Chapter 24: “The Wrath of Khan... and The Rock... and Naomi Wildman”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
“Captain Naomi Wildman’s Log: Stardate: Vindication! It’s been four days since I took command of the Starship Voyager. My first official acts were to hang up Hansen posters all over Astrometrics and Engineering. After that I reprogrammed the replicators to create Pokémon trading cards. Now The Doctor and I are continuing our search for the brains of the Voyager crew. Our scans have led us to a planet called Ceti Alpha 47.”
So The Doctor and Naomi beam down to the surface of Ceti Alpha 47. Suddenly, The Rock and his thugs, the World Wrestling Federation of Planets (or WWFOP) surround Naomi and the Doctor... They are taken prisoner.
Minutes later, they are greeted by a mysterious man who takes off his ski-mask to reveal... Khan!! The Doctor says, “My God!! It’s the guy from Fantasy Island... De Plane... De Plane...”
Naomi says, “No, Doctor... it’s Khan!”
Khan walks past the Doctor and says, “I don’t know you...” and then passes by Naomi and says, “But you... I never forget a face... Your name is Norma Williams... isn’t it?”
Naomi says, “Uh, no. Wildman, Naomi Wildman. The Doctor and I have come searching for the brains of our shipmates.”
Suddenly, Khan drifts away from reality and screams, “This is Ceti Alpha Five!!”
Naomi says, “Damn, dude. Let’s just simmer down, okay? Can you tell us where the brains are?”
Khan answers, “Yes. They were here but were stolen by the Legion of Doom.”
The Doctor (still feeling the effects of the ‘Virtuoso’ episode) suddenly breaks into song, “Those villains stole the brains... They’re just a bunch of pains... We should go hunt them down... Then go out on the town.”
Khan rolls his eyes and says to Naomi, “My associate, The Rock, and I will come aboard your ship and help you find the brains... Under one condition.”
Naomi says, “I know what you’re going to say... so I promise the Doctor won’t sing again.”
Khan says, “Well actually... Two conditions, then. Number one, The Doctor won’t sing again. Number two, when this is all over, I get to kill Admiral Kirk and Mr. Neelix!” Naomi asks, “Why would you want to kill Neelix?” Khan replies cryptically, “He tasks me... He tasks me, and I shall have him...”
Meanwhile... On the Barge of the Brain Dead...
Janeway is hiding to avoid Captain Kirk. She whispers to Chakotay, “We need to get off this barge... and soon.”
Chakotay says, “Don’t worry, I’ve got the perfect plan... We’ll stage a mutiny!” Janeway says, “A mutiny? What do you know about mutinies?” Chakotay replies, “Well, I usually daydream for about 4 hours a day about staging a mutiny on Voyager.” Janeway says, “Not funny, you pedantic drone.” With that, she head-butts her tattooed first officer.
Meanwhile... back on Voyager...
The Rock is working the tactical station. He says, “The Rock is detecting the Enterprise-E. Distance, 400,000 kilometers.”
Naomi says, “All hands... Red Alert!” The Rock says, “The Rock is going to Red Alert!”
Khan then says, “Wait! The Enterprise-E is not moving. They are standing completely still!” Naomi says, “Hmmmmm... Mr. The Rock, patch us into the eavesdropping frequency. I want to hear what’s happening on their Bridge.”
So The Rock complies and they hear the argument between Sisko and Holo-Janeway.
Sisko is screaming, “Idiot! Why didn’t you tell me we were almost out of deuterium??” Holo-Janeway says, “I thought deuterium was in great abundance in the galaxy. I didn’t think it would be a problem.”
Sisko says, “Tsk... Tsk... Tsk... You are still clinging to the notion of continuity... you silly woman.”
Naomi says to Khan and The Rock, “Wow! This should be a piece of cake. We’ll simply fly by them and beam the brains aboard. Then we’ll jump to warp speed and the Enterprise will never catch us! I’m pretty crafty for being only four years old, huh?”
So Voyager beams the brains aboard and then Naomi says, “Okay. We are in the clear, now. So no matter what happens, nobody beam the Enterprise any deuterium!!”
The Rock says, “Yes, Ma’am. The Rock is beaming them deuterium right now.”
Naomi screams, “D’oh!! What in the hell did you do that for??”
