Chapter 45: “Time and Again... And Again... And Again... And Again...”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published May 11, 2000
The nightmare is almost over...
“Borg Queen Log: Stardate: 53921.302391034747474732102474747328474747. Oh, to hell with it! I hate Borg precision. It’s Thursday, okay??? I have decided that I just hate the Voyager crew, specifically Captain Janeway. Why, you ask? Well, six years ago, Captain Janeway tricked me into coming on board Voyager, before I could return The Matrix to the Blockbuster store. I’ve realized that I have now piled a late fee of well over $500. That is not acceptable. And its all because of Janeway. And I will make her pay. As God as my witness, I will make her pay!!”
Boothby turns to Queen Kes and says, “Wow! You’re really getting the hang of this whole melodrama stuff!”
Queen Kes says, “Quite right. And now I’m ready to begin my ultimate plan. My plan will be Voyager’s undoing. Mrs. Khan, prepare the Collective for time travel!”
Mrs. Khan asks, “How does one prepare for time travel?? Do you pack a bag? Do you take some Dramamine? Do you have your hair done??”
Queen Kes’s voice booms, “Figure it out yourself!!”
Mrs. Khan trembles...
Meanwhile... on Voyager...
Commander Chakotay has found himself in a most unfortunate situation. An 88-year-old version of Captain Janeway is chasing him around the Bridge with a weed-whacker.
Old Lady turns to Regular Janeway and says, “Well, aren’t you going to help me?? This schmuck is going to cheat on you!!”
Suddenly... Another time fracture opens on the Bridge... It’s yet another old woman who looks like Captain Janeway.
Seven of Nine is mad, “This is not fair! Three Janeways on the Bridge at once, And yet I haven’t had an episode in months!!! If Braga thinks I’m putting out for him tonight, he’s got another thing coming!!”
Regular Janeway says, “Okay, now who the hell are you??”
The woman says, “I am 91-year-old Janeway. I am here to stop 88-year-old Janeway from harming Chakotay.” 88-year-old Janeway says, “What do you mean?”
91-year-old Janeway says, “Well, three years from now, you will discover that Chakotay did not have an affair and cheat on you!”
88-year-old Janeway says, “And what brought you to that conclusion??”
91-year-old Janeway says, “You idiot!! How could you have forgotten?? Chakotay died when you were 74 years old!! How could a man who’s been dead for 14 years possibly have an affair??”
Seven of Nine chimes in, “Well, I’ve been sleeping with a dead man for months... A certain excutive producer...”
88-year-old Janeway says, “My God. You’re right. I forgot that Chakotay croaked. Heh heh. Sorry about that... As you were...”
With that the two old lady Janeways return to their own time frame. The regular Janeway turns to Chakotay and says, “Well. That was really weird, wasn’t it?? But it seems to all be a big mistake. So do you know what this means, Chakotay?? We can finally be married... Finally!!”
Chakotay pauses and says, “Hmmm... I dunno. I’ve gotten the opportunity to see what you will look like when you’re old. And it’s definitely not a pretty picture. I may have to give this some more thought...”
Janeway shoots him The Look. You know The Look, the “you just better shut your mouth before I come over and pop your eyeballs out of your skull.” And Chakotay says, “Oh Janeway, I’m just teasing. I think we should get married!!”
Suddenly, Tuvok shrieks, “Captain!! The extra Janeways from the future has caused a temporal disruption right in the middle of the bridge!”
Chakotay replies, “Bummer.”
At that moment, Janeway is sucked into one of the time fractures and disappears... Janeway is momentarily knocked unconscious and when she awakens, she finds herself in a broom closet on Deck Four. She gets a hold of herself and finally says, “Hmmmm. This is odd. I don’t remember there being three brooms in this broom closet...”
And, instead of thinking somebody put an extra broom in the broom closet, Janeway says, “My God!! It must be a temporal paradox!! Computer: How long has Voyager been in the Delta Quadrant?”
The computer responds, “Well you’re the Captain, you idiot. You should know these things!”
Janeway growls... The computer then says, “Okay, just simmer down. Voyager has been in Delta Quadrant for 47 days, 47 minutes and 47 seconds.”
