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The Voyager Coronary II: The Wrath of Chakotay, Part II

Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

Published October 30, 2000

When we last saw our heroic heroes, they had fended off an attack from the evil Chakotay who had taken control of the USS Repellent...

“Captain’s Log: Cabin. We have resumed a course toward home. Wait a minute. I take that back. We have set a course toward the Toyota Homeworld. No, that doesn’t sound right either. Oh well, I know we’re going somewhere. I’m sure I’ll find out eventually.”

Janeway turns to Paris and says, “How long until we reach... uh, our destination?”

Paris replies, “47 minutes.”

Janeway groans, “Is that stupid clock even working? Why is it always 47 minutes?”

Paris answers, “I dunno. But we’ll be getting to the Toyota Homeworld in 47 minutes.”

“Captain’s Log: Supplemental. I stand corrected. It is the Toyota Homeworld.”

Tuvok asks, “Captain, do you really think the missing crew of the Repellent is on the Toyota Homeworld?”

Janeway says, “I sure hope so. But maybe we should call ahead and find out...”

Janeway dials the number and a voice answers, “Hello?”

Janeway says, “Yeah, hi. I’m wondering, is this the Toyota Homeworld?”

The voice bellows, “This is Ceti Alpha Five!!

Janeway says, “Sorry Khan, I must have the wrong number.”

Meanwhile... on the USS Repellent...

Seska announces, “Commander! I’m pleased to report that impulse power has been restored. However, our warp engines are still not working.”

Chakotay replies, “Ha!! More than a match for poor Voyager!”

Seska says, “Huh? What are you talking about? Voyager has restored their warp drive!”

Chakotay says, “I know... But they don’t have impulse engines...”

Seska replies, “Whoopdie-friggin-do!”

Chakotay says, “Locutus, set a course for the Toyota Homeworld!”

Locutus asks, “Why are you taking us back to that planet?”

Chakotay gloats, “Because I know Captain Janeway. She will go looking for the crew of the Repellent on that planet.”

Locutus says, “So what? She won’t find them. We chopped them up into hundreds of millions of pieces!”

Chakotay says, “I know.... You gotta love those Ginzu knives! Anyways, once Voyager gets to the Toyota Homeworld, she will fall into our deadly trap!” (insert foreshadowing music)

Chakotay then says, “So do as I say! Set a course for the Toyota Homeworld... warp nine!!”

Seska growls, “Do you even listen to me, Chuckles?? I just got done telling you our warp engines are off-line!”

Chakotay rolls his eyes and sighs and says, “Why do I have to do everything around here?” Chakotay gets up from his chair walks over to a console and presses a big red button labelled ‘Reset Button.’

Chakotay then says, “There! All of our damage should be repaired now!”

Meanwhile... Back on Voyager...

The ship enters orbit of the Toyota Homeworld. Mr. Kim runs some scans and announces, “I can’t seem to find the Repellent crew.”

Janeway replies, “Don’t get too upset about it, Ensign. Because I don’t have the slightest clue where the Equinox crew is.”

Kim then says, “But I am receiving strange readings from a cave some 200 miles below the surface.”

Janeway says, “Well, that’s where we’ll go. Tell the transporter room to beam us directly to those coordinates.”

Kim says, “I don’t know... It’s very dangerous. You could rematerialize inside a giant rock formation!”

Janeway says, “Oh please! Now, I’m taking Icheb and Lt. Torres with me. And just to be on the safe side, I’m bringing along one unnamed crewman. Just in case we need to sacrifice somebody.”

Tuvok asks, “Does this mean I have the conn?”

Janeway employs her most sarcastic tone and says, “No, Tuvok. Just turn off everything on the ship until I get back... Pedantic drone...”

A short time later... 200 miles below ground...

The away team rematerializes in the underground cavern. Except for the unnamed crewman, who materializes inside solid rock. Janeway says, “I’m impressed! After all these years of pointless worrying... We finally beamed somebody inside solid rock!”

Meanwhile... The USS Repellent arrives in orbit of the Toyota Homeworld...

Seska announces, “Chakotay! I’ve detected Voyager in orbit of the planet. They have cut all of their power. Undoubtedly trying to hide from our sensors!”

Locutus replies, “Not necessarily. The Borg Collective made a similiar mistake once. You see, the Accounting Unimatrix paid no attention to the ‘final notice’ on the electric bill. They thought the power company was just tired of asking for payment. And so they cut off power... To the whole Collective. The Queen was so mad and she...”

Chakotay interrupts, “Locutus, stifle it!”

Locutus cries...

Meanwhile... on the Toyota Homeworld...

Janeway says, “Well, this is pointless. I can’t find the crew of the Repellent anywhere. Let’s get back to Voyager.”

Janeway hails Voyager and says, “Okay, Tuvok. You can beam us back now.”

Tuvok laughs nervously and says, “Um.... Captain, we can’t beam you back. We turned off all the power like you suggested.”

