Chapter 20: “The Night of the Living Void”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published February 24, 2001
Captain Kathryn Janeway arrives to the office of her Borg therapist, Sigmund of Freud. And she’s buck naked. Dr. Freud surmises, “We forgot to take our pill again, didn’t we?” Janeway replies, “So I did!”
Dr. Freud then says, “No problem, I can still hypnotize you for this week’s therapy session. And the money I get from the Polaroids will be fantastic!”
Paris, Torres, Janeway and Chakotay are sitting down to dinner. Seven of Nine is preparing the meal. She’s slaving over the charcoal barbecue, wearing an apron that reads “Kiss the Cook.” She grabs a bunch of hamburgers, throws them on the table and says, “Here... Eat.”
Paris looks at his incredibly charred burger and says, “Seven, I can’t eat this. It’s burned to a crisp!” Seven replies, “Ummmmm... Burning the meat is the best way to avoid food poisoning. Now eat! Nobody’s getting up from this table until your plates are clean!” Chakotay mutters under his breath, “Well, she certainly won’t be getting a tip...” Seven growls, “How about I just tip your ass over??” Janeway asks, “Seven, why are you so crabby?” Seven replies, “Forgive me, Captain. I just haven’t had sex in... well, ever!”
Suddenly, Voyager starts to shake and shimmy. Janeway yells, “Janeway to Bridge... Report!!” Mr. Kim bitterly says, “Don’t worry about it, Captain. You just eat your fancy schmancy dinner... the one I wasn’t invited to!” Tuvok interrupts, “Captain. We are being pulled in by some sort of graviton thing.” Janeway says, “Understood... We are on our way!”
The crew rushes out of the Mess Hall. Tom whines, “But I didn’t even get to eat anything!”
Just then Voyager, is sucked through a vortex-looking thing. In the Mess Hall, Neelix looks out the window and says, “Hey! Where are the stars? This must be a really really low-budget episode!”
Meanwhile... on the Bridge...
An alien vessel continues to fire on Voyager. Tuvok shouts, “Shields at 45%!” Janeway says, “Hail them, Mr. Tuvok!” Tuvok says, “Hail the shields?” Janeway yells, “No, you pedantic drone! Hail the aliens!!”
Tuvok says, “Captain, we’ve been trying to hail them for nearly ten minutes... I just keep getting their voice mail.”
Suddenly, all kinds of things are beamed off Voyager. Food, supplies, toilet paper, you name it. Then, the alien vessel jumps to warp. Janeway says, “I want a damage report!”
Tuvok says, “Our shields are still at 45%.” Janeway asks, “Then how the hell could they have beamed stuff of Voyager?” Tuvok replies, “Don’t look at me... I’m not writing this slop!” Mr. Kim then announces, “Captain! I have a full list of the stolen items. They have stolen nearly all of our food, some kind of technobabble thing from Engineering, Chakotay’s porn... And your panties, Captain!”
Chakotay sobs, “Not my ‘Big and Busty Collection’!!”
Janeway says, “Those bastards!”
Just then, another ship approaches Voyager and hails them. An alien appears on the screen and says, “Greetings! I am Smooth Talking Alien. And welcome to The Void!” Janeway says, “The Void? My God, we have to get back to normal space!” Chakotay ponders, “What is normal, anyway?”
Malcolm McDowell makes a brief appearance and says, “Normal is what everyone else is and you are not...”
Janeway says, “Never mind that now. We are going to escape this Void... Now!” Smooth Talking Alien replies, “It will never work.” Janeway says, “Oh yeah, what makes you say that?” Smooth Talking Alien replies, “Look at the clock, Janeway. You’re only ten minutes into the show!” Janeway says, “To hell with the clock! Mr. Paris, set a course out of here, warp nine!”
Paris asks, “Just making sure... Nine is the number that comes after eight, right?”
A few moments later... Voyager tries warping out of the Void... But with no luck.
Janeway screams, “Damage report!!!” Tuvok replies, “Everything! Everything is damaged. That had to be the stupidest idea you ever had, Captain...” Janeway bitterly replies, “Actually... My stupidest idea was taking on a smart-ass Vulcan as the tactical officer.”
