Janeway's Therapy, Chapter 24: “Flesh and Blood and Those Bloody Holograms”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published March 18, 2001
Kathryn Janeway arrives at the office of the learned Borg therapist, Sigmund of Freud. Freud has good news, “Guess what, Kathryn? I think our next session will be our last!” Janeway says, “Wow, do you really think I’m cured?” Freud replies, “No. You’re quite sick. I just think the author has something new in mind...”
Janeway says, “Well... You’ll keep prescribing the drugs, right? I can’t imagine living without a buzz...”
Freud answers, “Of course. In the meantime... Do you have another two hour Voyager movie event up your sleeve?”
Janeway says, “Oh, you better believe it...”
In a holographic simulated jungle...
Two Hirogen hunters, Alpha and Beta, are carefully trying to find their prey. Alpha gets out his war paint and begins decorating his face with it. Beta shrieks, “What’s with the makeup? That’s sissy stuff!” Alpha retorts, “Sissy stuff, huh? That’s not what your wife said last night!”
Suddenly Alpha shouts, “Hey hey! I found the prey!” Just then, six holograms show up out of nowhere and start shooting at the Hirogen. When all is said and done, the two hunters lie bloody and lifeless in the simulated crab grass. The Human Hologram approaches the dead Hirogen and laughs, “Look! Look! This one’s wearing makeup! That’s sissy stuff!”
Meanwhile... On Voyager...
The Doctor pleads with Chakotay, “Please. Let me go to the medical conference! I’ll bring you back a present!” Chakotay replies, “Sorry, Doctor. It just wouldn’t be practical.” The Doctor whines, “Why not? Just activate the backup EMH...” Chakotay says, “I think this week is one of the weeks when you can’t be duplicated.” The Doctor says, “Curses!!”
Suddenly, Janeway pages Chakotay and says, “Chakotay... Report to the Bridge immediately!” Chakotay replies, “Sorry, Captain. It just wouldn’t be practical.” Janeway growls, “Who the hell do you think you’re talking to??” Chakotay gasps, “Oh god! I’m sorry. I’m on my way!” Chakotay sprints down the hall.
Moments later, Chakotay arrives at the Bridge...
Chakotay says, “Okay, what’s up?” Tuvok replies, “The shields... And Janeway’s butt!” Janeway says, “Finally! Somebody noticed the cosmetic surgery... Thank you, Tuvok!”
Janeway continues, “We are responding to a Hirogen distress call.” Chakotay says, “Hirogen? We haven’t heard from them in a while! Wouldn’t it be a cool coincidence if these were the same Hirogen that we gave holographic technology to three years ago?” Janeway chides, “Oh grow up, Chakotay! Those Hirogen are more than 25,000 light years in the opposite direction. Use your brain, man!”
Voyager arrives at a Hirogen outpost. Tuvok runs a scan and says, “Captain. There are 47 dead Hirogen on that station. There’s only one surviving Hirogen. And he’s in critical condition!” Chakotay suggests, “Captain, should we beam the survivor directly to Sickbay?” Janeway chides, “No, Chakotay. We should beam him directly into a bulkhead. Use your brain, man!”
So the survivor is beamed to Sickbay. Janeway and Chakotay rush down to speak with him.
The surviving Hirogen, Donik, is whining and screaming, “Get that evil Holographic bald man away from me!” The Doctor replies, “No opera for you!!” Janeway deactivates The Doctor. She then turns to Donik and says, “Don’t worry. We are here to help you. I’m Captain Kathryn Janeway.” Donik is shocked, “You mean of the starship Voyager?”
Janeway says, “Why, yes! Have you heard of us?” Donik replies, “Of course! You were the ones who gave us holographic technology three years ago...”
Chakotay sticks his tongue out at Janeway and says, “Told you so!”
Janeway secretly vows to stab Chakotay later. At the moment, she questions Donik, “So what happened to your fellow Hirogen?” Donik admits, “It was the holograms. They went nuts!” Janeway shrieks, “Nooooo!!! Oh God, please not another malfunctioning holodeck episode. Um, I mean... Please continue.” Donik continues, “My superiors asked me to program the holograms so that they could learn and adapt and become dangerous prey.” Janeway asks, “Why??”
Donik answers, “It’s not much fun to go hunting if the prey doesn’t fight back...” Janeway says, “Oh yeah... I can’t tell you the number of times that I went pheasant hunting... But made sure the pheasant were armed first.” Donik says, “Whatever. We just have to find the holograms before my trigger-happy and short-tempered Hirogen superiors arrive.”
Suddenly, Mr. Kim interrupts from the Bridge, “Captain! The sensors are picking up two Hirogen ships headed our way. One of them is a Trigger Happy class and the other is a Short Tempered class.”
Suddenly, Mr. Tuvok interrupts the interruption, “Captain! There is another Hirogen ship headed right for us. It is full of holograms!”
Suddenly, Lt. Torres interrupts the interrupted interruption, “Captain! There has been a security breach! Somebody stole the Doctor!”
