Janeway’s Therapy, Chapter 10: “Basics Training”
Written Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published October 28, 2000
Janeway rushes into the office of her Borg therapist Sigmund of Freud. Freud looks disappointed and says, “Janeway, you’re fifteen minutes late!”
Janeway panics, “Um... well, there was a temporal incursion in my living room today. Set all the clocks back fifteen minutes...”
Freud is skeptical but decides to drop the subject. He then says, “Okay, Captain. I think its time we examined one of your cliffhangers. I’ll need to put you under hypnosis...”
Janeway says, “Okay. But I’m warning you... no posthypnotic suggestions this time. The last one was very humiliating. I started barking like a dog whenever somebody said ‘isometric subspace inverted polaric frequency.’”
Freud says, “Very well... Lettuce begin...”
Mr. Tuvok enters the quarters of resident psycho-killer, Mr. Suder. Suder says, “You know, Mr. Tuvok. I used to think I only had a talent for killing. But now I’ve found my true talent... Crochet and needle point.”
Suder hands Tuvok a newly knitted afghan and says, “I’ve decided to call it the Tuvok Afghan.”
Tuvok chokes up, “Suder... That’s so cool of you, man!”
Meanwhile... On the bridge...
Mr. Paris says, “Captain. We are receiving a transmission. Should I put it on screen?”
A particularly cranky Janeway responds, “No, Paris... You should bend over and put it up your...”
Chakotay interrupts, “Yes, on screen!”
It’s a very fuzzy transmission. Seska is holding a baby and a script. Seska reads from the script, “Chakotay. They want to take your sauna. No, your son! Culluh found out the baby wasn’t his and he was very upset.”
At this point, Culluh enters the picture, also holding a script, and says, “Loudly. I told you to stay away from here!”
Seska whispers to Culluh, “You’re not supposed to read the ‘loudly’ part. Those are stage directions!”
Seska then says louder, “No, Culluh. You can’t take my baby!”
Culluh then says, “You just watch me! I’m taking this child! Culluh laughs!! Oops! I did it again. I meant, ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
With that, the transmission ends...
Chakotay says to Janeway, “What do you think of that transmission?”
Janeway says, “I dunno. It could be all be an act. Because I saw them reading scripts...”
Chakotay says, “I know. That seemed odd to me as well. But, on the other hand, it was time for her to deliver. And that child we saw looked part human and part Cardassian.”
Janeway says, “And knowing Culluh, I’m sure his pride was wounded. It makes sense Chakotay! I think its all very true! I think the scripts were just a Kazon transmission ritual.”
Chakotay says, “Hmmmm... I’ll have to talk to my father about this. I’ll need to go on a vision quest.”
Janeway says, “Sorry, Chakotay. I’ve ordered the replicators to quit producing LSD.”
Chakotay replies, “Curses! Very well. Let’s go get that baby!”
A little while later, Tuvok takes Janeway down to meet with Mr. Suder.
Suder says, “Captain. I would like to contribute something to the ship. I would like to be put in charge of all the sewing that needs to be done on Voyager.”
Janeway says, “It’s a promising idea...”
Suder says, “All I would need is a couple of pin cushions. A thimble. And some yarn.”
Janeway says, “Yarn?? I don’t know. Let me give it some thought...”
Suder then snaps, “What the hell is the problem here? You stupid cow! Just give me the [expletive deleted] yarn and then I can start sewing. I don’t know what’s wrong with you, Janeway! If it were up to me, I’d hang you up in the middle of the mess hall and give everybody a stick and we’d call you ‘Janeway the Piñata.’”
Tuvok grimaces and thinks to himself, “You blew it, buddy...”
Janeway looks at Suder coldly and says, “If you’ll excuse me... Pedantic drone.”
Hours later... Back on the bridge...
Paris says, “Captain! There is a disabled Kazon ship directly ahead. There is one very injured man inside.”
Janeway has the man beamed to Sickbay. Janeway and Chakotay arrive and question him. Chakotay says, “What has happened to Seska? And my baby?”
The Kazon replies, “Seska is dead. And your baby has been taken to be raised as a servant.”
Chakotay is impressed, “A servant? Hey, my kid’s going places! My son... The servant...” Chakotay smiles proudly.
Janeway has the Kazon locked up in one of the guest quarters.
A short time later... on the Bridge...
Voyager runs into some big trouble. They run smack dab into four Kazon ships.
Tuvok says, “They are randomly detonating torpedoes in our flight path. No damage.”
Janeway says, “Hold your fire, Mr. Tuvok. They may have torpedoes to waste... We don’t.”
