Chapter 31: “The Undiscovered Hippie Dimension”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
“Captain’s Log: Stardate: None of your business. Voyager is holding position outside of the vortex that we discovered in the last chapter. I just love it when we use continuity. Our initial scans of the vortex showed us that it would eliminate 47 years from our journey home. But upon further investigation (and some rewriting of the plot) we have determined that it leads to some sort of alternate dimension. We don’t know if it leads to a happy dimension, or a bummer dimension. The crew is still investigating and I’m in my ready room debating on if we should enter the vortex.”
On Voyager’s bridge, Chakotay says to Tuvok, “Hey, where’s Captain Janeway?” Tuvok replies, “She’s still in her ready room.” Chakotay says, “Damn! She’s been in there for hours. She spends entirely too much time in that ready room. When do you think she’ll be coming out?”
Tuvok then says, “Calm down. She will come out of the ready room when she’s ready. Hence the name, ‘Ready Room’ ...you nitwit!”
Chakotay then pages Janeway, “Janeway!! Captain Janeway! Please report to the bridge at once!!”
Janeway rushes to the Bridge and says, “My God, Chakotay! What’s the matter??!”
Chakotay says, “Nothing. I just missed you, that’s all.”
Janeway blushes and says, “Chakotay, you sweet little thing. Anyways, I’ve determined that we should not enter that vortex. It would be a very unwise decision, who knows what kind of dimension we’ll be entering. So no matter what happens, we will not be going into that vortex!”
Mr. Kim then says, “Captain! I’m showing a Kazon ship on an intercept course!!”
Janeway then says, “Set a course for the Vortex!”
Paris mutters under his breath, “So much for the little training cruise...”
Moments later, Voyager emerges from the vortex into the alternate dimension. Janeway says, “Hmmmm... Nothing out of the ordinary here. Let’s run a few scans.” Tuvok asks, “Captain, do you want me to run a trans-spectral analysis on all the G-type protostars within a 47 light-year radius so that we can be sure that the phase discriminator recursion matrix does not activate an isometric discharge?”
Janeway says, “I don’t even know what the hell that means.”
Mr. Kim announces, “Captain! I’m showing another ship!”
Janeway (going for the easy laugh) says, “Yeah, Harry. What are you showing them? Your slides from Hawaii??” Kim then says, “Very funny, Captain Smartass. There is a ship approaching us, and it looks just like Voyager!!”
Chakotay says, “Well, squeeze my boobs and call me sweetie. We’ve discovered the Voyager of this dimension. Put them on screen!”
The other Voyager appears on screen. The other Voyager has the same design structure as the real Voyager, except that this Voyager is painted black with bright pink dots all over its hull. Janeway groans, “Lord! Who does their decorating? Hail the other Voyager!”
At that moment the alternate Janeway appears on screen. Except this Janeway is wearing a beret and has purple hair. This alternate Janeway says, “Well, like, hey man. I’m like Captain 60s-Janeway of the USS 60s-Voyager. And just who are you squares?”
Janeway says, “I’m Captain Kathryn Janeway of the normal dimension. We are pleased to meet you.”
60s-Janeway replies, “Like, far out, man. A Voyager from another dimension, what a gas!”
Janeway whispers to Chakotay, “Is it just me, or are these people dorks?”
Meanwhile... on board the Enterprise-E...
Holo-Janeway says, “Captain Sisko! I’ve run a new scan of the vortex. Apparently the storyline has been changed. The vortex now leads into an alternate dimension.”
Khan says, “I ran a Khan-Scan (which I invented myself), the vortex leads to two possible dimensions.”
Holo-Janeway says, “Thanks for doing that, Khan. I appreciate it.”
Khan replies, “Of course, we are one big happy fleet! Anyways, the vortex either leads to a ‘60s’ dimension, or into a ‘continuity’ dimension.”
Sisko freaks, “Continuity??? Ugh, I had to put up with seven years of continuity on Deep Space Nine, and quite frankly I’m sick of it. Is there any way we can be sure of entering the ‘60s’ dimension, and not the ‘continuity’ dimension?”
Locutus says, “Hmmmm... I believe I know how to tell them apart. There are two tunnels in the vortex. A sign on top of one of them says ‘This way to the 60s Dimension.’ The other says ‘This way to the continuity Dimension.’ I suggest we use the 60s dimension tunnel.”
Sisko is impressed and says, “I’m impressed! Your deduction skills are brilliant! Set a course for the 60s Dimension!!”
Meanwhile... back on Voyager...
Janeway says, “Well, 60s-Janeway. I’d love to stay and chat, but we should be going back to our own dimension.”
60s-Janeway says, “Hey man, like, hang out with us. We’re going to sing Bob Dylan and have a love-in!”
Janeway says, “No dice, 60s-Janeway, we have no desire to hang out with you hippies, we are leaving. We want nothing to do with you. We wouldn’t take your help if our lives depended on it!!”
At that moment, Tuvok announces, “Captain! The Enterprise-E has entered the 60s Dimension, they’re headed right for us!”