Janeway gasps and says, “My God... I’ve come back in time five whole seasons... I’m in the first season!!” Janeway realizes she can’t let this first season crew spot her, it would ruin the space-time continuum. She goes down to make-up and gets one of those funny looking alien foreheads and smacks it on her head. She then begins to wander around Voyager, trying to figure out what’s going on...
Meanwhile... back on sixth season Voyager...
Tuvok runs a scan and reveals, “I do believe that Captain Janeway has fallen backward in time... Most likely to the first season.”
Seven of Nine says, “What?? I wasn’t even in the first season... Braga!!!!”
Tuvok continues, “The time fracture has mutated. It did a polaric iso-charge on the propulsion unimatrix which reversed the matter stream of the particle disruptions and prevented a subspace vacuum from forming around the vortex of the temporal phase shift.”
Chakotay says, “And what does that mean?”
Tuvok says, “In simpler words, we screwed-up subspace.”
Chakotay panics, “Does this mean Captain Janeway can never return to us?”
Tuvok replies, “Well, there is one possibility. But it involves a great deal of first season technobabble. And I don’t know if Janeway will remember it.”
Seven, still desperate for screen time, suggests, “I know!! Why don’t you send me back in time also, so I can help Janeway with the Technobabble!!”
Neelix responds, “No dice, Seven.” A fist-fight insues between Seven and Neelix.
Torres asks, “Should we break it up?”
Chakotay responds, “Nah... With any luck, they might kill each other...”
Meanwhile... on first season Voyager...
Sixth Season Janeway is trailing First Season Janeway wherever she goes. Mr. Kim rushes to Year One Janeway and says, “Captain!! Captain!! I just got an emergency signal from the Kazon-Nistrim. They are in terrible, terrible trouble. They were hoping to make a bundt cake, but they’ve run out of sugar. They’ve asked for our assistance. I think we should send them a cup of sugar, as a sign of goodwill.”
First Season Janeway scowls at Kim and says, “Listen here Mr. Kim. I will destroy this ship before I give the Kazon any of our technology. Do you understand me??”
Kim is confused, “Even though it’s just one cup of sugar??”
Year One Janeway replies, “That ‘cup of sugar’ has the potential of causing drastic problems in this Quadrant. What do you think the other sects will do when they realize the Nistrim have bundt cake technology?”
Kim replies, “Oh, I see your point...”
Moments later, Commander Chakotay approaches Year One Janeway and says, “Captain. If you have a few minutes, I’d like to talk to you about some of the Maquis crew. They are sad because they don’t think they’re getting a fair shake on Voyager.”
Year Six Janeway thinks to herself, “The Maquis?? That name sounds vaguely familiar. Where have I heard that before??...”
Suddenly, Mr. Paris pages from the Bridge and says, “Captain Janeway! You must report to the Bridge at once!”
So, Chakotay and Janeway report to the bridge at once. When they arrive Tuvok says, “Captain! It looks like the Kazon and the Vidiians have formed an alliance. They are leading us directly into a plasma storm. A plasma storm that is 25,000 light-years in diameter!!!”
Sixth Season Janeway thinks to herself, “Okay, now I know this never happened before. Not in season one! Are we just rewriting the past as we go along??”
Then Chakotay gets on the loudspeaker and says, “All hands!! We are under attack. We better go to battlestations. Ensign Jetal and Ensign Ballard, please report to the Bridge.”
Sixth Season Janeway thinks to herself, “Well I’ll be damned... they did exist!”
First Season Janeway says, “My God... We are surrounded. We have no possibility of survival. Unless, of course, we give them the technology they want. And I’m not about to let that happen!”
Sixth Season Janeway thinks to herself, “God, did I really sound like that much of a dictator back then?? Anyways, I can’t let Year One Janeway handle this, she’ll get everybody killed!!” Sixth Year Janeway quickly pulls the old switcheroo. She knocks out First Year Janeway and quickly takes her place.
Then Chakotay says, “Well Captain, should we initiate the self destruct?”
Sixth Year Janeway says, “Not quite yet. I have an idea. I think if we give the Kazon everything on Deck 15, they will be satisfied and will leave us be. But what about the Vidiians? I wonder how we can stop them?”
