Janeway's Therapy, Chapter 4: “Moron Maneuvers”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published September 9, 2000
The brilliant Borg psychiatrist, Sigmund of Freud, awaits Janeway’s arrival for today’s therapy session. Janeway finally enters... The tears are pouring down her face.
Freud asks, “What’s wrong, Captain?”
Janeway says, “I passed a construction site on the way over here today... And none of the construction workers whistled. I must be frumpy!”
Freud responds, “Don’t talk that way. Maybe they were too busy working to see you walk by.”
Janeway says, “I don’t think so... Because they tried to bury me in some cement!”
Freud then says, “Ouch! Bummer! Don’t worry, one of our hypnosis sessions will make you feel better...”
Janeway lays on the couch. Freud then says, “Okay, now just relax. Count down from 100. Lets see if you can do the counting without using your fingers today...”
Chakotay and Torres enter the turbolift heading for the bridge. Chakotay says, “Whatever Janeway wants us for, it better be good. I had you right where I wanted you!”
Torres says, “I know. But let’s not tell Janeway that we were making out. She gets so jealous. We’ll tell her we were playing Hoverball.”
Chakotay and Torres exit the turbolift. Chakotay says, “What did you need us for, Captain?”
Janeway says, “We’ve got some exciting news! We’ve found a beacon that’s sending us a Starfleet message!”
Mr. Paris says excitedly, “Maybe they found a way to get a probe here... Maybe they’re looking for us!!”
Janeway rolls her eyes and says, “Mr. Paris, You idiot!! Let’s not jump to conclusions...”
Tuvok then says, “Captain! Look at the date on the encryption code!”
Mr. Kim says, “Whoa! That’s a month after we left DS9. They must be looking for us!!”
Janeway says, “Mr. Kim... I think you’re right! Your optimisim is infectous!!”
Paris mutters under his breath, “Oh fine. When I say it, I’m jumping to conclusions. But anybody else says it and they’re optimistic...”
A short while later, Voyager arrives at the beacon’s coordinates. Tuvok suddenly shouts, “Captain! There is a Kazon ship heading right for us!”
Chakotay says, “My God! We’ve got to stop them! They might attack the beacon!”
Janeway smacks Chakotay over the head with a newspaper and says, “Chakotay... You pedantic drone! The Kazon ship faked the signal!”
Tuvok then says, “Captain! The Kazon ship is continually matching their weapon frequency to our shield frequency!”
Chakotay says, “How the hell can they do that?? It’s as if they know our access codes!”
Tuvok then says, “Captain! The Kazon ship is ordering things over the Internet... using our Federation Express card!”
Chakotay says, “It’s as if they know our PIN numbers!!”
Suddenly, a smaller Kazon ship slams into Voyager. The computer says, “Intruders among us! Danger! Danger! Intruders among us!”
Janeway says, “Tuvok! Did you let Neelix reprogram the intruder alert message? Well, never mind. You must capture the intruders!”
Tuvok says, “Aye, Captain! Tuvok to Security. Please send two and only two security officers to help me apprehend the Kazon. Even though we have well over 50 security officers doing absolutely nothing...”
Meanwhile... The Kazon intruders rush to transporter room two. They steal a transporter module and beam back to the Kazon ship. Tuvok rushes into the transporter room and says, “Captain! The Kazon have beamed away! How stupid is this?? The Kazon mastermind this attack. They crash into Voyager. Just so that they can board Voyager, rush to the transporter room and beam back to their ship? For crying out loud, there had to be a more efficient way to get to their ship!”
Janeway rolls her eyes and says, “Tuvok. You dolt. Just look around to see if anything’s missing.”
Tuvok pauses and says, “A-ha. Good catch, Captain! They did steal one of our transporter modules!”
Suddenly Chakotay says, “Captain, the Kazon ship is hailing us!”
Chakotay puts the message on the view screen. The evil Kazon Culluh appears on the view screen and says, “Hello, Captain Janeway!”
Janeway says, “I remember you, Carl.”
Culluh corrects her, “Culluh!”
Janeway says, “Sorry... Culluh. That transporter module you just stole will never work on your ship. Not unless you have had some help updating your technology since we last met...”
Culluh says, “We’ve had some help updating our technology since we last met.... Seska!! Get your Cardassian ass in here!”
Seska says, “Coming, dear!” She appears on the view screen also and says, “Hello, Chakotay!”
Chakotay says, “Seska! I should have known you were involved. Unfortunately I’m dumb!”
Mr. Paris then says, “Captain! The Kazon are escaping!”
Seska then laughs and says, “Too bad, Chakotay. It was lovely to see you again. And we’ll see you soon, Harry...”
