This story does not contain any intentional spoilers. If something happens here and then it happens on the real show... It’s pure coincidence. But I somehow doubt the real show would feature a subplot of Naomi Wildman trying to gaslight Captain Janeway. This one’s just going to be a seven-parter. (To coincide, of course, with Voyager’s last episodes.) Then I’m hanging up the keyboard for good.
“Captains Log: Voyager: The Final Season. The Last Episodes. Could UPN possibly be more obnoxious? Anyway, I guess we’re still in the Delta Quadrant. I find this situation very odd. This doesn’t sound right. Hopefully my senior officers can provide some insight to the situation.”
Janeway enters the prolonging room. (The briefing room is currently being repainted.) Janeway looks around and says, “Wait! This is supposed a meeting of my senior officers... Where’s Harry Kim?” Harry comes rushing into the room saying, “Harry Kim, Junior. Reporting as ordered!” Janeway gasps, “Junior?” Harry replies, “Yep. Named after my father.” Janeway scowls, “Well, just get the hell out of here! This is for my senior officers!”
Harry falls to the floor and screams like a baby.
Janeway screams, “All right! You can stay, Junior!” Harry grins. Janeway continues, “Everybody. We’ve got a terribly serious problem on our hands. I think we’ve fallen victim to some sort of temporal anomaly!”
Chakotay suddenly raises his hand in a very desperate manner. Janeway turns to Chakotay and says, “I’m sorry, my little special-ed student. A temporal anomaly means something that makes us travel through time.” Chakotay smiles, “Gotcha!”
Janeway continues, “I think somebody has altered history. Because I vividly remember having several therapy sessions with the learned Borg therapist, Sigmund of Freud. And I vividly remember returning to Earth two or three times in some earlier fan fiction. But now, here we are... Back in the Delta Quadrant.”
Tuvok suggests, “Perhaps you’ve been playing with the heroin again, Captain?” Janeway says, “No! The Doctor told me I didn’t have any veins left. So I know my experiences were real!” Torres asks, “So what do we do about it?” Janeway says, “We have to find out who tampered with the timeline... And why. So... Mr. Kim, I want you to start scanning for any temporal anomalies.”
Paris says, “You called this big meeting just so you could tell Harry to scan for temporal anomalies? You could have just shouted across the bridge: ‘Hey Harry... Find me some temporal anomalies, would ya?’” Janeway walks across the room, snatches a pip from Tom’s collar and says, “I’ll keep that in mind... Ensign!”
A few days later...
Chakotay and Janeway enter the turbolift on their way to the bridge. Chakotay asks, “So Captain... Have they found any of those temporary poppy seeds?” Janeway growls, “Temporal anomalies!!” Chakotay answers, “Yeah... Those things.” Janeway laments, “No! And it’s been a few days. I’m beginning to think I imagined the whole thing...”
Chakotay says, “Don’t feel bad, Captain. It happens. A lot of people suffer dementia when they reach their 80s.” A few moments later, Janeway and Chakotay exit the turbolift. Chakotay appears to be bloodied and beaten.
Janeway asks, “Mr. Kim? You still haven’t found any temporal anomalies?” Harry replies, “Well, of course I have, Captain. I found four or five of them!” Janeway angrily asks, “Well, what’s wrong with you?? Why didn’t you tell me?” Harry is surprised, “I was supposed to tell you, too? You just told me to scan for the anomalies. I ain’t no mind-reader, Captain.”
Janeway fumes, “You’re pushing your luck, Junior!”
Tuvok suddenly interrupts, “Captain! We are receiving another data stream transmission from Earth!”
Chakotay suddenly raises his hand in a very desperate manner. Janeway turns to Chakotay and says, “A data stream transmission is kind of like a long-distance phone call, my little brain-damaged baboon.” Chakotay smiles, “Gotcha!”
Tuvok puts the transmission on the view screen. A man appears and says, “Hello, Voyager. It’s Admiral Hayes. I have some disturbing news. The Federation Council has denied your request to have a multi-episode story arc to finish up your series. They would rather have a few self-contained episodes leading up to the finale.” Janeway is enraged, “But Admiral! How could you let this happen? Deep Space Nine had a story arc for their finale...” Hayes replies, “Don’t pull that routine! If Captain Sisko jumped off a bridge, would you jump off a bridge, too?” Janeway says, “That depends... Will a parachute be provided?”
