In honor of our Pro-Janeway endeavor, I dusted off the old keyboard. ☺
In the heart of the Romulan Empire...
Admiral Sela reviews the latest intelligence report. She screams, “I’m outraged at this Intelligence report!”
Her trusted aide, Lt. Saavik comes rushing in and says, “What is it, Admiral? ...Wait a minute! First of all, what are you doing in this film?” Sela replies, “The author of this story knows the plot is supposed to feature some sort of Romulan villain. And, apparently, I am the only Romulan villain the author can think of. He remembers me from the Star Trek: Armada game.”
Saavik replies, “Aha!”
Sela then says, “Wait! What are you doing here, Saavik?”
Saavik answers, “Well, I am half-Romulan, you know. And I got rather bored hanging around on the planet Vulcan. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get those people to have a spirited round of the Hokey Pokey?”
Sela says, “Okay... I gotcha.”
Saavik then says, “Now that we’ve gotten that troublesome exposition out of the way... What are you so upset about?” Sela replies, “I just reviewed the latest Intelligence report. And it says I’m not the most intelligent person in the quadrant anymore!” Saavik smirks, “Oh... You mean somebody else was able to find Waldo?” Sela growls, “Shut up, Saavik! Now that Captain Janeway has returned from the Delta Quadrant, she has usurped me as the most intelligent person in the quadrant!”
Saavik giggles, “Usurped? That’s such a funny word!”
Sela growls, “Anyway!! Kathryn Janeway must be stopped! I am going to find Captain Janeway if it’s the last thing I ever do. We will search every corner of the quadrant if necessary. And when we find her, we will grind her into dead!”
Saavik jumps up and down excitedly, “Yay!! Road Trip!”
Meanwhile... On the legendary Enterprise-E...
Picard dramatically says, “Make it so!”
Data whines, “Make what so?? For the past eight years we’ve been bored out of our skulls. Sure, we get lucky once every few years and bump into Captain Kirk, the Borg, or some evil planet-snatchers. But other than that, all we do is explore! Can anybody remember when we used to be action-adventure heroes?”
Picard is miffed, “You watch your tongue, Mr. Data. Or else you’ll end up dead by the end of the film!” Data replies, “I hope so! That’s the only reason I came back for this sequel!”
Just then, Counselor Troi enters the Bridge. Everybody turns to look at her. They shoot her a very dirty look and go back to their work. Troi whines, “What? Are you guys still mad that I guest-starred on Voyager?” Riker replies, “Yes! It was unforgivable! I would never stoop so low!” Troi says, “Oh yeah? What about ‘Death Wish’?” Riker answers, “That doesn’t count, because I don’t remember it.” Troi says, “Fine. If this is the way you really feel...”
Troi starts crying and continues, “Maybe you would all be happier if I just left the ship...” Picard clicks his commbadge, “Bridge to Transporter Room 2, prepare for Counselor Troi’s departure.” Picard then turns to Troi and says, “Don’t worry, we’ll send you your things.” Troi, who is now sobbing, is led to the turbolift. Riker and Picard exchange high-fives.
Just then, Data says, “Captain! There is a ship heading right for us... It’s Mr. Worf’s ship!”
Riker says, “Worf?? Have you noticed that whenever Worf shows up, our boring lives suddenly reach movie-making potential?”
On Worf’s ship...
Worf’s pilot says, “Sir, the Enterprise is dead ahead.” Worf bellows, “Prepare for ramming speed!!” The pilot says, “Sir, you’re a little confused. We like the Enterprise.” Worf says, “Oh yes. You’re right. Sorry. Hail them!” Picard appears on the view screen and says, “Worf! What the hell are you doing here?” Worf replies, “I was at the Manzar—” Picard interrupts, “And I’m not falling for that Manzar Colony crap again!”
Worf says, “I was at the... Smith Colony...”
Picard says, “Whatever. Just tell me why you’re here.”
Worf replies, “In case you hadn’t heard, I have been put in charge of the Kathryn Janeway Alpha Quadrant Dream Tour. I’m bringing her brilliance to all corners of the Federation.” Picard gasps, “You’re telling me... Oh sweet Jesus... You mean the Captain Janeway is on your ship right now??” Worf says, “You bet your aft shields, she is. You will prepare for her arrival!” Picard replies, “Yes, of course! I’ll put the coffee on right now!”
Meanwhile... in Romulan space...
Lt. Saavik rushes into Sela’s office and says, “Admiral! I have just received word from our spies!” Sela says, “What word was it?” Saavik corrects herself, “Actually it was a lot of words. They have told me that Captain Janeway has boarded the Starship Enterprise.” Sela’s voice booms, “Excellent! Set a course to intercept the Enterprise!”
Saavik says, “Admiral... If I may... It would be extremely dangerous for us to cross the Neutral Zone. We’d be targeted by Starfleet immediately!” Sela replies, “First of all... You may not! Secondly, you are right. It’s far too risky. But perhaps there is a way to bring the Enterprise to us!” Saavik says, “Of course! I’ll transmit an invitation immediately.” Sela thumps Saavik on the head and says, “No... You dork! I have thought of something far more devious. Oh yes, my revenge will be just plain horrible!”
