Chapter 32: “Celebrity Death Match: Khan vs. Nixon”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
“Captain’s Log. Stardate: The day before tomorrow. The past several days have been uneventful. Well, except for those Borg brats that we have on the ship. One of them tried to assimilate the entire ship yesterday. He ended up killing three crew members and he pretty much destroyed Decks 14 and 15. I’ve decided that he will not get graham crackers for three days. It’s harsh, I know, but I must set an example. That kind of idiotic behavior will not be tolerated on my ship!! Anyways, I’ve also decided to let Seska know all my command codes. I never realized how popular Seska was. She’s made 47 secret transmissions to the Kazon, but she assures me that the transmissions are simply replies to fan mail she’s been getting.”
At that moment, Janeway’s log entry is interrupted by a knock at the door. The door opens and there stands Chakotay. He’s holding six dozen red roses and a bottle of champagne. Janeway says, “Chakotay!! What are you doing?”
Chakotay answers, “Why Janeway, I’ve come to romance you. I’ve come to wine you and dine you.”
Janeway says, “Oh... Okay... Whatever.”
Meanwhile... in the Mess Hall...
Kim says to Paris, “Tom, I have a confession to make. I am falling deeply and madly in love with Seska.” Paris laughs and says, “Seska?!? Good grief! First it was a Hologram, then a Borg, then the wrong twin, then a freaky alien, then an inflatable woman, then an 800-pound woman named Little Lily, then it was Ethel Merman, then it was Lucille Ball, then it was the bearded lady, and then it was Betty Rubble... and now this???”
Harry says, “I can’t explain it, when I’m alone with her, I have this burning desire for her. I want to ravage her with my passion and my eternal flame of love.”
Paris replies, “Freak!”
Back in Janeway’s quarters...
Chakotay continues, “And now, Captain. I’d like to read the romantic poem I wrote for you... Ahem:
Roses are red
Violets are not red
Janeway I like you
We should go to bed.”
Janeway blushes and says, “Chakotay, you devil! Why the sudden romantic interest in me?”
Chakotay replies, “I haven’t had a decent story for ages. I figured dating the captain would get me some significant screen time.” Janeway says, “Ah, good plan. Unfortunately I’m about to have a meeting with Seska. So you’ll have to romance me later.” Chakotay growls and says, “Fine! See if I care!” With that, Chakotay grabs the bottle of champagne and storms out.
Minutes later, Seska enters the Captain’s quarters holding the same bottle of champagne. Janeway says, “Seska! How good of you to come! Where did you get that champagne??”
Seska answers, “Oh, Chakotay was very very gracious. He gave me the champagne. I thought that was incredibly nice of him.”
Meanwhile... Chakotay is lying unconscious outside Janeway’s quarters... suffering from twelve blows to the head and a broken arm...
Meanwhile... on the Enterprise-E...
Sisko is angry and says, “I’m angry! We are still trapped in the 60s dimension! We must get out of here so we can exact our revenge on Voyager! Captain Kirk, how are you coming in constructing the vortex-opening emitter??”
Kirk laughs nervously and says, “Heh heh... I kind of forgot about it...”
Sisko screams, “What??????????”
Kirk replies, “But I’ll get started on it right now!”
Sisko mutters under his breath, “23rd century moron...”
Then Holo-Janeway says, “Captain! I’m showing a 1969 starship!”
Sisko decides to steal Janeway’s smartass idea and says, “Yeah, What are you showing them, your cleavage?” Holo-Janeway says, “No! I mean, there is a 1969 starship heading this way. And it looks rather important. They are hailing us! Should I put them on screen?”
Sisko replies, “Sure, what the hell. We have this huge viewscreen here, why not use it?”
At that moment, a menacing figure appears on screen, and he says, “Hello. I am President Richard Nixon. And this is my ship, the USS Smoking Gun.”
Sisko is shocked, “Nixon??? What are you doing here??”
Nixon replies, “I’ve heard of your evil Legion of Doom. And it sounds right up my alley. I’d like to make one thing perfectly clear: I intend to join the Legion of Doom!”
Sisko replies, “I’m sorry, Nixon. But we aren’t hiring right now...”
Nixon growls and says, “But I’m Nixon!!”
Sisko continues, “Sorry! But we are simply going to go over budget if we bring you in!”
Nixon is not pleased and says, “Fine! Then I challenge one of your members to a death match! If I win, I get to take his place in the Legion of Doom.”
Sisko contemplates and then says, “Okay. That sounds reasonable enough. Now, how do we decide on who fights Nixon?”
At that moment, Captain Kirk presents Sisko with a great big wheel naming all the current Legion of Doom members. Sisko says, “I’m impressed, Kirk! When did you create this big wheel?” Captain Kirk answers, “I’m glad you like it. I made it when I forgot to make the emitter!”