Chakotay asks, “We don’t?”
Janeway replies, “Nope. We don’t get our endless supply of torpedoes until about the fourth season.”
Tuvok says, “Kazon ship... Coming right towards us. 4,000 kilometers away.”
Janeway says, “Not yet...”
Tuvok then says, “3,000 kilometers... 2,000 kilometers... 1,000 kilometers”
Janeway says, “Not yet... Not yet...”
Tuvok panics, “500 kilometers... 100 kilometers... 15 centimeters!!!”
Janeway says, “Now!!”
Tuvok then says, “Now what?”
Janeway says, “Now fire!”
Tuvok says, “Oh yeah!”
Meanwhile... in the Kazon’s quarters...
The Kazon man starts clipping his toenails. Unbeknownst to the Voyager crew, Kazon toenails have the ability to do severe damage.
Suddenly KABOOM!!! Mr. Kim says, “Big explosion on Deck 8... It’s the Kazon’s quarters! The Kazon man exploded!!”
Chakotay says, “Damn Neelix, what the hell did you feed him??”
Kim then says, “We are losing power all over the ship. We’re doomed!”
Mr. Paris says, “Hey. If I can get a shuttle through the crossfire... I’ll be able to escape and won’t have to die with the rest of you!”
Janeway says, “No dice, Paris.”
Paris then says, “Okay... Well, how about this? If I can get a shuttle through the crossfire... I can go back and bring the Talaxians to help us!”
Janeway then says, “Okay... dice. Good luck, Mr. P!”
With that... Tom escapes in a shuttlecraft... at that moment Voyager is boarded by the Kazon! (Insert Kazon-Nistrim thunder here.)
As the Voyager crew is rounded up, Seska and Culluh come to the bridge. Seska says, “What do you think of your son, Chakotay?”
Chakotay replies, “If you think I’m giving you a dime in child support, you’ve got another thing coming...”
Culluh says, “Don’t worry, Commander. I am going to raise him like my own son. A man who would violate a woman under his own command doesn’t deserve a son.”
Seska says, “But Culluh... You violate me all the time...”
Chakotay says, “I didn’t violate her. She impregnated herself with my DNA!”
Culluh says, “Well, any man who would leave his DNA just lying around for somebody to impregnate herself with it... Doesn’t deserve a son.”
Janeway interrupts, “Culluh. I want to discuss what happens now.”
Culluh punches Janeway in the mouth. The crew giggles. Janeway then says, “It’s not punching time, Mr. Culluh. I’ll let you know when...”
A few hours later...
Voyager arrives in orbit of a planet called Army IV. Culluh says, “Welcome to your new home. A fitting end for people who would not share their technology. We are leaving you here on this planet.”
Janeway says, “Ha! This planet doesn’t look so bad...”
Culluh laughs and says, “That’s what you think! This is the planet Army IV. This planet specializes in lifelong basic training... Your drill sergeant will be here shortly.”
With that, Culluh and Seska escape on Voyager... The only Starfleet people that remain are The Doctor and Mr. Suder, who is hiding in the Jefferies tube sewing a baby blanket...
Meanwhile... on the planet...
Janeway says, “We must first find food to survive. We need to start turning over rocks and eating the bugs underneath. If anyone balks at eating these, tell them it’s an order from their captain.”
Torres balks, “Captain? You want us to eat bugs? What the hell do you think this is? Survivor??”
Janeway says, “Well, that would explain why Chakotay is walking around naked...”
At that moment, the drill sergeant arrives and says, “You pansies! You are the sorriest group of people I’ve ever met in my life! I’m going to whip you people into shape no matter how long it takes!! My name is Drill Sergeant York. But you will call me God!”
Chakotay scoffs and says, “God?? Oh please!”
Sgt York turns to Chakotay and says, “Drop and give me 47! Wait... Put some clothes on first. You’re scaring the ladies!”
Back on Voyager...
Seska arrives in Sickbay with her baby and says, “Activate the Emergency Medical Guy!”
The Doctor walks over and says, “Please state the state of the state of the union address.”
Seska says, “Huh?? Schmuck! I want you to examine my baby.”
The Doctor runs a few scans and says, “Hey, wait a minute! Chakotay is not the father of this baby. Culluh is the father!”
Seska rolls her eyes and says, “At what point did this turn into Days of our Lives?”
Seska takes the baby and leaves Sickbay. At that moment, Suder enters Sickbay.
The Doctor says, “Okay, Suder. It’s up to us. We must find a way to take back the ship!”
