Chapter 19: “The False Profit Prophecy”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published February 10, 2001
As I lapse further into dementia...
Captain Kathryn Janeway comes storming into the office of her Borg therapist, Sigmund of Freud. She grabs the doctor by the throat, picks him up, throws him across the room, kicks him in the ribs and shouts, “It’s time for my therapy!!” Freud whimpers, “Did you forget to take your pill this morning, Captain?” Janeway’s voice booms, “I did!! I shall take it now!!”
Five minutes later...
Janeway coos, “I just love you, Dr. Freud. You’re a very handsome man. Now let me humor you with another brilliantly bogus tale from the Delta Quadrant...”
“Captain’s Log: Only ten more episodes until Voyager’s season finale. God, I just hate that UPN countdown crap. Anyway, we are cruising along at one quarter impulse power. You know... It occurs to me, maybe if we travel at warp more often, it wouldn’t take 70 years to get home. I’ll have to ask Engineering about that...”
Suddenly, Janeway’s log entry is interrupted by a barrage of torpedo hits. Janeway storms to the bridge and whines, “You know... Just once, I’d like to finish a log entry!” Chakotay says, “But Captain... It’s Wednesday! Things always start getting juicy on Wednesdays. Just like the Borg have a tendency of showing up in late May...”
Janeway says, “Well, what’s going on?” Tuvok says, “Shields at 81%!! We are being attacked by a Klingon warship... They keep decloaking!” Janeway yells, “What?! What are the Klingons doing here? ...In the Delta Quadrant? ...On a school night?” Tuvok says, “Shields at 65%!”
Janeway asks, “Is there any way to disable that Klingon ship?” Mr. Kim suggests, “Well, what about all the equipment we’re carrying to catalog gaseous anomalies? The thing’s got to have a tailpipe!” Janeway says, “Mr. Kim! We don’t have any such equipment! Now if you want to do your Uhura imitation, stick with ‘Hailing frequencies open,’ all right?”
Chakotay suggests, “I know! If we trigger a low-level ionic pulse, it will damage their defective plasma coil and trigger their cloaking device!!” Janeway says, “I got news for you Chakotay... They’re already cloaked!” Chakotay says, “Oh yeah...”
The Klingons fire again. Tuvok reports, “Shields at 44%!!” Janeway pages Astrometrics and says, “Seven... Have you got any ideas?”
Seven replies, “Well Ensign Kim’s incredibly stupid tailpipe idea got me thinking... I have determined that the Klingon’s have a broken muffler. I am transmitting the frequency to Mr. Tuvok. I would fire the torpedoes myself... But Mr. Tuvok refuses to let anybody else fire torpedoes. He’s on a bit of a torpedo ego trip. Think of all the time I could have saved by firing the torpedoes myself. But God forbid anybody but Mr. ‘Photon Torpedo Power Hungry’ Tuvok fire any torpedoes... But I’m not bitter. Really...”
Tuvok then says, “I have the frequency! Firing the Tuvok Torpedoes!” Mr. Kim says, “The Klingons have been disabled. They are hailing us.” The Klingon appears on screen and says, “Grrrrr!! I am Captain Kolar! We will never surrender to sworn enemies of the Klingon Empire... You silly twit!” Janeway says, “Oh, you misguided Klingon putz! The Federation and the Klingons are at peace.” Kolar growls, “You lie!” Janeway says, “I can prove it! Mr. Kim... Transmit The Undiscovered Country to the Klingon ship!”
One hour and 47 minutes later...
The Klingons hail Voyager again and say, “You speak the truth! Although, I find it odd that there are Klingons with British accents...” Janeway says, “If you wish to beam aboard. You can meet our Klingon chief engineer.” Kolar says, “Very well!”
A short time later...
Janeway takes Kolar into the briefing room where Torres is waiting. Kolar gasps, “My God! You are with child! Knocked up! You’ve done that sleazy baby-making shimmy!” Torres says, “That’s right! And no... You can’t be the godfather!” Kolar then says, “Wait! Did you become pregnant during the Holy Month of Kaholthachavokatorishamolaristya?” Torres says, “I don’t even know what that is!”
Kolar then holds up three fingers and says, “How many fingers am I holding up?” Torres replies, “Three.” Kolar says, “My god! She is pregnant with the Havotlsakathariozioviskyara!” Torres asks, “The what!?” Kolar replies, “The really cool Klingon Savior Baby!”
Kolar rushes back to his ship to speak with the other Klingons...
