“The Endgame to End All Endgames”
By Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published May 25, 2001
Don’t get me wrong here... I really enjoyed “Endgame". I just had to make it a part of my ridiculous Coronary tradition! ☺
Yes... This story is chock full of spoilers! — Cureboy
SOMETIME IN THE DISTANT FUTURE...
The Starship Voyager flies into San Francisco, zooming right past the Golden Gate Bridge. Thousands of people lining the streets in applause. Hundreds of fireworks blazing in the distance.
A news reporter then says, “Everyone remembers that historic day, ten years ago, when the USS Voyager returned from the Delta Quadrant. It was a shame that Captain Janeway confused the fireworks for phaser blasts and ordered half of San Francisco destroyed. But still, everyone was glad to see them come home.”
A grey-haired Janeway says, “Computer: Change channel. Switch to The Weakest Link. I like that lady’s style.”
Later that same day...
A party is held at Starfleet Headquarters. An annoying young woman starts running around yelling, “Can I be bridge assistant? Huh? Can I?” Captain Kim kneels down and says, “Well, you must be Naomi Wildman’s daughter.” The girl replies, “Yes. I am Sabrina. And you are...?” Kim replies, “I am Captain Kim. I haven’t been to one of these reunions in four years.”
Sabrina replies, “I know. Trust me, you weren’t missed...”
Just then, Admiral Janeway arrives and says, “Beat it, you snot-nosed little brat.” Kim answers, “Yes, Admiral.” Janeway growls, “I meant Sabrina.” Sabrina runs off sobbing. Kim smiles, “It’s so good to see you, Admiral!” Janeway replies, “I wish I could say the same.” Kim then says, “I’m sorry I missed the funeral... I should have been there.” Janeway says, “Yeah, you should be! They were your parents, for crying out loud!” Kim says, “No, I meant Chakotay’s funeral.” Janeway replies, “Oh... Right.”
Kim panics, “Wait a minute... You’re telling me my parents are dead?” Janeway answers, “Yeah. 22 years ago. Didn’t you get that data stream?” Kim is shocked, “No!! Oh god, this is awful! But it does explain why they haven’t returned my phone calls...” Captain Kim runs off sobbing.
Just then, The Doctor arrives, with a very young blonde female on his arm. Mr. Paris comes rushing over and says, “Why Doc, I didn’t know you had a daughter.” The Doctor scolds, “This is my wife!” Paris replies, “Really? How did you pull that off?” The Doctor answers, “She’s not hung up on appearances. She loves me because of who I am on the inside.” Paris then asks, “You brainwashed her, didn’t you?” The Doctor answers, “Shhh!”
Mrs. Doctor says, “Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Tom. Joe here has told me so much about you!” Paris is shocked, “Joe????”
The Doctor replies, “Yup. My full name is Joe Mama.”
The next day... Mr. Barclay begins his class, Borg 101...
Barclay says, “As a special treat, we have the woman who wrote the book on the Borg.” Barclay holds up a book titled Futile, My Ass!. A student raises his hand, “Admiral Janeway, how did you handle the Unimatrix Zero situation?” Janeway replies, “I had myself assimilated in Part One, then I was back to normal by the end of Part Two.”
Barclay interrupts, “You students will remember this was called the Reset Button Effect.”
Another student says, “How much did Seven of Nine have to do with Unimatrix Zero?” Janeway growls, “I don’t want to talk about Seven of Nine.” The student then says, “How did you feel when Chakotay picked a nice set of jugs over you?” Janeway growls, “I said, I don’t want to talk about Seven of Nine!”
A few hours later... Admiral Janeway visits the obviously insane Tuvok...
Tuvok growls, “You’re an imposter! Admiral Janeway only comes on Sundays.” Janeway replies, “But today is Sunday.” Tuvok growls, “You’re an imposter! I can prove it! Take off your pants!” Janeway says, “Oh... No thanks.” Tuvok growls, “You’re an imposter! I’m putting you on my imposter roster!” Janeway rolls her eyes, “Look, Tuvok. I’m leaving. I’m going to go screw around with history. Wish me luck.” Tuvok growls, “Imposter!!”
After that, Admiral Janeway visits a cemetary. She stands in front of Chakotay’s grave and says, “Oh Chakotay, I always enjoy visiting you here.” With that, Janeway begins dancing on Chakotay’s grave...
A few days later...
