The Voyager Coronary: The Slow-Motion Picture, Part IV
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published August 29, 2000
Time to put everybody out of their misery... Welcome to the conclusion of this travesty...
(Insert voice of Forrest Gump... Ed McMahon called-in sick. Last time on this here movie, Chakotay and the duplicate Voyager crew had become like peas and carrots. They’ve decided to team up with the Borg to destroy some nebula cloud something. In exchange, Chakotay will help the Borg destroy the Klingons... And that’s all I have to say about that....... Meanwhile, the real Voyager has gone to the heart of the nebula. I don’t know if that’s a good idea. My mama always said nebulas are like a box of chocolates... You never know what you’re gonna get. But that mean old Nebula-Worf has boarded Voyager. I hope he doesn’t shoot them in the but-tox. But I think it’s time we started the last chapter...)
In the heart of Borg space...
Queen Lucy says to Chakotay, “Alright, Chuckles. I will help you people destroy this Tota Nebula of yours. But you will help me assimilate the Klingons... And then I will help destroy that Nebula!”
Chakotay says, “Hmmmm... I don’t know if you can be trusted. Do you solemnly swear that you will keep up your part of the bargain? So help you God?”
Queen Lucy replies, “You have my word. I will keep our part of the bargain or my name isn’t Weezy Jefferson...”
The ever-brain-dead Chakotay says, “Wow. That sounds like a promise to me... Set a course for the Klingon homeworld!!”
Meanwhile... in that mysterious, English-speaking cloud called the Tota Nebula...
Mr. Kim says, “Captain! I’ve just done a sensor sweep!”
Mr. Neelix says, “Really? I haven’t been able to find the sensor broom for several weeks.... Ba dum Bum!! Get it??? Sensor sweep?? A HA HA HA HA HA HA!”
Janeway (still in psychopathic “Equinox”/“Year of Hell” mode) proceeds to pull out a revolver and shoots Mr. Neelix a number of times. She turns to Harry and says, “Well dammit, Mr. Kim! Spill it! What did the sensor sweep reveal??”
Mr. Kim responds, “The Nebula has entered Earth’s solar system. It’s currently passing by Saturn and Mercury (The cars... not the planets) and will be entering Earth’s orbit in 47 minutes!”
Tuvok surmises, “Logic would suggest we have less than an hour to accomplish our mission.”
Janeway spins around and glares at Tuvok and says, “No... really? ...You pedantic drone! I’m getting ready to use this revolver and shoot those pointy ears right off your head... How’d you get those dumb-ass pointy ears in the first place?”
Tuvok pauses, “Perhaps the unfortunate accident I had as a child...”
Janeway returns to Nebula-Worf and says, “Look here, Buddy! We have 47 minutes to talk to your master. We must persuade him that he shouldn’t destroy the Earth. Now you are going to help me, or else I’m going to take a frying pan and smash every last one of those stupid ridges back inside your forehead!”
Mr. Paris clicks his commbadge and says, “Bridge to Sickbay... Medical emergency! Please report to the Bridge with all the Midol you can muster!!”
Janeway continues, “So what’s it going to be, Nebula-Worf? You going to help us?”
Nebula-Worf sighs and says, “How can I say no to such a sweet talker? I will take you to my master.”
Janeway says, “Good! Seven of Nine and Mr. Neelix, please accompany me to the transporter room.”
Seven asks, “Me??? But why??”
Janeway explains, “You are my insurance... Just in case the Nebula has a big boob fetish. And Mr. Neelix, you are coming along just in case the nebula asks us to brutally sacrifice one of our own crewmembers...”
Meanwhile... In Klingon space...
The duplicate Voyager approaches the Klingon homeworld. Chakotay turns to Queen Lucy and says, “There you go... The Klingon homeworld... Assimilate away!”
Suddenly the duplicate Voyager is rocked by phaser fire. Chakotay screams, “Report!!”
Dupe-Tuvok says, “You need to work on your temper, Chakotay. But it seems like a cloaked ship has fired on us!”
Chakotay says, “A Bird-of-Prey?? Cloaked?? A Bird-of-Prey canna fire when she’s cloaked! Especially between the hours of 8 to 5 pm. It’s against the Khitomer Accords!”
Queen Lucy says, “Remind me to lodge a protest...”
Then a mysterious voice says, “I can see you... Can you see me? You do prefer it this way.... Warrior to warrior!”
Dupe-Janeway gasps, “Oh my!! That voice!! Do you know who that is??”
Chakotay says, “God? An evil spirit? The color announcer for the New York Mets?”
Dupe-Janeway says, “No you duplicate pedantic drone... It’s Chang!”
Chakotay says, “Whoa! As in Star Trek VI Chang? I don’t believe it... The real Chang always quoted Shakespeare like some sort of show-off know-it-all. I bet this imposter has no idea who Shakespeare is”
Chang replies, “Oh I can prove it... ahem... ‘To be... Or not to be...’”
Chakotay gasps, “My God!! It is Chang!”
Chang then says, “Your presence here is an act of war!”
Chakotay says, “Look, I can explain...”
Chang interrupts, “You have given me no choice but to destroy you! Who sent you here? Did the Federation declare war on us?? Did Chancellor Gorkon rise from the dead and give you some ill-fated advice? Do your plans include destroying my ship? Are you going to beam tribbles to my ship?? Don’t wait for the translation... Answer me now!!”
Chakotay says, “Wait! Calm down a minute! I’m still writing down the ‘who sent you’ question...”
Chang then says, “Too little, too late! You are finished!” With that, Chang starts firing phasers galore!
