Janeway’s Therapy, Chapter 8: “Deadbolt”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published October 9, 2000
Captain Janeway stands outside the office of her therapist, the famed Borg doctor Sigmund of Freud. Janeway is concerned because the door is locked. Janeway starts pounding on the door.
A voice inside the office screams, “You’ll never take me alive, you bastards!! If you want to get me out of here, you’ll have to take me out in a pine box!!”
Janeway says, “Uh, Dr. Freud?... It’s me, Janeway.”
Freud unlocks the door and lets Janeway in and says, “My apologies, Captain. I thought you were those annoying people asking me if I’ve found Jesus.”
Janeway says, “Well, have you found him?”
Freud replies, “No. And I’ve looked everywhere. Under the couch, the hall closet, you name it. But anyways, are you ready to tell me the conclusion to your ‘Unizero Matrix’ story yet? I’ve been unable to sleep!”
Janeway replies, “Patience, my friend. Check back with me in about one week.”
With that, Janeway takes a few hits of acid and begins remembering another of her early Voyager adventures...
A very pregnant Ensign Wildman arrives in the mess hall. Mr. Neelix rushes over to her and says, “Oh, Wildman! I’m so glad you are here. The replicators aren’t working properly. Will you please take a look at them?”
Suddenly Wildman screams, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! Oh my God! AAAAAAAAAAAH!!”
Neelix sulks, “Is that a no?”
Suddenly a funky-smelling liquid puddle forms under where Ensign Wildman is standing. Neelix says, “Oh man, I’m not cleaning that up!”
Wildman says, “No!! I am in labor... Idiot!”
Neelix says, “Oh my! So you broke your water!”
Wildman corrects him, “No Neelix, I didn’t break my water. It broke. It’s a passive verb!!!”
Wildman’s face turns a very dark shade of purple and she screams, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! The pain! You must get me to sickbay immediately!”
Neelix whines, “But what about the replicators? Can’t you look at them real quick? It’ll just take a moment...”
Meanwhile... on the Bridge...
The crew waits around nervously for news about Ensign Wildman. Mr. Paris becomes bitter, “How long does it take to have a baby?”
Tuvok says, “When my wife gave birth, she was in labor for 96 hours.”
Kim gasps, “In labor for four days??”
Tuvok says, “Indeed. I found it quite ironic. Especially since the conception only took 9 seconds...”
Chakotay says, “I never thought I would be this nervous. It’s not even my child. At least, Ensign Wildman assured me it wasn’t my child. I sure hope it isn’t my child. Because I’ve seen Wildman’s husband... He’s a very big man and could easily beat the hell out of me...”
Janeway laments, “This poor child. Having to grow up on Voyager...”
Chakotay observes, “My father used to say home is wherever you happen to be.”
Janeway says, “Oh that makes a hell of a lot of sense, Chakotay. What if you happen to be in a Turkish prison?? Does that suddenly mean you’re in a homelike atmosphere?? You pedantic drone!”
Meanwhile... In Sickbay...
The Doctor shouts, “Mush!! Mush!! Mush!! Mush!!”
Kes says, “Doctor, she’s giving birth... not pulling a sled in the Arctic Circle!”
The Doctor says, “Ooops, sorry. Push!! Push!! Push!!”
Wildman is bitter, “Doctor... You are programmed with the knowledge of 600 trillion doctors... And the only advice you can offer me during childbirth is ‘push’??”
Suddenly, alarms start beeping like crazy. Kes says, “Doctor, we have a problem! The baby has become stuck!”
The Doctor says, “Cripes!! We better do a fetal transport!”
Kes says, “But Doctor, the fetal transport is off-line!”
The Doctor says, “In that case... bring me a crowbar. Don’t worry, Ensign, we’ll have this baby out in no time!”
Back on the Bridge...
Tuvok says, “Captain! There is a Vidiian ship 47,000 kilometers off the port bow!”
Janeway says, “Mr. Paris! Find us a place to hide!”
Paris says, “Hey! There’s a plasma drift dead ahead! It will hide us from their sensors.”
Mr. Kim adds, “I’ve just run an analysis on the plasma drift. It’s a large cloud of plasma. And it’s drifting.”
The ever-sarcastic Tuvok says, “Hence the name ‘plasma drift.’”
Back in Sickbay...
Ensign Wildman finally gives birth to a baby girl. The Doctor says, “Good work! The baby is alive! Kes, start working on the stitches for Ensign Wildman. We’ll probably need about 47,000 of them.”
The Doctor runs a few scans of the baby and says, “Good Gravy Marie! This baby is very ill! She has.... medical technobabble!”
