Chapter 47: “The Best of Both Coronaries, Part II”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published May 26, 2000
Dedicated to Mr. Robert Smith and The Cure for giving me some of the best nights of my life. The Dream Tour Concerts were perfection achieved. Thank you for playing the song I’ve been waiting to hear live for the past eight years: “The Same Deep Water as You.” Now, on to the final bit of goofiness...
Insert voice of Charlton Heston: “Last time, on The Voyager Coronary. It was the worst of times, and it was the worst of times. The Legion of Doom and the Borg Collective teamed up to destroy Voyager. Janeway, Torres and Paris beamed to the Borg ship to destroy the Collective. Neelix, Tuvok and Seven of Nine were kidnapped by the Hirogen. Borg Queen Kes was also kidnapped, and Kes and Seven were forced to do battle to the death... in a pit of Jell-O. Tuvok snapped and began to strangle Neelix. Mr. Kim and The Doctor were injured and their only hope for survival came from Ensign Jetal, who decided to exact her revenge on them both by deciding to let them die. She’s a bitter little Bajoran. Torres and Paris came to face to face to her real father: Khan! Captain Janeway was assimilated by the Borg Collective and Commander Chakotay gave the terrifying order to destroy the Borg ship carrying Torres, Paris and Borg-Janeway! I think that about covers it... Lettuce continue.”
Ensign Wildman screams, “Commander!! You’ve accidentally given the terrifying order to destroy the Borg ship!”
Chakotay replies, “Heh heh... Whoops. Well look at the bright side... I’ll get a new pip!”
Wildman says, “Wait! Commander, the weapon didn’t work. The Borg ship didn’t suffer the slightest bit of damage!”
Chakotay says, “Heh heh... Whoops. Well look at the bright side... I won’t get court-martialed!”
Wildman then says, “Commander!! The Borg ship is powering their weapons! They are getting ready to destroy us!!”
Chakotay says, “Heh heh... Whoops. Do you have any ideas on how to get us out of this??”
Wildman says, “Wait... Yes!! There’s only one person I know who has incredible knowledge on the Borg. The person who came up with the brilliant plan to rescue Seven of Nine from the Borg Collective!”
Chakotay says, “Do you mean....?”
Wildman says, “Yes! My daughter Naomi! She’s our only hope!”
Chakotay then says, “Well isn’t she presumed dead?? Or back in the Alpha Quadrant??”
Wildman replies, “Yes! But luckily the Borg twins cloned her for their science project!”
Chakotay says, “Hmmmm... If I remember correctly, they cloned potatoes for their science project...”
Wildman screams, “Chakotay! This is not the time for continuity!!”
Chakotay says, “Agreed. Bring Clone-Naomi up here!”
Meanwhile... Tuvok continues to strangle Neelix...
Neelix is gasping for air and Tuvok laughs maniacally and says, “I’m having a wonderful time!”
Neelix can think of only one way to insure his survival. He remembers something he learned at the Talaxian Academy of Martial Arts. It was the “Pillsbury Doughboy Maneuver.” Neelix quickly tickles Tuvok and Tuvok giggles and says, “Ooooh-oooh...”
Suddenly Tuvok snaps back into reality and says, “Whoa baby! This was totally unexpected... What happened??”
Neelix replies, “You almost strangled me!”
Tuvok says, “I know that! I mean, what happened? Why didn’t I succeed?”
Neelix answers, “No time for that now, Mr. Jackass.... Um, I mean Vulcan. We need to rescue Seven of Nine before Kes pounds the hell out of her.”
Neelix and Tuvok run ringside to where the battle is progressing. In true WWF fashion, Neelix finds a folding chair and hands it to Seven. Seven uses it to smack Kes on the head. But wait... Here comes The Rock. The Rock rushes into the ring and grabs Neelix. The Rock starts choking Neelix. Tuvok starts shouting, “Great job Rock... You... well... You rock!”
But wait... Seven of Nine grabs the folding chair again and hits The Rock over the head with it. The Rock collapses. Seven announces, “Victory is mine!” With that, she grabs the WWF championship belt and rushes out of the arena with Tuvok and Neelix. They rush back to a Voyager shuttlecraft and head back to Voyager.
