“Captain’s Log: Stardate: February Sweeps. You don’t know how difficult it is to do a Captain’s Log while in the Brig. It’s so humiliating. Yes, the Chakotuvix clones have seized control of Voyager. I can only hope that they’ve resumed a course toward home... again. The clones have locked all 147 Voyager crew members in the Brig. And let me tell you, it’s not a pleasant experience. I wonder just how long it has been since old Tuvok last showered. The clones have locked the two Keses in the Brig next door. I asked why the two Keses get special treatment. The clones only said, “They are guest stars... and get royal treatment.” The only exception being Seven of Nine. The clones are infatuated with her and she is remaining on the Bridge. If I know Seven of Nine, she is, at this very moment, plotting our escape...”
Meanwhile... On the Bridge...
Seven of Nine puts on her Marilyn Monroe wig and says, “Happy Birthday to you... Happy Birthday to you... Happy Birthday Mr. Chakotuvix clones... Happy Birthday to you...”
The second-in-command clone says, “Sir, it is not our birthday! Why do you allow her to sing that wretched song?” The third-in-command clone adds, “Yeah! Besides, we’re tired of Seven singing... and the Doctor’s singing. Let Janeway sing for once!”
The chief clone is not amused. He pulls out his phaser and disintegrates the complaining clones. He then makes a shipwide announcement, “Janeway will never sing as long as I am in command!!”
The folks in the Brig hear the announcement and start laughing and pointing at Janeway. Nobody is laughing harder than Commander Chakotay. Janeway walks over to him and gives him a knee to the groin. Chakotay doubles over in agony and says, “Not everybody keeps their genitals in the same place, Captain. But I do. I request that you not do that again.” From that point on, Chakotay’s voice raises an entire octave.
Meanwhile... On the Enterprise-E...
The Enterprise-E is suffering from poor maintenance. Holo-Janeway gives a report, “Okay, here’s the thing. This ship has not had a warp core vacuuming in months. The port nacelle could use a good dusting. And the dilithium crystals are only getting 100 light-years to the gallon. Not only that, but this ship used to be able to go from 0 to Warp 8 in 4.7 seconds. Not anymore... Tsk tsk tsk...”
Locutus says, “Don’t worry, my dear. We are approaching Voyager. We intend to seize control of Voyager. We will then use Voyager to accomplish our Legion of Doom needs.” Kirk asks, “What makes you think Voyager is a better ship than the Enterprise?”
Khan answers, “They’ve battled Kazon, Malon, Vidiians, Hirogen, Borg, Species 8472, Krenim, and the Vaardwar, or however the hell you spell it, and they are just fine! They haven’t even stained the carpet!”
Locutus is bitter, “Oh sure, Khan, bring up the stained carpet. I told you I was sorry for spilling my Earl Grey on you!”
Sisko interrupts, “An argument for another time! We are approaching Voyager!” Holo-Janeway asks, “But how can we pursuade them to give us Voyager?” Sisko answers, “Don’t worry... We’ve got the rarest commodity in this universe!!” Kirk asks, “You mean... Gold pressed Latinum?” Sisko replies, “No... Tickets for the Cure concert in the Gamma Quadrant next month.” The entire Legion of Doom says, “Ooooooh!”
Meanwhile... Back on Voyager...
Chakotay says, “I have a plan to escape!” Cranky Mr. Kim replies, “What Chakotay, You gonna ask them to let us out?” Janeway says, “Spiteful little Ensign, isn’t he?”
Chakotay continues, “I will begin telling one of my incredibly boring and long-winded parables. The guards will let down the forcefield to strangle me, and then we will overpower them!”
Janeway says, “Wow!! Good thinking, Commander!! Tell them that one you told me when the two of us were stranded on that planet in the ‘Resolutions’ episode. That one was particularly pathetic.”
Chakotay, loudly, says, “Once upon a time, there lived a rabbit and a cockroach. They lived together in holy matrimony in the magical land of Toledo, Ohio...”
The plan backfires when eight Voyager crew members kill themselves. Janeway then says, “Hmmmm... We may need to think of a backup plan.”