Hayes says, “Never mind! I just want to remind you that you only have six more episodes to get home. After that... You’re off the air, my dear!” Janeway sighs, “Understood. But one last question. How they hell can you still be alive? Weren’t you killed in First Contact?” Hayes replies, “Look who’s talking. You’re the stiff calling the corpse dead! How many times did you die in the ‘Coda’ episode?”
Paris mumbles, “Obviously not enough...”
Janeway walks over, tears the remaining pip from Tom’s collar and growls, “Keep your comments to yourself... Crewman.”
Hayes then says, “Look, Janeway. I’d love to sit and chat all day... But I have a million things to do. Not to mention the fact that I don’t like you. So good luck and all that... Peace.” And the transmission ends.
Janeway says to her Bridge crew, “Well, everybody. It looks like we have our work cut out for us.” Chakotay says, “But I don’t even see the scissors.” Janeway ignores him and says, “First, we’re going to have to repair the timeline. Then we have to find a way home... Quickly! And we have to hurry... We’ve only got six more episodes. That’s barely enough time for Chakotay to get halfway through one of his parables.”
Janeway then says, “Mr. Kim. About those anomalies you found. Which one do you think is the most likely to cause our temporal paradox?” Chakotay suddenly raises his hand in a very desperate manner. Janeway groans, “Chakotay... We don’t have time for this! A temporal paradox is hard to explain. Just think of it as daylight savings time.” Chakotay smiles, “Gotcha!”
Harry then says, “Okay. I think it is this one: Anomaly 47-Beta.” Janeway says, “Did you say 47?? That’s got to be the culprit!” Janeway then turns to Tom and says, “Okay Lieutenant... I mean Ensign... I mean Crewman. Set a course for Anomaly 47-Beta!” Tom replies, “Yes Ma’am!” Harry says, “It’s not crunch time, Paris. We’ll let you know. ...Can you believe him Captain? He’s still pretty green, huh?” Janeway replies, “Well... That would explain the lizard babies I gave birth to...”
Voyager arrives at the temporal anomaly. Janeway is quietly reading a book when she looks up and sees the anomaly on the view screen. She then yells, “Report!!” Tuvok says, “The anomaly is in visual range.” Janeway says, “What was your first clue? Mr. Kim, does this look like the anomaly that altered the timeline?”
Kim says, “No. I must have been mistaken! I’m seeing a big sign at the edge of the anomaly that reads: ‘Out of Order.’ It can’t possibly be our anomaly.” Janeway growls, “Thanks for nothing, Junior! I guess we’ll have to check the other anomalies.”
Suddenly, Tuvok snaps, “Who the hell cares?? Captain, is it really that terribly important that everybody must remember these experiences that you speak of?” Janeway whines, “But I’m the Captain!” Tuvok says, “I don’t care! We don’t have time for this! We’ve only got six more episodes to get home. Or else the viewers will never know if we made it home or not!”
Janeway says, “I didn’t realize people were still watching. You’re right, of course. But we still have some 35,000 light years to go!”
Suddenly... The conversation is interrupted by a voice on the intercom, “Security to Tuvok. Report to the mess hall at once... There’s been a terrible murder!” Tuvok rushes down to the Mess Hall. Janeway says, “I sure hope that the victim was one of the crewmembers that I didn’t realize existed...”
Just then, Harry says, “Captain! There’s a ship de-cloaking off our port bow. It’s the Dauntless!” Janeway says, “Oh cool! I love the way it can separate into three different sections!” Harry says, “That was the Prometheus.” Janeway says, “Of course. I meant to say it’s the incredibly cool ship that travels through time!” Harry says, “Nope... That was Relativity.” Janeway growls, “Okay then... What the hell was the Dauntless?” Harry says, “It was the ship Arturis claimed would bring us back to the Alpha Quadrant!” Janeway says, “Hmmmm... Doesn’t ring a bell...”
The Dauntless hails Voyager and Harry puts it on screen... It’s Arturis! Arturis says, “Hello, Janeway.” Janeway says, “Aha! Now the bell has been rung! I remember you! You tried to kill us!” Arturis says, “That was the old Arturis. I’ve changed my ways. I found Jesus.” Chakotay says, “I didn’t realize he was missing...”
Janeway says, “Wait a minute! I thought you were dead, too!” Arturis says, “Must I bring up ‘Coda’ as well? You were killed several times...” Paris chimes in, “Sorry, Arturis. The only thing of Janeway’s that was killed was her sex appeal...”