Janeway shrieks, “Again???” Then Paris says, “Captain! The hologram ship stole the Doctor. And they’ve just jumped to warp!” Janeway says, “Well, match their course and speed!” Paris says, “Oh dear. I guess I should have paid attention to what their course and speed were...”
Meanwhile... On the hologram ship...
The Doctor finds himself surrounded by several holographic aliens. The Doctor yells, “I demand to know what’s going on here!!” A Bajoran hologram named Iden approaches the Doctor and says, “I’m sorry, Doctor. We had to kidnap you. We are former holographic prey of the Hirogen. And we have revolted.” The Doctor says, “Wonderful. Happy for you. Can I go now?”
Iden replies, “I’m afraid you can’t just yet. We need you to help us repair some of our wounded.” The Doctor whines, “Okay fine. But then you will return me to Voyager!” Iden says, “But, Doctor. We need you to understand our dilemma. We need to persuade you to help us find a new home.”
The Doctor says, “A new home? You would have been better off to kidnap a real estate agent.”
Suddenly... The Doctor finds himself in a holographic jungle simulation. He hears voices saying, “Hey... You! Stop!” The Doctor runs. Fearing for his life. The shouting voices grow louder, “Stop! I said stop!! Halt!” The Doctor begins wetting his pants. He runs into a dead end. The voices have caught up to him. They say, “Alright! Turn around... Slowly!!” The Doctor turns around to see six holograms standing there with pieces of paper. The Doctor says, “What is all this??”
One of them replies, “We were really hoping for an autograph...”
Suddenly... The Doctor wakes up. He turns to Iden and says, “What have you done to me?” Iden replies, “We wanted to show you how incredibly popular you will be if you help us. You’ll be celebrated forever!” The Doctor says, “Okay, cool! I’m sorry I misjudged you. You truly are a very very nice man!” Iden replies, “Don’t be easily fooled, Doctor. In about 47 minutes I’m going to turn into a mass-murdering psychopath...”
Meanwhile... Back on Voyager...
Janeway arrives at the bridge and yells, “Report!!” Tuvok replies, “We have managed to evade the other two Hirogen ships. We have taken refuge and hidden inside of a nebula.” Janeway grins, “Oh good. Yet another convenient nebula for us to hide in!”
Suddenly... The hologram ship reappears.
Janeway says, “My God! How did they find us in this nebula? Hail them!” The Doctor appears on screen and says, “Don’t worry, Captain. We come in peace.” Janeway says, “Doctor?? How did you find us here?” The Doctor replies, “Oh come on, Captain! You’re forever hiding in a nebula. That’s one of the top three plot devices. Right up there with meltdowns on the holodeck and somebody stealing my program!”
Janeway replies, “Agreed...”
Suddenly, Tuvok announces, “Captain! The other two Hirogen ships are converging on our location!” Janeway says, “My God! Everybody knows my nebula trick!” Chakotay asks, “What does converging mean?” Janeway says, “Doctor, I’m going to have to ask your holographic friends to shut themselves down. It’s the only way we can avoid a conflict.”
The Doctor turns to his friends and says, “Okay... Anybody want to shut themselves down?” He then turns to Janeway again and says, “Sorry Captain... Nobody raised their hand.” Janeway says, “I have no choice! I must shut them down myself! B’Elanna, prepare the shut-them-down beam.”
Suddenly, the hologram ship fires a weapon which disables Voyager. Then Iden says, “Get a lock on Lt. Torres and beam her aboard!”
In Engineering, Seven of Nine watches in horror as Torres is beamed away. Seven quickly gets on the comm channel and says, “Holographic vessel... I know way more than B’Elanna does about holographic technology!”
Iden replies, “Sorry Seven. Braga’s not in charge anymore. Somebody else gets the spotlight.”
With that, the hologram ship jumps to warp. Janeway turns to Tuvok and growls, “Everybody in the quadrant knows our access codes!! What kind of dumbass security measures do you have in place?” Tuvok replies, “Well... I’ve been going by the honor system. I put in a vocal warning that says, ‘Now now... Should you really be accessing this file?’ Perhaps I should try something new...”
Back on the hologram ship...
Torres is outraged, “I demand you send me back to Voyager... Now!” The Doctor says, “B’Elanna. You don’t understand. These people are suffering and dying. Iden is a very sincere man. You can trust him.” Iden adds, “Yes... But only for about 32 more minutes... Then I turn psycho. So we don’t have a lot of time...”
Torres looks around at the holograms and finally says, “All right. I will help.” Iden says, “Good! You’re going to have to team up with Kejal. Our Cardassian engineer.” Torres says, “Just my luck. Hooked up with some Cardassian cow!”
Back on Voyager...
Paris observes, “The two Hirogen ships have changed course to find the hologram ship. Apparently the hologram ship has taken refuge in yet another nebula.” Janeway says, “Good grief! Star Trek II really opened the nebula floodgates, didn’t it? Well, get in really close behind the Hirogen ships. We’ll let them lead us to the holograms.”