Chakotay then says, “Captain... I will run a scan for Malon ships.” Janeway says, “What for?” Chakotay replies, “You said we were in the Void. And we know that the Malon like to play in The Void...” Janeway rolls her eyes and says, “Oh Chakotay. Quit boring me with your continuity. That was a void. Now we are in The Void. You can’t see the obvious difference?”
Meanwhile... The Doctor rushes to Neelix’s quarters...
The Doctor says, “Neelix... Neelix! My God, are you all right?” Neelix replies, “Never better. Why?” The Doctor says, “But what about your Nihilophobia? You know... your fear of nothingness? Neelix says, “I don’t have a clue what you are talking about!” The Doctor says, “But we’re in The Void! You do know what a Void is, don’t you Neelix? It’s that big space inside of your head!”
With that, the Doctor storms out. He returns to Sickbay and Janeway pages him and says, “We’ve detected a Mute Alien. We are beaming him to Sickbay.” The Doctor tries examining the Mute Alien. Then Seven and the Captain arrive. The Doctor says, “This alien is obviously very very hungry.” Seven says, “Computer... Give this Mute Alien my food rations for the day.” Janeway says, “Awwww... Seven. That was really really nice of you...” Seven replies, “You know Captain, perhaps you should donate your food rations as well. It wouldn’t hurt you to lose a few pounds...” Janeway says, “Awwwww... Seven. You are confined to the Brig until further notice...”
Janeway returns to the Bridge and Chakotay says, “Good news Captain. I just ran a full scan... And there are no Malon ships here at all!” Janeway says, “Why did you run those scans when I specifically told you not to?” Chakotay stutters, “Ummmm... I forgot?” Janeway barks, “Stand in the corner!”
A few hours later...
“Captain’s Log: A few hours later. I am trying to forge an alliance with some other ships here in The Void. The rules I laid out are very simple: No stealing other ships resources, no unprovoked attacks, no TV after 10 PM, and all the people in the alliance must refer to me as ‘That Damn Fine-Looking Woman.’ Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to get many people to join forces with us yet...”
Janeway meets up with Alien Number Three. Janeway says, “Okay, you don’t have to call me ‘That Damn Fine-Looking Woman’... Now will you please join our alliance?” Alien Number Three responds, “What’s in it for us?” Janeway replies, “We will give you food and medical supplies. Is there anything else you’d like?” Alien Number Three says, “Well, we’d like to see a wine list.”
Meanwhile... In the Mess Hall...
Neelix has prepared a romantic dinner for Tom and B’Elanna. Neelix sadly reports, “I’m afraid I’m not allowed to light the candle. It would be a waste of oxygen.” B’Elanna replies, “Oh please, Neelix! You are the biggest waste of oxygen on the ship...”
The two of them sit down to dinner when suddenly, Voyager starts to shake and shimmy once again. Janeway gets on the intercom and says, “All officers, report to the Bridge at once!” Tom and B’Elanna rush out off the Mess Hall. Tom whines, “I still haven’t had any dinner yet!”
Tom arrives at the Bridge and yells, “Report!!” Janeway says, “Hey! That’s my line!” Tuvok says, “The evil Void aliens are firing upon a new ship that has arrived.” From the corner, Chakotay mutters, “It’s probably the Malon.” Tuvok says, “No! Why, it’s the aliens from the ‘Tinker Tenor Doctor Spy’ episode!”
Janeway says, “We must protect them. Fire at the evil Void aliens!” Then Tuvok says, “Wait! Here comes Alien Number Three! He’s fighting off the Evil Void aliens. They must want to join our alliance!” Janeway growls, “You presume to much, you pedantic drone. Hail Alien Number Three!” Alien Number Three appears on screen and says, “We have decided to join your alliance.” Janeway beams, “Just as I suspected!”
Meanwhile... in Sickbay...
A whole bunch of Mute Aliens are in Sickbay now. Seven arrives and The Doctor says, “Guess what, Seven? I’ve taught them how to communicate with musical tones.” Seven says, “This isn’t Close Encounters of the Third Kind...” The Doctor says, “I disagree. Only ten minutes ago, I built a tower out of mashed potatoes!”
Seven says, “Well, do any of these aliens have a name?”
The Doctor says, “Yes... I have named this one after a character from my favorite opera. I have named him Victor.” Seven says, “Huh? I don’t remember any operas with a character named Victor...” The Doctor says, “He’s from the best opera ever... Days of our Lives.”
