Nothing could ever stop me from telling my psychotic stories...
Captain Kathryn Janeway enters the office of Sigmund of Freud, the only therapist in the world with shields that adapt to modulating phaser frequencies.
Freud looks at Janeway in shock and says, “Captain! My God! I thought you were...” Janeway interrupts, “The reports of my suicide are greatly exaggerated.” Freud then says, “Damn!” Janeway whines, “What?” Freud covers, “Damn good to see you, Captain. Now I suppose you have yet another allegedly fascinating tale from the Delta Quadrant....”
“Captain’s Log... The final season! Kind of like oregano is the final seasoning in spaghetti. Oh ha ha ha. I crack myself up. We’ve gone to yellow alert after entering a region of space with the following disclaimer: “You are entering a region of psychotic murderers. For God sake’s man, don’t pick up any hitchhikers!". So I have a feeling we’re on the verge of a moral dilemma...”
B’Elanna Torres enters Engineering just humming and singing and all in a good mood. Icheb whispers to Seven, “Looks like somebody got lucky last night...”
Torres walks around to her Engineering employees and beams, “You guys are so good at what you do! I must reward you. I am going to pass out promotions, I am going to pass out commendations. I am going to pass out....”
At this point, B’Elanna passes out. Icheb and Seven come rushing over and Icheb pulls out his Fisher-Price medical tricorder (they won’t let him have a grown-up one for a couple more years). Icheb scans B’Elanna and says, “I think she has a parasite!”
Seven grabs Icheb’s tricorder and throws it across the room and barks, “Oh, Icheb... Grow up! She is obviously pregnant! Knocked-up. With child. Her and Turkey Platter did that baby-making dance!”
Meanwhile... On the bridge...
Mr. Kim says, “Captain! We are getting a priority distress call from a nearby ship!” Janeway says, “Noted.”
Tuvok suggests, “Captain, perhaps we should listen to the distress call?”
Janeway says, “Oh yeah. Throw it on the viewscreen...”
An alien appears and says, “Help! Our warp core is on the verge of breaching and killing us all. Please help us! Please beam our prisoners to your brig and beam me and my fellow guards aboard your ship immediately!”
Janeway whines, “Nobody ever hails us just to say hello. It’s always, ‘Our warp core is breaching’ or ‘Evil aliens are attacking us.’ Fine, beam them aboard, Mr. Tuvok. I’ll go down and meet with these people.”
Meanwhile... In Sickbay...
The Doctor happily reports to Tom and B’Elanna, “Yep! You are definitely pregnant!” Tom says, “Cool deal. Do you know when the baby will be born?” The Doctor replies, “I can’t say for sure. But I have this sneaking suspicion it will be before our final episode.”
B’Elanna asks, “Can you show us what the baby looks like?” The Doctor puts together a holographic and shows it to them. B’Elanna looks at the baby in horror and says, “My God! She has forehead ridges!” Tom says, “What do you expect, B’Elanna? This is the Delta Quadrant. There’s some kind of obscure law that dictates any being in the Delta Quadrant must have a goofy looking forehead.”
Suddenly... B’Elanna goes into flashback mode... Of a camping trip...
“Here B’Elanna... eat this worm!”
“B’Elanna... Nobody likes you because you are Klingon...”
“My Klingon wife and daughter have brought absolute misery to my existence...”
“They used to call me John Snore-z...”
B’Elanna’s flashback is interrupted when she hears Tom say, “I can’t wait until our daughter is born and we can take her camping...”
B’Elanna screams, “Aaaaaaaaaaahh!” And rushes out of Sickbay. In the hall, she bumps into Chakotay who says, “B’Elanna. You have this glow about you. I hear that you’re pregnant!” Torres says, “Yeah.”
Chakotay dramatically says, “B’Elanna... I must know. Is the baby mine?” Torres says, “What???” Chakotay continues, “Don’t you remember, we surrendered to temptation and did the nasty deed back in the ‘Persistence of Vision’ episode?”
Torres says, “Chakotay! That was five years ago... And it was a dream! Not reality!” Chakotay says, “Sorry. I was trying to follow the Captain’s instructions about using continuity whenever possible...”
Meanwhile... in the Brig...