In the arena, Kes is about to lose consciousness when she decides to use the Jell-O in her favor. She assimilates the Jell-O and regains her full strength. Kes grabs another Voyager shuttlecraft and she races after Seven of Nine and the others. Kes mutters under her breath, “How very convenient that the Hirogen happened to have two Voyager shuttles.... mwaa ha ha ha ha...”
Meanwhile... Khan repeats himself and says, “Did you hear what I said, B’Elanna? I am your father!”
Torres replies, “I’m not deaf... I’m just laughing at the superior intellect. So, if you are really my father. Tell me something that only my father would know.”
Khan answers, “You are half-Klingon.”
Torres says, “Whoa! You are no doubt my father! Can I have a hug?”
Khan says, “No hugging until we kill off Mr. Paris here.”
Tom screams, “B’Elanna! You can’t believe him! Ask him for a DNA test!”
Torres replies, “You’re thinking of O.J. Simpson.”
Tom says, “No!! Now listen to me, you must get a sample of his DNA!”
Khan says, “Never!! This is my DNA. And you’re not going to have any of it!”
Suddenly, Tom punches Khan in the face. Khan then accidentally spills some of his DNA on the floor.
Tom says, “HA!! I’ve got it now! Now all we need is a DNA test. But how can we possibly get a DNA test on a Borg ship?”
Borg-Janeway comes from around the corner and says, “Simple, you pedantic drone. Go to the Borg DNA Lab. It’s on Deck Matrix 474747Alpha.”
Torres sees the newly assimilated Janeway and says, “Captain! You’re... you’re... you’re... a Borg Drone!!”
Borg-Janeway answers, “No kidding, you pedantic drone!”
Torres continues, “I can’t believe this... I.... I... I.... I... I... I... I... I...”
Borg-Janeway says, “You.... you... you... you... have a stuttering problem!”
Suddenly, Sisko comes around the corner and says, “We don’t have time for this!! All of you... Just shut up!”
Paris says, “Hey, you aren’t the boss of us! What makes you think you can be Mr. Tell-Us-What-To-Do?”
Sisko replies, “The Borg Queen is gone for the moment. In her absence I am the one in charge of the Borg Collective!”
Torres asks, “So while she’s gone... You are a Queen?”
Sisko is angry, “How dare you make accusations about my sexual orientation!”
Sisko activates the viewscreen and says, “Look, my pathetic Voyagers... My drones are on the verge of destroying your ship. At last Voyager will be destroyed. At last good will be defeated and evil will emerge triumphant. At last Voyager’s reign of goodness and benevolence will come to an end. At last, I will be able to take drama lessons to handle such over-the-top dialogue like this...”
Back on Voyager...
Naomi Wildman rushes to the Bridge. Chakotay says, “Please!! Dear Naomi. You must help us! Can you think of any possible way for us to defeat the Borg and bring back Janeway, Torres and Paris?”
Naomi pauses for a moment and says, “Hmmmmm. Very difficult. Have you tried firing phasers and photon torpedoes?”
Chakotay says, “Naomi!! That’s brilliant!!” Chakotay turns to Wildman and says, “You heard her, Ensign. Fire phasers and photon torpedoes!” And Wildman starts firing.
On the Borg cube...
The rumbling begins. Khan says, “My God! We are under attack!!”
Sisko does his best Borg Queen impression and says, “Naomi!”
Wildman reports to Chakotay, “Commander! The Borg’s shields are down!”
Chakotay turns to Naomi with a dumbfounded look on his face. Naomi says, “Okay, you should now beam them back to Voyager.”
Chakotay says, “My God, Naomi! Brilliant! You are tactically wise beyond your years! Ensign Wildman, beam them aboard and beam them to Sickbay!”
Wildman replies, “But Commander! Sickbay is not secured! Ensign Jetal is still torturing the Doctor and Harry Kim!”
Chakotay says, “Damn! I forgot about that cliffhanger!”
Meanwhile... In Sickbay...
Mr. Kim and The Doctor plead with Ensign Jetal, “Please! Please do not let us die! You are willing to kill us both in order to satisfy your desire for revenge!”
Jetal replies, “You betcha!”
Mr. Kim tries a new method, “But Ensign Jetal. You look so lovely today! Is that a new blouse?”
Jetal blushes and says, “Why yes... Yes it is!! Wait!! You’re not fooling me that easily!” With that, Jetal brings out the bottle that contains the Cure to The Doctor and Harry’s illness. She coldly looks at the two dying people and promptly spills the Cure on the floor.