Admiral Janeway arrives at the Klingon Homeworld. She is met by Tom and B’Elanna’s daughter, Ensign Paris. Ensign Paris says, “Admiral! I’m so glad to see you again.” Janeway replies, “I wish I could say the same. Where is Korath?” Ensign Paris says, “Do you mean the brilliant Klingon scientist who is offering to give you time travel technology in exchange for a seat on the Klingon High Council? ...Oh, how I hate plot exposition.” Janeway says, “Yes, that’s the guy I’m talking about.” Ensign Paris says, “I’ll show you, Admiral.” Janeway says, “I’m a big girl, Ensign. I can take care of myself. Now please get out of my sight.” Ensign Paris gripes, “Well, you could at least say thank you.” Janeway says, “Yeah... But I won’t.”
Ensign Paris runs off sobbing. Janeway continues through the caves and comes face to face with Korath.
Janeway says, “Hello, Korath. Do you have that rift technology?” Korath answers, “Yes. And I’ll give it to you, but it will cost you.” Janeway sighs, “What more could you possibly want?” Korath says, “I want your shuttlecraft, your technology and season tickets for the ballet!” Janeway says, “Okay. I guess I can swing that.” Korath then says, “Oh yeah. And I want naked pictures of Seven of Nine.” Janeway growls, “I really don’t want to talk about Seven of Nine!”
Korath says, “Then we don’t have a deal! Get out of my face!” Janeway says, “I’ve had enough of this Klingon crap. I’m taking the device whether you like it or not!” With that, Janeway grabs the device and beams back to her shuttle. Korath hails her and says, “You will pay for your deceit!”
Admiral Janeway replies, “I am one of Starfleet’s most decorated officers. So a big poo-poo on you!” With that, Janeway jumps to warp.
A short time later, a starship approaches Janeway’s shuttle. It’s Harry Kim’s ship. Captain Kim hails Janeway and says, “Admiral... This is Captain Kim of the Starship Rhode Island.” Janeway laughs, “Rhode Island?? What kind of dumbass name is that for a ship? It’s supposed to be something dramatic like the Avenger, or the Pioneer, or the Discovery.” Kim replies, “Quit making fun of me. I’ll have you know I was this close to becoming captain of the USS North Dakota...”
Janeway says, “Well, what do you want?” Kim answers, “I found out what you are up to. And I’m here to stop you!” Janeway laughs, “Oh Harry, you were always such a funny little man. You pose no threat. You and your starship are absolutely worthless. And I won’t waste anymore of my time with you!” With that, Captain Kim starts sobbing and Janeway continues to her coordinates.
Suddenly, two Klingon ships decloak and approach Janeway’s shuttle. Janeway panics, “Oh dear God! Hail the Rhode Island!” Kim appears on the screen, wiping his eyes, and says, “What do you want, Janeway?” Janeway smiles, “I just wanted to say I’m sorry. Because I wuv you.” Kim smiles, “Oh Admiral... That means so much to me. Thank you!”
Janeway says, “Fine. Now get your idiotic ass over here and protect me!” Moments later, the Rhode Island arrives and Harry says, “Don’t worry, Admiral. I’ll beam you aboard!” Janeway says, “No dice! Just get these Klingons off my tail!” Harry smiles, “I don’t blame them. You have such a nice tail.”
Janeway says, “Oh Harry... We really need to find you a girlfriend...”
Meanwhile... 26 years earlier...
B’Elanna wakes up Tom and says, “Tom... It’s time! It’s time!” Paris replies, “Not right now, B’Elanna. I have a headache...” Torres growls, “No, you schmuck! I’m going into labor!” Paris says, “Oh... Well good luck with that...” Torres says, “No way, Flyboy! You’re coming with me to Sickbay!” Paris asks, “‘Flyboy’? Since when did you start calling me ‘Flyboy’?”
Moments later... Torres and Paris arrive in Sickbay. The Doctor runs a few scans on Torres and says, “Sorry kids. No baby tonight!” Paris whines, “You mean we both got up in the middle of the night for nothing??” The Doctor says, “I’m afraid so, Tom. And it’s really a shame because you can use all the beauty sleep you can get...”
A couple hours later... In Janeway’s ready room...
Captain Janeway says, “Another false alarm? What’s wrong with that woman?” Chakotay says, “Who knows when she’ll ever give birth...” Janeway says, “Just tell the Doctor to get a transporter lock on the baby and beam it out!” Chakotay growls, “That’s your answer for everything, isn’t it?? Transporter lock this and transporter lock that!” Janeway asks, “What’s your problem?”
Chakotay sighs, “Captain... I’m afraid this relationship isn’t going to work. I just don’t feel you’re taking our relationship seriously...” Janeway says, “I didn’t realize we had a relationship...” Chakotay continues, “And I think it’s for the best if we start seeing other people.” Janeway laughs hysterically and says, “Um, yeah. Okay Chakotay. I’ll try to pick up the shattered pieces of my life and move on...”
