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The Voyager Coronary: “The Borg-less Episode”

Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

In order to help those who are on the verge of mental collapse because of the Borg Crutch... I’m proud to present the following episode which will air later this year.

“Captain’s Log: Supplemental. We have received a distress call and are rushing to the scene to lend a hand.”

Voyager reaches orbit of the planet. Janeway asks, “Okay, Tuvok. Who attacked these people?” Tuvok runs a few scans and says, “I am detecting traces of phaser fire. They have a Borg signature. Indeed, the Borg attacked these people.”

Janeway is doubtful, “Don’t be so sure, old friend. I think it was Species 8472. They managed to fabricate a Borg weapon signature and they were the ones who attacked this planet. Species 8472 knew we would come across this planet and would assume that the Borg destroyed these people. Species 8472 assumed that we had been pushed too far. They assumed that we would seek final vengeance against the Borg and launch a full scale attack to destroy the Borg forever. Once we blasted the Borg from existence, Species 8472 would be free to return to our galaxy and purge it of all life. And I’m not falling for their trickery!!”

Tuvok replies, “Indeed.”

Suddenly, Mr. Kim shouts, “Captain, I see a ship on the long-range sensors. It’s a Borg cube!!”

Janeway is doubtful, “Not likely, Ensign. Most probably the Borg cube is a holographic illusion. Created by a group of renegade holograms who wish to take control of our ship by creating this diversion. And I won’t fall prey to their duplicity!”

Kim says, “Captain, I ran a full scan. It’s not a hologram, it’s really a Borg ship!”

Janeway is doubtful, “Don’t bet on it, buddy boy. What likely happened is that the Borg ship is under the command of some of the survivors from the massacre at Wolf 359. They got a hold of that Borg cube and decided to come to the Delta Quadrant!”

Torres interrupts, “Which would explain the Klingon artifact.”

Suddenly, the Doctor announces from Sickbay, “Captain! Seven of Nine is violently ill! She has a positronic overload in one of her cranial implants. I must operate at once!”

Janeway rolls her eyes, “Now Doctor, didn’t you get the memo? We are not using the Borg Crutch anymore. What likely happened is that Seven of Nine was hit by a Plymouth Voyager when she was 3 years old. And the doctors had to put a metal plate in her head. And that is what causing her illness.”

Chakotay observes, “A Plymouth Voyager? That would explain why she was hesitant to join our crew. A repressed memory type of thing...”

Janeway responds, “No doubt. You have to get up pretty early in the morning to outwit me.”

Just then Mr. Paris interrupts, “Captain. My scans show a recent warp trail in this area. It has a transwarp signature! The Borg were here very recently. We need to book!”

Janeway laughs and says, “Oh, Mr. Paris. Mr. ‘Dumb-Dumb Low IQ’ Paris. You don’t know what you’re talking about. Obviously the transwarp signature was from the USS Excelsior. You know, that ship is supposed to have transwarp drive...”

Torres chuckles, “Aye. And if my Grandmother had wheels, she’d be a wagon...”

The bridge crew laughs... Fade to black...

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.