Janeway's Therapy, Chapter 16: “Shattered, Scattered, and Splattered”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published January 19, 2001
I know I’m doing overkill by writing yet another story. But this episode is just dying to be made fun!! ☺
Captain Kathryn Janeway arrives to the office of the brilliant Borg shrink, Sigmund of Freud. She is carrying with her a really big suitcase.
Dr. Freud asks, “So what’s with the suitcase?” Janeway replies, “The whole laying on the couch and telling stories thing was getting old. So I brought hand puppets to act out my latest literary offering from the Delta Quadrant.” Dr. Freud mumbles to himself, “I really need to start screening potential patients before I actually take them on as patients...”
“Captain’s Log: Stardate: Middle of the seventh season. The past two months have been pretty uneventful. Damn those reruns!! But now things are starting to spice up. And so I’ve decided to make Chakotay a pot roast. Why is it always a pot roast...?”
Chakotay arrives in Cargo Bay Two and catches Icheb and Naomi Wildman making out. Chakotay says, “What’s going on in here?” Icheb replies, “Wow, it has been a long time for you, huh Commander? You don’t even remember what it looks like...”
Naomi tries to cover, “I wasn’t seducing him, I swear. We were putting together a jigsaw puzzle...” Chakotay looks at them and grimaces and says, “You people make me sick. You’re just a bunch of sinners! Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get my whiskey out of storage. I’m having dinner with the Captain and I plan on getting her drunk and taking advantage of her.”
Icheb shouts as Chakotay leaves, “Let me know how that works for you!!”
Chakotay arrives at Janeway’s quarters. He finds her on the floor, trying to put her replicator back together.
Janeway says, “This damn thing! It’s broken!” Chakotay replies, “Why don’t you just replicate a new one?” Janeway says, “Replicate a replicator?? I don’t even think that’s legal!”
Chakotay says, “You know, I just saw Naomi and Icheb in the Cargo Bay... They were putting a jigsaw puzzle together. Kind of reminds me of watching you put your replicator together.” Janeway says, “How nice for you, Chakotay.” Chakotay then says, “You know... I also saw them making out. Perhaps we should do that, too...”
Janeway says a silent prayer, “Oh God... Please save me. Please give me a Red Alert!”
Suddenly, Mr. Kim pages Janeway and says, “Captain! We’re at Red Alert! There’s a big fat temporal thing off the port bow!”
Janeway feigns disappointment, “Oh, Chuckles. I’m afraid this will bring our fascinating evening to a close. I’d better go the Bridge. You go play with the warp core for a while...”
Chakotay heads down to Engineering and sees the warp core is in really bad shape. Chakotay runs toward the warp core. Torres says, “You know. I’m the Chief Engineer. I know how to handle a warp core. You can go back to the bridge, Chakotay.”
Chakotay growls at her, “Listen, Torres! This is my first storyline since ‘The Fight.’ So don’t you dare try to take it away from me!!!”
Janeway arrives on the Bridge...
Mr. Kim gives her an update, “Captain, we’re approaching the big fat temporal thing. The closer we get to it, the more it threatens to tear us apart!” Janeway says, “Well, have you ever considered not getting closer to it?” Kim replies, “Hey. I hadn’t thought of that!”
Suddenly... ZAP WHAP WHAMMO (as if this were an episode of “Batman") Voyager is hit with several temporal bolts of lightning.
Down in Engineering...
Chakotay shrieks, “My God! The warp core is emitting temporal distortions. I’d better walk towards it and see what happens...”
Just then, Chakotay is zapped by a temporal lightning bolt. Torres looks at the poor sap and says, “You poor sap, if you had a brain you’d be dangerous...”
Chakotay wakes up in Sickbay. The Doctor is standing next to him and whining, “Nobody likes the EMH. They do not respect me. They do not give me a mobile emitter. They don’t know how to deactivate a program when they leave. They never pat me on the back for my amazing accomplishments...”
Chakotay says, “I get the point, Doctor! We’re in the first season!”
The Doctor replies, “Good! Now I had to inject you with a temporal serum to keep you from going out of temporal phase.” Chakotay says, “Okay... What the hell does that mean?” The Doctor replies, “It means you are in temporal phase... And that really turns women on!”
Chakotay says, “Cool! I’m going to the bridge.”
Chakotay arrives on the Bridge. Captain Janeway is in shock, “What the hell are you doing on my ship?” Chakotay replies, “Huh?” Janeway says, “You’re supposed to be in the Badlands. And I’m taking Voyager into the Badlands!”
