Chapter 46: “The Best of Both Coronaries, Part I”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published May 15, 2000
Well, in just a couple days I’ll be gone to see The Cure. Finally!! I’m going to four different Cure concerts: Two in New Orleans, one in Houston and one in Dallas! I’ve been waiting and planning and planning and waiting for months!!! So, what better time to give the most shocking finale ever!! So shocking, that I stole it straight from The Next Generation!! Part two will be in a couple weeks. The grand finale. The torture is nearly over...
“Borg Queen’s Log: Stardate: Chapter 46. I recently went back in time to bring back the infamous Legion of Doom. I now have Locutus, Sisko, Captain Kirk, Khan and Holo-Janeway working for me. Along with Boothby and Mrs. Khan. This is no doubt the greatest fighting force ever assembled. And now our alliance will be Voyager’s undoing... MWAAA HA HA HA HA! And they say I’m bitter...”
Kes completes her log entry and says, “Okay gang. I have come up with a plan to assimilate Voyager into the Borg Collective!”
Kirk says, “Do tell. What’s this big plan??”
Kes replies, “That was it. We are going to assimilate Voyager into the Borg Collective.”
Kirk rolls his eyes. Kes continues, “Don’t worry. We will be successful. As we speak, Chakotay and Janeway are planning for their wedding. The last thing they are expecting is an attack from the Borg.”
Boothby says, “Oh, well that explains why we didn’t get an invitation to their wedding...”
Kirk fumes and says, “What??? Janeway is marrying that tattooed baboon?? This will not do. We must attack at once!!”
Meanwhile... On Voyager...
The crew gathers in the rarely-used Voyager wedding chapel. They wonder if Janeway and Chakotay will finally get married this time. The past 47 times they tried, somebody has come back from the dead or launched an attack on Voyager or something. The crew have learned their lesson and have not brought gifts to this wedding...
Finally the priest shows up and says, “Okay, looks like any remaining presumed-dead spouses aren’t going to make it in time. I say let’s get started with this wedding. Chakotay and Janeway have decided to write their own vows...”
Janeway says, “Whenever I’m alone with you... You make me feel like I am home again...”
Chakotay says, “Whenever I’m alone with you... You make me feel like I am whole again...”
Then they both say in unison, “However far away... I will always love you... However long I stay... I will always love you... Whatever words I say... I will always love you...”
Mr. Paris turns to Lt. Torres and says, “Is it just me, or did Janeway and Chakotay quote Cure lyrics for their wedding vows?”
The priest then says, “By the power vested in me by the state of North Dakota and as County Commissioner for the Delta Quadrant... I now pronounce you Captain and Commander... You may kiss the bride.”
With that, Chakotay and Janeway are finally married!! The whole crew starts cheering like crazy. Except for Mr. Kim, who has got the tears pouring down his face. Seven of Nine says, “Are you that moved by the marriage ceremony?”
Kim responds, “No, it’s not that. It’s just, I think its a real shame that it’s Janeway’s wedding day, and she looks like a cow in that wedding dress...”
Suddenly, an announcement comes from the Bridge... It’s Mr. Tuvok, who says, “Captain! You must come to the Bridge at once... We’ve enslaved the Bored!!”
The crew give each other a confused look and say, “Huh??”
Tuvok says, “Whoops!! I mean, we’ve engaged the Borg!”
Janeway says, “Damn!! I was hoping to start our wedding night, Chakotay!”
Chakotay says, “Don’t worry Captain, we will take a private turbolift to the Bridge. And on the way we can consummate our marriage.”
Janeway says, “But it will only take 47 seconds to reach the Bridge in the turbolift.”
Chakotay says, “I know... It usually doesn’t take me long...”
Janeway begins giving this marriage a second thought, she finally says, “No time, Chakotay! We must get to the Bridge!”
Moments later, the all arrive on the Bridge and Janeway hails the Borg. She says, “Hello. This is Captain Kathryn Janeway-Chakotay. Will you Borg give us a break already?”
Queen Kes responds, “No dice, Janeway. You are quite doomed this time. I’ve recruited the Legion of Doom and this time you will meet certain doom!”
Janeway responds, “Oh I don’t think so... You has-been. Mr. Tuvok, engage the cloaking device!!”
Tuvok says, “Um, Captain. We don’t have a cloaking device.”
Janeway says, “I assure you, we do. It was one of the gifts from the bridal shower.”
Tuvok says, “Aha! You are right. Engaging the cloaking device!”
On the Borg Cube...
Holo-Janeway says, “Queen Kes!! They’ve activated a cloaking device!”