Saavik asks, “Do you mean Trekkies 2?”
Meanwhile.... Back on the Enterprise...
Riker, Picard, Geordi, Data and Dr. Crusher wait in the transporter room for Janeway’s arrival. They hold a banner which reads: “Welcome to this Film Captain Janeway: We Couldn’t Be Happier!”
Moments later, Worf and Captain Janeway beam aboard. Captain Picard gleefully rushes forward and shakes Janeway’s hand and says, “Captain, I am honored to have you on board the Enterprise!” Janeway replies, “No doubt.”
Picard then says, “Please let me show you and Mr. Worf to your quarters.” Janeway says, “Oh, don’t bother with Mr. Worf. He’s not staying.” Worf gasps, “I’m not?” Janeway replies, “You heard me. Now go back to your ship. Shoo! Shoo!” Worf whines, “But Captain, I haven’t seen any of my former shipmates in ages...” Janeway growls, “Unless you want today to be a good day to die, you’ll go back to your ship and quit cry-babying.”
Worf sobs as he is beamed back to his vessel. Picard shows Janeway around the ship. Suddenly, Mr. Data pages Captain Picard. Picard says, “Yes? It better be important!” Data replies, “It is! I’ve just received a very disturbing message through my positronic relay.” Picard says, “We’re on our way!” Janeway scoffs, “Positronic relay? Is that the best you people can do for technobabble?”
Picard and Janeway arrive on the bridge. Picard asks, “Okay, Data. What was so important about the message?” Data pauses dramatically and says, “The message informed us that we may have already won ten million dollars!”
Picard gasps, “Good gravy Marie! That’s a lot of dough! Any idea where the message originated from?” Data replies, “Yes. The message originated from a ship deep inside Romulan space.” Picard says, “We must find out what this message is all about! Set a course for Romulan space!”
Riker panics, “But Captain! If we cross the Romulan border, we’ll violate the treaty!” Picard replies, “Don’t get cross with me. We’ll cross the ‘crossing the border’ bridge when we get to it. So make it so already!!”
Janeway rolls her eyes...
Meanwhile... On Sela’s ship...
Saavik reports, “Admiral Sela. The Enterprise has changed course. They’re heading right for us.” Sela’s voice booms, “Excellent work, my dear!” Saavik replies, “That’s so cool the way you make your voice boom like that!”
Back on the Enterprise...
Picard calls Janeway into his ready room for a discussion. But first Janeway stops at the replicator and says, “Computer: Two cups of coffee... black.” Picard whines, “I don’t like coffee.” Janeway says, “Fine! Computer: One coffee... black and one Earl Grey Tea... black.” The computer replies, “Technically, I think that’s called Earl Black Tea...”
After they grab their beverages, Captain Picard asks Janeway, “So whatever happened to the USS Voyager?” Janeway replies, “It was the stupidest thing. We survived battle against the Hirogen, the Kazon, the Borg, Species 8472 and the Vidiians without a scratch. And yet the first big hail storm on Earth tears the ship apart... It’s really quite a bummer.”
Just then, Picard breaks into tears. Picard says, “Oh Janeway... I need your help. All this ‘Make it so’ business has taken its toll. I need you to take command on this vital mission. Please, Mistress Janeway...” Janeway replies, “Oh, stop whimpering, you sorry little man. Don’t worry, I’ll take command. But you better fix me a super big pot of coffee... I’ve got a ship to run!” (insert glorious claps of thunder)
Janeway arrives at the Enterprise bridge. Just then Data announces, “Captain Janeway, we are about to cross the Romulan border.” Janeway says, “Very well... Activate the cloaking device!” Data replies, “We don’t have a cloaking device.”
Janeway rolls her eyes, “Very well... Looks like I’ll need to bring a couple of my people on board. Lock on to Lt. Torres and Lt. Tuvok and beam them to the bridge.” Geordi then says, “But Captain... Aren’t they both on Earth? Earth is some 400 light years away!”
Janeway says, “Oh... Amateurs. Reconfigure the dilithium submatrix of the transporter recursion system and charge the emitters to an antipolaric parametric frequency. Then you will be able to get a lock on them.”
Geordi is in awe, “Incredible... Your technobabble is so much more advanced than ours ever was!”
Moments later, Torres and Tuvok are beamed to the Enterprise. Janeway says, “Good to see you both. Okay. Tuvok, I need you at the tactical station. B’Elanna, these people don’t even have a cloaking device. See if you can whip us up one real quick.”
B’Elanna replies, “Consider it done.”
Forty-seven minutes later... B’Elanna announces, “Okay Captain, the cloaking device is ready to go!” Janeway sighs, “B’Elanna, what took you so long?” B’Elanna replies, “Oh Captain, I wouldn’t have taken so long if Mr. ‘What are you doing now?’ LaForge wasn’t asking me so many questions!” Janeway says, “Okay. I understand now. Mr. Data... Activate the cloaking device and take us into Romulan space!”