Janeway screams, “That was sarcasm, you crack-head! How long until you can bring back the power?”

Tuvok says, “Well... If we go by the book, like Lt. Saavik.. Hours would seem like days. Not only that, but tablespoons would seem like teaspoons. Miles would seem like kilometers. Pot roast would seem like meatloaf. Tadpoles would seem like...”

Janeway interrupts, “Point made, Tuvok!! Answer my question! How long until you can beam us back?”

Tuvok replies, “Two days. By the book, Captain. Wink, wink...”

Torres says, “Okay, now what?”

Icheb says, “Well, we can play Bridge...”

Torres says, “No, we only have three people.”

Icheb says, “Well, we can have a three-way...”

Janeway says, “Hmmmm... No, we’d better not.”

Icheb then asks, “Captain, I’m troubled by the Kobayashi Maru. May I ask how you dealt with the test?”

Janeway says, “It was simple. I armed the phaser banks and photon torpedoes and destroyed the Kobayashi Maru.”

Icheb says, “Ingenious!!”

Janeway beams, “I know! I got three weeks’ suspension, but it was a lot of fun!”

Back on the Repellent...

Seska says, “You heard Janeway! Voyager will be powerless for two days. Let’s destroy them... now!!

Chakotay says, “Why the big rush? We haven’t had our lunch yet...”

Locutus says, “But Commander! We shouldn’t waste any time! We should destroy them now while we have the chance!”

Chakotay replies, “I dunno. I was going to fix us all grilled cheese sandwiches.”

Locutus and Seska reply, “Voyager can wait!”

Back on the planet...

Torres says, “Captain! I’m receiving very strange readings from inside this cargo container!”

Janeway says, “Very well. Break the glass and open it up!”

Icheb asks, “Why don’t we just push the ‘open’ button?”

Janeway replies, “Now that wouldn’t be very dramatic, would it? Smash the damn glass!”

So Icheb smashes the glass and opens the cargo container. And inside are an unconscious Neelix and Captain Pike!

Icheb says, “Captain! It’s Neelix and Captain Pike!”

Janeway says, “Oh, screw them. Close it back up again!”

Icheb says, “With pleasure!”

Janeway then hails Voyager again and says, “Okay Tuvok. It’s been two hours, are you ready?”

Torres says, “Huh? Two hours? It’s only been about three minutes!”

Janeway glares at Torres and says, “You don’t have a clue about how a temporal paradox works, do you?? Tuvok... Beam us back!”

Back on the Repellent...

Annorax pages Chakotay and the others and says, “Commander! Voyager is powering up!”

Seska, Locutus and Chakotay race to the bridge. Seska growls, “Are you happy now?!! Voyager is escaping!”

Chakotay replies, “I know. But you have to admit, those were some kick-ass grilled cheese sandwiches...”

Janeway arrives on Voyager’s bridge...

Janeway yells, “Report!!

Mr. Kim says, “They can still outrun us and outgun us!”

Janeway says, “How??”

Kim replies, “They have the Mark III Reset Button. Ours is only the Mark One.”

Tuvok says, “But there is the Marinara Nebula off the port bow.”

Janeway asks, “Where the hell did that come from?”

Tuvok answers, “We had it shipped in for tactical reasons.”

Janeway says, “Very well! Set a course for the nebula!”

Paris says, “One minute until penetration.”

Janeway does her Beavis & Butthead routine again, “Heh heh... He said ‘penetration’... Heh heh...”

On the Repellent...

Locutus says, “I am reducing speed. We can’t follow them into the nebula.”

Janeway gets on the intercom and says, “What’s the matter, Chakotay? Are you chicken? Clucky-clucky kind of thing? I’m laughing at the superior intellect. ...Oh wait, I forgot it’s you, Chakotay. I am laughing at the inferior pea-brain!”

Chakotay growls, “Full power, damn you!!”

Voyager enters the Nebula... And all of the lights go out. Janeway says, “Engage the emergency lights!!”

Tuvok says, “Captain. We were already using the emergency lights!”

Janeway says, “Hmmmm..., Then engage the regular lights!!”

On the Repellent...

Seska says, “Chakotay... They’ve engaged their regular lights!!”

Chakotay says, “Oh, that woman is clever! Break out the torpedoes!”

Locutus whines, “But we can’t see Voyager to fire these torpedoes!”

Chakotay rolls his eyes and says, “Do I have to come up with all the technobabble? Jeez! Set the torpedo frequency to an inverted polaric inversion of the inversion propulsion matrix on the inversion deflector grid!”

Seska gasps, “Four inversion things?? What does that mean anyways?”

Chakotay says, “I don’t know. But I think it will work...”

The Repellent fires on Voyager. Janeway shouts, “Report!

Tuvok says, “They’ve taken out our engines!”

Janeway says, “Those slimy tricksters! Set our torpedoes to the frequency of Chakotay’s tattoo and fire!”

Voyager fires on the Repellent. Chakotay whispers, “Report?”