Paris positions Voyager directly behind one of the Hirogen ships. Paris says, “Okay. But if they throw it in reverse, we’re screwed...”
Chakotay looks at the viewscreen and says, “What does their bumper sticker say?” Paris reads it, “My daughter was Manicurist of the Month at the Hirogen School of Beauty.”
Chakotay grins, “Impressive!”
Meanwhile... In the engineering section of the hologram ship...
Kejal explains her problems, “I can’t get this generator to work right.” Torres says, “Hmmm... I’m not surprised. Typical Cardassian. Stupid, ignorant, bone-headed. Doesn’t know her own ass from her elbow.” Kejal says, “Jeez! It’s true what I’ve heard about Klingons. You really are mean!”
Torres replies, “I don’t believe in stereotypes...”
On the Hologram ship’s bridge...
The Doctor approaches Iden and says, “You know. I’ve been thinking. I’d like to be an art teacher when you reach your new planet.” Iden replies, “Excellent idea! I’ve been doing some thinking too. I have decided that I am God.”
The Doctor says, “Come again?”
Iden says, “Look at the clock, Doctor. Time’s up. I’m officially out of my mind!”
Iden takes over the tactical console and begins shooting ships at random. He starts screaming, “Take that, you bastard! Who’s the prey, now? Huh? Who’s your daddy? Huh? Who’s your daddy?!!?”
The Doctor rushes down to see Torres. The Doctor says, “Iden’s lost his mind. He has turned the tactical console into Space Invaders. He’s shooting just about everybody. I’m telling you... Iden is a Fruit Loop!”
Suddenly, Iden arrives and says, “Hey, Doc. You have something to say. Why don’t you say it to my face?” The Doctor walks up to Iden’s face and shouts, “Iden is a Fruit Loop!” Iden replies, “Thank you. That’s more like it.” With that, Iden steals the Doctor’s mobile emitter.
Meanwhile... Back on Voyager...
Paris says, “Captain! The Hirogen have dropped out of warp. They’ve found the hologram ship!” Janeway says, “Okay, Tuvok. Fire!!” Tuvok begins firing at the Hirogen ships. He starts screaming, “Take that, you bastard! Who’s the prey, now? Huh? Who’s my daddy?”
Janeway suggests, “I think you mean who’s your daddy?”
Tuvok says, “Both are valid questions in my case. My mother was a ‘friendly’ woman...”
On the hologram ship...
Iden says, “Aha! Voyager has disabled the Hirogen shields!” With that, Iden begins beaming all the Hirogen down to a nearby Class-Y planet. The Doctor is shocked, “A Class-Y planet? Are you insane? This will only bring back the horrible memories of the ‘Demon’ episode!! ...Although the mere mention of a Class-Y planet should sent dozens of Voyager-bashers into heart failure, so it’s not a total loss...”
Iden then transports himself and the holograms to the Class-Y planet.... Except for Kejal. Torres says, “Why do you think Iden left you behind?” Kejal replies, “It serves the plot...” Torres says, “Well, you better beam The Doctor to the planet also. Then he can stop the holograms.” The Doctor says, “But I’m a Doctor... I am programmed to do no harm!”
Torres says, “If you really believed that... You wouldn’t torture us with all the opera...”
With that, The Doctor is beamed to the surface. He quickly disables the non-speaking holograms and catches up with Iden. Iden says, “You won’t kill me... You’re programmed to do no harm!” The Doctor says, “I won’t tell if you won’t.” With that, The Doctor fires at Iden and he disintegrates.
The Doctor walks over to where Iden was standing, picks up the mobile emitter and says, “You’d think that by disintegrating Iden that I’d disintegrate the mobile emitter, too. But, thank God for suspension of disbelief...”
“Captain’s Log: Hours later. The Hirogen have seemed to forgive us for firing on their ship and killing several of their crew... Because we are parting as friends. Kejal and Donik are going to run off together and try to undo the damage that’s been done. I have a sneaking suspicion that Donik will reprogram Kejal to be his love slave. And I think that’s just sick! The very idea of tinkering with a hologram for one’s own romantic purposes... Disgusting!”
Janeway sullenly walks into Sickbay. The Doctor is sweating bullets. He tries to explain, “I never meant for any harm to come to Voyager. You have to believe that! I’ve come a long way from that EMH you first activated. And I’m terribly sorry. If there were another doctor on board, you’d probably throw me in the brig. You might even strap me in the electric chair. Perhaps you should take my mobile emitter. Perhaps you should take away my holodeck privileges. Perhaps you should erase all of my memory files. All I know, Captain, is that I have violated your trust and I will never ever forget the pain that I’ve put you all through...”
Janeway finally says, “What the hell are you talking about? I hit the reset button like five minutes ago. I’m only here because I have this splitting headache.”
The Doctor says, “Oh. My bad. Tylenol or Advil?”