Chakotay replies, “Aha! This must be the ‘Caretaker’ episode. I understand now. Wait a minute... If this is the time frame when Voyager was still in the Alpha Quadrant, where is the Betazoid helm officer? And where’s that first officer you had?”
Janeway stutters, “Ummmm... Good question. I think they had a dentist appointment! Besides, it’s none of your damn business! Take him the brig!”
Chakotay says, “Wait! Kathryn, listen to me! I am from the future! I need your help to get Voyager back into temporal phase!” Janeway smiles and says, “Sexy! I love guys who are in temporal phase! No, wait! You’re just trying to trick me. Silly Maquis, tricks are for kids!” Chakotay says, “I can prove it! You have a dog named Mark and a fiancée named Molly. Or maybe it’s the other way around...”
Janeway says, “That proves nothing! Tell me something that only I would know.”
Chakotay says, “I’ve got it. You once told me that you usually get your menstrual cycle on the 4th day of the month.”
Janeway says, “Whoa-hoa! You must be telling the truth!”
Suddenly... zappity, zap, zap...
Chakotay finds himself on his way to Engineering. He enters Engineering and sees Seska and about half a million Kazon officers. Seska punches him a few times and says, “How did you get back on this ship?”
Chakotay says, “Aha... The ‘Basics’ episode. Very clever!”
Seska punches him again and says, “Answer my question! What are you doing here??!!” Chakotay says, “Wait just a minute! If I’m really in the ‘Basics’ episode, where’s Culluh? And where’s Suder?!”
Seska stutters, “Um.... Gee, I really don’t know. I think they had a dentist appointment. But quit changing the subject! How did you get here!?”
Luckily, Chakotay breaks free and starts running. And he disappears into another time fracture. He finds himself with “Caretaker” Janeway once again. Janeway says, “There you are! Come on. We’ve got to inject the gel packs with the temporal serum. It’s the only possibility we have of fixing this whole temporal temper tantrum.”
Suddenly... Zapitty, zap, zap...
Janeway and Chakotay find themselves in yet another time frame. They go to the cargo bay and see a whole bunch of Borg drones. Janeway says, “Now what?”
Chakotay replies, “Aha! The ‘Scorpion’ episode. We must talk to Seven of Nine!”
Seven approaches them and says, “What?” Chakotay says, “Wait a minute, Seven of Nine! If this is really the ‘Scorpion’ episode, where is Species 8472? And where is Leonardo DaVinci?” Seven replies, “Hell if I know. I think they had a dentist appointment. Now what do you want?”
Chakotay says, “We need to inject the gel packs in this room with the temporal serum. We have to do the whole temporal phase thing.” Seven replies, “Fine. Whatever. Good luck with that...”
Suddenly... Zappity zap zap...
Janeway and Chakotay find themselves in yet another time frame. They make their way to Astrometrics. When they arrive, they catch an adult Icheb and an adult Naomi Wildman making out.
Chakotay says, “Looks like some things never change...”
Icheb says, “I think you two have been transported into the future!” Janeway says, “Oh yeah? Well if this really is the future, where are the future versions of myself and Chakotay?”
Chakotay says, “Let me guess... Dentist appointment?”
Icheb replies, “Actually... No. You’re both dead.”
Chakotay says, “Oh! Bummer! But we just need to inject the gel packs in this room with the temporal serum. Then we’ll be on our way...” Icheb then says, “By the way Commander... I just wanted to let you know, I never ever told Neelix about where you hid your stash of booze...” Chakotay says, “Awwwww... I appreciate that!” Icheb says, “But I did drink it all!”
Suddenly... Zappity zap zap...
Janeway and Chakotay find themselves in another time frame. They quickly inject some more gel packs with the temporal serum. Suddenly, a huge macrobiotic-looking thing starts heading right for them!
Chakotay says, “Aha! Of course, the ‘Macrocosm’ episode!”
Janeway says, “Well, this is really getting old. How many episodes of Voyager are there?”
Chakotay says, “Well, over a hundred. But look at the bright side, so far we’ve been able to successfully dodge the ‘Threshold’ episode...”
Suddenly... Zappity zap zap...
Janeway and Chakotay find themselves in yet time frame. Janeway says, “Okay... Now I’m starting to hate this. Did you ever see the film Galaxy Quest?” Chakotay replies, “Sure did!” Janeway then says, “Well, this whole thing reminds me of a quote from that film... ‘Whoever wrote this episode should die!!’” Chakotay and Janeway arrive in the mess hall and do a little more temporal serum injecting. Neelix approaches Janeway and says, “Here you go!” Janeway says, “Here you go, what?” Neelix hands Janeway a coffee cup and says, “Coffee... black.”
