“Hello. I am in space. Space is black. It has stars. The stars shine...”
“Chakotay! You’ve been told not to do log entries! I’m taking over! Escape Pod Log: Supplemental. The beautiful B’Elanna Torres recording. Chakotay and I have escaped the evil clutches of the Borg Collective. Unfortunately, the remaining senior officers were assimilated by the Borg. Chakotay and I are now lost in Borg space with a tiny little escape pod. We’ve been betrayed by the Anti-Voyagers, a group of bitter recurring crewmembers. Since Chakotay does not have a brain, I fear that I will have to save the day... alone.”
Chakotay announces, “Bad news, B’Elanna. I’ve been unable to get the warp core to full power.” Torres groans, “This is an escape pod, you dork. There is no warp core!” Chakotay replies, “That would explain my difficulty...”
Torres says, “I must come up with a plan. I need to save the crew from the Borg, get us all back to Voyager, thwart the forces of evil, flush out the serial killer, unravel the mystery of Janeway’s temporal paradox, and get Voyager back to Earth before the deadline.” Chakotay says, “Jeepers! Sounds like a big to-do list. Just let me know how I can help.” Torres replies, “Well, you could drop dead.” Chakotay ponders, “Hmmmm... Anything else, perhaps?”
Meanwhile... On Voyager...
The newly self-appointed Captain Samantha Wildman arrives on the bridge and screams, “Report!!” Icheb replies, “We are maintaining a course for Earth, Sam.” Wildman growls, “Excuse me, punk. But I’m the Captain now. And I say it’s crunch time all the time. You will call me ‘Ma’am’!” Icheb says, “I will not call you Sam, Ma’am. I do not like green eggs and ham...”
Suddenly, Vorik announces, “Captain! We are receiving a transmission from Starfleet Command.” The viewscreen activates and Admiral Hayes appears on screen. Hayes says, “Who the hell are you? Where’s Captain Janeway?” Wildman panics, “Um... Janeway? She’s in the john.” Hayes seems surprised, “You mean the bathroom? Voyager does have a bathroom after all! Everybody’s dying to know this... Where is the bathroom??” Wildman replies, “Sorry. That’s on a need to know basis.”
Hayes says, “Fine. Whatever. But I must speak to Captain Janeway at once. We have developed a plan to bring Voyager back home.” Wildman says, “Cool! Well, why don’t you just tell me the plan, and I’ll tell Captain Janeway just as soon as I see her.” Hayes says, “Sorry. I must only share the information with the Captain. Starfleet regulations...” Wildman then says, “Well, you see. Captain Janeway died. And in her will she made me Captain of Voyager.” Hayes says, “But you just said she was in the john.” Wildman says, “Um. You didn’t let me finish. I was going to say she is in the john... The same place she’s been since she died three weeks ago.”
Hayes says, “You’re telling me you’ve had a dead body in the bathroom for three weeks. What happens when one of you needs to use the bathroom??” Wildman says, “Um.... Well, I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.” Hayes growls, “No dice, Miss... Whoever you are. You aren’t getting this information until I can speak with Captain Janeway. I’m a crusty old man like that!”
With that, the transmission ends. Wildman grows worried. She then turns to Vorik and says, “You know, Vorik. With the right wig, I think you’d make an exact duplicate of Captain Janeway. Prepare for cross-dressing!”
Meanwhile... In the Borg Collective...
Janeway stands face to face with the Borg Queen. Janeway says, “Where is my crew??” The Queen responds, “Right behind you.” Janeway turns around briefly, and then says, “Oh right. I knew that. So why haven’t we been assimilated yet?” The Queen says, “Oh man, I almost forgot about that.”
Paris sighs, “Smooth, Janeway....”
The Queen says, “However, dear Captain. I will give you a chance to save your crew.” Janeway says, “How so?” The Queen explains, “Earth and Humanity have been a thorn in my side for about 200 years. And I’ve decided to wipe Humanity out of existence for all eternity. If you help me destroy the Earth, I’ll let you and your crew go.”
Janeway quickly does some math in her head. She then says, “I think there’s about 50 billion people living on Earth. You honestly think I’d sacrifice 50 billion people to save the six of us?” The Queen says, “What if I throw in a set of steak knives?” Janeway says, “Sorry. You have to get up pretty early in the morning to outwit me.”
The Doctor says, “In lieu of Chakotay’s return, I’ll make the stupid remark... What time would that be, Captain? Are we talking before 6 AM?”
The Queen says, “You leave me no choice, Captain. I’ll have to resort to more drastic measures.”
The Queen then snaps her fingers and says, “Juan of Valdez, report to me immediately. Bring your coffee, but not that mule.” The Voyager officers all give the Queen a strange look. The Queen explains, “I hate having that jackass around.” Paris quips, “Oh, so you are letting Janeway go, afterall...”