Jetal then says, “HA!! Now that you two are strapped to those beds, you’ll never be able to reach the Cure. And you will die!”
Mr. Kim replies, “Oh yeah?? Well that blouse makes you look like a freakin’ heifer!!”
Ensign Jetal briefly leaves the room. The Doctor turns to Mr. Kim and says, “Don’t worry, Ensign. I know the secrets of Sickbay... Hey, that sounds like a good name for a movie by the way, The Secrets of Sickbay. ...But I digress. All I have to do is give one command, and these tables we’re laying on will tip over. Then we can drink the Cure off the floor and be saved!”
Mr. Kim says, “Ewww! Drinking it off the floor?? I’m an Ensign, not a poodle!!”
The Doctor replies, “It’s either that, or we die...”
Kim says, “Okay, I’m a poodle. Give the order!”
The Doctor then says, “Computer: Activate EMH Protocol 47, and tip these tables over!”
The computer says, “Engaging the protocol... Tipping over the tables...”
With that, the beds tip over and The Doctor and Mr. Kim begin slurping up the Cure. Ensign Jetal rushes back into Sickbay and says, “Nooo!! How is this possible??”
The Doctor replies, “We’ve turned the tables on you.” (ba dum bum)
The two are cured and Mr. Kim grabs Jetal and says, “You’re coming with me!!”
With that, Mr. Kim leads Jetal down to the brig. In the hallway they pass by the Borg twins and the Delaney sisters. Mr. Kim looks at them and says, “Oh, I think the auditions for the Doublemint commercial are down on Deck 14.”
Meanwhile... The Doctor contacts Chakotay and says, “Good news! We’ve defeated Jetal! Sickbay is secure!”
Chakotay replies, “Well done!” And moments later, they beam Torres, Janeway and Paris back to Voyager.
The Doctor pages Chakotay from Sickbay and says, “Chakotay! This is quite a bummer. Captain Janeway has been assimilated by the Borg Collective!! Do you know any possible way to counteract the effects...”
Chakotay suddenly has a flashback to an infomercial he saw one night:
WOMAN: Hi Bill! These implants are killing me!
MAN: Why, you have been assimilated by the Borg, Sue!
WOMAN: What?? Is that why I’m so uncomfortable, Bill?
MAN: That’s right, Sue. But don’t worry. I know just the thing for you!
WOMAN: What is that, Bill?
MAN: Why... It’s new “Borg-Be-Gone"!
MAN: That’s right, Sue. With just a few drinks of this potion, your assimilation to the Borg Collective will be terminated!
WOMAN: No... It can’t be done...
MAN: It can be done, Sue!
WOMAN: Well, something like this must cost hundreds of dollars, Bill. And I’m a Drone on a fixed income.
MAN: That’s the best part, Sue. This is a bargain at only $19.95 a bottle. Plus: The first 5,000 callers who phone in to order “Borg-Be-Gone” will receive a free gift: a “Borg-Be-Gone” clock radio!
WOMAN: Bill, you’ve saved me! What is the number I need to dial??
MAN: 1-800-BYE-BYE-BORG-WE-DONT-WANT-YOUR-CYBERNETIC-IMPLANTS-IN-OUR-BODIES-FOR-THE-REST-OF-OUR-LIVES. Operators are standing by... Sorry, no COD’s.
Chakotay returns to reality and says, “I must get that anti-Borg juice!”
Meanwhile... Kes’ shuttlecraft is closing in on Seven’s shuttlecraft...
Neelix panics and says, “My God, she’s going to destroy us all! We must find a way to eliminate Kes!”
Seven runs a quick scan and says, “Good news! There is a wormhole dead ahead. Okay, let’s power up the weapons!”
So the weapons are powered up and Seven says, “Now, when I give the order, Mr. Tuvok, you must fire on Kes. She should lose control and be sucked into the wormhole.”
Tuvok says, “Okey dokey!”
Seven continues, “Remember... Wait until I give the order.... Wait.... Wait... Wait... Now... Just kidding... Wait... Wait... Okay... No.... Wait... Wait... Hee-hee.... This is fun... Wait... Wait... Now!!”
Tuvok fires at Kes. Her stolen Voyager shuttlecraft spirals out of control and is sucked into wormhole. Seven says, “Good work, everybody!! Kes is probably now trapped at the other side of the Galaxy! Now let’s return to Voyager...”