The alien warden meets with Janeway and says, “Captain. I guess I should introduce you to my prisoners. We were taking them to be executed when you saved us. All of my prisoners are deadly serial killers.” Janeway quips, “I hope none of them murdered Captain Crunch... That’s my favorite cereal... A ha ha ha ha ha!”
The warden gives Janeway a very disgusted look and then introduces her to the various prisoners, “This first killer is the very unstable Charles Manson.” Janeway says, “A killer? What turned him into a killer? I thought he was some freaky rock star.” The warden replies, “You’re thinking of Marilyn Manson.” Janeway says, “Oh...”
The warden continues on and says, “This next one is the infamous historical killer, Jack the Ripper.” Janeway is in awe, “Wow! This is a real treat! I just loved you on ‘Three’s Company’!” The warden says, “You’re thinking of Jack Tripper... Not Jack the Ripper...”
Janeway says, “Yikes! I’m 0 for 2 so far!”
The warden then says, “And finally... The most brutal killer of them all. Hannibal ‘The Cannibal’ Lector. Perhaps you’ve read his cookbook, Human Flesh Doesn’t Have to Taste Like Chicken.” Hannibal looks at Janeway and says, “Quid pro quo, Captain.” Janeway replies, “Whatever...” and then she returns to the Bridge.
Meanwhile... on the Holodeck...
Lt. Torres is horrified by the prospect of her daughter having a Klingon appearance. So she begins tinkering with the genetics, “Computer: Remove the following gene sequences.” The Computer replies, “Done. I’m quick, aren’t I? What about the Bugle Boy jeans?”
Torres replies, “She can keep those. Now, I think I’ve handled the Klingon stuff. Let’s see... Computer: Access the baby’s personality gene sequences. Make my baby cool!” The Computer says, “Please elaborate about the coolness factor.”
Torres says, “Make her a big fan of The Cure.”
The Computer replies, “Alteration complete. You can’t get much cooler than that!”
Meanwhile... in the Brig...
Seven of Nine stops by to taunt the prisoners, “Ha ha. I bet you wish you weren’t behind those force fields. Hee hee hee!” Dr. Lector responds, “Quid pro quo, Seven of Nine.” Seven says, “Huh?” Dr. Lector then says, “Seven, I’ve been doing some thinking. I may be able to purge myself of homicidal tendencies if you can loan me some of your nanoprobes.” Seven says, “Sorry. I ran out of nanoprobes towards the end of the fifth season. I had to use them to save Voyager from destruction a few hundred times...”
Dr. Lector then says, “Seven. You can still hear the screaming, can’t you? The horrible, haunting screaming of the Borg...” Seven says, “The Borg do not scream.” Dr. Lector replies, “Oh, I assure you. The ones that I killed and ate were certainly screaming.” Seven then says, “Oh.” Seven then has a change of heart and says, “Okay, Dr. Lector. I may have a few leftover nanoprobes to help you out with.”
Seven begins pounding her head against the wall until a couple of nanoprobes fall out of her ear. Seven picks up the nanoprobes and hands them to Dr. Lector and says, “Here...” Dr. Lector then says, “Quid pro quo, Seven. Those nanoprobes were on the floor. They’re dirty!”
Seven says, “Too bad! By the way, if you say that stupid ‘Pro Quo Squid Whatever’ thing again, I will break a few of your bones.”
Meanwhile... In Sickbay...
The Doctor says, “No way, Torres! I am not going to alter your baby’s genetic structure!” Torres says, “Whatever you say Doc... Heh heh heh.” With that, Torres begins tapping away on the computer and alters the Doctor’s program. Torres then says to him, “Are you sure you don’t want to alter my baby’s genetic structure?” The Doctor says, “Whatever gave you that idea! I’d be more than happy to help!”
Torres says, “I knew you’d see it my way! But first, I could use a good foot massage...” The Doctor says, “No way! That is not a part of my programming!” Torres begins tapping away at the computer again and then says, “Are you sure about the foot massage?” The Doctor says, “Are you kidding!? Not only will I give you a foot massage... But I’ll even lick your toes clean!”
Torres says, “Ewww!”
Meanwhile... in the Brig...