Chakotay enters the cargo bay and sees Seven of Nine on a big blanket, preparing a meal. Chakotay asks, “What’s going on?” Seven of Nine replies, “It’s a picnic. My research tells me that this is an appropriate third date.” Chakotay says, “What? Third date? I didn’t realize we had two previous dates. Where the hell did this come from?” Seven says, “Come on Chakotay, your first shot at a storyline in months and you’re going to question it?”
Chakotay says, “You’re right. Let’s sit down and enjoy. This looks like a lovely picnic.” Seven quips, “I thought about making the picnic really authentic and I almost brought some ants.” Chakotay replies, “Oh, I wish you would have invited my Aunt Linda. She loves picnics!” Seven groans, “Obviously I don’t love you for your mind...”
Meanwhile... In the Mess Hall...
Icheb plays against Tuvok in a spirited game of Kalto. Icheb places a stick in the right position and says, “Kalto! Yes! In your face!” Tuvok says, “I lost? Impossible!! I must be suffering from some sort of debilitating disease...” Kim says, “Boy, you are certainly a sore loser.”
Moments later... Tuvok visits the Doctor.
The Doctor says, “Oh Tuvok. Your disease is getting worse. I’m afraid it’s only a matter of time before you start babbling on about imposters.” Tuvok asks, “Can you write a note confirming I have the debilitating disease? I want to shove it down Ensign Kim’s throat.”
Tuvok leaves... And Seven arrives...
The Doctor says, “Why, Seven. What can I do for you?” Seven answers, “I’ve decided to date Commander Chakotay.” The Doctor gasps, “Why??” Seven says, “I have this thing about sleeping with my superiors. But I need your help. I need you to alter my implants.” The Doctor asks, “Alter them... How?” Seven answers, “Right now the very idea of a love affair with Commander Chakotay makes me physically ill. So I need you to change my brain waves so that I find him attractive.” The Doctor says, “All right... You want to ruin your life? I’ll be glad to help.”
Suddenly, Janeway comes over the intercom, “Senior Officers, report to the Bridge... Now!!!” Seven says, “Is it just me, or has Janeway become even more bossy?” Janeway repeats, “I said now!!!!!”
Seven, Chakotay, Paris, Tuvok and Kim arrive on the Bridge at the same time. Captain Janeway is waiting for them and she yells, “Report!!” Paris says, “You’re the one who has been sitting here... You tell us.” Janeway says, “Oh yeah. Well, we’re on the edge of a really super big nebula.”
Seven runs a scan and says, “I am detecting a large amount of neutrino emissions.” Chakotay says, “Don’t look at me, I’ve been avoiding Mexican food...” Seven says, “There must be hundreds of wormholes in the center of that nebula!” Chakotay is stunned, “And hundreds of worms, no doubt...”
Janeway says, “One of those wormholes must lead to the Alpha Quadrant! Take us in, Mr. Paris!” And Voyager enters the nebula.
47 seconds later... 47 Borg ships converge on Voyager. Janeway says, “Take us out, Mr. Paris!” And Voyager exits the nebula.
Janeway sighs, “Just put that on the bad idea list... And let’s move on.” Kim growls, “Captain! We can get home through these wormholes! We must take this chance!” Janeway says, “You might be the Captain someday, Mr. Kim, but not today. Wait, look who I’m talking to, you’ll be lucky to make Lieutenant before you die.” Harry runs off sobbing...
Just then, Tuvok announces, “Captain! There is a rift forming... There is a ship coming out of it!” Chakotay says, “Klingon?” Janeway smacks Chakotay and says, “Now why the hell would it be Klingon?” Tuvok says, “No... It’s Federation!”
Just then, Admiral Janeway’s ship exits the rift. She quickly hails Voyager and says, “You must activate your technobabble and seal that rift!” Captain Janeway looks at her and says, “Mom? Is that you?” Admiral Janeway says, “I outrank you, you twit! Seal that rift!” Voyager activates their technobabble and the rift is sealed. Captain Janeway says, “Okay, I’ve done what you asked. Now tell me what you’re doing here.”
Admiral Janeway says, “I’ve come to bring Voyager home...”
Meanwhile, the Borg Queen is watching the whole conversation on her big-screen Borg TV and says, “Sphere 274: More popcorn!”
Admiral Janeway is beamed aboard Voyager and says, “I am you, dear Kathryn. I am your future self... 26 years from now.” Captain Janeway walks over and stands right next to Admiral Janeway. Just then Tuvok walks in and says, “Wait a minute... Which one of you is the really old Janeway? It’s kind of hard to tell...” The Doctor runs a DNA scan on Admiral Janeway and says, “Yes Captain. This is definitely a future version of you. The DNA is identical.”