Suder says, “But I’ll have to kill some of them... Won’t I?”
The Doctor says, “I’m afraid so. Logic suggests that violence is necessary when defending your ship and crew.”
Suder says, “But I don’t want to kill anymore.... Wait!! Do you think Captain Janeway will let me knit the blankets to put in their coffins?”
The Doctor smiles and says, “Of course she will. Just the other day she was telling me she thought you were a knitting whiz! Or was it nitwit? Anyways, I’m sure she’d let you...”
Suder says, “Hey! Cool. I’m on it!”
Meanwhile... on the basic training planet...
Sgt. York stands directly in Janeway’s face and screams, “You sorry excuse for an officer! You make me sick to my stomach! You call that clean????”
Janeway says, “Hey, I’m doing the best I can! But it’s going to take me a while to clean the entire planet... with a toothbrush!!”
Sgt York then says, “Well I have had it with all you lame babies! Each one of you... Do 47 laps around the planet.... Now!!”
Tuvok interrupts, “Logic would suggest that it would take us a great deal of time to do all those laps!”
Sgt York glares at Tuvok, “Oh yeah! Well you are the biggest crybaby of all! Look at you! You’re not even a man! No wonder it takes you seven years to find somebody who wants to have sex with you!!”
Tuvok breaks into tears...
Meanwhile... On Tom’s shuttlecraft...
Tom speaks with the Talaxians and says, “I have a plan to sabotage Voyager. The Doctor will switch to the back up phasers during the attack! Then I will board Voyager and take back the ship and rescue my crew!!!”
The Talaxian says, “Sounds good. Where do we fit in?”
Tom replies, “Oh, you are all pretty much just supposed to die. You draw the Kazon’s fire and explode and die in space. Meanwhile, I will take back Voyager.”
The Talaxian replies, “Understood!”
Meanwhile... in Sickbay...
Suder returns and can’t find the Doctor. But luckily, the Doctor has left a message for Suder. The message plays, “Mr Suder. If you are watching this, it means I’ve been disabled. This means Voyager’s fate is dependent upon you. So I’m sure this pretty much means we are all screwed. But hopefully you won’t mess it up too much... Good luck...”
Suder grabs his phaser compression rifle and his yarn and heads for Engineering. He enters the room and starts shooting like crazy. Dead Kazon all over the place. Suder finds the control that says, “Press this button if you would like to mess up the phasers. This button is very helpful if you ever want to kill Kazon who are on the Bridge and take back Voyager.”
Suder presses the button. At that moment, the melodrama intensifies and Suder is shot and killed by one of the Kazon.
On the Bridge...
Seska is killed by the phaser overload. Culluh hears his baby crying. He rushes in and looks at the baby and sees Seska lying dead next to the baby. Culluh says, “Oh no. Seska?? Seska?? Oh my God! She’s dead! Who is going to change this diaper now??”
Culluh and the remaining Kazon escape from Voyager. Paris takes control of Voyager again and heads for the planet where the rest of the crew are.
Meanwhile... on the planet...
Sgt. York, Neelix and Janeway are in one of the bathrooms. Sgt. York continues to yell at Janeway, “What’s the matter? You want to go home to mommy? Now you better clean every last inch of this bathroom! If I find a single speck of dirt, I’m going to have you clean the bathroom again... With your tongue!”
Suddenly... Voyager appears! Janeway is so very happy. She says, “Janeway to Voyager. You see this incredibly irritating man standing next to me? ...Shoot him!!”
With that, Voyager fires its phasers... and Neelix is shot! Janeway says, “Oops! Sorry, Voyager. I should have been more clear. I meant the irritating man with that army uniform...”
With that, Voyager fires its phasers, and Sgt. York is killed.
Hours later... in Voyager’s Sickbay...
Tuvok comes in to see Suder’s body. The Doctor says, “I wish I could say you would have been proud of him, Tuvok. But he was a mess. Big huge cry baby. Didn’t do a single thing to help me. But luckily, I was able to save the ship without his inept disruptions...”
Tuvok says to Suder, “I offer you a Vulcan prayer, Mr. Suder. May your death bring you peace. May the afterlife be filled with Singer sewing machines...”
The session draws to a close. Dr. Freud says, “Wow, Captain. What an adventure!”
Janeway says, “Dr. Freud, do you really think I’m making progress?”
Freud answers, “Yes. You are becoming less mentally ill every single day!! By the way, Captain... ‘Isometric subspace inverted polaric frequency’!”
With that, Janeway starts barking like a dog...
Thus concluding today’s therapy session...