Juan of Valdez arrives with a thermos of coffee. The Queen takes a few sips and says, “Hmmmmm... Now that’s good coffee...” Janeway licks her lips, “Can I have some... please?” The Queen taunts, “Sorry, Captain... This is only for Borg helpers.” The Queen takes another sip and says, “Excellent coffee!! I’ve never had an orgasm while drinking coffee... But this blend might just do the trick!” Janeway says, “Please! Give me a cup! I’ll be more helpful, I promise!”
The Queen agrees. Janeway grabs a cup and drinks it quickly. She then says, “You know, my queen. I was going to take the coffee and then give you no information whatsoever. But now I’ve decided to tell you anything you want to know!” Tuvok shrieks, “Captain! What are you doing??” The Queen explains, “We’ve secretly switched the fine coffee normally served in this Collective with truth serum.” Janeway says, “Yes. And now I must only tell the truth. By the way Harry... You’re a nerd.”
The Queen laughs and says, “Okay, Captain. Do you remember Annorax? That sneaky little Krenim guy who liked to erase entire worlds from history?” Janeway says, “No, I don’t. You have forgotten than none of those events took place. Reset button, you know.” The Queen says, “On the contrary. This is anti-polaric chronoton coffee, it allows you to remember things from alternate timelines.”
Seven asks, “Do you have that in decaf?”
Janeway says, “Of course. I remember Annorax very well. He built a weapon ship designed to erase a species from existence.” The Queen says, “Excellent! Do you know where we might find Annorax in this timeframe?” Janeway says, “Probably on the Krenim Homeworld.” The Queen says, “Now why didn’t I think of that? Very good! All I need to do is track him down and have him rebuild his weapon ship. Then I will use the weapon ship to erase humanity from existence!”
Seven raises her hand, “Question? Why all the plotting and scheming? Why not just send about 30 Borg ships to assimilate Earth instead? Or why not just travel back in time and try to kill Zefram Cochrane again?”
The Queen says, “Hey! That would make too much sense!”
She hails a nearby Borg ship and says, “Okay. Prepare to transport us all aboard. And set a course for the Krenim Homeworld!” Janeway says, “Will you let my people go?” The Queen growls, “‘Let my people go... Let my people go.’ Who do you think you are, Moses?” Janeway whines, “You mean you’re not letting us go?? I trusted you! And now you are betraying us!” The Queen answers, “Well, duh! Weren’t you even listening to Chakotay’s scorpion parable? It’s our nature!”
Janeway explains, “Everybody pretty much tunes out whenever Chakotay begins speaking...”
Meanwhile... Back in the escape pod...
B’Elanna is busy trying to build a warp core for the escape pod. Unfortunately the only materials she has is a roll of paper towels, a can or orange soda, and an issue of Time magazine. She thinks to herself, “If MacGyver can do it, so can I!” Suddenly the pod is hailed by that backstabbing Arturis, who is in his own escape pod.
Arturis says, “Lt. Torres, I wish to help you out.” Chakotay responds, “HA! There’s an old saying: ‘Trick me once, shame on you. Trick me twice, shame on me.’” Torres scolds, “Chakotay! You idiot! He’s already tricked us twice...” Chakotay says, “Oh...” Torres sighs, “You can’t even count, can you?” Chakotay says, “Wrong! If I get naked, I can count to 21.” Torres says, “More like 20½...”
Arturis speaks again, “Come on, Torres. Let me help you out.” Torres asks, “Why should I believe you now?” Arturis answers, “Those Borg have ticked me off for the last time! They only kidnapped your crew... They did not assimilate my ship, the Dauntless!” Torres says, “So?” Arturis continues, “So?? This is the second time I’ve offered my ship to the Borg. And twice now they’ve stuck their Collective nose up at it! I’m going to make those snooty Borg pay dearly!”
Torres says, “So the Dauntless is adrift? We can reclaim it?” Arturis says, “Absolutely! It’s just a short distance away.” Torres replies, “Excellent! Now we’re making some progress! Chakotay, set a course for the Dauntless!”
Chakotay replies, “Do you really think it would only be 20½...?”
Meanwhile... Back on Voyager...
Vorik pages Wildman from his quarters, “Okay, Captain. I’ve gotten myself a Janeway wig and a pair of fake breasts.” Wildman asks, “Where on Earth did you find fake breasts?” Vorik replies, “Seven of Nine’s alcove... Duh...” Wildman says, “Very good. Report to the Bridge at once... And bring me a pair of those breasts on your way.”
