Chapter 39: “The Lost Episodes”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published April 17, 2000
Author’s Note: I know I wrote Chapters 39 and 40. I remember what was going on a little bit, something about Mrs. Khan I forget... Anyways, I’m going to go back to Chapter 39...
(insert voice of Charlton Heston): “Last time on The Voyager Coronary. The Legion of Doom had Voyager disabled. They were about to exact their final moment of revenge on our heroes. Janeway shaved her head in a vain attempt to win back Chakotay’s affections. Kes (the new Borg Queen) and her ever-loyal Vice President Odo-Kes, have led the Borg into fluidic space in order to destroy Species 8472. Janeway was pretty bitter about the turn of events on her ship, so she set the self-destruct sequence. Meanwhile, the members of the Legion of Doom feel so close to winning that they can smell the victory. Or, it was a smell emanating from Khan, who never was a big fan of bathing... And now, lettuce continue...”
Janeway turns to Chakotay and says, “Did Heston finally shut up?”
Chakotay replies, “Yes, Captain. The exposition is complete.”
Janeway says, “Good! All hands: Listen to me very carefully. I have initiated the self destruct sequence. I cannot let this ship fall into the hands of the Legion of Doom. This ship will be destroyed in a matter of moments. I suggest you all go to the escape pods and abandon ship!”
Tuvok chimes in, “Uh, Captain... We don’t have any escape pods. We used them all to create new shuttlecraft.”
Janeway smacks herself on the head and says, “D’oh! You’re right. That kind of messes up my little plan...”
Suddenly, Sisko pages Janeway. Janeway puts him on screen. Sisko has an unhappy look on his face and says, “Janeway!! Our scans say that you have begun the self destruct countdown!!!”
Janeway says, “That’s right, DS9er, this ship will be destroyed in a matter of minutes!”
Sisko says, “You will disarm that self destruct... right now!!!”
Janeway says, “Oh yeah? Or else what?”
Sisko says, “If you don’t turn off that self destruct within the next 60 seconds, then I will launch an attack... I will destroy your ship!!” Janeway says, “My God!! No!! I can’t let you destroy this ship! Janeway to computer: Deactivate the self destruct!”
Chakotay whispers to Tuvok, “Is it just me, or are Sisko and Janeway stupid??”
Tuvok replies, “Indeed.”
Meanwhile... in Borg territory...
Queen Kes says, “Okay Odo-Kes, how much further to Fluidic Space?” Odo-Kes answers, “Just a moment, I’ll do the calculations...”
Then Queen Kes sees a sign on the viewscreen which reads: “Gas and Food: 2 miles; Rest Area: 3 miles; Fluidic Space (the domain of the evil and vicious aliens also known as Species 8472): 5 miles.”
Queen Kes says, “Amazing! How’d they fit all that on to one sign?” Moments later, the Borg create one of their fancy-schmancy quantum singularities. And it opens a portal into Fluidic Space. The Borg cross the border and enter Fluidic Space.
Queen Kes cackles devilishly and says, “Finally!! We will defeat Species 8472! They will be our drones forever and ever!!!”
Suddenly, 47,000 Species 8472 ships decloak around the Borg cube. Queen Kes screams, “They have cloaking devices?? What a bunch of cheaters!!”
Meanwhile... back on Voyager...
Janeway says to her crew, “Well, now what? Sisko intends to board this ship in a matter of minutes. What should we do?” Tuvok raises his hand excitedly and says, “Ooh!! Ooh!! Captain, I’ve got the perfect plan!”
Janeway says, “Well, lets hear it.”
Tuvok explains, “What we do, is go to both transporter rooms and hang up a big sign that says, ‘HEY! THIS SHIP IS FILLED WITH RATS.’ The Legion of Doom will beam aboard, and see the sign, and leave!”
Janeway says, “Hmmmm... That’s not half bad!”
Meanwhile... on the Enterprise...
Sisko says, “Okay, everybody. Janeway is about to surrender Voyager to us. We will finally have control of their starship! So, everybody start packing. Locutus, you’re in charge of turning off all the lights when we leave. Kirk, you’re in charge of forwarding all our mail to Voyager. Holo-Janeway, you’re in charge of cleaning the ship. We need you to do a really really good job so we can get our security deposit back.”
Suddenly, a starship that looks strangely like a minivan decloaks in front of the Enterprise and Voyager. Sisko hails them and says, “Hey! What are you people doing here? We are in the middle of a conquest type of thing. And you are being an interruption!”
A voice on the minivan-ship says, “Benji!! Don’t you talk to me that way!”
Sisko’s knees start shaking and he says, “Oh no! Mom, is that you?”
Mrs. Sisko replies, “Uh-huh. Me and the rest of my associates are here to stop your reign of terror!”
Khan asks, “Who are your associates??”
Mrs. Khan chimes in, “Well, I’m here, Junior! I’m here with Sisko’s mother, Kirk’s mother, and Nixon’s mother. We have come to stop your violent attack, no matter what we have to do!”
Kirk asks, “So basically, you ladies are a bunch of vigilantes in a minivan?”
Mrs. Khan replies, “Yes! We are with an organization called Mothers Against Legions of Terror, Evil, and Doom... Also known as MALTED.”
Mrs. Sisko adds, “You have one minute to stand down your weapons and let Voyager go... Or else you’re in big trouble, Mister!!” With that, the transmission ends...
Sisko says to his crew, “We can’t just let Voyager go. We’ve been after them for so long and we can’t let them slip away now...” Holo-Janeway says, “But what about thet MALTEDs, they said they will stop us!!!” Kirk says, “What are they going to do, send us to bed without dinner? We shouldn’t be afraid of them. We should continue with our plan!”