Locutus says, “They’ve taken out... Everything! Absolutely everything has been damaged... Except for the self-destruct.”

Chakotay says, “Convenient! Computer... Begin the self-destruct countdown. Set it for three minutes! And launch all of our escape pods!”

The computer replies, “This ship will self-destruct in three minutes. Launching all escape pods.”

Seska says, “Um... Commander? Don’t you think we should have boarded the escape pods before we launched them?”

Chakotay says, “Darn it, you’re right! You see, this is why Janeway didn’t like me running the ship too often...”

Locutus says, “Wait. We do have a shuttlecraft left. We can escape!”

Chakotay’s voice booms, “Excellent! And since Voyager’s engines are down, they will never escape the blast. Victory will be mine!! Mwaaa ha ha ha ha!”

Chakotay and his band of thugs board the shuttlecraft and escape...

Meanwhile... on Voyager...

Janeway shouts, “Report!!

Tuvok says, “They have initiated their self-destruct sequence. With our engines down, we will never escape the blast. Victory will be Chakotay’s!! Mwaaa ha ha ha ha!”

Janeway gets on the communicator and says, “Torres! We need warp speed in two minutes or we’re all dead!”

Torres replies, “Hey, don’t look at me. My shift doesn’t start for another 20 minutes!”

Janeway growls, “Torres!!”

Torres sighs heavily and says, “Oh, fine! I’m so glad I have to do everything around here. I’ll see what I can do...”

Tuvok ponders the situation for a moment. He then rushes out of the Bridge heading towards the transporter room. He passes by The Doctor in the hall. Tuvok gives the Doctor a Vulcan mind meld and says, “Remember....”

Just as he Tuvok reaches the transporter room, he runs into Seven. Tuvok gives Seven a Vulcan mind meld and says, “Remember... Brush after every meal...”

He gets to the transporter room and beams himself aboard the Repellent. He begins trying to deactivate the self-destruct sequnce. The computer taunts him, “Time’s running out, Tuvok! One minute left. Tick... Tock... Tick... Tock. Dumb idea, Tuvok. You’ll never make it in time...”

Meanwhile... in Engineering... Torres manages to build a brand new warp core... In just 90 seconds flat. It’s a new Olympic record! She then pages Janeway and says, “There, your highness. I fixed the bloody engines...”

Janeway says, “Bless you, Torres... Get us out of here, Paris!”

Paris engages the warp speed. Torres sneezes. Janeway says, “Bless you, Torres...”

At that moment, the Repellent explodes. Mr. Kim says, “Captain! Mr. Tuvok was caught in the explosion!”

Janeway says, “Holy buckets! Beam him back... now!”

Janeway rushes to Sickbay. The Doctor looks pitiful. Janeway sees a motionless Tuvok on the bed. Janeway says, “Doctor... Is he...”

The Doctor replies, “Yes... He is Mr. Tuvok.”

Janeway says, “No!! I mean... Is he dead?”

The Doctor responds, “Sure looks that way...”

Two days later...

Janeway shouts, “Report!!!

Mr. Kim says, “We’re having Tuvok’s funeral right now.”

Janeway says, “Oh, yeah. We are here to pay final respects to our dead, dead friend, Tuvok. But it should be noted that his life insurance policy names me as the beneficiary. He has not died in vain. And now, we pay our last respects to our honored comrade. And what can be more respectful than sticking him inside a photon torpedo and launching him a couple hundred miles inside a planet?”

So Voyager fires the torpedo and sends Tuvok’s body deep inside the Toyota Homeworld. Janeway makes one final speech, “He’s not really dead. As long as I have that inheritence. As for the crew of the Repellent, they really are dead. But you can’t have your cake and eat it, too...”

A single tear runs down Seven’s face and says, “I miss him already...”

Kim says, “Well, not me. He constantly abused me and humiliated me. I spit on his grave. I dance on his grave!”

Paris turns to Kim and says, “Bitter much! You’re just upset that he never fell in love with a Hologram, a Borg, the wrong twin, the dearly departed, a transvestite or a prostitute.”

Janeway turns to the Doctor and says, “Doctor... You did check his pulse before you pronounced him dead, right?”

The Doctor pauses and says, “Um. Yeah... pretty sure...”

Meanwhile... Miles beneath the Toyota Homeworld...

A voice from inside Tuvok’s torpedo/coffin says, “Um. Hello? You people never heard of a coma? I’m not dead!”

Captain Pike and Neelix escape from their cargo container. They pop open Tuvok’s casket. Neelix says, “Well, it’s just the three of us... Hundreds of miles below ground. Buried alive... Buried alive... Buried alive... Buried alive...”

Tuvok frowns and replies, “Indeed.”

Neelix says, “Oh don’t you fret, Mr. Vulcan. I’ve appointed myself Morale Officer of the Buried Alive. Now, let’s see you smile, Tuvok. Come on, Tuvie-Woovie...”

Tuvok begins screaming... He does not stop for a very long time...

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.