So, Sisko spins the big wheel. The Legion of Doom watches nervously. Captain Kirk says, “I have a feeling that the wheel will stop on Khan’s name.” Khan asks, “What makes you think that?”
Kirk replies, “Duh, didn’t you read the title of this chapter??! Sheesh! I’m laughing at the superior intellect...”
So... finally... The wheel stops on... Khan!
Sisko says, “Okay. It’s settled! The death match will be between Khan and Nixon. Damn! If only I had known about this sooner, I would have arranged for this to be shown on Pay-Per-View. We could have made millions! But no matter. We must decide what game will be used in the death match. Will it be a Tsunkatse match? Will it be a jousting match? Will it be a gun duel at high noon?”
Holo-Janeway says, “No! Even better! It’ll be a stare-down contest!!”
Meanwhile... in Voyager’s Brig...
Kes asks, “Hey Odo-Kes, do you ever fantasize about what Captain Janeway looks like naked??”
Odo-Kes says, “Hell no! What kind of question is that??”
Kes laughs nervously, “Heh heh... I don’t either, I was just wondering...” And Kes quickly changes the subject.
Meanwhile... Tuvok finds Chakotay lying bloody and unconscious outside Janeway’s quarters. Tuvok wakes him up and says, “Wow, Captain Janeway must not have liked your poem??”
Chakotay replies, “No, you don’t understand. Seska did this to me! She is mean, mean, mean!”
Tuvok says, “That Cardassian tramp!”
At that moment the Doctor arrives and says, “I’ve run a full scan on Seska. I’ve determined that she is not Cardassian. I know at first we thought she was Bajoran, and then we thought she was Cardassian, but now I realize she’s something else... She’s actually British!”
Chakotay says, “British!! What a liar! She hides the accent so well! We must stop her immediately! Janeway is about to give her the command codes!”
So Chakotay, Tuvok and The Doctor pound furiously on Janeway’s door saying, “Don’t trust her! Don’t trust her! Don’t trust her!”
Janeway hears something from her door and she says, “It sounds like somebody is saying ‘Don’t bust her.’ That must mean the rest of the crew trusts you as much as I do! Now I don’t have any qualms about giving you my command codes. Are you ready?”
Seska pulls out a pad of paper and a pen and says, “Yes, Captain! Ready!! What are the command codes??”
Janeway says, “Four... Seven.”
Seska writes it down and says, “Okay, go on...”
Janeway says, “Go on?? That’s it!”
Seska growls, “47? That’s it?? What a dumb-ass command code!” Janeway smiles and says, “Thank you! Now remember, you mustn’t tell anybody what the code is!”
Seska says, “I swear!” She then clicks her commbadge and says, “Seska to Culluh, the command code is... 47!!”
Culluh says, “Okay, I’ve got it! 47! What’s the rest of it??”
Seska replies, “That’s it.”
Culluh says, “What a dumb-ass command code! Anyways, we are setting a course, we’ll be there in minutes!”
At that moment, Chakotay breaks down the door and says, “Captain! Don’t give her the command codes!”
Janeway’s face is all red and she says, “Heh heh... I kind of already did!” Seska says, “Yes! In minutes this ship will be controlled by the Kazon!” Janeway says, “Tuvok! Put Seska in the brig!”
Tuvok says, “Oh God... the Brig!! I forgot, we left Kes and Odo-Kes in the Brig!”
Janeway says, “Well, we can’t worry about them right now, just throw Seska in the brig with them. We need to get as far away from the Kazon as possible. And I can think of only one place to hide.”
Chakotay says, “You mean....”
Janeway says, “Yes, set a course for the 60’s Dimension!!”
Meanwhile... on the bridge...
Paris says, “Did you hear the news, Harry?? Your new girlfriend Seska betrayed the ship! And now thanks to her, we have to return to the 60’s Dimension! Janeway’s putting her in the brig!”
Harry thinks to himself, “But, I like Seska. She’s all woman... all the time. I will probably get in trouble for this, but I must break her out of the brig....”
Meanwhile... on the Enterprise...
The stare-down between Khan and Nixon enters its 7th hour. Their eyes have pretty much dried-out at this point. Suddenly Holo-Janeway says, “Whoa!! Captain! Voyager is returning to this dimension!”
Sisko says, “Battlestations!! I’m sorry, but we’ll have to continue the death match at another time”
Nixon screams, “What??? I’ve been staring at this freak for seven hours and you’re saying it’s over?? I don’t think so!! I demand you let me join your crew!”
Sisko says, “Nixon, I’ve told you! We can’t afford to bring you on staff. We have enough employees already!”
Nixon pulls out a phaser and shoots Locutus... Locutus dies instantly.
Sisko says, “Welcome aboard, Nixon...”
(and the drama continues...)