Chapter 40: “The Sulu Excelsior Campaign”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published April 19, 2000
“Captain’s Log: Blissful Ignorance. All’s well the ends well, that’s what I always say. The Legion of Doom has been utterly destroyed and the Doctor has brought back my hair. All is well. I can resume my romance of Commander Chakotay. I’ve invited him to my quarters for dinner this evening. I sure hope I don’t burn the pot roast. I always wondered how a computer replicator can burn a pot roast. But hey, this is the future, I guess it’s possible.”
The doorbell rings. Janeway quickly turns on her romantic moods CD. She quickly fixes her face in the mirror. She then opens the door and lets Chakotay in. Janeway gives a seductive pose and says, “Why Commander, how good of you to come!”
Chakotay says, “Well, you ordered me to come, so don’t be thinking it’s this grand gesture.”
Janeway continues her seduction, “You know, Commander. I’ve had my eye on you for a long time. I think it’s time we finally get married. But that can wait. I’ve fixed us a pot roast for dinner and then we’ll make love.”
Chakotay begins to think to himself, “Hacoochey-Moya. I am way too far from the bones of my people. But if you could send a Borg ship, a warp core breach, anything to get me out of here, I’d be grateful...”
Suddenly, Mr. Kim interrupts and says, “Captain!! I’m afraid I must interrupt!” Chakotay is in silent jubilation. Janeway simply goes berserk, “Mr. Kim!!!!! What the hell do you want, you silly little man??” Kim answers, “We have a spaceship approaching... The pilot seems to know you. His name is Chekov!”
Janeway says, “Oh god!! Mr. Kim, please tell me it’s the Russian Playwright and not the navigator from the starship Enterprise...”
Kim replies, “It’s the navigator from the starship Enterprise.”
Janeway says, “Damn!!! He’s supposed to be dead!! Chakotay, I can’t believe this. My husband has returned from the dead.”
Chakotay tries to be helpful, “Well, maybe he likes pot roast...”
Meanwhile... in the Borg Collective...
Queen Kes and Boothby hold an assimilation-planning seminar. Queen Kes says, “I’ve figured out the perfect way to assimilate the Earth!”
Boothby replies, “Do tell!”
Kes continues, “Our last attempts at assimilation were all direct assaults. They failed. I think it’s time for a sneaky approach! You see this envelope I’m holding? It’s a chain letter. But it also contains Borg nanoprobes. What we will do is send this letter to a person on Earth. The person will open it and realize it’s a chain letter. He will then forward the chain letter (and the nanoprobes) to ten of his closet friends. They will then send it on to ten of their closest friends. And in no time at all, we will have assimilated humanity!!!”
Boothby says, “Oh, you sneaky snot! That’s brilliant! How will we send this letter to? Who will be our first victim?”
Queen Kes replies, “I’ve been giving that some thought. We need to find the biggest moron. The biggest dork on the face of the Earth... and send it to him.” Boothby says, “You mean.....”
Kes answers, “Yes! That old schmuck Reginald Barclay!” (insert loud thunder)
Boothby says, “Did you hear that thunder?”
Kes replies, “Thunder in space? How odd...”
Meanwhile... in the Legion of Underused Star Trekkers... (Or LUST)...
Lt. Uhura gives a report, “Well, good news!! Mr. Chekov is about to board Voyager. He will insinuate himself among the crew and we will attack! Voyager will be ours and finally we will have significant plot development!!”
Dr. Crusher says, “Does this mean I’ll get to be the chief medical officer?”
Lt. Uhura says, “Yes, you can have the privilege of deactivating him. And I get to have the privilege of murdering Seven of Nine!” Crusher asks, “Why? Do you have a vendetta against Seven of Nine?” Uhura replies, “Oh, do I ever!! I was the original sex appeal in Star Trek. Did you ever see the short skirts they’d make me wear?? And now they put Seven of Nine in that skintight catsuit. I am not pleased. Her destruction will be my pleasure!”
Mr. Sulu steps in, “You know, I’ve been giving this some thought. I have an even more brilliant plan than taking over Voyager!”
Uhura says, “Do tell.”
Sulu continues, “Well, if you ask me, I think we should simply destroy Voyager! Then the focus would have to be on the remaining Starfleet vessel.”
Uhura asks, “And what would be the remaining Starfleet vessel?”
Sulu answers, “The USS Excelsior!! My ship!! I will be the Captain of my own series! And I will give you all excellent posts aboard my ship if you go along with my plan!”
The LUSTers give Sulu’s idea some thought. And then Uhura says, “Very well, Sulu. We will go ahead with your plan. We will call it the Excelsior Campaign!” (insert loud thunder)
Sulu says, “Whoa! Thunder! Sounds like a storm front’s movin’ in. Anyways, let’s board my ship and set a course to destroy Voyager!”
Uhura says, “Wait!! What about Mr. Chekov? He’s on Voyager now. He’ll be destroyed!”
