“Chakotay’s Log: Stardate: Shortly after last chapter’s stardate. You can tell that this is Part Two of a cliffhanger because I’m in charge of Voyager, and Captain Janeway’s in Sickbay. For those of you with short-term memory problems, here’s a recap of the bad news. We have about 6 trillion Borg ships and 3 billion Kazon ships headed right for us, as well as the USS Equinox. We are under attack. Which means I really should quit this log entry and get to work.”
The Borg ships fire on Voyager. Tuvok says, “The shields are down to 12%!”
Chakotay asks, “How come we never announce when the shields are at 100%?”
The Borg fire again! Then the Kazon fire! Seven of Nine announces again, “Chakotay, are you listening to me?? I said I intend to rejoin the Borg Collective!” Chakotay says, “Seven! You can’t do that!!! Unless....”
Seven asks, “Unless what??”
Chakotay answers, “We’ll beam you to the Borg ship if you promise to give us about 15% of the Borg shields to us.” Chakotay quickly does the math, “That will bring us up to a respectable 27% on shields!”
Seven responds, “Very well...” With that, Seven is beamed aboard the Borg ship.
Minutes later, Tuvok says, “Chakotay! The Borg have increased our shields... We are now up to 37%.” Chakotay says, “Hot damn! This reminds me a little bit of Monopoly: Borg error in your favor, collect an extra 10%!”
Mr. Paris then says, “Chakotay! The USS Equinox is hailing us.”
Paris puts the Equinox bridge on the view screen. Captain Ransom says, “Chakotay, I’d like to make a deal with you. We will help you fight off the Borg and the Kazon, if you promise to return my crewmembers to my ship.”
Chakotay whispers to Tuvok, “Do we still have their crew on our ship?”
Tuvok replies, “Indeed. We just haven’t mentioned them is all.”
Chakotay then says, “Very well, Ransom!! Beam the Equinox crew back to the Equinox!!”
Meanwhile... in Sickbay...
The Doctor is working feverishly to save Janeway. He hooks her up to an IV and begins infusing her bloodstream with some freshly brewed coffee that he managed to steal. Finally, Janeway opens her eyes. The Doctor says, “Captain, are you all right?? More importantly, Captain, do you intend on accepting Commander Chakotay’s marriage proposal???”
Meanwhile... In the Brig...
Kes looks at her Chance Card and reads it out-loud, “Bank error in my favor!! Collect $200!! Too bad, so sad, Odo-Kes!!”
Odo-Kes says, “Laugh while you still can, Kes. You forget that I own Park Place, Boardwalk, Ceti Alpha Five, and Cardassia Prime.”
Kes says defiantly, “Big fat deal! I own Baltic Avenue! And I’ve built houses, hotels and 2 Starbases on it!”
Meanwhile... Back on Voyager’s bridge...
Tuvok says, “Chakotay! You won’t believe this! The Borg are also firing on the Kazon!” Chakotay says, “Cool!! Seven of Nine must have somehow convinced the Borg to shoot the Kazon... Either that, or the Borg are dumb!!”
On the Lead Kazon ship...
Culluh says, “Damn!! The Borg have broken our agreement! They are firing on us now!” Seska responds, “It’s their nature!” Culluh says, “Well, I’m not pleased with the Borg at this point! We must retreat for now! We will be back another time. We still have Ensign Kim as our prisoner, and in good time, we will use him to steal Voyager!!”
Seska grabs Culluh and says, “Kiss me, you poet!” With that, the Kazon fleet retreats back to their own territory...
Meanwhile, in the Kazon Brig...
Mr. Kim says to himself, “Now I know how Kes and Odo-Kes must have felt. But I’ve got it much worse, I don’t have Starfleet Monopoly to play...”
Back on Voyager...
Tuvok says, “Okay, the Kazon have retreated, but the Borg are still firing on us!” Chakotay asks, “What about the Equinox??” Tuvok says, “They left. They’ve changed course. What a bunch of liars!” Chakotay says, “No kidding! Why, I bet their pants are on fire! So now how are we going to stop the Borg?!?”
At that moment, a figure materializes on board Voyager... It’s Locutus!!!
Chakotay gasps, “Zoinks!! It’s Locutus! The Legion of Doom must have sent him to finish us off!”
Locutus says, “Ha!! The Legion of Doom has made a fatal error! They dumped me and let Richard Nixon join their faction. I was presumed dead, but you know nobody ever remains presumed dead.”
Chakotay asks, “So, are you saying you are here to help us??”
Locutus responds, “No, Chakotay, I’m here to get your recipe for fried chicken... Of course I’m here to help you, you dolt!”
