Janeway’s Therapy, Chapter 22: “May the Workforce Be With You”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published March 4, 2001
By the way... The Victor Kiriakis joke won’t make the slightest bit of sense unless you watch Days of Our Lives. ☺
Kathryn Janeway runs sobbing into the office of the learned Borg therapist, Sigmund of Freud. Freud asks, “Goodness, Kathryn. What’s wrong with you?” Janeway replies, “I had a horrible, horrible nightmare!” Freud says, “Was it that recurring dream where you are running through a cornfield, being chased by Alice from The Brady Bunch, and she is threatening to spank you?”
Janeway says, “No!”
Freud says, “Oh, sorry. That’s my recurring dream. Well, tell me about your dream, dear...”
On a far away Work-Related planet...
Kathryn Janeway exits an elevator and looks around and says, “Look at these fancy special effects... Impressive!” Janeway begins rushing to her assigned duty post. A female says to her, “You are late! What is your excuse??” Janeway turns to the woman and says, “I was enjoying the fancy special effects. And who are you, anyway?”
The woman replies, “I am Annika Hansen. Don’t ask me why they brainwashed me to use this name instead of Seven of Nine, I can’t explain it. But anyway, I am your boss now. And I will not permit tardiness! We will deduct this time from your paycheck!” Janeway says, “But I didn’t think money existed in the 24th Century...”
Annika growls, “Just shut up and go punch in... You pedantic drone!”
Janeway thinks to herself, “Why does that sound so familiar?”
Annika leaves and a man approaches Janeway and says, “Don’t mind her... She’s just grouchy because she can’t be the star of this episode. My name is Jaffen.” Janeway replies, “I am Kathryn Janeway... The new data entry clerk.” Jaffen says, “Impressive! I am in charge of putting things in alphabetical order. I hope you like it here.” Janeway says, “Me too. I’m sure I will like it much better than my last job.”
Jaffen asks, “What was your last job?”
Janeway replies, “Crack whore...”
Meanwhile... on the only remaining Voyager shuttlecraft...
Kim turns to Chakotay and Neelix and says, “We better hurry up and get back to Voyager.” Chakotay asks, “Why the rush?” Kim replies, “Oh come on, Chakotay! Shuttlecraft missions are the kiss of death! Can you remember a single shuttlecraft mission that didn’t include a disaster befalling the shuttlecraft crew, or the rest of the Voyager crew?”
Chakotay says, “My God man! You’re right! Increase our speed to maximum!!” Kim says, “Well, we are already at maximum speed.” Chakotay growls, “Then what the hell was the point of giving me this coronary... Worrying about the Voyager crew?”
A short time later... The trio arrives on Voyager... And they can’t find anybody...
Neelix asks, “What do you think happened to them?” Chakotay answers, “Don’t worry about it, Neelix. I’m sure they’re all hiding. They’re throwing us a surprise party to welcome us back.” Kim says, “Doubtful. We are the three least popular characters.”
Just then, The Doctor comes rushing up to the three of them. Chakotay says, “Hey now! Why you wearing that red shirt? Are the washing machines off line or something?” The Doctor replies, “On the contrary! I have been reactivated to become...The Emergency Command Hologram!! (insert music fanfare)
Chakotay asks, “Well what happened to the crew?”
Begin flashback mode...
Janeway rushes to Sickbay and says, “Doctor! We need your help at once!” The Doctor excitedly says, “You need me to turn into the ECH?” Janeway replies, “Yes! But first, there is some spilled coffee in my quarters. Computer: Activate The Emergency Janitorial Hologram.”
The Doctor’s blue uniform turns into a grey uniform and he says, “Please state the nature of the spill or stain.”
Janeway says, “Wait! No time for this. Me and the rest of the crew must abandon ship. And I’m putting you in charge of the ship. Computer: Activate the ECH!”
The Doctor’s grey uniform turns into a red uniform and he says, “Don’t worry Captain! You can count on me!”
End flashback mode...
The Doctor has finished his story and says, “I know what happened to Janeway and the others, they’ve been sent to do labor duty on a nearby planet!” Chakotay says, “There couldn’t be that many pregnant females on that planet...” The Doctor growls, “Not that kind of labor. Can you at least pretend like you have a brain?”
Meanwhile... on the Work-Related planet...
Tom Paris is working as a bartender at a pub. It is the hangout for brainwashed laborers. B’Elanna Torres sits down at a table and bursts into tears. Tom goes rushing over to her and says, “Ma’am... Ma’am! I have to ask you to leave! You’re ruining the very concept of Happy Hour!” B’Elanna says, “I’m sorry. But I’m pregnant and it can produce wild mood swings...”