Just then, Tom rushes up to Janeway and Chakotay and says, “Captain! Tuvok is getting sicker and sicker by the minute!” Janeway gasps, “Tuvok??” Neelix replies, “Don’t you remember him? Vulcan... black.” Janeway rushes to Tuvok. Tuvok is saying, “Captain. I want to let you know that I won’t ever forget you...”
Janeway replies, “And I shall never forget you, Vutok...” Tuvok corrects her, “Tuvok!” Janeway then says, “Whatever...”
Tuvok then continues, “It has been my greatest honor to serve with you and to be your friend. In fact, I must say that you are my very very best friend...” Janeway says, “Why you being so nice to me? You trying to stick me with your katra before you die?”
Just then... Tuvok dies. Janeway bursts into tears and rushes in Chakotay’s arms. Janeway says, “It’s horrible... Just horrible!”
Chakotay says, “Maybe for you... I never really liked him...”
Janeway then says, “Okay. It looks like the only place we have to inject is the Engineering section from the ‘Basics’ episode.” Chakotay says, “Gotcha. We better call for backup.” Janeway says, “This isn’t NYPD Blue, Chakotay.”
Meanwhile... On Seska’s Voyager...
Seska says, “Computer: Locate Maje Culluh and Mr. Suder.” The computer replies, “Neither of them are on board.” Seska says, “Wow. Chakotay was right. That is weird...” The computer then says, “However... I did find Joe Carey!” Seska says, “Do tell, Computer!” The computer replies, “He’s in Jefferies Tube 47. He got locked in there by mistake and starved to death...”
Just then, Chakotay comes barging in and says, “Seska... My love. You are wise and cunning and beautiful. I could never hope to outsmart you. Now just let me inject this magical serum into your realm. And it will fend off the evil aliens from the Eighth Dimension!” Seska says, “Um. Chakotay. I think you’ve got me confused with the Captain Proton thing...” Chakotay says, “Oh man! Is there anything in this world that I can’t screw up?”
Just then... Captain Janeway comes barging in. Along with her are Tom Paris and Harry Kim... And the adult versions of Naomi and Icheb... And the fully Borg Seven of Nine.
As the gang overpowers Seska, Seska says, “Impressive! The gang’s all here. All we’re missing is good old Kes!”
Chakotay replies, “We couldn’t use her this time. I’m afraid she’s gained even more weight since the ‘Fury’ episode. Her presence here would be utterly confusing...”
Seska and the Kazon are thrown into the Brig. Janeway goes into boring speech mode, “When Chakotay gets back to his own time frame, everything will be changed. None of us will remember these experiences. Which is weird, because I still remember all my other time travel experiences. But anyway, I’d just like to thank you all. You are a fine, fine crew.”
Just before Chakotay prepares to return to his own time frame, Janeway corners him and says, “So how’d we get into the Delta Quadrant? And how did my Doctor die? And how come you ruined the Borg? And why did I cut my hair? And what makes you think I always fiddle with my commbadge???”
Chakotay says, “Sorry, Kathryn. I can’t tell you. It would violate the Temporal Prime Directive...”
Janeway says, “Chakotay... You pedantic drone! I just got done saying none of us will remember what we’ve learned. So it doesn’t effect anything if you tell me. So, spill it!”
Chakotay says, “Sorry, Kathryn. I can’t tell you. I can’t remember for the life of me. I think I killed off a few too many brain cells with that vision quest machine of mine...” Janeway then says, “One final question. It seems the two of us grow pretty close in the future. My question is... How close do we become?” Chakotay seizes the opportunity, “Very close, Captain! We’ve been having sex for six years now. So... I really see no problem in the two of us having sex right now!” Janeway says, “Ewww! We can’t! You forget the Temporal Prime Directive...”
They finish their conversation, and Chakotay returns to his own time frame. He does the whole deflector thing and manages to keep Voyager from being fractured by the big fat temporal thing.
“Captain’s Log: Supplemental. I hate pot roast...”
Chakotay joins Janeway for dinner. Chakotay says, “It was an extraordinary experience, Kathryn. I traveled through several points in time. It was quite fascinating.” Janeway is intrigued, “That does sound fascinating. You must tell me all about it!”
Chakotay says, “Sorry. The Temporal Prime Directive forbids me from doing so...”
Janeway is bitter, “Then why’d you even mention it to me in the first place?? ...Schmuck!”
And our time is up for this week’s session...