The galactically feared Borg therapist, Sigmund of Freud, is on pins and needles waiting for Janeway’s arrival for today’s therapy session.
Janeway finally arrives and says, “Dr. Freud, why are you sitting on pins and needles? Dude, that’s got to hurt!!”
Freud responds, “Never mind that! I must know the conclusion to your ‘Unizero Matrix’ story!”
Janeway says, “Sorry, it’s not time for the conclusion just yet...”
Freud replies, “Curses!!!”
Janeway proceeds to stroll down memory lane with Dr. Freud...
Janeway sits quietly in her ready room, enjoying her morning coffee. She then says, “Computer... Seal the doors.”
Once the doors are sealed, Janeway pulls out a big bottle of whiskey and pours a goodly amount of it in her coffee cup. She quickly hides the whiskey again and says, “Aaaaaah, coffee. The finest organic suspension ever designed...”
Moments later, Tuvok pages Janeway to report to the Bridge. Janeway staggers on to the Bridge and says, “Report!”
Tuvok says, “We’ve detected something on long-range sensors!”
Janeway replies, “Yeah, so what? Isn’t that what the long-range sensors are for?”
Tuvok then says, “You don’t understand. It’s a missile. A very, very big missile.”
Neelix appears on the bridge and Janeway asks him, “Neelix, do you know of any very, very big missiles in this area of space?”
Neelix says, “Hmmmm... I do not. It’s very strange...”
Janeway says, “Thanks, Neelix. You are always a fountain of useful information. Well, Mr. Paris, set a course for the missile. We’d better investigate this thing. I’ll be in my ready room, I need another cup of coffee...”
Neelix thinks to himself, “Hmmm... Janeway never has a second cup of coffee in the mess hall...”
A few hours later... Voyager approaches the very very big missile.
Torres rushes to the Bridge and says, “Captain! I know this missile! Its name is Dreadnought!”
Janeway asks, “You named a missile? Don’t you have any friends of your own? Loser!”
Torres growls, “If you were not the Captain... I would kill you where you stand!”
Finally, Torres calms down and then says, “You see, this missile used to be a Cardassian missile. But I captured it and reprogrammed it. And I even reprogrammed to talk in my voice!”
Kim mumbles under his breath, “Ego trip...”
Janeway asks, “Well, why did you reprogram Dreadnought?”
Torres replies, “I did it to stop Juggernaut.”
Chakotay asks, “What? What does Seven of Nine have to do with this?”
Janeway says, “She said ‘Juggernaut’. Not ‘big jugs.’ ...You pedantic drone.”
Torres continues, “Juggernaut was a Malon ship that drifted into orbit of Bajor. Don’t ask me how, I’m not in charge of continuity. But I took control of Juggernaut and I reprogrammed it destroy Deep Space Nine.”
Janeway is shocked, “But why??”
Torres says, “I figured if I got rid of DS9, we’d be on the air a few months earlier. Anyways, Juggernaut got lost in the Badlands. So I sent Dreadnought to stop Juggernaut.”
Mr. Kim runs a scan and says, “Captain. I think I’ve located Juggernaut. It’s on a direct course to destroy the planet Racosa!”
Janeway says, “Oh, great. And I suppose that planet is populated with innocent people? Wonderful. Now we have to pretend we are the noble ones and we have to try to find a way to stop Juggernaut...”
Torres says, “Don’t worry, if you can get me aboard Dreadnought, I can help Dreadnought destroy Juggernaut.”
Janeway says, “Very well, Torres. Beam aboard Dreadnought and see what you can do. Take Mr. Paris with you.”
Paris says, “Why me??”
Janeway says, “You two look so cute together. Get moving! I’ll be in my ready room, I need a little more coffee, and I don’t want to miss last call.”
A short time later, Paris and Torres board Dreadnought. A machine scans their DNA and Dreadnought speaks, “Hello, B’Elanna. The current time is 9:54 AM. Downtown temperature is 75 degrees. You look as beautiful as ever, B’Elanna. You’re a damn good looking woman... Oh hello, Paris. You male chauvinist pig.”
