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Chapter 38: “The Final Legion of Doom Battle (No Really, We Mean It!)”

Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

Published March 24, 2000

“Captain’s Log: Stardate: Late March. I thought we were still in April. We are continuing our trek to find the Legion of Doom and destroy them for always and ever (no, really, we mean it). I am also continuing my mission to make Chakotay forget all about Seven of Nine so that he will want to marry me again. Last night, I snuck into Cargo Bay Two with my pruning shears and cut every last bit of blonde hair from Seven’s head. She now looks very much like that freaky chick from that first Star Trek film. I know it’s just a matter of time until Chakotay comes pounding on my door and begs me to marry him...”

Suddenly, somebody starts pounding on Captain Janeway’s door. A loud voice shouts, “Captain!! It’s Chakotay! You must let me in at once!”

Janeway says, “I knew it! Enter!!

Chakotay rushes in, looking terribly flustered and says, “Captain! Did you see what happened to Seven of Nine?!? She’s completely bald!!” Janeway says, “Really?? Those sneaky Borg Children. They must have shaved her head while she slept!” Chakotay agrees, “I think you’re right. And I need to thank them the first chance I get. I’ve always had a fetish for bald women!”

Janeway says to herself, “D’oh! How many times can my plans backfire like this?”

The conversation is interrupted by Tuvok who says, “Captain! Please report to the Bridge. A Borg ship is on an intercept course!” Janeway rushes to the Bridge. She says to Tuvok, “Well what it is this time, Tuvok? A Borg cube or a Borg sphere?”

Tuvok responds, “It’s a Borg isosceles triangle!”

Janeway says, “Zoinks!! Put in on screen!”

Tuvok taps a few buttons and suddenly a visual image of the newly bald Seven of Nine appears on screen. Tuvok says, “Whoops!! Heh heh! That’s Channel 47, the Seven of Nine Monitoring Frequency. I just love her new bald look. Makes me wish I was having the Pon farr all over again. Anyways, switching to Channel One...”

Then the Borg triangle appears on screen. The Borg hails Voyager and Borg Dave appears on screen, “Captain Janeway! Resistance is futile! You have Kes in your brig! And she has been elected our new Borg Queen! Unless you want to be brutally destroyed, you will submit to our two demands. Number one: You will hand us Queen Kes!”

Janeway says, “And number two...?”

Borg Dave answers, “We’d like a 7-by-10 photo of the new bald Seven of Nine. She makes my mouth water!”

Janeway says, “Argh! I don’t think so, you Borg bastard! We will not submit to your demands! You will be utterly destroyed! Mr. Tuvok, fire photon torpedoes!!!”

Tuvok says, “Captain, can’t we all just get along? I’m beaming Kes to the Borg ship, and I’m transmitting a picture of bald Seven, in the shower!!”

Borg Dave says, “Hot damn! Thanks, buddy!!” With that, the Borg triangle vanishes into transwarp space.

Janeway turns to Tuvok and says, “You know, Tuvok. I’ve never liked you!! Anyways, we still must destroy the Legion of Doom. Mr. Paris, resume course for the Enterprise! I’ll be in my quarters.”

Meanwhile... on the Enterprise...

Holo-Janeway returns to the Legion of Doom with their newest member: Seska. Sisko pulls Holo-Janeway aside and says, “What do you think you’re doing??? What gives you the authority to let Seska join our little club?”

Holo-Janeway says, “Quite frankly, I’m tired of being the only girl in the Legion of Doom. Especially now that I’ve been exploring my holographic lesbian tendencies.”

Sisko says, “Look! Don’t you remember, we had to let Locutus go when we brought on Nixon because we couldn’t afford to hire any new members?? We still can’t afford any new members, and you just hire Seska without my permission?”

Holo-Janeway says, “Oh, fine. Throw some continuity in my face, why don’t you?”

Sisko then says, “Number two: I am Sisko! She is Seska! The name similiarities are far too similiar. I forbid Seska from joining the Legion of Doom!!”

Seska says, “Wait!! I will work for free. And I will change my name to Blanche!” Sisko considers Seska’s offer and says, “Very well. Welcome aboard, Blanche!”

Nixon walks up to Seska-Blanche and says, “Welcome to our Legion of Doom, I am Nixon... hear me roar!”

Seska-Blanche says, “Hellooooooooo Nixon!! I’ve always had a fetish for fallen U.S. Presidents!”

Holo-Janeway says, “Grrrrrr!”

Meanwhile... On the Borg triangle...

The newly elected Queen Kes gives her State of the Collective address. She says, “I’m very pleased to be elected Queen. I am, however, quite displeased with the way the Collective has been going the past few years. Assimilating children? That’s the best you people can do?? Oh Puh-leez! Today begins a new order!!”

Borg Dave says, “Really?? I’ve always loved New Order.... Bizarre Love Triangle rocks!”

Queen Kes says, “Nobody likes you, Borg Dave. And now you’ve interrupted me! You are dead!”

With that, Borg Dave explodes. It’s quite messy. Queen Kes continues, “I already have an ideal assistant to help me... Meet my Borg Vice President.... Odo-Kes!”

Odo-Kes waves to the Borg Crowd and says, “Hi.”

Queen Kes continues, “Now! On to the business of business! First order of business is, we assimilate Species 8472, once and for all!”

