Chapter 37: “Get Your Hands Off My Maquis!”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published March 23, 2000
“Captain’s Log: Stardate: Shortly after my last log entry. Now that Locutus has completed work on the Kryptonite, I’ve ordered the crew to set a course to find the Legion of Doom. The Kryptonite should be powerful enough to destroy the Legion of Doom for all eternity. Chakotay is upset that I stopped our wedding ceremony in order to complete the Legion of Doom destruction. Chakotay even said he might cheat on me with somebody else. I informed him that I am his superior officer, and that if he cheated on me, it would force me to give him a bad review during his next yearly review...”
Janeway enters the bridge and says, “How close are we to the Enterprise?”
Mr. Kim replies, “Captain??! What kind of question is that?? We have never been close to the Enterprise. They’ve tried to destroy us how many times?? We aren’t close to them at all!”
Janeway strolls over to the Operations system, grabs Mr. Kim by the throat and says, “Idiot! I meant what is our distance from them?” Mr. Kim says, “Oh. Heh-heh. My bad. The distance is 47 light-years.”
Janeway says, “47 light-years? That seems pretty far away!! How long will it takes us to get there?” Tuvok does the calculations and says, “At our current rate of speed, we should get there by the end of the next chapter.”
Janeway says, “Hmph! Very well.” Janeway strolls down to Engineering and heads for the Torpedo Reprogramming Central Matrix. Janeway finds Torres there and says, “Torres! This is quite impressive. I never realized that we even had a Torpedo Reprogamming Central Matrix on Voyager!” Torres replies, “Me, neither. Is that convinient or what?”
Janeway says, “Well, anyways, how are the modifications coming on the torpedoes?” Torres replies, “They are fab! I’ve got them all done. The torpedoes are now fully loaded with the Kryptonite.” Janeway says, “Well played, Torres! That’s my girl!”
Torres pulls Janeway aside and says, “Now Captain, I have to discuss something very urgent with you.”
Janeway says, “What is it?”
Torres says, “I think you need to marry Commander Chakotay... and soon! He’s been giving Seven of Nine the eye.”
Janeway says, “Whose eye?”
Torres corrects herself, “Sorry, it’s a figure of speech. I think Chakotay wants to get to know Seven, in the Biblical sense.”
Janeway says, “Well, that’s just silly. As far as I know, Seven of Nine has never even read the Bible!”
Torres finally screams, “Captain!! Chakotay wants to pork her!”
The light bulb comes on over Janeway’s head and she says, “A-ha. Now I understand. Well, I will put a stop to that!” With that, Janeway grabs one hell of a huge butcher knife and leaves Engineering.
Meanwhile... at Borg Election Headquarters...
A Borg drone approaches Seska and Holo-Janeway. He says, “Good afternoon. I am the President of the Borg Election committee. My designation is 13 out of 27, of Unimatrix 47, of Borg Subquadrant 347024-Beta, representing the Submatrix of Station 1204-00-18. But you can just call me Borg Dave.”
Seska says, “Very well, Borg Dave, do you have the results of the election?”
Borg Dave says, “I do. And, believe it or not, the election has ended in a tie. Seska, you got 33⅓% of all the votes. Holo-Janeway, you also got 33⅓% of all the votes.”
Holo-Janeway asks, “Who got the other 33⅓% of the votes???”
Borg Dave replies, “That’s classified. ...Needless to say, we need to break this tie. And according to our election scans, there are still two Borg drones who did not vote for the election: Locutus and Seven of Nine.” Seska says, “Well, we must find them. And they must break the tie!”
Holo-Janeway says, “Wait! What if Seven votes for me and Locutus votes for Seska? Then we’ll be right back where we started from!”
Borg Dave says, “You are correct. This could be all for nothing. Unless something unexpected were to happen...”
Holo-Janeway asks, “Like what?”
Borg Dave responds, “Some kind of freak accident in which Locutus falls from the turbolift on Voyager and crashes to his death. But the odds of that happening are outrageous. Anyways, we are setting a course for Voyager.”