Suddenly, the head Chakotuvix clone makes a shipwide announcement, “All hands, this is the Big Cheese. Please proceed to Transporter Room Two. We are beaming aboard a subspace Greyhound bus. We have just gotten tickets to the Cure concert in the Gamma Quadrant!”
All the clones race to the transporter room. Tuvok, who secretly worships the Cure says, “That is so cool!”
So the clones leave Voyager. The crew looks at Janeway in hesitation. Janeway says, “What???”
Off-stage, Brannon Braga holds up a cue card. Janeway says, “Oh, damn!! Sorry, I forgot! Ahem! I doubt we’ve seen the last of them...”
Chakotay asks, “Now what? We’re still locked in this bloodly brig!”
Suddenly, the transporters start beaming the entire Voyager crew over to the Enterprise-E. At the same time, the Legion of Doom transports over to Voyager. Somehow (explanation is not needed because it helps advance the story) Lt. Torres, Seven of Nine and Naomi Wildman are forgotten about. They are not beamed to the Enterprise, instead they are beamed to Sickbay. Naomi Wildman falls to the floor, kicking and screaming and asking, “Why does nobody ever want to abduct me??? I always get left behind!!”
So finally... The Legion of Doom is in control of Voyager. They hold a raffle to determine who will be Captain, and Captain Sisko wins. They debate what their first evil deed should be.
Locutus suggests, “I know! We can set a course for Earth! We’ll go to Earth and assimilate them all into the Legion of Doom!”
Khan freaks, “This is Ceti Alpha Five!! Oops, I mean, Voyager can only travel at Warp 9.975. It will take dozens of years to get to Earth.”
Holo-Janeway chimes in, “No! Voyager does have slipstream technology. We can be to Earth in just a matter of weeks!!”
Locutus says, “Huh?? If they have slipstream technology, then why doesn’t Janeway use it to get home??” Holo-Janeway answers, “Because she’s mean.”
Meanwhile... on the Enterprise-E...
Janeway says, “Wow, this is so cool! The Enterprise-E! Chakotay, we’ve got to do that thing where they separate the ship! That’s so cool!” Chakotay says excitedly, “Yes ma’am!!” Tuvok interrupts, “Captain! The Voyager is going to slipstream! The Legion of Doom is setting a course for Earth!” Janeway says, “My God! We’ve got to find a way to stop them!”
Cranky Mr. Kim interrupts, “Um, wait a minute Captain! I thought you told us the slipstream drive was offline forever.”
Janeway laughs nervously...
Meanwhile... back on Voyager...
Torres, Seven and Naomi are in Sickbay, trying to find a way to retake Voyager. Torres says, “We definitely need reinforcements.” Naomi points to a baby crib and says, “Look!! It’s the often-forgotten offspring of Captain Janeway and The Doctor!” Seven says, “Cool! But she’s just a baby. She couldn’t possibly help us with the mission.”
Naomi points to a Borg maturation chamber and says, “Look! A Borg maturation chamber! We can age the infant to a grown woman in a matter of minutes!” Seven says, “How convenient!!”
Torres then says, “Okay, now who should be in charge of this mission! I think it should be me.”
Seven says, “And I think it should be me!!”
A stalemate forms...
Meanwhile... Sisko and Holo-Janeway head to the Brig, where the two Keses are still being held captive.
Sisko says, “Hmmmmm... clearly one of these two people is the real Kes. And one of them is really my shapeshifter.”
Holo-Janeway says, “But which one is which?”
The real Kes says, “Shapeshifter? I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about!!” And Odo-Kes says, “Captain!! I’m the real Odo!” With that, he morphs back into Odo. Sisko sighs, “Hmmmm... This is going to be more difficult than I thought...”
(and the drama continues)
UPN Promo for Next Week’s The Voyager Coronary:
Next week: On an all-new Coronary. Seven of Nine and Lt. Torres head to the mud pit for a wrestling match to determine which one of them will lead the mission to retake Voyager... And as per Starfleet regulations, they are forced to wrestle naked... Find out who wins on a thought-provoking all new episode!