Sisko says, “I agree with Kirk! Hail the minivan... We’re going to tell those mothers off!!”
Meanwhile... on Voyager...
Janeway says, “Well, I’m just bummed. We have no choice but to surrender. The MALTEDs are not going to succeed. The Legion of Doom has won.”
Suddenly Kim shouts, “Captain!! Look! The MALTEDs in the Minivan are attacking the Enterprise!” Janeway says, “Whoa!! They sure are! The Legion of Doom must have ticked the MALTEDs off!!”
The Voyager crew stares at the viewscreen and they see the Enterprise suddenly explode!! Janeway says, “Whoa!! They destroyed the Legion of Doom. Damn, those are some bad mothers!”
Chakotay says, “I can’t believe the Legion has been destroyed!! I can’t believe the MALTEDs were able to destroy them! And I can’t believe it’s not butter!”
Janeway says, “Indeed. We’ve destroyed them once and for all. Unless, of course, we’ve not seen the last of them... Anyways, Mr. Paris, set a course for the Alpha Quadrant... again. I’ll be in Sickbay. The Doctor has replicated some Rogaine for me!”
Meanwhile... on the MALTEDs Minivan...
Mrs. Sisko says, “I can’t believe what we just did. We just destroyed our own children!”
Mrs. Khan says, “I know. Bummer!! ...Who’s up for a game of Canasta??”
Meanwhile... in Fluidic Space...
Queen Kes says, “I can’t believe this! My very first assimilation and we’re going to be destroyed!”
Odo-Kes quickly flips through his technobabble manual and says, “Wait!! I’ve got an idea, my Queen. If we activate a burst from the warp core, it will channel 500 isotons of antimatter into our positronic relays. We can then reroute power from the EPS manifold and divert the trilithium gamma rays into the deflector pulse. Once that’s done, we initiate a 47-second deuterium matrix polaric pulse. We then fire photon torpedos to coordinates 293 by 410 by 4031 by 103.2731. And that should cause a chain reaction that will destroy all but one of the Species 8472 ships!”
Queen Kes says, “Why will it leave one ship?”
Odo-Kes replies, “It will really help the plot if we can keep one ship intact. And I’ll probably be killed when this console explodes, just so you know...”
Queen Kes says, “Very well. Do your positronic isoton stuff!”
Odo-Kes complies... Moments later, all but one of the 8472 ships is destroyed... At that moment, the console in front of Odo-Kes explodes. He is killed instantly.
Queen Kes says, “Such a tragedy! Borg Queen to the Obituary Unimatrix: Get started on the epitaph for Odo-Kes.”
Suddenly the remaining 8472 ship hails Queen Kes. The person hailing is the 8472 version of Boothby. Queen Kes says, “Hmmmm... I’m really having a déjà vu thing going on right now...”
Boothby answers, “Me, too! But hey, I’d like to join the Borg if you don’t mind!”
Queen Kes, “Cool with me... You wanna be the new VP?”
Boothby agrees and Queen Kes says, “Great! We’ll beam you aboard, and then we will leave Fluidic Space. We will have to find a cool target in our own dimension... Maybe the planet Earth or something...”
Boothby says, “Cool with me...”
Meanwhile... on Voyager...
The Doctor finishes restoring the hair on Janeway’s head. Janeway says, “Oh, thank you, Doctor! What a guy! Now that my hair’s back, I can finally win back Chakotay’s affections... And then I can marry him... Unless...”
The Doctor pretends to be interested, “Okay, you left a big pause after saying ‘Unless...’ I suppose this means I’m supposed to ask unless what??”
Janeway says, “Unless... My dead husband comes back from the dead...”
The Doctor says, “Really?? You used to have a husband?? Where’d you meet him?”
Janeway answers, “Well, I met him at a time paradox convention a few years ago. We fell in love and were married. Unfortunately, he was from the 23rd century, and I’m from the 24th century. It really put a strain on our marriage.”
The Doctor agrees, “Oh, I understand. Long distance relationships are hard to maintain.”
Janeway says, “Ah, forget about it... I’m sure he’s long dead....”
Meanwhile... in the darkest corner of the galaxy...
A meeting has come to order. Several people have gathered together. A woman approaches the podium and says, “Hello. My name is Dr. Beverly Crusher... And I’m an under-used character.”
Dr. Crusher starts to cry, when Lt. Uhura says, “It’s okay, Dr. Crusher. Admitting that you are an under-used character is the first step on the road to recovery. I’d like to welcome you to our group: The Legion of Under-used Star Trekkers... Also known as LUST.”
Uhura introduces Crusher to the other LUSTers. She says, “This is Scotty, and this is Sulu. Both of them were severely under-used in Star Trek II... As was I. And I think you know these two people: Commander Riker: under-used for ages. And this is Counselor Troi, under-used for far too long... ever since she crashed the Enterprise-D.”
Crusher says, “I’m glad I have the support I need.”
Uhura says, “Our leader, Mr. Chekov, is not here right now... He is in the midst of a plan to attack the starship Voyager.”
Crusher asks, “Why Voyager?”
Uhura answers, “You see, it’s the only Trek on TV now. The only way we can get more development is if we somehow take control of Voyager. And Mr. Chekov is on his way to infiltrate Voyager. And do you know what the beauty of this plan is??? There are several people on Voyager who consider themselves under-used. It should only take them a little bit of persuasion to get them to join forces with us...”
Meanwhile... on a shuttlecraft...
Mr. Chekov locates Voyager’s coordinates and says, “Excellent... How wery excellent. I can’t wait to see the look on Janeway’s face when she sees me again... I’m her husband! I’m the husband that she thought died years ago. This will turn Janeway’s life upside down. And vengeance will be mine......”
Chekov suddenly realizes he’s been talking to himself for the last 47 minutes...