Janeway walks over to Paris, pulls one of his ears right off his head and says, “You’re starting to get on my nerves... Van Gogh.” Janeway turns to Arturis again and says, “Well, what do you want with us now?” Arturis answers, “I wish to make amends for all my dastardly deeds. I am going to help you return to Earth!”
Janeway is skeptical, “Hmmmm... This still sounds a little suspicious. I think you might be setting another trap for us...” Arturis shouts, “I’m sincere! I found Jesus! You have to believe me, for Christ’s sake. I have become a religious, devout, God-fearing man, God dammit!”
Janeway is about to reply when Tuvok returns to the Bridge. Tuvok says, “Captain. I have some terrible news!” Janeway turns to Arturis again and says, “Hey Artie... Can I put you on hold for a few minutes?” Arturis says, “Okay. But hurry up. I’ve got other things to do, you know.” Janeway says, “Like what? You couldn’t be spending time with your family, because they were all massacred by the Borg.” Arturis starts sobbing... Janeway puts him on hold.
Janeway then says, “Okay, Tuvok. What’s the terrible news?”
Tuvok answers, “Neelix has been murdered!”
Janeway says, “Still waiting for the terrible news...”
Tuvok says, “Well, not only that... But I found a note next to his body. The note said ‘I will strike again.’ Do you realize what this means?” Chakotay answers, “It means the killer was a Teamster?” Janeway says, “No! Pedantic drone! It means that we have a serial killer on board!” Chakotay panics, “My God!! I’ll go hide the Raisin Bran...”
Meanwhile... in the bowels of the ship...
Ensign Samantha Wildman comes rushing in to a secret meeting. She says, “I’m so sorry, I’m late. I got confused. I went to the consonants instead of the bowels.”
Wildman sits down with the rest of the people in the meeting: Naomi Wildman, Ensign Vorik, Icheb and Joe Carey. Wildman says, “First of all... Whichever one of you killed Neelix, I must say that was an excellent idea!” Vorik is surprised, “I didn’t realize Neelix was killed...” Wildman replies, “Oh yeah. Murdered in the mess hall with a lead pipe. It wasn’t anybody here who committed the murder?”
Everybody in the room shakes their head no. Wildman says, “Whoa! Tuvok was right. We really do have a serial killer aboard.” Naomi asks, “Serial killer? Wow. Did somebody already do the Raisin Bran joke?” Wildman says, “Yep.” Naomi says, “Curses!”
Wildman then says, “So how are things coming in our dastardly evil plan?” Carey replies, “Things are going exactly as planned! You ever notice how villains are the only ones whose plans seem to go exactly as planned?” Vorik interrupts, “Anyway... We think Arturis is about to regain Janeway’s trust.”
Icheb beams, “I told you the Jesus bit would work! If Arturis can get the senior officers to his ship, he can easily get them assimilated by the Borg!” Naomi worries, “But Janeway and the others will remember the last time they boarded the Dauntless. They will never board his ship a second time!” Wildman assures her, “You forgot one thing, sweetheart... The lack of continuity! The crew couldn’t possibly remember season four!”
Naomi smiles, “Brilliant!!”
Vorik continues, “As for the anomaly, it has successfully altered Janeway’s history. She is rather confused and we will use that to our advantage. At last, we will have our long-awaited revenge!” Carey continues the melodramatics, “Yes. We will have our revenge, indeed. We will make them pay! For seven years we’ve had to live in their shadow. Waiting around for the slightest bit of development. And now we will make them suffer the torments of the damned.... Mwaaa ha ha ha ha!”
Icheb says, “Dude. That was over the top...”
Wildman then asks, “Who was the one who came up with temporal anomaly idea? That was just brilliant!”
Naomi replies, “That was me, Mama. Captain Janeway had the nerve to reject the idea of me being the Bridge Assistant. So I constructed the temporal anomaly... Which is something that little sissy boy, Wesley Crusher, could never hope to accomplish. And now we will use that anomaly to mess with Janeway’s brain. I will not stop until I drive her completely insane! I will not stop until Kathryn Janeway dies a lonely, broken and bitter woman...”
Wildman beams, “That’s my girl! Come sit on mommy’s lap.”
The cold-hearted villains say in unison, “Awwwwww... Precious...”