Wildman panics, “Medical technobabble? What’s that? Is it serious???”
The Doctor says, “It’s deadly!” (Insert loud claps of plasma drift thunder.)
Back on the Bridge...
The lights on the Bridge start flickering like crazy. The ship is losing power. Janeway clicks her commbadge and says, “Janeway to Accounting... Did you remember to pay the electric bill this month?”
A voice responds, “Yes Ma’am!”
Janeway is stern, “It’s not crunch time, Accounting. I’ll let you know when.”
Paris explains, “Captain! When we exited the plasma drift, all of our systems began losing power...”
Chakotay says, “I’m not surprised. I’ve studied plasma drifts for years. And usually ships lose power when they exit a plasma drift.”
Janeway is angry, “Why the hell didn’t you tell us this??”
Chakotay responds, “Because you were mean to me earlier.”
Janeway pages engineering and says, “Torres! What’s causing all this damage?”
Torres answers, “We are definitely being hit with proton bursts! But I don’t understand. I haven’t even started the procedure yet!”
Janeway says, “Well I should hope not. Because I didn’t give you permission to!”
The ship starts rumbling like crazy. Consoles are exploding all over the place. Six never-before-seen crewmembers are killed.
Back in Sickbay...
Dozens of injured people are being brought into Sickbay. The Doctor starts doing the triage and finds out what everybody’s condition is.
He scans them and says, “This one has a broken arm... No serious danger. She can wait.”
Then on to somebody else, “This one has stopped breathing... No serious danger. He can wait.”
He goes to another and says, “This one has a hangnail. Prep her for surgery.”
A hysterical Ensign Wildman approaches the Doctor and says, “Doctor... My baby is going to die, isn’t she?”
The Doctor replies, “Looks like it. Quite a bummer!”
Wildman shrieks, “Well do something!!”
The Doctor responds, “Hey! I’m a doctor. Not a physician!”
Meanwhile... on Deck 15...
Torres and Mr. Kim race to a hull breach. Hoping the equipment they have can seal the breach.
Suddenly, Mr. Kim slips and is sucked into outer space. Harry screams!
Torres responds, “Just hold your breath, Harry. We’ll get you back in here in a few minutes!”
Suddenly, Mr. Kim’s body explodes! Torres says, “Never mind...”
Kes rushes to Deck 15 to check on the injured. Torres screams, “Kes!! Over here! Come quickly!!” Kes goes running down the hall and pays no attention to the sign on the wall that says, “This way to the spatial rift leading to a duplicate Voyager.”
Kes enters the spatial rift and disappears. Torres says, “Never mind...”
Meanwhile... On the Bridge...
Janeway says, “Tuvok, give me a damage report!”
Tuvok clears his throat, takes a deep breath and says, “The hull breach on Deck 15 has widened to include Deck 16. Which is odd when you consider that we don’t have a Deck 16. And there are 4,747 other hull breaches. And 15 breaches of contract. And Ensign Wildman had a breech baby. The supply of really fast warp speed juice is down to 20% and it’s dropping like flies. We’ve lost life support on Deck 9. We’ve lost moral support on Deck 2. Ensign Vorik is being sued for child support. The dishwashers on Deck 13 are offline. Our supply of ketchup has dropped to 12% and is continuing to fall. I must also regretfully report that Ensign Wildman’s baby did not survive. However, I must also happily report that Mr. Kim did not survive either.”
Captain Janeway starts going over her data and says, “You know, I think what happened is that the plasma drift caused us to create a duplicate Voyager. And this duplicate Voyager is the one that’s sucking up all of our power...”
Chakotay says, “I must agree, Captain. My research of plasma drifts have shown that any ship entering a plasma drift ends up being duplicated. But once again, I didn’t mention this to you because you’re mean.”
Janeway becomes enraged and pulls out a sawed-off shotgun, preparing to shoot that insolent little first officer. When suddenly she catches a glimpse of the duplicate Voyager. Janeway says, “We must find a way to contact the duplicate Voyager.”
Tuvok says, “I don’t know if that will be possible. The long-distance phone lines are also offline...”
Meanwhile... on the duplicate Voyager...
Duplicate Tuvok says, “Captain. There’s no doubt about it. There is definitely another Voyager here. And we are taking all of their energy and leaving them to die in space.”
Duplicate Janeway says, “Noted. Now, who’s up for a spirited game of Yahtzee?”
Suddenly the real Janeway shows up on the duplicate Voyager’s bridge. The two Janeways stand right next to each other and the members of the J-Team begin drooling. Real-Janeway says, “Captain. We need to talk right now!”