Suddenly, Wildman hears muffled screams from the comm. Icheb says, “Muffled screams! Isn’t that a request for a beam out!?” Icheb and Wildman rush down to Vorik’s quarters and they find him dead. He’s been brutally stabbed 47 times.
Wildman gasps, “My God! He’s been murdered! The serial killer has struck again!” Icheb grins, “I just love these multi-episode story arcs...” Wildman then says, “Oh no! We no longer have a Janeway imposter. Starfleet won’t ever tell us the plan to get Voyager home.” Suddenly, Mr. Carey arrives and says, “Never fear! I’ve come up with a perfect solution!”
With that, Carey pulls out a holographic mobile emitter!
Wildman says, “Excuse me, but doesn’t the Doctor have the mobile emitter right now?” Carey replies, “Yes. But now we have two of them!” Wildman shrieks, “But how???”
Carey pulls out his wallet and says, “Right here, baby! My dramatic license!”
Wildman says, “Good work, Mr. Carey! So what the hell are we going to do with this mobile emitter?” Carey pauses for dramatic effect and says, “I’m bringing back... Holo-Janeway!” (insert dramatic music) Wildman smiles, “Of course! We’ll activate Holo-Janeway and Starfleet will assume she’s the real deal.” Icheb interrupts, “Um... Shouldn’t we be worried about the serial killer?”
Wildman answers, “I wouldn’t worry about it. They rarely strike twice in the same chapter...”
Meanwhile... The Borg ship approaches the Krenim Homeworld...
The Queen hails Annorax’s house. All they get is the machine, “I’m sorry. I’m not here to take your call right now. Please leave a message and I’ll call you back when I get the time. You see, time has moods. Happiness, bitterness, manic depression, psychosis...” (BEEP!) The Queen replies, “We are the Borg. We know you are home. You will pick up the phone. Resistance is futile.”
Suddenly a woman appears on screen and says, “I’m Mrs. Annorax, what do you want?” The Queen says, “I wish to speak to your husband at once. He must rebuild his weapon ship so we can erase a species from existence.” Annorax suddenly appears and says, “I’d be happy to help!” Mrs. Annorax suddenly slaps her husband and says, “Excuse me?? I think we’ve decided who wears the pants in this family. Do you remember the last time you said ‘Just a few more calculations’? Do you remember that?”
Annorax replies, “I remember... the wire hangers.”
Suddenly the Queen beams Annorax to her ship. She then says, “You have no say in the matter, Mrs. Annorax. I’m taking him by force.” The eternally paranoid Mrs. Annorax replies, “You’re sleeping with my husband, aren’t you? Annorax!! First it was your little boy-toy Obrist, and now this Borg floozy? You can expect to hear from my lawyer!!”
The transmission ends. Annorax turns to the Queen and says, “Don’t mind her. She’s just pre-menstrual. I’d be happy to help you build the weapon ship.” Janeway interrupts, “Excuse me... Are you ever going to let my people go?” The Queen replies, “Fine! What a baby!” With that, the Queen beams Voyager’s senior officers to the Krenim Homeworld, and the Borg ship jumps into transwarp space...
Meanwhile... Chakotay, Torres and Arturis have returned to the Dauntless...
Arturis and Torres are busy preparing the ship for a battle with the Borg. Chakotay whines, “Are you sure I can’t help? I’ve got nothing to do!” Arturis says, “Fine! There’s a toy box down on deck ten. Go play there for a while...” Chakotay jumps for joy and rushes down to deck ten.
B’Elanna then says “I think everything is ready to go now.”
The Dauntless jumps to slipstream and a short time later returns to Borg space. A Borg cube approaches them...
Arturis quickly hails the Borg and says, “Please! Just tell me what’s wrong with my ship! Why won’t you assimilate it??” The Borg reply, “Arturis... Your ship sucks. We’ve told you.” Torres growls, “I knew you couldn’t be trusted, Arturis!” With that, Torres pulls out a phaser and kills Arturis.
The Borg then say, “Whoa! You don’t fool around, do you?” Torres says, “That’s right! And you better tell me where to find Voyager’s crew.” The Borg answers, “They’ve been left on the Krenim Homeworld.” Torres says, “Cool. Thanks. We’ll be leaving now.” The Borg then say, “Excuse me. Don’t you know who we are? We are the Borg. You will be assimilated.” Torres puts her hands on her hips and replies, “Don’t you know who I am?? B’Elanna Torres. The coolest person on this whole show. Don’t you dare mess with me!”
The Borg reply, “Have a nice day!”
With that, the Dauntless goes to slipstream velocity...
Meanwhile... Annorax has already finished building the new weapon ship...