Meanwhile... on Voyager’s bridge...
Locutus says, “If you’ll excuse me, I need to use the bathroom. Where is your bathroom?” Tuvok answers, “I don’t think we even have one...”
Locutus says, “Really?? Bummer! Well it’s starting to become important. My bladder is on the verge of collapse. I know, I’ll go down to Holodeck Two and run the bathroom simulation...”
Locutus heads for the turbolift and pays no attention to the big sign on the turbolift that says, “Hey! You really shouldn’t use this turbolift! It’s not working right now. If you use it, you will plunge 15 decks to your death. So don’t be some kind of moron and try to use this turbolift. For God’s sakes, man! Don’t use this turbolift!”
Locutus enters the turbolift and a freak accident occurs, and Locutus falls 15 decks to his death. The Bridge crew is horrified as they hear Locutus’ final words, “Splat!”
Meanwhile... in Janeway’s quarters...
Janeway says to herself, “Okay, I’ve got to find a way to win Chakotay back. First I have to woo him, and then I have to get rid of Seven of Nine. But first things first, how do I woo Chakotay?? Oh I know! I’ll write him a poem! I’m going to try to make it rhyme, too!”
Hours later, Janeway returns to the Bridge and says, “First of all, I better say this now and get it over with. I doubt we’ve seen the last of Locutus...”
Mr. Kim says, “No doubt about that, Captain. The housekeeping people have been trying for the last eight hours to remove all the splattered parts of Locutus’ party. What an icky mess!”
Janeway pulls Chakotay aside and says, “Oh, Chakotay. I want you back now, I want you to marry me now. In fact, I even wrote a poem for the occassion: (ahem)
“Chakotay is a Nice Boy and I Really Like Him”
by Captain Janeway
Without Chakotay, I’m alone.
I feel just like a pedantic drone.
I always call him on the phone,
And leave a message after the tone.
I’d like him if he was a clone,
I’d like him if he was a stone.
I’d chase him through the Neutral Zone.
I’d chase him like a dog chases bones.
I’d always buy him ice cream cones,
If he was poor, I’d give him loans.
If he married me, I’d make him moan,
Every night when we got home.”
The crew stares at Janeway in disbelief. Chakotay says, “Janeway, did you go to the Dr. Seuss School of Poetry?”
Janeway says, “But do you like it?” Chakotay says, “I do!” Janeway thinks to herself, “Verrrrry good. Now I just have to get rid of Seven of Nine...”
Suddenly, a Borg cube jumps out of warp and approaches Voyager. Janeway says, “I think it’s so cute that their ships look like dice!... Uh, I mean Battlestations!!!!!!”
But nobody moves to a different station. Janeway then says, “Well I’ll be damned! The battlestations are the same as the regular stations. How about that! Okay, well hail the Borg ship!”
At that moment, Borg Dave appears on the view screen. He says, “Captain Janeway. I represent the Election Committee of the Borg Collective. The reason we are contacting you is because...”
Janeway interrupts, “Just stop right there, I already donated at the office!”
Borg Dave says, “No, you misunderstand. We are here to get the votes from Locutus and Seven of Nine on who should be the new Borg Queen.”
Janeway says, “Well, I regret to inform you that Locutus is dead...”
Borg Dave says, “Dead?? Wow! But do you doubt we’ve seen the last of them?”
Janeway replies, “Oh yes, I doubt we’ve seen the last of him. But still, he won’t be doing any voting today.”
Borg Dave says, “Very well. We have three candidates: Holo-Janeway, Seska, and the mysterious, unknown, third candidate. At this time, Holo-Janeway and Seska would like to have a few moments to speak to Seven of Nine, they would like to give her a campaign speech describing why they each think they should be Queen.”
Janeway says, “Very well. Proceed.”
Holo-Janeway says, “Hello, Seven. I’d like your vote for Borg Queen. I would be humbled and honored to receive your vote. And, of course, if I do not receive your vote, I will certainly kill you.”