Dupe-Janeway says, “Well... What do you want?”
Real-Janeway says, “You must stop draining all of the power from my ship! Perhaps the members of my crew can join the members of your crew. It would be crowded, but we’ll manage...”
Dupe-Janeway says, “My B’Elanna tells me that if we do that... Your crew would get on our nerves and we’d have to kill you.”
Real-Janeway then says, “Very well. I’ll go back to my ship and think of something...”
Dupe-Janeway says, “You’re going to self-destruct your ship, aren’t you?”
Real-Janeway says, “That’s right. Don’t try to talk me out of it!”
Dupe-Janeway says, “Oh, believe me, I wasn’t going to. In fact, I was about to suggest that you do that myself!”
Real-Janeway says, “What?? You’re not going to try in the slightest to talk me out of it??”
Dupe-Janeway says, “Nope. Now get out of here before I call security and have them beat you with a monkey wrench. Because you know I’ll do it...”
Real-Janeway growls, “Fine! I’m leaving. You duplicate pedantic drone!”
Real-Janeway grabs the Real-Kes and they return back to their Voyager.
On the real Voyager Bridge...
Janeway gets her people together and says, “Well. We have no choice. We must self-destruct our ship. At least the duplicate Voyager will survive.”
Suddenly Tuvok says, “Captain!! It’s the Vidiians! They are heading right for us!”
Janeway says, “Zoinks! Power up the weapons system!”
Tuvok says, “Janeway... Have you even been paying attention to the plot here? We have no power!!”
Then Chakotay says, “Captain... Wait!! The Vidiians are boarding the duplicate Voyager!!
Suddenly, the Dupe-Voyager hails the Real-Voyager...
Dupe-Janeway says, “Captain! We’ve been boarded! The Vidiians are on the verge of taking over our ship. Are they on yours?”
Real-Janeway says, “Nope. They can’t see ours. Sucks to be you, don’t it?”
Dupe-Janeway suggests, “Captain. Perhaps my crew can join up with your crew. It would be crowded, but we will manage...”
Real-Janeway says, “HA HA HA HA HA HA!! Not a chance in hell! The shoe is on the other foot now!”
Dupe-Janeway looks down at her shoes and says, “What are you talking about? I haven’t touched my shoes!”
Dupe-Chakotay says to Dupe-Janeway, “Captain! There are 474 Vidiians on board!”
Dupe-Janeway says, “Captain... I’m going to self-destruct my ship. But, I’m going to send my Dupe-Harry Kim along with the Dupe-Baby Wildman over to your ship. It only seems fair. Plus, they’re really getting on our nerves...”
The transmission ends. Dupe-Janeway tells Dupe-Harry to get the baby and go to the other Voyager. Dupe-Janeway then speaks to her computer, “Computer: This is Duplicate Captain Janeway. Initiate the self destruct. Set it for five minutes and mute the audio warnings.”
The computer says, “Warning! The self-destruct has been activated. Five minutes until explosion.”
Janeway shouts, “Didn’t I say mute the audio warnings??”
The computer says, “There will be no further voice warnings...”
Moments later, the Vidiians enter the Bridge. Janeway is gracious, “Hello. I am Captain Janeway. Welcome to the Bridge. Please come in. Sit down. May I take your coat? Can I interest you in something to drink? Would you like to see my slides from my trip to Hawaii?”
Suddenly... KABOOM! The duplicate Voyager and the Vidiian ship are destroyed. And the duplicate-Harry and Baby Wildman arrive on the real Voyager. Janeway is shocked to see that Baby Wildman has already aged 18 months!
Janeway says to Kim, “It’s so good to have you back.”
Kim says, “Thanks. But it’s weird... This isn’t really my ship. And you aren’t really my captain. My captain was very cool. She wasn’t the pain in the butt that you are. She doesn’t have everybody on her ship hating her. She knows how to run a starship!”
Janeway punches Mr. Kim in the mouth and several of his teeth fall out of his mouth. Mr. Kim screams in agony, “My teeth! My teeth!”
Janeway says, “We’re Starfleet officers... Dentures are part of the job...”
Dr. Freud says, “Wow.”
Janeway replies, “I know. One of our more interesting missions...”
Freud then says, “So let me get this straight. You were duplicated. Your ship and the duplicate ship occupied the precise same moment in space-time. And yet, when the duplicate Voyager destroyed themselves, the Vidiians were killed but your Voyager was not?”
Janeway says, “That’s right!”
Dr. Freud scribbles the words “compulsive liar” into Janeway’s file.
And thus ends our session...