Janeway’s Therapy, Chapter 1: “Jetrel’s Learning Curve”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published September 3, 2000
The Voyager Coronary is filmed before a live studio audience.
Our story begins as Captain Janeway enters the office of Sigmund of Freud. Janeway rushes in and says, “Dr. Freud, I am so sorry I’m late. I couldn’t find a parking spot.”
Dr. Freud replies, “And how does that make you feel, Captain?”
Janeway replies, “Well to tell you the truth... That really burns my ass!”
Freud says, “Hmmmm... Perhaps you should disrobe and show me exactly where the burns are...”
Freud pauses and then corrects himself, “Never mind, dear. We should get started on the therapy. Now lay back on the couch. And clear your mind... Clear your mind of any thoughts...”
Janeway says, “Hey, no problem. My mind is usually blank anyway...”
Freud says, “Good... Now think back to a time. In Voyager’s first season. Try to remember something that profoundly changed you...”
And Janeway begins her flashback...
It was a time when Janeway was noticing that several crew members were having difficulty fitting in. Janeway suggests that Tuvok start a basic training class for these four wayward Maquis crewmembers: Dolby, Chell, Henley, and Gerron.
These four troublemakers do not like the idea of having to be taught by Tuvok. Mr. Dolby takes Chakotay aside and says, “Commander, you’ve always been a personal hero of mine. Your wisdom is legendary. Do you really think we need to be in Tuvok’s basic training?”
Chakotay punches Dolby in the mouth and says, “Why yes. I think you do!”
Meanwhile... On Voyager’s Bridge...
Janeway summons Neelix to the Bridge. Neelix arrives and says, “You summoned me, Captain?”
Janeway replies, “No doubt. There is somebody on the view screen who wishes to speak to you.”
Neelix looks at the view screen and says, “My God.... It’s him!!!”
Janeway says, “Care to be a little more specific?”
Neelix answers, “That’s the evil Dr. Jetrel!! He destroyed my home on the moon Rinax. —I hope I’m spelling Rinax right.— Anyways, Jetrel concieved the doomsday weapon!”
Janeway asks, “He thought up a doomsday weapon?”
Neelix says, “Not only that! He led the team that built the weapon, led the armada that deployed the weapon... And then he laughed about it.... And then wrote a book about it... Which was turned into a TV movie...”
Janeway interrupts, “Okay, shut up for a second. What kind of weapon was it?”
Neelix replies, “It was called the Jetrel 2000-Series Mass Talaxian Massacre Device. Melodic name, isn’t it?”
Jetrel interrupts, “Mr. Neelix, you must let me board your ship and talk to you. Your life may depend on it!”
Neelix says, “Ha! I don’t believe you for a second!”
Jetrel then says, “Okay. Well, please let me board your ship. I owe you a couple hundred dollars and I’d like to pay you back.”
Neelix says, “Very well! You may beam aboard Voyager!”
Janweay says, “Hey! I don’t remember giving you a promotion today!”
Neelix answers, “Well, I don’t remember giving you permission to put your hair in a bun... But life goes on.” And with that, Voyager prepares for Jetrel’s arrival.
Meanwhile... in Basic Training...
The four Maquis have just spent the last 5 hours running all over the ship. They are all completely exhausted. Henley says, “Good Grief! That was the most difficult run I’ve ever been on in my entire life!”
Tuvok explains, “I’m not suprised. I increased the gravity on this deck by 200%. I also covered the floor with super glue so that you’d keep getting stuck to the floor. I also arranged for all the oxygen to be sucked out of this deck...”
The Maquis glare at Tuvok. Tuvok continues, “By the way, Mr. Chell. I noticed that you stopped running for exactly 47 seconds!”
Dolby screams, “He was having a heart attack!”
Tuvok says, “A lame-brain excuse. I gave him CPR, didn’t I?”
Dolby shouts, “That’s it. I’ve had it! We are done with this torture! We’re out of here!” The Maquis storm out of Basic Training. Tuvok sits down and starts crying like a baby.
Meanwhile... In Sickbay...
Jetrel sits Neelix down and says, “I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’ve contracted Jetrel Disease. I named it after myself because I created it!” Jetrel smiles proudly.
Neelix says, “You bozo! That is so uncool!”
Jetrel responds, “I know. But I believe I can cure the disease if you let me examine you.”
Neelix says, “No way in Hell! I’d rather be subjected to the worst torture imaginable rather than be examined by you!!”
The Doctor says, “Are you sure? Because I can have Chakotay come down and tell you a couple million parables...”
