Chapter 20: “Hologram Hooligans”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
“Impostor Janeway’s Log: Stardate 54991.3. I have been fooling the foolish crew of the foolhardy Voyager for several weeks now. They still don’t have a clue that I am simply a hologram and that the real Janeway has been captured by the Legion of Doom. Luckily, Tuvok’s memory has not returned. Therefore he cannot spill the beans, or spill the glass of milk for that matter. To be sure his memory stays lost, I usually sneak into Tuvok’s quarters around 3 AM and I begin beating him over the head with a frying pan. Yes, indeed. I tricked the Voyager crew and now the real Janeway and Seven of Nine will suffer the torments of the Legion of Doom. Yes, indeed. I am simply a hologram, I am not the real Janeway. It’s a good thing nobody is outside my door listening to me, because I’d be screwed.”
Suddenly a voice says, “You’re screwed, Holo-Janeway!” Holo-Janeway turns around to find Ensign Harry Kim standing outside her door.
Holo-Janeway tries to cover, “Ummmm... Harry, you don’t understand. I was rehearsing. Yeah, that it’s it... Rehearsing. Yeah, ummm... I’m up for a part on a daytime soap opera and I had to rehearse!”
Kim says, “No dice, Holo-Janeway. Your days as the Holographic Impostor Janeway are over!” Holo-Janeway pleads with Harry, “Oh please, Mr. Kim. Don’t tattle on me. I’ll do anything... anything. You need me to perform some sort of sexual favors??”
Kim replies, “Ewwww!! But I will make a deal with you. I will keep your secret under one condition: You will promote me to Lieutenant immediately!!”
Holo-Janeway remembers a Trek BBS posting she once read and says to herself, “So that’s how Harry can finally be promoted!” She turns to Harry and says, “You have a deal... Lieutenant.”
Meanwhile, on the Enterprise-E. Seven of Nine and the real Janeway are putting on their wedding gowns. Janeway says, “I can’t believe this!! I have to marry that wretched Captain Kirk!”
Seven of Nine replies, “Well hey! You don’t see me jumping for joy over the fact that I have to marry Locutus!” Janeway says, “Hey, at least Locutus has one redeeming quality... He’s bald! You’re a very lucky lady! I’d do anything for a bald husband.”
Seven whispers something into Janeway’s ear. And Janeway screams, “Shatner wears a toupee?? You’re telling me Captain Kirk is bald?? Hmmmm... this marriage thing might not be a bad idea after all... Nah... I’d rather hold out for Sean Connery.”
Meanwhile, back on Voyager...
Holo-Janeway gathers the crew together for her announcement, “Ladies and Gentlemen. I’d like to announce the promotion of Mr. Harry Kim to Lieutenant!!” The crowd roars in laughter.
Holo-Janeway says, “No, I mean it!! I promoted the boy!”
Mr. Kim pulls Holo-Janeway aside and says, “Hey Holo-Janeway. Don’t forget about the speech you are supposed to give!!” Holo-Janeway groans and then turns to the crowd and says, “I’d like to now start a Harry Kim testimonial. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. One... Two... Three... Four... Five...”
Suddenly, the party is interrupted. Mr. Paris pages Janeway from the Bridge, “Captain!! You must report to the Bridge immediately!!” Holo-Janeway says, “Right away!!” Mr. Kim joins her on the turbolift.
Kim is enjoying this whole blackmail thing. He says to Holo-Janeway, “You know. What I would really really like is to be made Commander. If you know what’s good for you, you will comply. And, I’ve been thinking. I think we should rename Deck Two to ‘The Harry Kim Deck.’ Not only that. But I want the port nacelle renamed the ‘Harry Kim Nacelle.’ And the Delta Quadrant... I want it to be renamed to ‘The Harry Kim Quadrant.’ You catch my drift, Holo-baby??”
Holo-Janeway is not amused. But she doesn’t wish to blow her cover so she agrees. The two of them enter the Bridge. Holo-Janeway says, “Okay, Mr. Paris, what’s the big idea??”
Paris says, “We just got a subspace wedding invitation!” Paris displays it on screen:
“You are cordially invited to the wedding of James T. Kirk and Kathryn Janeway and the wedding of Seven of Nine and Locutus. The wedding will be Stardate 54999.1. You are expected to bring a gift. You are expected to RSVP. Resistance is futile...”
Chakotay says, “What’s this all about?? How can Janeway be getting married? She’s right here on the Bridge!”
Holo-Janeway tries to cover, “Ummmm... it must be a misprint or a typo.” The naive Voyager crew buys her story. Except for Commander Kim. Who looks at Holo-Janeway and mouths the words, “I wanna be First Officer!”
Meanwhile, the dreaded wedding is about to begin. They are having a double-wedding. The church is packed for this wedding bliss. Hundreds of Borg drones are there, each one with a tear in their eye. Even Captain Kirk’s old flame, Dr. Carol Marcus, is there. Dr. Marcus tries to put a damper on the festivities by screaming, “Hey Kirk! Am I ever going to see a dime of child support out of you???”
The priest looks at Seven of Nine and says to the congregation, “Who gives this woman in Holy Matrimony?”
The Borg Queen stands up and says, “Her Collective and I do.”
Next, the priest makes them give their vows, “I take you for richer or poorer.. In sickness and health... in Red Alert and Gray Mode... in Warp Speed and Impulse... Until death do us part, or until a temporal incursion deletes the wedding from existence.”
The priest announces them all married. The priest looks at Seven and Locutus and says, “Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mr. and Mrs. Locutus of Borg.” He then looks at Janeway and Kirk and says, “Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Captain and Captain Kirk.”
Everybody in church is crying, including Seven of Nine. Janeway says, “Well, why are you crying, Seven?”
Seven of Nine says, “You know what this means, Captain?? Now we have to have our wedding night!”
Janeway glances at Captain Kirk and says, “Ewwww!” And the four of them start packing their bags for the honeymoon.
Kirk, Janeway, Locutus and Seven all board a starship that looks exactly like the Love Boat. Captain Stuebing greets them all and says, “Welcome aboard... Where will we be going??”
Locutus answers, “Set a course... for romance.” Seven begins crying hysterically.
Meanwhile, back on Voyager... Harry Kim makes a log entry:
”Commander’s Log. Stardate 549999.999997... What the Hell, let’s just call it 55000. I am sure enjoying this blackmail business. I forced Holo-Janeway to demote Chakotay to assistant cook and now I am the Commander and I am the first officer! Now I’ve ordered Holo-Janeway to give me all her replicator rations. I’m thinking of telling her she has to massage my feet four times a day... On the Bridge... That would be fun! Anyways, I am definitely blackmailing Holo-Janeway. No doubt about it! I know her secret and I’m using it to my advantage. It’s a good thing nobody is listening outside my door because they would know my plans. They would also know Holo-Janeway’s secret and would want some of the blackmail rewards. Then, I would be screwed.”
Suddenly a voice says, “You’re screwed, Commander Kim!” Mr. Kim spins around to see none other than... Wesley Crusher!
Mr. Kim says, “Cripes!! I don’t believe it!! How can you be here?? You died a few chapters ago!!!”
Wesley Crusher replies, “Oh, so it’s okay for you to die 5 times... But I can’t even die once???”
And the intrigue continues...