Janeway says to 60s-Janeway, “Um.... heh heh... We kind of need your help...”
Meanwhile... in Voyager’s Brig...
Odo-Kes says, “Hey Kes, I heard Ensign Lindsay Ballard has returned to Voyager, isn’t that exciting??”
Kes replies, “Who’s Ensign Ballard??”
Odo-Kes answers, “She used to work with Ensign Jetal all the time!”
Kes says, “Never heard of either of them.”
Odo-Kes then says, “Oh. Well you want to play another game of Chinese checkers??”
Meanwhile... on board the Enterprise...
Khan says, “Whoa! There are two Voyagers here. One of them painted all goofy, the other one is the real Voyager.”
Sisko says, “Hail the goofy Voyager.”
60s-Janeway appears on screen and says, “Like, groovy man, busy day at this pad!”
Sisko says, “Our scans show your ship has absolutely no weapons whatsoever.”
60s-Janeway explains, “Like, you got the drift, man. We believe in non-violent space travel. Like, phasers aren’t cool. Using phasers just glorifies the violent pig-like political tactics of the Federation.”
Sisko says, “Whatever... Khan, destroy their ship!” Khan asks, “How do I do that?” Sisko rolls his eyes and says, “Hit the red flashing light that says ‘fire!’ ...idiot.”
Kirk laughs, and points at Khan and says, “I’m laughing at the superior intellect...”
Meanwhile... on board the regular Voyager...
Chakotay announces, “Captain! The Legion of Doom are firing at 60s-Voyager. They are losing life support. They are all going to die!!”
Janeway says, “Oh Chakotay, you pedantic drone, don’t be so melodramtic. Bridge to Transporter Room: Beam the entire 60s-Voyager crew aboard.”
So Torres beams the 60s-Voyager crew aboard. And then Torres says, “Okay, Captain! I’ve got them. They’re all aboard now... All 147 of them!” Janeways gasps, “147?? Cripes! We simply don’t have enough beds for all of them. Just beam them into space or something!” Torres says, “You got it!” With that, the entire 60s-Voyager crew is beamed into space.
On the Enterprise, Sisko says, “Whoa!! Did you see that?? Janeway beamed all of them into space. She killed them all. My God, she is mean, isn’t she??” Sisko turns to Holo-Janeway and says, “Why can’t you be that mean??” Holo-Janeway tears up and says, “Shut up.... you... you... big bully jerk man...”
Back on Voyager...
Janeway says, “Okay, we’ve got to get out of here! Take us back into normal space!” So moments later, Voyager reenters normal space and then she says, “Tuvok, what kind of technobabble can we use to close up that vortex?”
Tuvok answers, “Simple! We can use the vortex closing emitter that we replicated four days ago.” Janeway says, “How convenient! The Legion of Doom will be trapped in the 60s-Dimension for all eternity! Close up that vortex.”
Minutes later, on the Enterprise...
Khan says, “Uh-oh. Voyager closed up the vortex. We are trapped inside the 60s-Dimension!” Sisko says, “Yikes! Well, use the vortex opening emitter and get us out of here!” Khan replies, “There is no such thing as a vortex opening emitter.”
Sisko growls, “Well, build one! Damn, do I have to think of everything?! The emitter should take a few days to build. In the meantime, we need to have something to do. I know!! Set a course for the Woodstock Expanse.”
Meanwhile... back on Voyager...
Seska makes another secret transmission to the Kazon. She says, “Culluh! The Captain is trusting me more and more everyday. I think it will only be a matter of time before she gives me the command codes for Voyager!” Culluh says, “What?? What makes you think Janeway will give them to you??”
Seska answers, “Let’s face it, she doesn’t have all her antimatter in one bucket! She’s not terribly bright. I will trick her, then transmit you the command codes and Voyager will be all yours!”
Meanwhile... on the Bridge...
Tuvok says, “Captain!! Come here and look at this. The records show that an unauthorized transmission to the Kazon has taken place!” Janeway says, “What??? Betrayal on my ship?? I’m not amused!! Who sent the transmission, I will execute them at once!” Tuvok says, “The transmission comes from Seska. Captain! You said we could trust Seska now!!”
Janeway says, “Oh dear! Janeway to Seska: I demand an explanation, you big fat traitor!! Why did you send secret transmissions to the Kazon???” Seska answers, “Let me explain, Captain. I was simply contacting the Kazon and asked them to feed my cat.” Janeway says, “Oh, that explains it. Thanks Seska, keep up the good work!”
Tuvok says, “Captain! You believe her!! She’s obviously lying! Cardassians don’t have cats for pets. Cardassians have cats for breakfast!”
Janeway says, “Look who’s talking, Mr. Quaker Oatmeal. This discussion is over. We can trust Seska. I trust her so much that I am thinking of letting her know all my command codes.”
Tuvok mutters under his breath, “And now there’s a dumbass idea if ever I heard one...”
(and the drama never ends)