Captain Janeway says, “I still don’t believe this. I seek more proof.” Admiral Janeway shows Captain Janeway her driver’s license. Captain Janeway says, “Very well. I am satisfied.”
Admiral Janeway explains, “I have come to bring Voyager home early. Otherwise it’s going to take you another 16 years to get home. You must go back inside that nebula.” Captain Janeway says, “I don’t think so, darling. There are about six trillion Borg ships in that nebula.” Admiral Janeway scoffs, “Oh, but I wrote the book on the Borg. Which was later made into a miniseries. We can adapt my technology to Voyager and fly right past the Borg!”
Meanwhile... Seven of Nine begins to regenerate. Suddenly, she finds herself on board a Borg ship... Face to face with the Borg Queen! Seven looks at her and says, “What have you done to Susanna Thompson??” The Queen replies, “I’ve... neutralized her. And I’m here to warn you, Seven. You stay out of my nebula.”
Seven says, “I didn’t see your name on it...”
The Queen says, “Look here, you bionic bimbo! If Voyager comes back into my nebula, I will destroy you all. And I will remove your Borg implants!” She pauses to look at Seven’s breasts and continues, “...All of your implants!” Seven shrieks, “Noooooooooo!!” And Seven is violently awoken from her regeneration.
Several hours later... Voyager returns to the nebula. Captain Janeway says, “Bridge to Engineering: Activate the armor!”
Suddenly, several layers of battle armor cover up Voyager. The Borg Queen activates her viewscreen and sees the armor-covered ship entering the nebula. The Queen says, “Who invited the Batmobile?”
The Queen sends some ships to destroy Voyager. But Voyager is hardly damaged in the attack. Captain Janeway says, “Fire the fancy-schmancy torpedoes!”
Tuvok fires the torpedoes and blows a couple Borg ships to bits. The Queen witnesses all this and begins bawling, “It’s just not fair!” Voyager proceeds to the center of the nebula and finds some goofy-looking Borg structure. Captain Janeway says, “What the hell is that?” Admiral Janeway says, “Never mind! Just take us into the wormhole. The 4712th one from the left!”
Seven of Nine says, “Captain... It’s a transwarp hub!”
Chakotay gasps, “Hubba hubba!”
Captain Janeway growls, “You knew this was here, Admiral. And you didn’t tell me! Shame on you! Take us out of here Mr. Paris... NOW!!”
Admiral Janeway growls, “Take us into the wormhole Mr. Paris... NOW!!”
Captain Janeway growls louder, “Paris, I gave you an order... NOW!!”
Admiral Janeway growls even louder, “Paris... Listen to me... NOW!!”
Paris says, “This is my worst nightmare come true!” Paris faints. Captain Janeway takes the controls and takes Voyager out of the nebula.
Admiral Janeway and Captain Janeway take a walk. Captain Janeway says, “I want to know what the hell is going on?” Admiral Janeway says, “Seven of Nine is going to die.” Captain Janeway gloats, “Finally!” Admiral Janeway says, “Chakotay will never be the same. He will be Seven of Nine’s husband.” Captain Janeway falls on the floor laughing, “Chuckles... With Seven of Nine? Oh please! I can see it now: Seven of Nine-Chakotay.” Admiral Janeway says, “Not only that... But Mr. Tuvok will go incredibly insane.” Captain Janeway replies, “So... At least he will finally be interesting...”
Hours later... In the Briefing Room...
Captain Janeway says, “Okay. So I think we need to destroy this hub. It will deal a crippling blow to the Borg. Of course, we’ll still be stranded in the Delta Quadrant.” The crew all smiles and says, “What a wonderful idea!”
Admiral Janeway says, “Damn! You people are just her little puppets, aren’t you? It’s like watching The Stepford Wives...”
Mr. Kim then begins a speech, “Nobody here wants to get home more than me. Mainly because you people are so mean to me. But when I think about all the experiences we’ve had, I think that maybe the destination isn’t what is important. Maybe the journey is what...” Captain Janeway interrupts, “Ensign Kim?” Kim replies, “Yes?” Captain Janeway says, “Shut up!” Harry runs out of the briefing room sobbing...
Admiral Janeway says, “Wait a minute. Maybe there is a way for us to have our cake and eat it to!” Chakotay whines, “How come I didn’t get any cake?” Captain Janeway ignores him and says, “What do you mean, Admiral?” Admiral Janeway answers, “I think it’s time you injected me with a mysterious hypospray and sent me off to meet with the Borg...”