Torres says, “Hello, Dready!”
Paris says, “Dready???”
Torres continues, “So Dready, I need your help to stop Juggernaut. In case you don’t know, you are now in the Delta Quadrant.”
Dreadnought responds, “The possibility of being in the Delta Quadrant... 75,000 light years from last confirmed location... is negligible.”
Torres then says, “Don’t start with me, Dready! You’re in the Delta Quadrant now... Deal with it!”
Paris laughs, “This is too funny. You’re getting mad at the missile. A missile that you named Dready!”
Dreadnought then says, “The possibility of Tom Paris having a brain... And being able to have an intelligent thought... is negligible.”
Torres says, “Agreed, Dready. Now run a long-range scan. You will see Juggernaut on a course to attack the innocent planet of Racosa.”
Dreadnought says, “The possibility of Juggernaut destroying Racosa... A planet filled with aliens with dumb foreheads... is negligible.”
Torres smacks Dreadnought and says, “If you don’t shape up, we’ll turn this missile around right now and we’ll go home!”
Back on Voyager...
Mr. Kim runs a few more scans on Juggernaut. Mr. Kim then says, “Captain! According to these scans, there is a lifeform on board Juggernaut!”
The Doctor says ominously, “The Malon boogie man.”
Janeway says, “Hmmmm... We better hail Juggernaut. I wonder if Torres programmed that ship in her voice, too...”
Tuvok hails them, “Juggernaut, this is Tuvok of the Starship Voyager. Respond.”
A voice responds, “Starship Voyager... Stand down at once. Your ship is no match for me. Pedantic drones!”
Janeway gasps, “My God! Torres reprogrammed Juggernaut to use my voice! I’m honored!”
Chakotay says, “Please, Juggernaut. We must speak with you for a second.”
Juggernaut responds, “Time’s... up!” And the transmission goes dead...
Janeway says, “I like her style!”
Back on Dreadnought...
Suddenly all the power goes out. Torres says, “Dreadnought, what have you done?”
Dreadnought responds, “You are participating in the Delta Quadrant Deception. I will not help you destroy Juggernaut anymore.”
Torres says, “What?? There is no deception!”
Dreadnought replies, “Oh, yes there is!! I’ve run a new scan that shows we are still in the Alpha Quadrant!”
Paris says, “I’m not surprised. I’m afraid I spilled beer all over the main computer. Sorry...”
Torres quickly does some damage control and gets Dreadnought moving again. Eventually Dreadnought is along side Juggernaut again. Dreadnought says bitterly, “Okay, you can make me go. But you can’t make me destroy Juggernaut. And I won’t! So put that in your pipe and smoke it...”
Torres says, “I never programmed Dreadnought to be such a pain in the ass.”
Paris says, “I thought you told me you programmed Dreadnought to have your personality?”
Torres says, “I did!”
Paris says, “Well then, you programmed Dreadnought to be a pain in the ass!”
Torres finally says, “Well I have no choice. I must cause Dreadnought to explode. And then hopefully the explosion will cause Juggernaut to explode. You better beam back to Voyager, Tom.”
Paris says, “You are sending me back to save me from the explosion? B’Elanna, I had you all wrong. You are quite a heroine!”
Torres says, “Heroine, nothing! I just want you out of my face...”
Paris says, “You didn’t let me finish. I was going to say a person needs to be on heroin to deal with somebody like you. You bring new meaning to the word annoying!”
At that moment Torres and Paris share a passionate kiss. (They have a really bizarre relationship.) And Torres beams Paris back to Voyager. Torres heads to Dreadnought’s warp core and starts using a phaser to cause a breach.
Dreadnought doesn’t like this and tries to distract Torres. Dreadnought says, “The possibility of B’Elanna finding a boyfriend... any man alive who would go out with her... is negligible.”
That doesn’t work. Torres continues firing at the warp core. Dreadnought tries the HAL 9000 approach and says, “What are you doing, Dave?”