Harry shouts, “What does she mean by that??” With that, the Kazon ship escapes...
Hours later... The crew has a staff meeting...
Janeway says, “We must hurry and capture the Kazon-Nistrim! We can’t let them have the transporter. Mr. Neelix, what do you think will happen now that the Nistrim have transporter capability?”
Neelix says, “You’re right! Now the Nistrim will be able to beam down to a planet. That could totally disrupt the entire Quadrant! Why, I don’t know. But it surely sounds melodramatic!”
Janeway suddenly looks around and says, “Wait a minute! Where’s Chakotay?? He was supposed to be here for this meeting!! Computer: locate Commander Chakotay!”
The computer responds, “Um... Who? Commander who? Never heard of him...”
Janeway says, “Computer!! I’m not falling for that! How much did Chakotay pay you to play dumb like this?”
The computer answers, “Ten dollars.”
Janeway says, “Well I’ll give you twenty! Now locate Commander Chakotay!”
The computer reponds, “I don’t know... I can see his face... I can’t remember much else...”
Janeway says, “Fine!! Thirty Dollars!!”
The computer then says, “Now you’re talking! Commander Chakotay is not on board!”
Meanwhile... Chakotay is continuing in his stolen shuttlecraft. He has approached the Kazon ship. Where Seska and Culluh are having a strategy session. Seska says, “I think we should get the sects.”
Culluh says, “Oh please, Seska! This is not the time to be fooling around in the bedroom!”
Seska replies, “Not sex you idiot... Sects! We should gather all the Kazon sects together!!”
Culluh says, “Oh... My bad. Call a meeting. Invite the Kazon-Ogla, the Kazon-Oahu, the Kazon-Honolulu, the Kazon-Minolta-Toyota-Nicaragua, and...”
Suddenly, the Kazon alarms, which sound disturbingly like somebody burping, start sounding off like crazy. Seska says, “My God!! It’s a shuttlecraft! It must be Chakotay!”
Seska opens a hailing channel and says, “Hello, Chakotay. I know you are there...”
Chakotay does his best Vidiian impression, “Huh? Chakotay? No I’m Dr. Rufus from the Mayo Clinic. I’ve come to scan your ship for signs of the phage.”
At that moment, Chakotay beams aboard the Kazon ship. He begins searching around. He finds a very useful sign: “Stolen Federation transporter technology to the left... Rosenstein bar mitzvah to the right...”
Chakotay heads to the left. He finds the stolen transporter module. He pulls out his phaser and switches it from “stun mode” to “zapping stolen module mode.” He zaps the stolen module. He then clicks his combadge and says, “Activate the message beacon!” At that moment Seska enters the room and has a very unhappy look on her face...
Meanwhile... Back on Voyager...
Torres requests to enter Janeway’s ready room. Janeway allows her to enter. Torres walks in and sees Janeway writing a very long list. Torres asks, “What are you working on?”
Janeway replies, “Oh, I’m making a list of punishments for Chakotay once we find him. I am up to Number 847: Using sandpaper to remove the tattoo from his face.”
Torres says, “Please, Captain. Don’t be so bitter. We must get Chakotay back. What a terrible disruption to the crew’s morale if we lost our first officer!”
Janeway says, “What?? Nobody on this ship even likes him! Crew morale has increased since his departure. But I agree. We should go get him. Because I’m going to kick that boy’s ass!”
Suddenly Tuvok interrupts, “Captain! Please report to the Bridge!”
Janeway and Torres return to the Bridge and Tuvok says, “I have found an automated message beacon from Commander Chakotay!”
Tuvok plays the message, “Captain... This is Chakotay. I’m sorry I stole the shuttlecraft. And I’m sorry that you are undoubtedly bent out of shape about it. But if you’ve recieved this message, it means that I’ve destroyed the transporter module. So please don’t risk your lives searching for me. I’m probably dead by this point. And since that is the case, I’d like to get a few things off my chest... First of all, Mr. Kim, you will never, ever make Lieutenant. I just have a feeling you’ll be the world’s oldest Ensign. Neelix, you’re annoying. Tuvok, you need to shut up. And Janeway, you make Mussolini seem like Ghandi!!!”
Tuvok then says, “Captain! I’ve located another message beacon!”
Tuvok plays the second message, “Captain... This is Chakotay. If this beacon has been activated, it means you’ve activated the first beacon. You’re getting quite good at this beacon-activating stuff...” And the message terminates.
Meanwhile... On the Kazon ship...
Chakotay is tied to a chair and beat up really badly. After that, they hang him up like a piñata and the Kazon take turns whacking him. Seska finally gets Chakotay alone and says, “If you just tell us Voyager’s command codes, they won’t beat on you anymore. And then you and I can check into a Motel Six and...”