Dupe-Uhura briefly arrives on the Dupe-Voyager Bridge and says, “Well the thing’s got to have a tail pipe... Or a muffler... Or a V8 Engine or something!”
Chakotay says, “What are you doing here?”
Dupe-Uhura says, “My presence was required. You see, Trek is slowly dying and my mere brief appearance will breathe new life into this franchise!”
Suddenly KABOOM... (don’t you love these big time special effects?) more weapons hit Dupe-Voyager. Dupe-Tuvok says, “Captain! The warp core will explode in exactly eight seconds.... All the escape pods have been destroyed... Except for one!”
Chakotay shouts, “I got dibs!” He quickly boards the escape pod... And then escapes in the pod (hence the name, escape pod). Moments later, duplicate Voyager is utterly destroyed! Chakotay wonders what he shall do next...
Meanwhile... Back in the nebula...
Janeway, Seven, Neelix and Nebula-Worf slowly make their way to the center of the nebula and find a very clunky piece of equipment. Nebula-Worf points to it and says, “There! You see! That’s Tota!”
Janeway walks to equipment and begins to see a name that is partially distorted... She reads what it says:
T O _ _ T A
Neelix says, “Aha! That’s how they got the name... Tota! But it’s incomplete!”
Janeway says, “I know... Two letters are missing. Wait! I used to love this game show!!”
Seven says, “Agreed. Wheel of Fortune... Game Show 3547. Assimilated by the Borg several centuries ago.”
Nebula-Worf says, “Right you are! And I’m sure you’ll recognize our host... Come on down!” At that moment a Borg drone, that bears a striking resemblance to Bob Barker, appears in front of Janeway and the others.
Borg-Barker says, “Welcome to our show. Seven of Nine, you can go first. Would you like to buy a vowel?”
Seven replies, “Vowels are irrelevant.”
Borg-Barker says, “Oh, I’m sorry you feel that way. But don’t worry, we have some lovely parting gifts backstage... Thanks for being with us...”
Janeway quickly hits her buzzer and says, “I know the answer!! Tota... It really means... Toyota!!”
Borg-Barker says, “Right you are! I would give you cash, but that doesn’t exist in the 24th century. Instead, we do have a Maytag refrigerator. Well, I guess I’m no longer needed here anymore. This is Borg-Barker reminding you to have your drone spayed or neutured.” With that, Borg-Barker vanishes.
Neelix asks Janeway, “Okay... So this thing is a Toyota pickup?? ...What’s a Toyota??”
Seven explains, “A barbaric transportation device... Known for its frequent malfunctions and a multitude of vehicular homicides. One of humanity’s greatest embarassments.”
Janeway slaps Seven, “Good work, Seven! Now the Toyota Company will never be a sponsor of The Voyager Coronary!!”
Nebula-Worf then says, “You see, Captain. The Toyota here has been trying to call its creator, but has been unsuccessful.”
Janeway says, “Okay, this may be a dumb question, but what the hell is a Toyota doing on the opposite side of the galaxy???”
Seven chimes in, “The Borg have held several auto shows throughout the years. It’s possible they created a temporal vortex to retrieve this automobile.”
Nebula-Worf then says, “So Captain... Can you help us? Can you help Toyota call its creator?”
Janeway looks at the equipment and says, “Well, here is your problem! You’re trying to call Earth, right?”
Nebula-Worf nods his head.
Janeway continues, “Well, you idiot! You have to dial ‘9’ first in order to get an outside line... And then you can proceed with your call.”
Nebula-Worf says, “Oh, thank you, Janeway! Thank you!” At that moment, Voyager is thrown clear of the nebula. The nebula then explodes and begins to change its shape. A few minutes later, a brand new planet is born!
Janeway scratches her head and says, “Okay. Explain this to me. How can a nebula instantly turn into a planet?”
Tuvok shurgs his shoulders and says, “Ummmm... Magic?”
Suddenly Mr. Kim says, “Captain! There is an escape pod heading right for us... It’s Commander Chakotay!”
Janeway says, “Damn! I haven’t been able to get a divorce from him yet. Very well... Beam Chakotay aboard.”
So Chakotay is beamed aboard. He rushes over Janeway and says, “Oh Kathryn. How I’ve missed you. I’ve missed the warmth of your touch. I’ve missed the way you talk like a man with a smoking problem. I’ve missed the way you kick me between my legs and scream for me to get off you. I thought about getting revenge... But now I just want to show you unbridled passion...”
Suddenly, Chakotay trips over his shoelace... He falls to the floor and bangs his head against a console. He starts bleeding profusely. Chakotay whines, “I don’t understand!!”
A mysterious voice (sounding a lot like Rick Berman) booms, “You wanted to be killed off, Chakotay!”
Chakotay says, “I was hoping for something a little more heroic... A little more dramatic!”
The voice responds, “That should teach you to shoot your mouth off at conventions!”
And with that... Chakotay dies...
“Captain’s Log: Supplemental. Chakotay is dead. Bummer, no doubt. We’ve buried him on the newly created Toyota Planet. And if Toyota really does mean life from death... I must return to this place again...”
Tuvok interrupts, “Captain, Toyota does not mean life from death.”
Janeway continues, “Oh... Well, nice knowing you, Chuckles.”
A few hours later, Voyager returns home... Janeway is forced to go into therapy to eliminate her volatile temper.
Meanwhile... on the Toyota Planet...
A loud, whiny voice from inside a big pine-box on the surface of the planet begins to shriek, “But I’m alive.... Alive.... Alive...”
(Insert loud claps of Japanese thunder!)