Moments later, Seven’s shuttlecraft is brought back to Voyager. Seven, Tuvok and Neelix hear of the Janeway assimilation.
Tuvok says, “If I may be perfectly frank for a moment. I must say that Janeway looks pretty damn hot as a Borg drone... In a logical sense, of course.”
The Doctor administers the Borg cure to Janeway. The assimilation slowly reverses itself. The Doctor then begins investigating the DNA that Tom and Torres stole from Khan. The Doctor reaches a conclusion, “It turns out Khan is just a big fat liar. He is not your father.”
Torres says, “He lied?? Well then, who is my father?”
The Doctor says, “We may never know. I think that decision should be left up to Brannon Braga. But in any case, it looks like your mother got pregnant from a sperm bank.”
Tom chimes in, “Or possibly, a sperm ATM machine...”
Suddenly, Voyager begins to rumble. The officers rush to the Bridge and Mr. Kim announces, “Captain! The Borg ship has been repaired, they are firing on us!”
Janeway quickly says, “We must get Naomi up here! She’s the only one who can help us defeat the Borg!!”
Wildman then says, “Sorry Captain. She’s having her graham crackers and then it’s time for her nap...”
Janeway says, “Damn!! It looks like we’re finally doomed...”
Suddenly, a ship decloaks off the port bow! The ship hails the Borg Collective and says, “Hello... Borg Collective?? I’m Mr. Whipple from the Fire and Safety administration.”
Sisko replies, “Administration is irrelevant.”
Mr. Whipple continues, “Not so fast! Our scans show that you have 47,000,047 Borg drones on that ship of yours!”
Sisko says, “You are correct.”
Whipple then says, “Well, I’m afraid that the capacity for a Borg ship is only 200,047 drones. You are in violation of the fire code. Your Borg ship is a fire hazard, and I’m afraid we’re going to have to shut you down!”
Sisko screams, “Noooooooooooooooooo!!”
And with that, Mr. Whipple flips a switch and the Borg are deactivated. Janeway says, “Yay!! Finally!! The Legion of Doom and the Borg have finally been stopped! Thank you, Mr. Whipple!”
Mr. Whipple then says, “Not so fast, Janeway! I’ve scanned your ship also. Your capacity is 147 crew members... Unfortunately, you currently have 151 crew members on board! I’m afraid I’m going to have to shut you down also...”
Janeway acts quickly and says, “Janeway to Transporter Room Two: Beam the Borg brats into space!”
After that piece of handiwork is complete, Mr. Whipple then says, “Very good Janeway... Back down to an acceptable 147!” With that, Whipple leaves into the sunset.
“Captain’s Log: Stardate: 474747.47. All’s well that ends well. That’s what I always say. We have resumed a course for home... again. Imagine my surprise when I realized today that we are only about three blocks away from Earth now. Apparently we flew through the Beta Quadrant and Alpha Quadrant all this time. And we kept right on thinking we were still in the Delta Quadrant... How silly is that? Anyways, I’ve promoted Naomi Wildman to first officer due to her heroics against the Borg. Chakotay was a little bitter about that, but I rewarded him last night (if you know what I mean, wink wink). Mr. Kim finally quit whining about still being an Ensign after I demoted him to Court Jester. Mr. Paris and Lt. Torres are planning to get married. Mr. Tuvok has been spending a lot of time in Holodeck Two replaying the ‘Let’s kill Neelix’ simulation. Mr. Neelix’s Good Morning Voyager talk show has been nominated for four Emmys! The Doctor and Seven of Nine have begun a passionate love affair. Apparently the Doctor increased her bust size... and I didn’t even think that was possible... And now Seven is showing the Doctor how grateful she is (if you know what I mean, wink wink). And the elements of evil have been incredibly destroyed. Even poor Kes, who was sucked into the wormhole and taken to some other part of the galaxy. I would say I doubt I’ve seen the last of her... But our Coronary contracts have expired... This dream never ends...”
Meanwhile... on the other side of the galaxy...
Kes’ stolen Voyager shuttlecraft emerges from the wormhole and is pulled into the gravitational field of a strange planet. A planet that seems to be made up of only living machines. The shuttlecraft is badly damaged and Kes is killed. But the machine people find a piece of the wreckage and looks at the words.... It says, “V... G... E... R...” The head machine man says, “Hmmmm.... Looks like Vejur to me...”
And the human adventure is just beginning......