Chakotay laughs, “Oh, please! You can’t possibly think that you and I...”
Seska says, “Oh, get over yourself. It was never that good!”
Chakotay says, “Oh yes it was... Admit it!”
Seska says, “Okay, fine. It was awesome! Just give me the command codes!”
Chakotay replies, “I don’t even know the command codes. The only thing Janeway trusts me with is cleaning the carpets...” Seska is fed up with Chakotay and knocks him unconscious.
Meanwhile... on the Kazon bridge...
Culluh has gathered the other Kazon sects together. Culluh says, “Okay. I think we should all team up and take over Voyager!”
Kazon #1 says, “Are you sure that’s a good idea? Voyager might use their technology to destroy us...”
Culluh says, “Don’t worry about that, Kazon #1. I have Voyager’s command codes, once they attack we can disable them!”
Kazon #1 says, “Very well. I do have one question. Why am I being referred to as Kazon #1?”
Kazon #2 answers, “We are extremely minor characters. We don’t get names.”
Back on Voyager...
Janeway has tracked down Culluh’s ship. Tuvok says, “Great shades of Elvis! There are 47 other Kazon ships meeting with Culluh’s ship!”
Janeway is concerned, “I didn’t know Culluh had that many ships!”
Neelix responds, “He doesn’t! They are from other Kazon sects. I haven’t seen the Kazon joined together like this since the great Delta Quadrant Boat Expo of 2365.”
Janeway says, “I dunno. Us up against all those ships? The damage to Voyager could be extreme!”
Torres responds, “Don’t worry Captain. We’ve got the extreme-damage people standing by. They can fix any extreme damage in less than a minute!”
Janeway pauses for her big dramatic moment, “Very well! Let’s go get Chakotay!” (insert loud claps of Kazon Nistrim thunder here)
Back on Culluh’s ship...
The Kazon red alert burping sirens start blaring like crazy. Seska says, “Oh my god... It’s Voyager!”
Kazon #3 says, “Okay, Culluh. Use the command codes to stop Voyager!”
Culluh says, “Command codes? What are you talking about?”
Kazon #4210 says, “You told us you had Voyager’s command codes!!”
Culluh says, “I never said that! I said we had Voyager’s glands and lymph nodes! You must order your ships to attack Voyager!”
Kazon #692 says, “I hope you know what you’re doing Charles...”
Culluh says, “It’s Culluh! Now tell your ships to start firing!”
Back on Voyager... The ship starts shaking like crazy...
Tuvok says, “Direct hit! Our shields are down to 47%.”
Janeway says, “My God! Raise shields!”
Kim whispers to Paris, “She’s lost it...”
Back on the Kazon ship...
Kazon #324 shouts, “They are constantly matching their torpedo frequency to our shield frequency!!”
Seska panics, “It’s as if they know our access codes!”
Kazon #99 says, “Oops! I think that’s my fault. I really shouldn’t be transmitting our access codes to Voyager...”
Suddenly, Culluh and the other Kazon are beamed aboard Voyager... Where Tuvok awaits. Tuvok says, “Hello, boys. Here are the terms: We will release you in exchange for Commander Chakotay, our shuttlecraft, any naked photos you might have of your more attratctive Kazon females, and your solemn oath that you will do something with that God-awful hair of yours!!”
Kazon #414 turns to Culluh and says, “I will make you very sorry for this, Columbo...”
“Captain’s Log: Stardate 49-something. Commander Chakotay has made a full recovery. Unfortunately his personality is still rather boring. I now have to punish him for his evil deeds. I am considering a one-month ban from any Holodeck BBS activities.”
Suddenly, Janeway overhears a communication transmission. It’s the Doctor saying, “And then there’s Captain Janeway... Big time horse’s ass from the Starship Voyager...”
Janeway screams, “I heard that!!!”
The Doctor says, “Oh dear. I thought the commbadge was turned off. Heh heh...”
Then Tuvok interrupts, “Captain, I’ve located another message beacon!”
Janeway says, “Oh, God. Here we go again. It better be from Chakotay. It better be a big-time sucking up beacon!”
Tuvok says, “I’m afraid not. It’s from Seska!”
Tuvok plays the message, “Hello, Chakotay. Congratulations on your victory. I look forward to seeing you again! And I have some exciting news... I’m pregnant!! And the baby... is yours! You’re going to be a father!!” The message terminates.
Chakotay says, “What?? I never touched her! She must have stolen some of my DNA while I was unconscious and impregnated herself with it...”
Janeway says, “Oh please, Chakotay! That’s about the lamest excuse I’ve ever heard...”
Thus concludes Janeway’s latest therapy session. Oddly, Janeway is still quite insane...