Kes replies, “No kidding, you pedantic drone!! Locutus, how long until their cloaking device loses power? I’m guessing the answer will have something to do with the number 47...”
Locutus responds, “You are correct!! The cloaking device will fail in 47 minutes and 47 seconds...”
Back on Voyager...
Janeway says, “Okay. I’ve come up with a plan. Here’s how it will go: Mr. Paris, Lt. Torres and I will beam to the Borg ship and try to disable it. Also, Seven of Nine, Mr. Neelix and Mr. Tuvok will take the Delta Flyer and try to find the Talaxian convoy, so they can help us defeat the Borg.”
Neelix chimes in, “But Captain... The Talaxians are 47,000 light-years away!”
Janeway screams, “This is not the time for continuity, Neelix! So what do you think, boys and girls? Any problems with this plan? Anybody have any reservations about this plan?”
Chakotay says, “Well I have reservations... But they’re for the Sheraton.” (ba dum bum)
Janeway says, “Chakotay... You’re too funny. You see, I knew you wouldn’t have to get naked in order to make me laugh...”
The crew Chakotays at Chuckles. Or chuckles at Chakotay. Janeway continues, “As for the rest of you, Mr. Kim, The Doctor, and Chakotay. You are in charge of developing a weapon that will destroy the Borg ship. And be prepared to use it, no matter what the cost. But you must not allow the Borg to escape!”
Meanwhile... on the Borg ship...
Queen Kes notices the Delta Flyer is leaving Voyager. Kes runs a scan and says, “Hmmmm... It seems Seven of Nine is on that shuttle. That woman, I just hate her. If it wasn’t for her and her double-D cups, I’d still be on Voyager! I’m taking a ship and going after her. I will destroy her!”
Kes turns to Sisko and says, “Okay Sisko. I’m leaving for a while. You have the Borg.”
Sisko says, “Don’t you mean, you have the Bridge?”
Kes says, “Boy, pushy aren’t you?? Fine, you have the Bridge. You have the Canasta and the Gin Rummy, too. See if I care!” Moments later, Kes leaves in a shuttle and chases after the Delta Flyer...
Back on Voyager...
Janeway says, “Okay, this is it. Torres, Paris and I are beaming to the Borg ship. You are in charge, Commander. And remember, if the Borg ship tries to escape, you must destroy them!! Even if I am still on board, you must destroy them! Is that understood??”
Chakotay says, “Why do I have the feeling that this is a classic case of foreshadowing...” Moments later, Janeway, Torres and Paris board the ship and start looking for a way to destroy the ship...
Meanwhile... Kes is closing in on the Delta Flyer. Suddenly, a Hirogen fight promoter (who looks like a Delta Quadrant Don King) approaches both vessels and says, “Hello. I am Delta Quadrant Don King. But you can call me DQDK. I see that Kes and Seven of Nine are sworn enemies.”
Kes and Seven nod their head in agreement. DQDK says, “Well, I know what I’m going to do. I’m kidnapping all of you: Kes, Seven, Neelix and Tuvok. And I’m arranging for the ultimate Pay-Per-View event: Kes and Seven: Fight to the Death!”
Kes and Seven say, “Hey, sounds good to me!”
DQDK replies, “Cool!! Now please come with me. No need to bring your clothes, you’ll be fighting nude... In Jell-O.”
Seven says, “Fighting nude in Jell-O??? What’s that all about?”
DQDK answers, “This is the UPN network, you know...”
On the Borg ship...
Torres and Paris are searching the lower decks for a way to destroy the Cube. Suddenly, they come face to face with... Khan!! Khan holds a big huge phaser on them and says, “You’ve reached the end of the line... Too bad, so sad.”
Meanwhile... Janeway comes face to face with... Captain Kirk!! Kirk says, “Hello, dear Janeway. I’m so happy to see you! Now, will you please divorce Chakotay so that you can be my bride?”
Janeway says, “I don’t think so Kirk... You’re such a pain... Why do people always want to bring back Kirk??”
Kirk says, “Fine Janeway, see if I care. You’ve let me with no choice to assimilate you!!” Suddenly, 47 Borg drones swoop down on Janeway. Moments later, Janeway is assimilated by the Borg!! She is now known as Borg-Janeway!!
Borg-Janeway says, “My God... now I’m the pedantic drone...”
Back on Voyager... The work on the ultimate weapon continues. Unfortunately there is a slight mishap and The Doctor and Kim are seriously wounded. They are rushed down to Sickbay while Chakotay works to perfect the weapon.