Tom says, “Ahhhh. Wild Mood Swings. An excellent Cure album. But anyway, you should talk to the baby’s father. Maybe he can cheer you up...” B’Elanna says, “I wish I could. But I don’t know who the father is.”
Tom whispers under his breath, “Slut.”
B’Elanna continues, “To tell you the truth, I can’t even remember getting pregnant...”
Tom whipsers under his breath, “Alcoholic slut...”
Suddenly, Tuvok comes storming into the pub yelling, “This isn’t right!! This isn’t right!! I am not supposed to be here!” Tom rushes over and says, “Calm down, buddy. I’m sure we can find you a seat in the non-smoking section.” Tuvok says, “That’s not what I mean! They’ve been messing with our brains!”
Just then a doctor comes in and sedates Tuvok and says, “Don’t worry everybody. I’m Dr. Ralph Malph. I will take this man to my clinic and find out what’s wrong with him.”
Meanwhile... Voyager approaches the Work-Related planet...
Mr. Kim says, “Their president is hailing us. I’ll put it on screen.”
A man appears and says, “I am President Victor Kiriakis. Who are you?” The Doctor says, “I am the Emergency Command Hologram!” Kiriakis replies, “As opposed to a Non-Emergency Command Hologram? But anyway, why are you approaching our planet?” The Doctor says, “You have our crew as part of your workforce. And we are here to take them back.” Kiriakis says, “I forbid it! These people have good jobs and I will not let them go back on welfare!” The Doctor says, “They weren’t on welfare... They are the crew of this ship!” Kiriakis warns, “Pay attention, Mr. Emergency Holographic, whatever the hell you are. If you orbit this planet, we consider it an act of war and we’ll destroy you!”
The message terminates. The Doctor turns to Chakotay and says, “Well, we tried. You want to resume our course to Earth?” Chakotay says, “Never! You are going to get me on that planet. Doctor, I need you to perform plastic surgery on me.”
Doctor says, “Finally! For years I’ve been thinking you need to get that done!”
Meanwhile... on the Work-Related planet...
Jaffen and Janeway are walking hand in hand, admiring the beautiful lights and intense pollution of the world around them. Jaffen turns to Janeway and says, “Kathryn, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking... I want you to move in with me.”
Janeway says, “Jeepers! That’s pretty sudden... Especially when you consider the fact that we only met this morning...”
Jaffen says, “I know. But I have never felt this way about a woman. I love you, Kathryn Janeway!” Jaffen then thinks to himself, “Plus, I can’t afford the rent all by myself...”
Janeway says, “Yes! I will move in with you!” The two kiss passionately. Jaffen slips her the tongue.
Meanwhile... Chakotay (having been altered to look like your average goofy forehead alien) breaks into the power plant, hoping to find Janeway and the others.
He immediately runs into B’Elanna and says, “Oh B’Elanna, I’m so glad to see you!” Torres looks at him and says, “Why? Oh god, please don’t tell me that you are the father of my baby!” Chakotay says, “No! We’re just taking you back to Voyager. Chakotay to Voyager: Beam B’Elanna up. I’ll stick around to find everybody else.”
Torres is beamed back to Voyager. Suddenly, Chakotay finds himself face to face with the security guards. Chakotay says, “Change of plans Voyager, you can beam me back, too...” Kim replies, “Sorry Chakotay, the transporters have conveniently gone off line.”
Chakotay gasps, “I’m trapped!”
Suddenly, a voice sounding a lot like Roxann Dawson says, “Get out my way, fool. I’m directing this one from here on out!”
Chakotay says, “I have no choice... I have to jump.”
Chakotay then jumps off the catwalk and does a swan dive to the bottom. Chakotay gets up and says, “Not too bad... Of course, it would have looked prettier if I this was an Olympic-sized pool instead of a concrete floor.” With that, Chakotay escapes.
Meanwhile... in the Work-Related hospital...
Dr. Malph and his assistant are feverishly running scans on Tuvok. Dr. Malph says, “This is amazing! Look at the brain scans on this guy. His brain was taken over by some sort of alien that lived in a nebula. His brain was taken over by a psychopathic Betazoid named Suder. His brain was taken over by some sort of parasite when he served on the USS Excelsior. His brain was taken over by some Hirogen, who made him think he was fighting World War II. His brain was taken over by the Borg, who assimilated him into their Collective. And then his brain was taken over by an evil Bajoran, who wanted Tuvok to take command of a ship called Voyager.”
The assistant says, “And people gripe about Spock’s brain....”