Neelix says, “Fine! Anything but that. Scan away, Jetrel...”
Suddenly, Kes waltzes into the Sickbay...
The Doctor is flabbergasted, “Kes!! What are you doing here? Where’s Seven!”
Kes growls, “Look at the calendar, you dummy!”
The Doctor says, “Ooooooh... you’re right! We’re still in the first season. Let me ask you something, Kes. Have you ever thought about life insurance? They have a double indemnity clause if you leave and go into a higher realm of existence. I would be more than happy to be your beneficiary...”
“Tuvok’s Log: Supplemental. I’ve decided to try to bond with my cadets. So I’ve asked Mr. Dolby to join me in the Holodeck for a game of pool.”
Tuvok tries small talk at first, “So Dolby... What do you think of this Delta Quadrant weather, huh? That humidity is just too much sometimes. What do you think?”
Dolby replies, “Shut up and die.” (The studio gasps, “oooooh!")
Tuvok looks sad, “Look, Dolby. I’m just trying to get to know you better. What made you join the Maquis in the first place?”
Dolby explains, “Well, I met a beautiful shapely woman. Beautiful blue eyes, soft blonde hair. Full, plump bosom. And the sweetest-looking butt I’ve ever seen on a woman. We got married and settled in a Bajoran colony. Then the Cardassians came. They kidnapped my wife and bashed her skull a few dozen times. Not only that, the Cardassians then took her to football practice and used her as a tackling dummy! Once that was done, they took her to a Cardassian high school and the Drivers’ Ed department used her as a speed bump! They then decided to use her for archery practice! So I decided to join the Maquis in order to slaughter as many of those Cardassian bastards as I possibly could...”
Tuvok says, “Wow. Bummer. So... What do you think of the Mets this year?”
The small talk comes to a halt when a power drain begins effecting the ship. Lt. Torres traces the source of the power drain to the Mess Hall. She races in and sees Tom Paris standing in the Mess Hall, eating a big slice of cheese!
Torres says, “Why are you eating that cheese??”
Paris replies, “I like it! But I must admit it’s an awfully big slice of cheese. Perhaps I should grab a knife and cut the cheese...”
Torres rushes up to Paris and says, “No!!! And what’s with that God-awful cologne you’re wearing?”
Paris responds, “Oh, you like? It’s called Delta Stud! And it will help me bag every woman in this quadrant!”
Torres growls, “No, I don’t like it! And I think you are a total sleaze! You must wash off that cologne at once... you sleaze!”
Paris smiles and says, “I don’t think so, honey. Now you just leave me alone... Mrs. Turtle-Head.” (The studio audience begins laughing.)
Torres snaps and pulls out a phaser and shoots Tom unconscious. She then regrets what she’s just done and screams, “Get the sleaze with the cheese to Sickbay!”
Moments later, Tom is brought to Sickbay where Neelix, Jetrel, and The Doctor are waiting. The Doctor shrieks, “P.U.!! What is that God-awful smell?? We must purge him of that cologne at once!”
The vapors make Dr. Jetrel dizzy. But he continues to examine Neelix and he says, “My God! Neelix, you are completely cured! It must have been that God-awful cologne... It saved your life!”
Suddenly, Jetrel is overcome by the fumes and collapses to the floor. Neelix rushes next to him. Jetrel says, “It’s too late. I’m going to die...”
Neelix plays the hero, “Well Jetrel, I think I owe you this... I forgive you!”
(The studio audience says, “Aaaaaaw...” in unison...)
Jetrel then says, “Neelix, come closer. I need to tell you something...”
Neelix gets right next to Jetrel and says, “Okay Jetrel, what do you need to tell me?”
Jetrel responds, “You’re fat!”
With that, Jetrel dies. Neelix says, “Oh, Jetrel.” And a single tear runs down his cheek.
Hours later, back in Basic Training...
The four Maquis arrive to training with a dozen red roses and a big ballon that says, “We Wuv You!”
Tuvok asks, “I don’t understand.”
Dolby explains, “We’ve decided that we can follow Starfleet rules and regulations. We want to finish your class and be the best damn officers ever!”
Tuvok then asks, “What brought about this sudden decision?”
Dolby replies, “Well, this episode is almost over and I have a very sick feeling that we are never going to be heard from again. So we wanted to provide some closure...”
Tuvok says, “Oh you guys. I think I’m going to cry. Come here, everybody... Group hug!” ("Awwwwwww....")
And thus concludes Janeway’s first therapy session...