Hours later... at the Borg Unicomplex...
The Borg Queen asks, “Cube 4221, what’s going on with Voyager?” The Collective responds, “They’re still in your nebula... And they’re making fun of you.”
Just then, Admiral Janeway appears and says, “Hello Queenie.” The Borg Queen says, “You!! Get over here and let me assimilate you already.” Admiral Janeway says, “Ha! I’m just a hologram, or something.” The Borg Queen asks, “Well what do you want?”
Admiral Janeway says, “I want you to drag Voyager back to the Alpha Quadrant and in exchange I’ll give you a defense against the fancy-schmancy torpedoes!” The Queen giggles, “I don’t think so! I’ve triangulated your position. Which is pretty impressive considering I don’t know what triangulate means...”
Just then, the real Admiral Janeway is beamed aboard the Queen’s room. The Queen says, “So what is Voyager up to?” Admiral Janeway says nothing. The Queen says, “Not feeling talkative, huh? Maybe this will help!” With that, the queen starts tickling Admiral Janeway. Admiral Janeway scoffs, “I am not ticklish!” The Queen says, “Oh really?” Well maybe this will help!” With that, the Queen assimilates Admiral Janeway. The Queen then says, “Yes! Victory is mine! I will send a fleet of ships to destroy Voyager!”
Just then, the Borg Queen comes unglued. No really, I mean it. She literally comes unglued. The Borg Queen rips one of her own arms off her body. The Queen shrieks, “I’m dying!” Admiral Janeway retorts, “Come on, you’re pulling my leg.” The Queen replies, “No, I’m pulling my leg.” With that, she rips a leg right off her own body.
Admiral Janeway retorts, “Boy, this little battle is costing you an arm and a leg! A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...!”
Meanwhile... on Voyager...
Seven announces, “Captain. The Admiral has infected the Queen with the pathogen. The Borg shields are down!” Janeway’s voice booms, “Excellent work, my dear! Tom, take us into the wormhole... NOW!” Tom whimpers, “Okay...”
With that, Voyager enters the wormhole, but a Borg sphere follows closely on its tail.
The Queen turns to Admiral Janeway and says, “My sphere will destroy Voyager. Captain Janeway will be destroyed, and Admiral Janeway will never exist. And I won’t have to collect on my accidental dismemberment insurance!”
Admiral Janeway says, “I don’t think so, my dear. You are the dumbest Borg... Goodbye!”
Suddenly, KABOOM! The special effects people just blow the hell out of everything... The Unicomplex, the transwarp hub, the Borg trailer park, you name it. All destroyed!
Meanwhile... On Earth...
Admiral Paris sees the transwarp corridor opening and says, “My God! It must be the Borg! Send a fleet of ships to those coordinates!” Barclay asks, “Are we like the only two people in all of Starfleet? Does this concern anybody else?”
Back on Voyager...
Tom panics, “Captain... The Borg sphere is gaining on us!” Seven announces, “There is an escape route... But that would lead back to the Delta Quadrant.” Janeway giggles, “Oh, wouldn’t that piss off the viewers?? Mr. Paris... Prepare to alter course!”
Meanwhile... 18 Federation ships stand ready at the edge of the transwarp corridor. One of the captains says, “Finally, some action! We’ve been bored senseless since that DS9 finale...”
Just then the Borg sphere exits the corridor... And is promptly destroyed! Suddenly, Voyager emerges from the center of the destruction!
Janeway says, “What the hell?” Tuvok answers, “I think we were in the middle of the sphere or something... I don’t know. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.” Janeway says, “It doesn’t matter... We’re home!!”
Suddenly, The Doctor says on the intercom, “Sickbay to Bridge...” The Doctor is interrupted by the gurgling sounds of a baby. Chakotay says, “Doctor, we can’t hear you over those annoying baby sounds...”
Janeway smacks Chakotay and says, “It’s a baby, Chakotay! Don’t you know what this means??” Chakotay answers, “We finally found that Borg baby?” Janeway smacks Chakotay and says, “No! B’Elanna has given birth!” Chakotay says, “Oh... Who cares? Come kiss me, Seven.” Janeway gags and says, “Chakotay... Take the helm.” Chakotay is puzzled, “That’s where Tom usually sits, right?” Janeway says, “Yes!”
Tom rushes off the bridge and down to Sickbay to see his new baby... And to be sure to remind the Doctor to have B’Elanna’s tubes tied.
Chakotay takes the helm. Janeway smiles and softly says, “Set a course... For home.”
The crew smiles and hugs each other.
Janeway screams, “Now!”
Insert visual graphics of 10 ships that may or may not be the Enterprise escorting Voyager to Earth...