Dr. Malph says, “Never fear. We’re going to mess with Tuvok’s brain as well. He needs to think he works at our factory.” The assistant whines, “But why?” Dr. Malph smacks the assistant with a cement brick and shouts, “None of your Bees Wax!”
Meanwhile... In Janeway’s apartment bulding...
Janeway hauls yet another box into Jaffen’s apartment. Janeway says, “I’ve only get 10 more boxes to go.” Jaffen says, “I don’t understand. You just arrived at this planet yesterday. How could you possibly have this much stuff?” Janeway says, “Oh, this isn’t mine. I didn’t have any stuff. So I just took some from the neighbors’...”
Janeway returns to her old apartment and finds Chakotay waiting with a gun. Chakotay says, “Kathryn. I am Commander Chakotay. I am your first officer. We both come from a planet in the Alpha Quadrant. I am here to bring you back to the Starship Voyager.”
Janeway replies, “Pleasure to meet you. I am Queen Elizabeth. I was the first person to walk on the moon. I come from the wonderful world of Oz. I am here to bring you back to Disneyworld.”
Chakotay says, “Drop the dripping sarcasm... I can prove it my claims!” With that, Chakotay begins tearing off his mask. Janeway says, “What is this, Mission: Impossible?” Chakotay says, “Hold on, I’m almost finished.”
As soon as the mask is completely off, Janeway says, “Dude. You looked a whole lot better with the goofy looking forehead...”
Chakotay says, “Quiet! You have to help us all escape and return to Voyager!” Janeway says, “No way! I’m very happy here! I have fallen in love with a man named Jaffen!” Chakotay says, “We have holodecks on Voyager. You can recreate Jaffen on the holodeck and make him do anything you want!”
Janeway asks, “Even tickle my ass with a feather?”
Chakotay says, “You betcha!”
Janeway says, “Then let’s blow this pop stand...”
Meanwhile... Back on Voyager...
Mr. Kim says, “I just got a coded message from Chakotay. They are getting ready to deactivate the shield grid.” The Doctor says, “Excellent work, Ensign! Set a course back to the planet! Kim whines, “When do I get to be Captain?”
Just then, the evil aliens start firing on Voyager.
The Doctor shouts, “Report!” Kim says, “We are surrounded by alien ships!”
The Doctor says, “Wait! My tactical database includes a very sneaky Romulan tactic. We need to activate some sort of photonic technobabble. That will disable the aliens. I am a genius!”
Kim bitterly says, “Genius? What genius? Doctor, I’m showing the very same recommendation on my computer screen. Your tactical database is the exact same thing as Voyager’s tactical database... Thereby making the idea of an Emergency Command Hologram pointless!”
The Doctor shouts, “Shut up and fire!”
Meanwhile... in the Work-Related power plant...
Chakotay and Janeway have found a way to sneak in. They being searching for a way to disable the power systems. Suddenly, Annika Hansen catches up with them and says, “What the hell are you people doing here? Janeway, you’ve been trouble since Day One!”
Janeway says, “Today is Day One. But you don’t understand... We’re just working overtime.”
Annika says, “Aha. Good work. Keep it up and you might be named Brainwashed Employee of the Month!” Annika leaves. Janeway says, “Okay. We don’t have much time. We must find a button that will disable the power system, turn off the intruder alarms, and deactivate the shield grid.” Chakotay looks around and says, “Well, here’s one that will disable the power system, turn off the intruder alarms, and deactivate the shield grid. Unfortunately, it will also burn out light bulbs for several homes.”
Janeway says, “We have no choice! Press the button!” Chakotay says, “But what about the Prime Directive?” Janeway says, “I don’t know what that is, so I’m exempt. Now push the damn button!!”
Chakotay presses the damn button.
Back on Voyager...
Mr. Kim says, “Doctor! They have disabled the shield grid!” The Doctor says, “Good! Beam our people back to Voyager.” Kim says, “Wait! Don’t they have to be wearing their commbadges in order for us to beam them aboard?”
The Doctor says, “Usually, yeah. But I won’t make a fuss if you won’t...”
Kim says, “Agreed.”
And all of the Voyager crew is brought back to the ship.
“Captain’s Log: Supplemental. All of our memories have been completely restored. The crew is very glad to be back, although they will miss the excellent dental coverage that the planet provided. Mr. Paris is back to watching cartoons on his TV set. He has asked to be hooked up for cable TV, but it’s just too much of a strain on our energy. We have resumed a course toward home.”
Janeway completes her log entry and enters Holodeck Two and says, “Computer: Activate Program Janeway Tickle-My-Ass Alpha.”
The computer replies, “Warning. That program is rated TV-MA. Viewer discretion advised.”
Janeway shouts, “Override!!...”