The Rock’s face turns red and says, “Heh heh... Whoops... I think maybe I’ll just stick with doing my fancy raised eyebrow routine from now on.” Naomi is not pleased. She pulls out a phaser and disintegrates The Rock.
Naomi thinks to herself, “If only Captain Janeway were here... She would doubt that we’d seen the last of him.”
Khan interrupts, “This is Ceti Alpha Five!!” Naomi simply says, “Stop it!!” So Voyager jumps to warp speed, and the Enterprise follows them closely.
Meanwhile... Back on the Barge of the Dead...
Lt. Torres is complaining incessantly, “What kind of barge is this? No shuffleboard? No casino night? No limbo dancing?? I’m very unimpressed!”
Suddenly, Seven of Nine gets a secret transmission from Naomi. Naomi says, “Seven of Nine, we are about to retrieve you all from the Barge of the Brain Dead. But I need you do one thing...”
Minutes later, Seven of Nine walks up to Locutus and says, “Okay, my dear husband. I’ve made a decision. In case you weren’t aware, I have a fetish for Talaxians. So I need you to put on this Neelix mask. If you do, then I will surrender to your passion.”
Locutus replies, “Oh Seven, I love it when you talk like a Harlequin romance novel!” And Locutus puts on the Neelix Mask. Moments later, the beaming starts. The crew are beamed back to Voyager several at a time. Except for Locutus and Captain Kirk... They are beamed aboard the Enterprise-E.
On Voyager, Khan says, “It’s been a pleasure doing business with you Norma Williams... Until we meet again... I leave you with a Klingon proverb: This is Ceti Alpha Five!!” With that, Khan beams over to the Enterprise-E in order to kill Captain Kirk and Locutus.
Voyager escapes. The brains are all re-connected. Janeway returns to the Bridge and says, “Naomi... I can’t begin to thank you. You saved our lives. We own an eternal debt of gratitude to you. Thank you, thank you!” Then Janeway pulls Naomi by the hair and says, “But if you ever hang Hansen posters on my ship again... You’ll be getting a red shirt and an away mission with Commander Chakotay!!”
Meanwhile... On the Enterprise...
Locutus takes off his Neelix mask. Khan says, “Damn!! That girl tricked me!” Khan turns to Kirk and says, “Kirk... you’re still alive, my old friend.”
Kirk answers, “Yes, I am. You’re thinking your gonna kill me??”
Khan answers, “Oh, heavens no. I am teaming up with your Legion of Doom. You want revenge on Janeway, Locutus wants revenge on Seven, and now I want revenge on Naomi.” (insert loud clap of thunder here)
Kirk replies, “Fine by me. Do you have a plan?” Khan says, “Oh yes... I’ll chase them round the moons of Nibia and round the Antares Maelstrom and...” Locutus interrupts, “Khan, you dolt! I never heard of those places! Have you been sniffing the subspace warp plasma manifolds?? That has a tendency to give you quite a buzz...”
Meanwhile... Back on Voyager...
“Captain Janeway’s Log: Supplemental. Naomi told me about the death of The Rock and she’s asked me to say that I doubt we’ve seen the last of him. Seven of Nine and I managed to get annulments from Locutus and Captain Kirk, respectively. I’m currently studying my lines for the next UPN promo for Voyager. Apparently I’m supposed to say, ‘All hands abandon ship,’ Chakotay is supposed to say, ‘Captain, I’ve turned gay,’ and Seven is supposed to say, ‘I’m taking off my catsuit and will be running around Voyager naked.’ It’s sounding like a very cool promo!!...”
Suddenly, Janeway’s log is interrupted by a call from the Doctor. Janeway rushes down to Sickbay and says, “What’s wrong, Doctor??”
The Doctor says, “There was a malfunction with the transporter when we were beaming everybody back so quickly...”
Suddenly, a bizarre-looking figure appears. The figure has pointy ears, a tattoo, and fur all over his face. The Doctor continues, “As you can see, Captain, the transporter managed to combine Mr. Tuvok, Mr. Neelix and Mr. Chakotay into one being... I have named him Chakotuvix.”
Janeway says, “Good Gravy Marie!! I should really kill this person... right now. But... he’s kind of cute. I think I just might have to keep Chakotuvix around...
The Doctor thinks to himself, “Funny how she’s forgotten about her holographic boyfriend since somebody added the impotence subroutine to his program...”