When The Doctor and Mr. Kim reach Sickbay, a woman enters the room and says, “Hello, Doc... Hello Harry. Do you remember me?? I’m Ensign Jetal!!” (insert obligatory thunder here)
Ensign Jetal says, “Hmmmmm... It seems I only have enough time to save one of you two bozos. I’m getting the strangest sense of déjà vu. And do you know which one of you two I’m going to save?”
The Doctor and Kim give Jetal a pleading look and they say, “No, who are you going to save?”
Jetal replies, “Why... neither of you... Justice is served!! MWAAA HA HA HA!!”
Meanwhile... On the Hirogen Pay-Per-View Planet...
The death match between Kes and Seven begins. Both of them are viciously attacking the other in the Jell-O pit.
Tuvok says, “I wonder which of these two will emerge victorious. But one thing is certain...”
Neelix says, “I agree, there’s always room for Jell-O.”
Tuvok replies, “Indeed.”
Suddenly, the bleachers that Tuvok and Neelix are sitting on collapse. They both fall 47 feet to the floor. Neelix screams, “This is what you get when you don’t buy good seats, Mr. Vulcan!”
Tuvok is knocked unconscious. Neelix rushes to his side and says, “Are you all right Mr. Vulcan?”
Tuvok wakes up, very disoriented and says, “No. I am not okay. The concussion has caused be to regress back to evil-Tuvok, as seen in the ‘Meld’ episode.”
Neelix responds, “Evil-Tuvok? Oh Mr. Vulcan not you, that’s silly. Now give me a smile, Mr. Vulcan. I know you can do it Mr. Vulcan. Come on Mr. Vulcan, show me those pearly whites of yours. Do I have to tickle you, Mr. Vulcan?”
Tuvok suddenly grabs Neelix by the neck and says, “Don’t call me that!!”
Neelix gasps, “Mr. Vulcan, I can’t breathe!”
Tuvok replies, “That’s because I’m choking you, Mr. Nitwit!”
Two guards witness the attack. One of the guards says, “We should break up this fight!”
The second guard replies, “What?? This is what the audience has been screaming for since Voyager began. Let’s pretend we don’t see anything and we’ll let Tuvok strangle him...”
Meanwhile... Back on the Borg ship...
Torres manages to turn the tables on Khan briefly. But her plan goes awry and Khan manages to grab Mr. Paris and holds a phaser to Tom’s head.
Torres says, “Khan!! You let Tom go right now... Or I will kill you!!!”
Khan says, “HA! I know you won’t kill me!!”
Torres says, “What makes you think that??”
Khan approaches B’Elanna Torres and says, “Brannon Braga never told you what happened to your father...”
Torres whimpers and says, “He told me enough... He told me that... Wait, I know this... He told me... Ummm... Okay, you’re right. He never told me what happened to my father.”
Khan replies, “I am your father...”
Torres says, “I’m a Khan?? I can’t believe this!! Although, B’Elanna Khan does have a lyrical ring to it...”
Mr. Paris turns to Khan and says, “You’re her old man? Can I call you Dad?”
Khan says, “I don’t think so, Turkey Platter. So will you join the Legion of Doom, my beloved daughter?? Or do I kill Mr. Paris?? You have 47 seconds to answer me...” (insert Jeopardy! theme music here)
Back on Voyager...
Ensign Wildman rushes to the Bridge and says, “Chakotay... Where is everybody??”
Chakotay replies, “They’re all involved in life or death cliffhangers.”
Wildman says, “Okay... I get it. Sorry I was late, I was doing the crossword puzzle. Anyways, I’ve just received a message from the Borg ship. They have assimilated Captain Janeway!!”
Chakotay says, “Damn!!”
Wildman then says, “The Borg are ready to escape... Remember what Janeway said, now. You must destroy them. You must use the weapon.”
Chakotay says, “Oh Lordy. I know. Computer: Get the weapon ready, fire at the Borg ship. But the weapon will only be launched when I say ‘Fire.’ ....You got that?”
The computer responds, “You got it, babe.”
Chakotay turns to Wildman and says, “I can’t destroy them just yet. Janeway is my beloved wife now. I will not give that order! We must find another alternative.”
Wildman says, “Fine. Whatever you say.” With that, Wildman pulls out her crossword puzzle.
A few tense moments later, Wildman says, “Hey Chakotay. I need help with my crossword puzzle. Number 47-across: four letter word: The clue is ‘really hot red stuff that can burn you real bad.’ Last letter is an ‘E.’”
Chakotay says, “Wildman, you dolt... That’s an easy one. The answer is fire!!”
The computer says, “Firing weapon...”
(fade to black)
To Be Continued...