Odo-Kes asks, “But my Queen, these Coronary stories are very very low budget. Can we afford the special effects needed to go into fluidic space?” Queen Kes says, “Yes!! I am the Queen! What I say goes! Set a course for Fluidic Space!”

Meanwhile... Back on Voyager...

Janeway is in her quarters, shaving off all the hair from her head. A big pile of Janeway hair is on the floor and Janeway looks in the mirror, she is now completely bald. She says to herself, “Good! Now Chakotay will want to be with me again!”

Janeway calls Chakotay to her quarters. When he arrives she says, “Look Chakotay! I have a surprise for you.” With that, she shows Chakotay her new bald head. Chakotay gasps, “Sweet Jesus, Janeway! What the hell did you do to your head?” Janeway says, “I shaved it baby, just for you.”

Chakotay says, “Really? Bummer! I’m over the bald fetish now.”

Janeway yells, “Chakotay!! You never used to be this difficult!”

Chakotay replies, “It’s my nature...”

Tuvok interrupts by paging Janeway, “Captain! We are approaching the Enterprise.”

Janeway and Chakotay race to the bridge. When they arrive, Tuvok says, “Oh Janeway! You little trendy! You’re too little, too late! The bald craze has ended!”

Janeway replies, “You know, Tuvok... I’ve never liked you...”

Meanwhile... on the Enterprise... The Legion of Doom shifts to Star Trek II mode:

Kirk says to Sisko, “They are requesting communications, sir.”

Sisko says, “Let them eat static...”

Holo-Janeway says, “They are still running with shields down...”

Sisko replies, “Of course, we are one big happy fleet!”

Then Khan says, “You know. Revenge is a dish that is best served cold...”

Kirk asks, “Is that a Klingon proverb?”

Khan says, “Actually no, it’s from my new cookbook: Forty-Seven Ways to Serve Revenge.”

Back on Voyager...

Janeway says, “Okay. We’ve got them right where we want them. Tuvok, are the Kryptonite torpedoes ready?”

Tuvok answers, “Yes Kojak, um, I mean Janeway.”

Janeway says, “Very good. Fire torpedoes!” Tuvok complies and four Kryptonite torpedoes hit the Enterprise.

Sisko says, “Report!” Holo-Janeway says, “Sisko!! It seems that Janeway has shaved her head!” Sisko says, “Dammit, Holo-Janeway. I meant a damage report!”

Holo-Janeway says, “Heh heh... Whoops... My bad! Voyager has just hit us with four Kryptonite torpedoes.”

Sisko says, “Kryptonite torpedoes!! Oh, ha ha ha ha. Hail Voyager, they are going to feel incredibly stupid once they hear what I have to tell them...”

Sisko hails Voyager and Janeway says, “Okay, Sisko! The game is over!! You are defeated, once and for all!”

Sisko says, “Oh Janeway, first of all... that bald head of yours looks really, really, REALLY bad! Secondly, do you have any idea what Kryptonite torpedoes do to the Legion of Doom?”

Janeway says, “Yes, you pedantic drone! Kryptonite torpedoes will destroy you once and for all!”

Sisko replies, “Tsk tsk tsk... Wrong! Kryptonite torpedoes infuse our weapon systems with incredibly super-powered juice! We now have the energy to destroy your ship once and for all!”

Janeway says, “What??? But Locutus said the Kryptonite would destroy you!”

Sisko is doubled-over at this point, laughing his ass off, the tears are streaming down his face. He says, “Oh Janeway, you are beyond dumb! You believed Locutus? Locutus was a member of the Legion of Doom. The Legion of Doom is pure evil! And pure evil people lie... a lot!”

Janeway says, “Oh, dear. I’m not having much of a good day today...”

Sisko says, “Well Janeway! It seems you are doomed! You are sooooo doomed! You have 47 seconds to surrender to the Legion of Doom or you will be destroyed! End transmission!”

Janeway begins deciding what to do next. At that moment, Seven of Nine enters the Bridge, sporting a new hair-do. Seven now has long, brown hair emerging from her head. Janeway says, “Hey!! Seven, that looks a lot like my hair!”

Seven replies, “You are correct. I stole the hair you chopped off your head and turned it into a wig for me. I realized that the bald fetish is over, and so now I have hair again.”

Chakotay says, “Damn, Seven....You look gooooooood! How did you know that my long, brown hair fetish would begin today??”

Sisko pages Janeway again and says, “Well, Captain! Your time runs out. What have you decided?”

Janeway replies, “I’ve decided that I’m really really really mad now. I try like crazy and my first officer can’t seem to find himself attracted to me. My Astrometrics officer is wearing my hair on her head. I’ve done battle with the Borg more times then I care to think about. I’ve been duped by Locutus and now I have you laughing at me! I say, to Hell with you all! Janeway to Computer: Initiate the self-destruct sequence. Set time for five minutes... With a silent countdown... Enable!!”

The computer says, “Self destruct sequence has been initiated. Five minutes until destruction.”

Janeway screams, “Computer! I said silent countdown!”

The computer says, “There will be no further audio warnings.”

Janeway says, “That’s more like it.”

Torres races to the bridge and says, “Captain! What are you doing?? You are going to self-destruct the ship? I don’t want to die today! Is there anything I can do to change your mind??”

Janeway says, “Well, you could shave the hair off your head and let me use it as a wig.”

Torres then says, “Yuck! Perhaps today is a good day to die...”

To Be Continued...

This page was last modified on Friday, January 25, 2013.