Kolar turns to one of them and says, “Listen to me... she will deliver the Klingon Savior Baby!” The Klingon asks, “How do you know that?” Kolar explains, “B’Elanna Torres has fulfilled the ancient scrolls. The mother will know the number of the blessings from the ancient house of Schlaoraktveakor! When I held up three fingers on my hand, B’Elanna knew that was how many blessings there were... In a roundabout kind of way...”
The Klingon then says, “That proves nothing!”
Kolar then says, “The scrolls say that the mother will emerge from the 13th House from of Hraolathizaoa! Well, B’Elanna Torres sometimes goes to the Mess Hall. The Mess Hall is on Deck Two. Voyager has 15 decks! 15 minus 2 equals... 13!” The Klingon growls, “I think you’re pushing it there, pal...” Kolar then says, “I assure you, B’Elanna’s child is the Klingon Savior Baby. Now let’s activate the self-destruct sequence so Janeway will beam us aboard her ship!”
Meanwhile... On Voyager’s Bridge...
Tuvok shouts, “Shields at 100%!!” Janeway says, “Thank you, Tuvok.” Tuvok shrugs, “Well, I figured nobody ever really announces that...”
Suddenly, the Klingon ship hails Voyager. Kolar screams, “Captain! Our warp core is about to breach! You must beam us aboard at once!” Janeway says, “Oh, I’m sorry. There’s just not enough room...” Kolar shouts, “But we will die!” Janeway says, “We’ve all got to go sometime...”
Chakotay whispers, “Captain. We’re really really close to Earth. Starfleet Command probably would frown upon you letting 200 Klingons die in space.” Janeway shouts, “Fine! I hate politically correct crap! Beam the Klingons to the shuttlebay!”
Hours later... in the shuttlebay...
Captain Kolar turns to his people and says, “I have good news. B’Elanna Torres has agreed to come down here and meet you all. She will prove to you that she is carrying the Klingon Savior Baby.”
Just then, the turbolift doors open, and Torres and Paris emerge from the turbolift. The Cranky Klingon looks at them and says, “Whoa! This woman is the one you say is carrying the Klingon Savior Baby? That woman is a mongrel!” Paris shouts, “Hey buddy! That’s my wife you’re talking about!” Cranky Klingon then says, “And this is the father of our so-called Klingon Savior Baby?? ...This skinny white boy?”
Captain Kolar says, “Please! Let me remind you what the scrolls say. The scrolls say that the mother of the Klingon Savior Baby will appear from a higher place! And didn’t you all just see B’Elanna Torres emerge from the turbolift... Which brought her from a higher place on the ship?” Cranky Klingon says, “Oh, please. That’s really getting old!”
Meanwhile... On another deck...
Tuvok enters his quarters and finds Mr. Neelix making himself at home. Tuvok says, “Excuse me? What are you doing in my quarters?” Neelix says, “Good news, Mr. Vulcan. I’m going to be your roomie!” Tuvok says, “Bad news, Schmuck-Face... You’re mistaken.”
Neelix says, “But Tuvok! I just gave my own quarters away to a Klingon family. I can’t just kick them out!” Tuvok growls, “Fine. I guess you can stay here. But I must remind you, I only have this one bed.” Neelix smiles and says, “I know. I’m very anxious to hear if that myth is true about Vulcans...” Tuvok says, “Oh my, Neelix. We do need to get you laid. Tell you what, go flirt with some of the Klingon females for a while...”
Neelix smiles and says, “Tuvok, you naughty boy.” With that, Neelix slaps Tuvok on the butt and leaves his quarters.
Tuvok smiles and says, “Hmmm... Indeed.”
Meanwhile... In the Captain’s ready room...
Captain Kolar says, “This isn’t working out. They aren’t buying the scrolls routine.”
Janeway suggests, “Perhaps you can forge some new scrolls. Create one that says the mother of the Klingon savior baby will serve on board a Federation starship with an incredibly good-looking and well-curved female captain.” Kolar says, “Yes, but where would we find such a starship?”
Just then, Cranky Klingon comes barging in and says, “I have had it with you people. I’ve just examined some more of the scrolls. And it says that if the father of the so-called Klingon Savior Baby is a skinny white boy, then he must prove himself on the field of battle!”
Tom panics, “He means me, doesn’t he??!!”
Cranky Klingon says, “That’s right! Do you accept my challenge? Or are you... chicken?” Paris lays an egg and says, “Ummmmm... of course not!” Cranky Klingon then says, “Good! Then I will see you on the field of battle... Or Holodeck Two!”