Mr. Kim says, “Well, Captain. We have a big bargaining point with them. B’Elanna’s DNA. It could lead to a cure of the Phage. We should give them some of B’Elanna’s DNA.”
Sixth Year Janeway says, “Only some DNA?? Just beam Torres to the Vidiian ship, they can take all the DNA they want, and then we’ll escape!”
Tuvok says, “But Captain! The Vidiians will kill Lt. Torres!”
Sixth Year Janeway says, “Hey, if you wanna make an omelette, you gotta break some eggs...”
Then Tuvok says, “Whoa, baby!! Captain, there is a very small temporal rift opening up right on top of you...”
Janeway looks up and a big book falls from the rift and lands right on her face. Janeway calmly says, “Ouch!”
Janeway quickly looks at the book and sees its title: 47 Methods of Technobabble You Can Use If You Are Ever Trapped in the First Season and Wish to Go Back to the Sixth Season!
Neelix says, “Hmmmm... Not a very catchy title...”
Mr. Kim chimes in, “Well, I saw the movie version of that book. But it’s not as good as the book.”
Janeway quickly turns to page 47. The chapter that deals with Vidiians, plasma storms and the Kazon-Nistrim, and the techobabble involved. Janeway reads the chapter and knows what she must do to return to her own time frame.
Janeway rushes to the Conn station and says, “Okay Mr. Paris, I’ll take over from here.”
Paris responds, “But Captain. My duty shift doesn’t end for another 47 minutes!”
Janeway pulls out a sledgehammer and hits Mr. Paris over the head with it. Paris falls to the ground unconscious. Janeway then says, “You’re relieved.”
Janeway takes control off the conn station and begins entering commands like crazy. Moments later... WHAMMO!!! She is returned to the sixth season. Chakotay is very happy to see her and says, “Oh Janeway!! I’m so glad you’re back!! Are you okay??”
Janeway responds, “Oh yeah, I’m just fine. But there’s something been bothering me. Maybe you can help me. Have you ever heard of something called the Maquis?”
Chakotay replies, “Ooooooh. I know I should know this. That word sounds incredibly familiar to me.... Hmmmm... Maybe not... Never heard of them. Anyways Janeway, can we please get married now??”
Janeway says, “Yes!! Let’s get married!” Janeway suddenly pauses for a moment and becomes totally silent.
Chakotay asks, “What’s up?”
Janeway whispers, “Well, whenever we say we’re finally getting married, somebody always jumps in and says ‘suddenly.’ I’m just waiting for that to happen...
After a few moments, nothing happens and Chakotay says, “All righty then. Everything seems kosher to me!! Let’s tie the knot!”
Meanwhile... in the Borg Collective...
The Borg have completed their time travel mission and Queen Kes brings Boothby into a big room, filled with people he doesn’t know. Boothby asks, “Hmmm... Who are all these people, my Queen? Do you happen to know them?”
Queen Kes says, “Oh yes!! And once I introduce them, you’ll realize their importance!!” Queen Kes then begins to introduce her new friends. She says, “This is Captain Kirk. This is Locutus. This is Captain Sisko. This is Khan. And this is Holo-Janeway...”
Boothby says, “My God!! It’s... It’s... It’s... It’s... It’s...”
Queen Kes says, “Damn, Boy!! You got a stuttering problem?? These five people are the most ruthless members of a group called the Legion of Doom!”
Boothby is shocked and says, “You mean, you went back in time and saved them from being killed?”
Queen Kes says, “You betcha!! I sure did. What better plot twist to start the final two chapters... Then to bring back the original Legion of Doom!!”
Holo-Janeway says, “Hmph!! You could have brought back Nixon. He was pretty groovy.”
Queen Kes replies, “No dice, Holo-Janeway. We don’t need Nixon. We will work together to bring down Voyager... Finally! Besides, Nixon was busy.”
Holo-Janeway says, “Busy doing what?”
Queen Kes answers, “How the hell should I know?? He was doing Nixon-esque things, all right? Now are we going to defeat Voyager or what??”
And the new assembly of all that is wretched and evil respond in unison, “Yup!” (And this, of course, is where the loud clap of thunder is heard)