Sulu laughs diabolically and says, “Sucks to be him...”
Back on Voyager...
Janeway finally meets Chekov face to face. Janeway sits him down to have a talk, “Listen here, Chekov. I think we’ve grown apart. It’s not you, it’s me. We should start seeing other people.”
Chekov is outraged, “Wait a minute!! I know what you’re getting at! You are sleeping with your first officer, Commander Chakotay!! Aren’t you?!?!”
Janeway answers, “Not yet, but if you give me this divorce, I’ll finally get a chance.”
Chekov says, “No dice, Janeway! We took sacred vows! We made an oath in front of God. We vowed to be together for all eternity. How can you expect me to betray everything that I believe in?? How could you be so mean and evil?”
Janeway says, “How about if I give you $20?”
Chekov replies, “Now you’re talking....... Hmmm. On second thought, no way!!”
Suddenly Tuvok interrupts, “Captain, you must report to the Bridge at once, we are being approached by the USS Excelsior.”
Chekov and Janeway race to the bridge. When they arrive, they see Commander Chakotay standing there with a dozen red roses. Chakotay says, “I’ve been giving this a lot of thought... And I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
Chekov says, “Chakotay, I’m flattered! But I’m afraid you’re just not my type.”
Chakotay says, “These are for Janeway, you ignorant Ruskie!”
Chekov is shocked, “Ruskie???!!!”
Janeway interrupts, “That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my life. Of course he’s a Ruskie. But he’s a retard or something!”
Chakotay says, “Indeed. But Janeway, I’ve decided. I do want to be with you.”
Unfortunately the discussion is interrupted when Captain Sulu hails Voyager. Sulu appears on screen and says, “Captain Janeway. You are so very doomed, my dear. I am going to destroy your ship and take my rightful place as star of this show!”
Sulu ends the transmission and says, “Okay, Dr. Crusher, I want you to look up the prefix code for Voyager’s shields. It’s an old trick I learned from that senile Captain Kirk. We will use the code to order Voyager to lower their shields!”
Uhura says, “Well, unless they’ve changed the code. They’re quite intelligent.” Sulu says, “We’re talking about Janeway here!” Uhura says, “Ahhhhh... I see your point.”
On Voyager’s Bridge...
Janeway has an idea. She turns to Chakotay and Chekov and says, “Okay my little boy-toys. I want you both to beam to the Excelsior and overpower Sulu and his cronies. I do not intend on letting them destroy us!” With that, Chekov and Chakotay race to the transporter room....
On the Excelsior...
Dr. Crusher says, “Okay Captain Sulu! I’ve discovered the shield code. Surprisingly, it’s 47-47-47-47.”
Sulu’s voice booms, “Excellent work, my dear! Now enter the code!” So Dr. Crusher enters the code. Suddenly, Uhura shrieks, “Yikes!! Sulu!! Dr. Crusher has entered the code to disable our shields... not Voyager’s!”
Dr. Crusher says, “Oh dear. Bad idea putting me at the tactical station...”
On Voyager’s Bridge... Janeway notices the Excelsior’s shields are disabled. She takes advantage of the situation. She starts barking orders, “Okay!! Mr. Tuvok, fire phasers on the Excelsior. Mr. Paris, get us out of here at Warp 8. And Lt. Torres, cancel the transport. We no longer need to beam Chekov and Chakotay aboard!”
So Voyager fires on Excelsior and disables them. Then Voyager jumps to warp speed. A confused Lt. Torres says, “Oh dear!! Captain Janeway, you better get to the transporter room, there’s been an accident....”
Meanwhile... on Excelsior...
Sulu says, “Damn!! I will make them pay! All hands, begin primary repairs. Tell Christian Slater to do something besides wake me up at 3 in the morning...”
Back in Voyager’s transporter room... Janeway rushes in and says, “My God, Torres, what’s happened?”
Torres says, “There was an accident involving the transporter. Mr. Chekov and Commander Chakotay have been merged into a single being.”
The being says, “Hello, Keptin. We are far from the bones of my people. You can call me Chekov-otay.”
Janeway says, “Oh My-Lanta!! Torres, can you reverse the process??”
Torres says, “I’m going to have all my teams working on it. I think we must reverse the process as soon as possible!!”
Janeway says, “Why so soon?”
Torres says, “Because before you got here, Chekov-otay was threatening to tell parables about Russian History....”
Meanwhile... on Earth...
The ever-dense Mr. Barclay goes to his mail box. He looks at the two letters he’s received. He opens the first one, “Hmmmm... According to Ed McMahon, I may have already won ten million dollars. Oh wait, money doesn’t exist in the 24th century, so this is pretty pointless...”
He then looks at the second letter and says, “Hmmmm... This one seems to be a chain letter of some sort. How interesting... the postmark on the envelope says it was mailed from the Borg Collective. How nice...”
With that, Barclay opens the envelope and unleashes the Chain Letter Assimilation Process, or CLAP.
(And the road to Chapter 47 continues...)