Meanwhile... Neelix runs into Harry, who is running through the halls.
Harry says, “Oh God Neelix, you’ve got to help me! There is this scary Klingon female and she wants my body!” Neelix asks, “Why?” Harry replies, “Because I’m all man... All the time! Now you’ve got to help me!”
Suddenly... the Scary Klingon Female catches up to both of them...
Harry says, “Please! Leave me alone! I will not be your sexual plaything!” Scary Klingon Female laughs uncontrollably and says, “Oh please! I’ve just been chasing after you because you dropped your wallet!” Scary Klingon Female hands Harry his wallet and Harry says, “Oh... Thanks.” And Harry runs off sobbing.
Neelix then says, “Don’t you worry my dear, I will be happy to be your sexual plaything...” Scary Klingon Female looks at him and says, “Nah. Sorry. You just don’t have what I’m looking for. I’m afraid I have a Ferengi fetish.”
Scary Klingon Female walks away and the light bulb goes off on Neelix’s head.
Neelix rushes to Sickbay and says, “Doctor! Doctor, you’ve got to help me! I need you to help me put on my Ferengi disguise again. Like from the ‘False Profits’ episode!” The Doctor says, “But Neelix, that was easily our worst episode. Are you sure you want to take such drastic measures?”
Neelix says, “Doctor! This may be my only chance of getting some nookie... ever!” The Doctor says, “I see your point. Follow me.”
Meanwhile... On the Holodeck...
The grudge match begins. Cranky Klingon begins swinging his bat’leth at Tom. Tom starts running around the Holodeck screaming like a little sissy boy. Cranky Klingon says, “Stand still... I want to massacre you!” Tom replies, “No! I am running because I don’t want to be massacred!”
Tuvok mumbles, “A logical course of action.”
Suddenly, Cranky Klingon collapses. Tom goes rushing over to him and says, “Well, looks like you can’t take me on the battlefield!” Tom begins kicking the unconscious Klingon shouting, “Who’s the man, huh? Who’s the man?!!” The Doctor rushes Cranky Klingon to Sickbay. He begins running scans. Captain Kolar explains, “This man has Troxikathorpacroafathor.”
The Doctor says, “Huh?” Kolar replies, “Yucky Klingon Disease.” The Doctor gasps, “Is it contagious?” Kolar says, “Only to Klingons.” The Doctor quickly scans B’Elanna and says, “Oh no. Lt. Torres, I’m afraid you have contracted the disease.” Torres turns to Kolar and says, “Well... Thanks a lot!” Kolar says, “You’re welcome. Oh wait, you’re being sarcastic, aren’t you?”
The Doctor reviews his scans and says, “Wait! I may have found a medical plot hole to conveniently solve this quandary!”
A few hours later...
Cranky Klingon awakes in Sickbay and says, “Why aren’t I in Sto’vo’kor?” Janeway says, “Nobody here even knows who to spell that!” Cranky Klingon says, “Dead! Why aren’t I dead?” The Doctor explains, “It was B’Elanna’s unborn child. I introduced a parametric phase induced quantum isodynamic modulation into the Klingon DNA, which allowed the...”
Janeway says, “Doctor!!”
The Doctor says, “Magic. It was magic.” Cranky Klingon changes his tune, “B’Elanna’s child is the Klingon Savior Baby after all!” Captain Kolar says, “I always knew you’d come around, Cranky Klingon...” Cranky Klingon then says, “Can I get a new name now?”
“Captain’s Log: Supplemental. The Klingons have begun beaming down to a new planet. I sure hope we made sure this new planet had oxygen. Yeah, pretty sure we did. I’ve ordered all decks to be flooded with Glade air fresheners, and life is slowly returning to normal on board this happy little ship.”
Meanwhile... Tuvok tries to enter his quarters...
He finally says, “Computer, open these doors: Authorization Override: Tuvok Alpha Gamma 47 Omega Beta 47 Gamma Prime.” The computer replies, “Haven’t you people ever heard of keys??”
Just then, the doors open and Tuvok watches Scary Female Klingon and Ferengi-Neelix quickly putting on their clothes. Neelix says, “I’m so sorry about the mess, Mr. Tuvok. I promise to come back and clean it up...” Tuvok says, “Don’t bother. Just get out of my quarters.”
Neelix then says, “Okay... But just a little word of advice. Before you go to bed, you’d probably better wash the sheets.... A lot!”