror room. Janeway tries in vain to reprogram the jury to proclaim her innocent, but it does not work.
Hours later, the jury returns with their verdict. A hush falls over the crowd. Well first it was pretty noisy in the court room, but then the judge said, “Hush!!” and that was when the hush fell over the crowd.
The jury says, “We... the holographic jury... Find Captain Janeway... Guilty as hell!!” Janeway faints. Suddenly a dramatic outburst!! Lt. Torres enters the court room with Mr. Neelix and Naomi Wildman!!
Chakotay says, “I don’t get it!! You two are supposed to be dead!” Neelix explains, “Well, Lt. Torres beamed us out of the shuttlecraft just in time!!” Janeway wakes up and says, “B’Elanna, why didn’t you tell us sooner!!” Torres responds, “Nobody really asked me.” The court case is dismissed, Captain Janeway is freed!! Her first official act as reinstated Captain is to reduce Torres in rank to Ensign.
The crew is not pleased by this turn of events. Chakotay is bitter because he really wanted to be Captain. Torres is bitter because she liked being a Lieutenant. Neelix and Naomi Wildman are bitter because Janeway nearly killed them. Mr. Paris is bitter because his lizard affair with Janeway has become part of the public record. The Doctor is bitter because Janeway hasn’t paid a dime in holographic child support for her holographic baby. Not only that, but the Legion of Doom (Locutus, Sisko and Kirk) are also very bitter towards Janeway.
“Captain’s Log: Supplemental. I am pleased that I have returned to my rightful position as Captain of the Starship Voyager, and we have resumed a course toward home again. I have gotten the feeling that dozens of crew members are very very bitter towards me. I haven’t seen such bitterness since I watched a particular episode of a TV program called Dallas. They were all bitter to a man named J.R. Ewing. It’s kind of funny, too. Because that was the same episode in which somebody shot J.R. What a silly coincidence...”
Suddenly, a shadowy figure enters Janeway’s quarters. The shadowy voice says, “Computer: Locate Captain Janeway.” The computer says, “Captain Janeway is right behind you.” The shadowy figure turns around and sees Janeway. The shadowy voice says, “Wow!! That’s so cool that the computer knows that!!”
Janeway says to the shadowy figure, “Listen here, Shadowy Figure, I demand you get out of my quarters this very minute!!” Suddenly Janeway recognizes the shadowy figure and says, “It’s YOU!! What are YOU doing here? Why are YOU holding that phaser to my head?? Are YOU trying to kill me or something???”
Just then the shots rang out!! Captain Janeway is shot and falls to the floor, unconscious, “Damn YOU!! How could YOU do this?? I really should say YOUR name, but that would ruin the mystery too early...”
Janeway loses consciousness. First she loses her lunch, then loses consciousness. Hours later, she is found by Seven of Nine and she says, “I’m so glad I found Janeway first, because I get to say the big dramatic line!” Seven pauses and then says, “My God!!! Janeway’s been shot!! Who shot Janeway???” (insert dramatic music here)