The aliens keep chattering away with their new language. Janeway walks into Sickbay and all she hears is, “Bleepty blip blip tweep tweet blip bleep bleep.”
Janeway says, “I’ve wandered into a Sega game...”
A few hours later... Janeway’s alliance has grown even stronger. The latest addition is Back-Stabbing Alien, who has a reputation of being, well, a back-stabber.
Janeway says, “So you will help us get out of The Void?” Back-Stabbing Alien replies, “You can count on me, Captain!” Torres says, “I think we can get out of The Void. But we’ll need some technobabble.” Janeway says, “Specifically?” Torres says, “A multi-phasic quantum isometric polaron pulse generator to create an inverse conflux of recursion matrix particles.” Janeway says, “And I take it there isn’t a nearby Wal-Mart to obtain one from?” Back-Stabbing Alien then says, “Heh heh heh... Excuse me, Captain. I think I left the iron on. I have to go back to my ship for a bit...”
A few hours later...
Janeway is roaming the halls when she bumps into The Doctor and the Mute Aliens who are still chattering away, “Bleepty blip blip tweep tweet blip bleep bleep.” Janeway growls, “That is really getting annoying! Why couldn’t you teach them sign language instead!” The Doctor says, “Well, the Mute Aliens tell me they’ve already learned some sign-language.” Janeway says, “Good!”
With that, The Mute Aliens flip off Captain Janeway and start running down the hall. Janeway starts chasing them in order to kick some Mute Alien ass, when B’Elanna pages her and says, “Good news, Captain, we have obtained the technobabble device!”
Janeway rushes to Engineering and says, “How did you ever get your hands on such a thing?” Back-Stabbing Alien replies, “We stole it from the Bad Luck Aliens. We destroyed their vessel and stole their technobabble device!” Janeway is shocked and says, “How could you???” Back-Stabbing Alien replies, “Hey. They were the same aliens that stole your panties!”
Janeway says, “Oh, well I guess they deserved it...” Back-Stabbing Alien then says, “This is the part where we stab you in the back. Nothing personal, we just have a reputation to protect...” With that, the Back-Stabbing Alien takes his technology and leaves Voyager. Janeway laments, “Now we will never get out of The Void!”
Janeway begins returning the bridge and once again she runs into The Doctor and the Mute Aliens. Still with the same old song, “Bleepty blip blip tweep tweet blip bleep bleep...” Janeway growls, “That’s it! I’ve had it! Doctor, I want these people off my ship... Now!!”
The Doctor says, “But they have a plan for us to escape The Void!” Janeway quickly changes her tune and says, “Make sure you tell them that I think they are all incredibly sexy, too!”
A short time later... Janeway returns to the Bridge...
Janeway hears a loud rumbling sound. She asks, “Where is that sound coming from?” From the corner, Chakotay suggests, “It must be the Malon!” Tom says, “No, it’s my stomach... I still haven’t had any food!” Janeway says, “Never mind that now! We are getting out of here. Mr. Tuvok, beam the Mute Aliens to the Evil Alien ships!” From the corner, Chakotay grumbles, “Don’t forget the Malon ships...”
Janeway shouts, “Will you shut up about the Malon?? Now Tom, when I give the order, take us to warp!” Tom says, “Okay... warp speed is this big red button, right?” Mr. Kim then announces, “The Mute Aliens have disabled the evil alien ships!” Janeway’s voice booms, “Excellent!” Mr. Kim then says, “The evil aliens are now executing the Mute Aliens!” Janeway’s voice booms, “Excellent!!.... Um, I mean... Pity...” The exit to normal space opens up. Janeway says, “Cool... Normal space! Warp speed now, Mr. Paris!”
Voyager and the other alliance ships jump to warp and successfully escape The Void. All is well for our heroes.
“Captain’s Log, Supplemental. The alliance worked together and we’ve escaped the Void. It was almost like being in the Federation again. However, the real Federation is only 30,000 light years away. At least it is this week. Next week it might be 35,000 light years away. Mr. Paris has collapsed from malnutrition and will be in intensive care for the next few weeks. I have let Chakotay out of the corner and I am making him write a thousand word essay about not mentioning the Malon ever again.”
Meanwhile, in Chakotay’s quarters, Chakotay is typing away, “I will never mention the Malon again. I am very sorry I mentioned the Malon. How sorry am I? I am very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very....”