Meanwhile... Back on Sela’s ship...
Saavik panics, “Admiral... We may have underestimated Janeway. She was able to install a cloaking device on the Enterprise. And now the ship is cloaked and has crossed our border and is heading right for us!” Sela says, “Well if the ship is cloaked, how do you know its still coming toward us?” Saavik replies, “I called that 1-900 number lady... Miss Cleo.” Sela says, “Don’t panic. If my guess is right, they won’t be able to fire upon us while they are cloaked.”
Saavik replies, “May all your guesses be right... And may all your Christmases be white...”
Back on the Enterprise...
Captain Janeway is enjoying her 47th cup of coffee when she gets the call that they are approaching the designated coordinates. Janeway rushes into the turbolift and runs right smack dab into Mr. Riker.
Riker, who is now cleanly shaven, brushes his face and says, “Smooth as a Captain’s bottom, eh Janeway?” Janeway replies, “You’ll never know, Riker...”
At that moment, the two arrive on the bridge and Janeway shrieks, “Report!!!” Data answers, “We’ve arrived at the coordinates and see some kind of ship.” Tuvok continues, “And it’s something quite peculiar. Something shimmering and white.”
Janeway says, “It’s led us here, despite our destination... Under the Milky Way tonight...” (Okay, only about 1% of our readers will get that joke, but I think it’s a riot!) Janeway then says, “Disengage the cloaking device!”
On Sela’s ship... Saavik announces, “Admiral... The Enterprise is decloaking!”
Sela replies, “Prepare to fire!”
On the Enterprise... Janeway turns to Tuvok and says, “Fire at Will!” Tuvok pulls out his phaser and shoots Mr. Riker... Killing him instantly!
Janeway says, “I meant the Romulan ship, Tuvok. But don’t worry... These things happen.” During the distraction, Sela’s ship is able to fire on the Enterprise. Tuvok screams, “Shields at 47%!” Janeway says, “Deploy the armor!” Data replies, “We don’t have any armor.” Janeway then says, “Damn!!” Tuvok interrupts, “Captain... The Romulan ship is hailing us. They wish to discuss the terms of our surrender.”
Janeway says, “Well that’s pretty arrogant, isn’t it?? Put them on screen.”
Sela appears on the screen and says, “We meet again, Captain Janeway.” Janeway says, “We’ve never met!” Sela growls, “But it’s so much more dramatic to say we meet again.”
Janeway says, “Whatever. So what do you want, lady?” Sela answers, “It’s very simple, Janeway. I want you!” Janeway says, “It’s a curse... My beauty is a curse.” Sela corrects herself, “I mean... I want you dead!” Janeway says, “Oh... Well, no way!” Sela says, “Then I have no choice, I must destroy your ship!”
Janeway says, “I wouldn’t if I were you, lady. You see, we have some magical goop called corbomite. When we activate it, it will reverse any weapons fired upon us... And end up destroying you!” Sela scoffs, “Oh I’ve seen this episode, Janeway. There is no such thing as corbomite. You have one minute to surrender or I will destroy you.”
With that, the transmission ends. Picard panics, “Captain, Sela is right. There is no such thing as corbomite!”
Janeway says, “Oh Picard, you underestimate me once again. Bridge to Torres, invent some corbomite... immediately!” Torres replies, “I’m on it, Captain.”
One minute later...
Sela hails the Enterprise again, “Well Janeway, have you come to your senses and decide to surrender?” Janeway says, “No dice, Sela! I guess you have no choice but to destroy us... Hee-hee-hee!” Sela’s voice booms, “Lt. Saavik... Fire torpedoes!”
The Romulan warbird fires a full spread of torpedoes on the Enterprise... Just then, Torres activates the magical corbomite. The torpedoes reverse course and strike Sela’s warbird... Destroying it!
Janeway gloats, “Good job, everybody! It looks like our work here is done!” Data whines, “No fair! I was supposed to die in this film. Where’s my agent??” With that, Data stands up and starts walking away. Unfortunately, he ends up tripping over his untied shoelace and breaks his neck. Data’s last words are, “What is this, sarcasm? I was hoping for something a little more dramatic...”
Janeway then says, “Well... That’s that.”
Picard says, “Thank God you were included in this film... You saved the ship!” Janeway says, “Not only that, but I saved the Federation!” Picard says, “How so?” Janeway says, “If you know what’s good for you, your log will say I saved the Federation.” Picard says, “Understood.”
With that, Janeway sits in the Captain’s chair and says, “Set a course... For home!” Picard says, “Ummmmm... Data’s dead. We have no navigator.” Janeway screams, “Well then take his station! Pedantic drone! Do I have to think of everything!?” Picard says, “Yes ma’am.”
Janeway replies, “It’s not crunch time, Picard. I’ll let you know when...”