Suddenly a lifeform beams aboard Dreadnought. It’s the Malon boogie man from the Juggernaut. He approaches Torres and says, “Don’t even think about it! I won’t let you use Dreadnought to destroy Juggernaut. Who the hell do you think you are?”
Torres says, “Believe it or not, I am the hot-to-trot astronaut who fought a lot and thought Dreadnought should destroy Juggernaut!”
The Malon boogie man says, “Is that a poem? Well, it doesn’t matter, I can’t let you get away with this!”
Torres hits the boogie man with a lead pipe in Engineering (kind of like a 24th century version of Clue). The boogie man falls to the floor. Torres continues sabotaging Dreadnought.
Back on Voyager...
Juggernaut tries reasoning with Janeway and says, “You can’t let me be destroyed, no doubt. It goes against everything Starfleet believes in. And I want to help you embrace your humanity.”
Tuvok says, “Captain, I think we have no choice. We must make Voyager self-destruct. That way Voyager’s destruction will cause Dreadnought’s destruction, which will cause Juggernaut’s destruction.”
Janeway says, “Yikes! I’d hate to have to clean that mess up! But you’re right. All hands, follow me to the escape pods. We must abandon ship!”
Tuvok says, “But Captain. Somebody must stay behind and pilot Voyager, to make sure it hits Dreadnought!”
Janeway says, “Good point! Chakotay, you stay behind and make sure Voyager gets blown up.”
Chakotay says, “Why me??”
Janeway replies, “Captain’s prerogative...”
But Chakotay quickly runs to his escape pod and leaves Voyager with the rest of the crew... Except for Tuvok, who stays behind.
Janeway says, “Well then, I think I’ll stay behind and make sure Voyager gets blown up. But, Mr. Tuvok, I really appreciate you staying here with me. You are a brave, decent man. Probably the best friend I’ve ever had... I thank you.”
Tuvok says, “Oh, it was nothing... We ran out of escape pods...”
Back on Dreadnought...
The boogie man begins to get up. Torres says, “Don’t make me kill you!!” And she pulls out a baseball bat and smacks the boogie man with it. Torres says, “You move again and I’ll kill you!”
Torres is nearly finished destroying Dreadnought. Suddenly, the Malon boogie man sneezes. Torres screams, “I warned you!!!” And then she pulls out a sledgehammer and smashes the boogie man’s skull into a pile of goo.
Finally, Torres breaches the warp core. Dreadnought thinks quickly and decides for a guilt trip. Dreadnought says, “But B’Elanna... I love you... You’re my snookie-ookums!”
But it’s too late, B’Elanna beams back to Voyager and watches as Dreadnought explodes. Juggernaut realizes its fate is sealed. Juggernaut quickly hails Voyager and says, “But Kathryn... I love you... You put the ‘oooh’ back in ‘oooh baby’...”
But it’s too late, Juggernaut explodes. Janeway, Torres and Tuvok shout with extreme joy! Janeway believes their mission has been a success!
But it’s too late, Racosa explodes. Janeway thinks to herself, “Bummer... Well, we almost had it...”
“Captains Log... Supplemental. I have quite the hangover today! But they say drinking coffee sobers you up. Although I wonder if that is still the case when you add whiskey to the coffee. Anyways, I feel a little silly now, but we realized that the planet that got destroyed was Racosa Four, an uninhabited planet. Racosa Three was the planet with millions of innocent citizens. We need to start checking those type of things...”
Meanwhile... Torres returns to her quarters after the long ordeal with Dreadnought and Juggernaut. She has flashbacks of beating the Malon boogie man to death. Torres giggles and thinks to herself, “That part was fun!”
Torres proceeds to take off all her clothes and enters the sonic shower. Tuvok sneaks in the room and snaps a few Polaroids of it all. Tuvok snickers, “I’ll make a fortune with these things on the Internet...”
And thus concludes today’s therapy session. Another journey into the utopia that is the 24th century...