Seska takes her turn and says, “Hello, Seven. I would like your vote, if you don’t mind. I’ve always respected you and your views, Seven. The Delta Quadrant needs more people like you Seven. I implore you: please vote for me. Oh yeah, if you don’t vote for me, I will kill you. Quite brutally, I might add.”
Seven says, “Sheesh! No pressure there! Will you give me 47 minutes to think about this? At that time, I will transmit my vote to your ship.”
Seven leaves the Bridge to contemplate her decision. Janeway turns to Chakotay and says, “Wow! Poor Seven. She’ll be in trouble no matter which way she votes. Either way, one of those two women will want to kill Seven. Tsk, tsk, tsk. What a shame...”
Chakotay says, “I know, poor Seven...”
Janeway then says, “Chakotay, this is a little off-subject, but I have a hypothetical question, if I wanted to send an Election Vote Transmission to the Borg ship, and if I wanted to pretend that the vote was coming from Seven of Nine instead of me, how would I do that?”
Chakotay says, “Oh, it’s simple. Let me show you...”
47 Minutes later...
Seven of Nine returns to the Bridge and says, “Okay, I’m ready to transmit my choice.”
Suddenly, for some odd reason, Janeway starts pressing buttons furiously on her console. Moments later, Borg Dave says, “Excellent! We have received your transmission!!”
The tension builds and Borg Dave finally says, “My God! You didn’t vote for either Seska or Holo-Janeway!! You voted for the unknown, third candidate! The third candidate has won the election!”
Holo-Janeway and Seska say in unison, “Ohhhhh, Seven of Nine... You are SOOOOO going to be dead!!” With that, the Borg cube retreats.
Moments later, Seska and Holo-Janeway have a meeting and Holo-Janeway says, “Okay, we obviously both hate Seven of Nine now. We hate the whole Voyager crew, in fact. I have a proposition for you, Seska. Would you like to join the Legion of Doom?”
Seska is excited and says, “How much does it pay?”
Holo-Janeway replies, “$8.00 an hour... Plus tips.”
Seska is outraged, “I can’t live on that!”
Holo-Janeway says, “Okay, how about $7.50 an hour?”
Seska (who was really never much of a math whiz) says, “That’s more like it!” And then Seska signs the forms... And officially joins the Legion of Doom.
But Seska asks, “I wonder who the third candidate was. I wonder what her name is. Whoever she is, she now controls the evil, evil, evil Borg Collective......”
Borg Dave says, “You will find out soon enough, I am getting ready to make a phone call to the third candidate.”
Meanwhile... back on Voyager...
Janeway says to Chakotay, “How terrible! Poor Seven! She has two evil females trying to kill her. Now that is a shame. Anyways, what do you say we finally get married, Chakotay?”
Chakotay says, “No dice, Janeway! I can’t marry you until I know for sure that Seven’s life is not in danger.”
Janeway thinks to herself, “Ouch! I need to start developing cooler plans...”
Meanwhile... in Voyager’s Brig...
Odo-Kes says, “Hey Kes! It sure did take a long time for us to appear in this chapter!”
Kes replies, “I noticed that. I wonder why that is...”
Suddenly, Kes receives an incoming message. The voice says, “Kes! Kes! Kes!! This is Borg Dave of the Election Committee. The final votes were counted and they elected you as the new Borg Queen!”
Kes screams, “Yes!! I just knew that the old third candidate bit would win me some support! Okay, Borg Dave, I’m still trapped in Voyager’s brig. You must send the Collective to rescue me. And then I will be in charge of the Borg Collective, and soon, I will control the galaxy!”
Borg Dave says, “Understood, my Queen. We are on our way to rescue you, and we will succeed, even if we must destroy Voyager to do it!!”
(Insert loud claps of thunder and incredibly dramatic music)
Odo-Kes says to himself, “Well, at least now I know why we were the last one in this chapter....”