Dr. Lector says, “Oh, Seven! Your nanoprobes cured me. I am no longer a psychopathic mass murderer. I’m done with eating human beings. In fact, I think I’ll become a vegetarian!” Seven says, “I’m so glad I could help!” Dr Lector asks, “Is there anything I could possibly do to thank you for all this?” Seven winks and says, “You ever hear of a conjugal visit...?”
Suddenly... Janeway’s voice booms on the intercom, “Attention please. We are approaching the Execution Homeworld. Prepare to transport the aliens to the planet for their death.”
Seven says, “Oh no! You no longer deserve to die, Dr. Lector! I’m going to try to get the Captain to see how you’ve reformed. Maybe they won’t execute you after all...” Seven leaves and goes rushing toward the Bridge...
Meanwhile... In Sickbay...
Mr. Paris comes rushing in just as the Doctor is about to begin the procedure on B’Elanna. Tom yells, “Doctor, stop! B’Elanna has been manipulating your program!” The Doctor is shocked and says, “Even the part where B’Elanna had me tickle her ass with a feather?” Paris says, “I’m afraid so...”
The Doctor says, “Well... I kind of enjoyed that part. But I’ll give you two a chance to scream at each other. Excuse me.” And the Doctor deactivates himself.
Paris screams at B’Elanna, “How dare you try to alter our baby?!” Torres screams back, “I had to do it... For our baby’s own good!” Paris screams, “No dice! We will not be doing any altering to our baby! ...Except making her like The Cure. That part can stay...”
Torres then yells, “Stop telling me what to do! You aren’t my father!” Paris says, “I should hope not. Or else this baby of ours would probably be born with two heads...”
Torres says, “Sorry. I was setting things up for another flashback. About the time I screamed at my father...”
“Stop tell me what to do! You aren’t my father! Oh wait. Yes you are. What I meant to say is, if you don’t like living with us then why don’t you just leave!!!”
Torres then says, “And that’s exactly what happened. He left... Twelve days later. And I’ve never seen him since!” Paris says, “Oh, B’Elanna. You must not blame yourself. It’s not your fault! He didn’t leave just because you told him to...” Torres says, “But I’m the one who helped him pack. I was even the one who drove him to the airport!” Paris then says, “Oh. In that case, I guess it was your fault...”
Torres then whines, “And I’m afraid you’re going to leave me as soon as our Klingon daughter is born!” Paris says, “Where the hell am I going to go? I will never leave you, B’Elanna. As long as you let me have my mistresses on the holodeck, our marriage will survive...”
Torres smiles and says, “Come here, you big lug!” And the two of them embrace...
Meanwhile... On the Bridge...
Seven says, “Captain! Please reconsider! You have to let Dr. Lector have immunity on this ship!” Janeway says, “Seven! The answer is no! How many times do I have to tell you??” Seven replies, “47.”
Janeway says, “Fine! No, no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no!”
Seven says, “Okay, I’m satisfied. You can hand over the prisoners now!”
Meanwhile... Back in Sickbay...
Torres says to the Doctor, “I’m so sorry I violated your program.” The Doctor says, “What are you talking about?” Torres says, “Whoops. Maybe I deleted too much when I fixed your program...” The Doctor says, “You know, B’Elanna. I think you owe me one. I know you’re on a bit of a guilt trip and I know how to put your mind at ease. You should make me the baby’s godfather!”
Torres says, “Sorry. We already found a godfather... Marlon Brando. Ba dum bum! Wooo-hooo! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
The Doctor growls, “Get out of my Sickbay... now!”
Hours later... in Astrometrics...
Janeway visits Seven of Nine. Seven says, “Don’t tell me, Dr. Lector has been executed, hasn’t he?”
Janeway says, “No! On the contrary! He was strapped into the electric chair. They were ready to zap him into a strip of bacon. But at the very last minute, the victim’s family decided that the conviction should be overturned! And so they let Dr. Lector go!”
Seven says, “Oh, that’s wonderful, wonderful news!”
Janeway says, “Unfortunately, just as he was leaving the courthouse, he was hit by a bus and killed instantly.”
Seven says, “Oh. That stinks! Do you think we can get my nanoprobes back from him.....?”