Locutus takes over the tactical station and says, “Look, if you concentrate your fire power on the following coordinates, it will disable the Borg ships.” Chakotay says, “Thanks!! Begin the concentration!!” With that, Chakotay closes his eyes and begins thinking really really really really hard.
Tuvok says, “Chakotay, you nitwit. Concentrate our fire power, not our thoughts!!” With that, Tuvok fires. They manage to destroy all but one of the Borg cubes. That lone Borg cube enters a transwarp conduit and escapes.
Chakotay asks, “How come that one Borg ship got away?”
Paris answers, “Chakotay, do you not know anything about a good drama??? Seven of Nine is on the cube, and we can’t kill her!”
Chakotay says, “Oooooh, now I understand. So now the Borg have Seven of Nine... again. How many times are we going to do this storyline??”
Meanwhile... in the 60s Dimension...
Khan says, “Sisko! We obviously can’t defeat the invasion from the 70s Dimension. But I have an idea. I call it the Botany Bay idea.” Kirk says, “Botany Bay???... Botany Bay!!!.... Oh no!!”
Khan continues, “The year is 1969 right now. All we have to do is put ourselves in suspended animation. We will set the alarm clock to wake us up in the 24th century.”
Sisko says, “Brilliant idea, Khan! And then, finally, we can exact our revenge on Voyager!”
Nixon then says, “The 24th century?? I can’t go to the 24th century, I don’t know what to wear!” Sisko says, “You will adapt, Nixon! Okay, let’s all go to the suspended animation chambers.”
Meanwhile... back in the Kazon Brig...
Mr. Kim is still sitting in the Brig, and then Seska comes along with Seven of Nine. Seska throws Seven in the Brig with Mr. Kim and then leaves. Kim says, “Seven, what are you doing here??”
Seven replies, “I was supposed to be beamed back to the Borg ship, but something went terribly wrong and I was beamed to the Kazon ship instead. Now we are both prisoners.”
Mr. Kim says, “Bummer! I don’t suppose you have a deck of cards in that catsuit...”
Seven answers, “You bet I do!! How about a nice game of Spades??”
Meanwhile... Back on Voyager...
“Chakotay’s Log: Supplemental. The last of the enemy ships have retreated. And we have resumed a course toward home... again. I have made Locutus a member of the Voyager crew. He is currently working Seven’s shift in Astrometrics. I suppose at some point we will have to go straight into Borg territory in order to rescue Seven of Nine. I just hope we haven’t made a critical error and beamed Seven to the Kazon ship instead of the Borg, because then we will be going into Borg space for nothing.... Nah, I never make boneheaded decisions like that...”
Suddenly, the Doctor pages Chakotay and says, “Chakotay! You need to get down here immediately! Captain Janeway has woken up!”
Chakotay rushes to Sickbay. When he arrives he sees Janeway sitting up with a goofy look on her face. Chakotay asks, “Doctor, how did you manage to revive her?”
The Doctor answers, “It was simple, I simply injected a ton of coffee into her bloodstream and she woke up!”
Chakotay asks, “But Neelix said we were all out of coffee. How’d you get some?” The Doctor replies, “Simple, I was able to beam some coffee over from one of the enemy ships during the battle.”
Chakotay says, “Nice work, Doctor!!” With that, Chakotay walks over to Janeway’s bed. Chakotay says, “My dear, Janeway. I thought I had lost you forever. It was like somebody tore my heart from my body and then threw it on the floor and smashed with a hammer and then picked up the bloody pieces and began smearing them all over the walls...”
The Doctor says, “Chakotay, your poetry sucks!”
Chakotay continues, “My dear Janeway. Now that you are awake I must know the answer to my proposal. Will you marry me...?”
(To Be Continued....) No wait, not yet....
Janeway looks Chakotay in the eyes and says, “Marriage is irrelevant.”
Chakotay says, “What???”
Janeway continues, “I am Borg. We do not get married. You will be assimilated, resistance is futile! I am the Borg Queen!!”
Chakotay pulls the Doctor aside and says, “How could this have happened? Where did you get the coffee from?” The Doctor replies, “I told you, I stole it from one of the enemy ships. I stole it from a Borg ship.” Chakotay freaks, “You gave Captain Janeway some Borg coffee???”
The Doctor says, “Yes, is that so bad??”
Chakotay says, “Yes!! That’s bad! Don’t you watch the news?? That’s their new method of assimilation: Coffee! Now she thinks she’s the Borg Queen!!”
Janeway says, “I am the Borg Queen, you pedantic drone!”
Chakotay begins crying and says, “I can’t marry the Borg Queen. My mom will freak...”
(And the insane drama continues...)