Chapter 18: “Who Shot Janeway???”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
“Chakotay’s Captain Log: Stardate 54310.2. First of all I have announced that today is an official Voyager holiday, I like to call it ‘Chakotay Day.’ The crew thinks my promotion to Captain is making me quite arrogant, but I disagree. Oh, I forgot something... Computer: Please begin the research on how I could change the name of this ship from USS Voyager to USS Chakotay. So anyways, Captain Janeway is in a coma since her recent brutal shooting. Chief Inspector Tuvok has already begun investigating the crime. Also, Voyager is preparing to host the 204th Annual Time Paradox Convention. This should be some great exposure for us all. Some of the keynote speakers include Zefram Cochrane, Edith Keeler, Mr. Spock, and Khan himself! This will be cool!”
Suddenly, a Greyhound bus decloaks off the port bow. The bus is carrying the participants of the Paradox Convention. Chakotay says, “Lt. Torres, beam the convention to the Promenade Deck.” Torres replies, “Chakotay, you’re confusing Voyager with The Love Boat again!” Chakotay says, “Oops!”
So the Convention begins. The first speaker is that old troublemaker Khan. The audience is breathless in anticipation of what Khan will share with them. Khan approaches the podium, faces the crowd and says, “This is Ceti Alpha Five!!!!!!” With that, Khan returns to his seat. The audience is moved and gives a standing ovation.
Next up is Edith Keeler. For some reason Ms. Keeler isn’t as popular. As she approaches the podium, Spock starts chanting, “Edith Keeler must die! Edith Keeler must die! Edith Keeler must die!”
Meanwhile, Tuvok continues his investigation. Tuvok goes to Janeway’s quarters to see if he can uncover a clue. Actually, first Mr. Tuvok, the little pervert, rummages through Janeway’s underwear drawer and then begins searching for clues. Tuvok is certain the clue he needs to find the killer is somewhere in Janeway’s quarters...
Meanwhile, the paradox convention continues. Zefram Cochrane’s speak was also brief, “Don’t try to be a great man, just be a man. Let History make its own judgments.” Edith Keeler chimes in, “That’s rhetorical nonsense!!”
Then its Chakotay’s turn to speak. He was chosen to perform the incredibly difficult task of explaining the temporal paradoxes from the ‘Year of Hell.’ The audience hounds Chakotay without mercy. One woman says, “Kes told you all about the Krenim, how could you not remember??” A man yells, “And since when does 257 days constitute a ‘year’?? Wouldn’t the more accurate term be ‘8½ Months of Hell’?”
Chakotay is sweating over the pressure of the questions. Chakotay finally says, “If you people don’t quit asking all these questions, I’m going to use my reset button and zap your parents from ever creating you!!” The crowd simmers down.
Meanwhile, the investigation continues. Tuvok tries every method of finding a clue. He searches for fingerprints... No fingerprints. He searches for traces of DNA... No trace of DNA. He reviews the security cameras of Janeway’s quarters. He starts out by watching the videos of Janeway showering and then watches the video of the actual shooting. Unfortunately, the killer was sneaky enough to stay out of the camera’s range.
Tuvok searches for anything. A lock of hair from the killer, even a single thread of clothing would help. But Tuvok finds nothing like that. Tuvok says to himself, “Good Gravy Marie. Whoever the killer was, he was very, very smart indeed. He has made this an impossible case to solve.”
Feeling discouraged, Tuvok begins to leave Janeway’s quarters, when he discovers a man’s wallet laying on the floor. Tuvok says, “A-Ha!! The killer dropped his wallet!” Tuvok looks inside the wallet to see who the owner is and then says, “My Goodness!! I don’t believe it! That’s who the killer is???”
Back at the convention. The ceremonies are almost complete when suddenly... Tuvok enters the room with evidence in hand. Tuvok says, “I have determined who it was who shot Captain Janeway!” The crowd is on the edge of their seats. Nothing in the world could stop this dramatic moment.
Well actually, at that moment, Neelix enters the convention and says, “Guess what?? I just brewed up a nice pot of coffee!!” So the convention stops for a 10 minute coffee break. Finally Chakotay says, “Tuvok, you were about to name the person who shot Captain Janeway.”
Tuvok says, “Indeed. It was Mr. Spock!!” The crowd gasps and they all stare at Spock. Spock laughs nervously and says, “Oh yeah, it was me, wasn’t it?” Tuvok approaches Spock with a phaser and Spock says, “Spock to Legion of Doom, beam me out of here!!” With that, Spock leaves Voyager and officially teams up with Locutus and Kirk and the rest of the Legion of Doom.
Edith Keeler asks, “Why would Mr. Spock want to kill Captain Janeway??” Tuvok replies, “Well first of all, I’d like to say its a great pleasure to meet you Ms. Collins... Um, I mean Keeler.” Tuvok continues, “I believe Spock made a silly mistake. He boarded Voyager two days ago. He didn’t realize the conference wouldn’t be until today. And being the boneheaded Vulcan he is, Mr. Spock confused Captain Janeway with Edith Keeler.”
Edith Keeler says, “What?? We look nothing alike!” Tuvok answers, “All you humans look the same to us. Anyways, Mr. Spock has been obsessed for years with the notion that Edith Keeler must die. And so, when Spock confused Janeway with Edith Keeler, and shot her.”
Edith Keeler says, “You know, this really honks me off! What did I ever do that was so terrible?? All I did was convince Franklin Roosevelt not to enter World War II. And it wasn’t easy convincing him of that, either. I had to sleep with the man four times before he agreed!”
So finally, the Convention concludes and everybody returns to their own timeframe. The Doctor pages Chakotay, “Chakotay!! I’ve got some wonderful news!! Captain Janeway has regained consciousness and is going to be just fine!” Chakotay answers, “Doctor, why the Hell is that wonderful news?!” With extreme bitterness, Chakotay must relinquish his command.
“Janeway’s Log: Stardate: Chakotay Day. Chakotay Day?? What was going through Chakotay’s tiny little brain when he came up with that one? Anyways, I’m trying to fit in as many clichés as I can into this log entry, so here goes. We have resumed a course toward home... again. I doubt we have seen the last of Mr. Spock. The damage to Voyager has been extreme, hopefully we’ll get it fixed. Blah, blah, blah. Other than that, not much else going on here. Oh wait, I forgot. I did have to flog Commander Chakotay after I caught him sitting in my chair in my Ready Room.”
As Janeway completes her log entry, there’s a ring on her door. Janeway answers it. Standing outside is Mr. Tuvok, carrying a bottle of champagne, a dozen roses and wearing a whole lot of Vulcan Old Spice Cologne. Janeway asks, “Tuvok, what is this all about??” Tuvok says, “I’m trying to butter you up baby!”
Janeway says, “But why???” Tuvok says, “Do the words Pon farr mean anything to you??”
Janeway responds, “Oh dear...”