The Borg Queen says, “I’m impressed! You did that in record time!” Annorax answers, “Oh you’d be surprised how much I get done without the nagging old hag breathing down my neck...” The Borg Queen says, “I’m not surprised. Your wife is pretty irritating.” Annorax says, “No... I meant you. I appreciate you leaving me alone while I was working.” The Queen says, “Oh. Well, since the ship is complete now. We’re ready to complete our mission. Set a course, Annorax!”
Annorax asks, “A course for where? Where should I take us?” The Queen says, “Well, since the plan is to erase Earth from existence, the best bet would probably be setting a course for Earth.” Annorax then says, “Of course! Boy, are you smart!”
With that, the weapon ship jumps to weapon ship space. (Transwarp space and slipstream space were too full.)
Meanwhile... Back on Voyager...
Holo-Janeway has returned. She enters the bridge of Voyager. Wildman says, “Excellent! Now we’re in business! Icheb, hail Starfleet!” Admiral Hayes appears on screen again and says, “Ah, Captain Janeway! We’ve got good news for you!” Holo-Janeway says, “Wait! First of all, there’s been a terrible mixup on Voyager. Somehow the command codes ended up in Ensign Wildman’s control. How do we switch them back?”
Hayes answers, “Simple. I’ll override it for you. Computer: Transfer command codes to Captain...” Holo-Janeway interrupts, “Just tell the computer to transfer the codes to Holo-Janeway. It’s my little nickname...” Hayes says, “Very good. Computer: Transfer command codes to Holo-Janeway.” The computer replies, “Transfer complete... Holo-Janeway is in full command of Voyager.” Wildman whispers, “I just hate you, Holo-Janeway...”
Meanwhile... on the Krenim Homeworld...
The Voyager senior officers are having to stay with Mrs. Annorax. Unfortunately Mrs. Annorax won’t ever shut up. She keeps saying, “And get this... My husband actually thinks time has moods and colors. Like it was a mood ring or something. And he’s always whining about the colony on Kiana Prime. Scan the continuum, that’s all he ever says...”
Janeway says, “You just need to shut up. You’re rather annoying. I almost find myself missing Commander Chakotay...”
Suddenly, Janeway is hailed by the Dauntless. Torres says, “Captain! We’ve come to save you.” Janeway says, “Great! Lock phasers on Mrs. Annorax and fire!!” Torres says, “No. I mean, I was going to beam you all aboard the Dauntless.”
Janeway says, “Oh, okay. That works, too...”
Torres beams them aboard and says, “Excellent! Now we can return to Earth!” Mr. Kim says, “No! We can’t do that! You don’t understand! Annorax and the Borg Queen are planning to erase Earth from existence, we have to stop them!” Torres says, “Well, wouldn’t that also require returning to Earth?”
Kim says, “Ooooooh. I see your point...”
Janeway interrupts, “No! You people are all wrong! The first thing we must do is solve the mystery of my temporal paradox!” Tuvok shouts, “Enough with your paradox already!” Janeway says, “Hey, I’m the Captain here!” Torres says, “Not really. This is the Dauntless, remember. Computer: Tell us who has the Dauntless command codes!”
The computer replies, “Well... since Arturis is dead. Nobody really has the command codes anymore. They’re up for grabs.” Janeway quickly says, “Computer: I got dibs!” The computer replies, “Acknowledged. The Dauntless is now commanded by Kathryn Janeway.”
Janeway says, “Good! Now we will do things my way! We will investigate my temporal paradox!”
Mrs. Annorax hails Janeway and says, “I hear you’re off to investigate your little paradox. I think you’ll need me to come with you. I am an expert when it comes to temporal mechanics.” Chakotay says, “What good would a temporal mechanic be? We don’t even own a temporal car!” Janeway ignores Chakotay and says, “Very well, Mrs. Annorax. You can come along.”
With that, Mrs. Annorax beams aboard and the Dauntless is on its way...
Back on Voyager...
Holo-Janeway says, “Okay, Admiral. I’ve been told you have a way to bring Voyager back to Earth.” Hayes answers, “Yes. But I’m afraid it involves quite a bit of technobabble...” Holo-Janeway says, “Don’t worry! I think Naomi here can handle it. After all, she came up with a plan to rescue Seven of Nine from the Borg!” Hayes says, “Impressive! Very well. You need to use your deflector dish to emit an anti-polaric discharge. Then reroute power to the secondary plasma manifold relays and set the warp coils to a parametric frequency.”
Naomi quickly pushes the buttons marked: “Press me for those anti-polaric discharges,” “This one here will do the secondary plasma manifold relays,” and “You, too can set your warp coils to a parametric frequency.” Naomi then says, “Done!”
Hayes says, “Excellent! You’ve just opened a wormhole that leads directly to Earth. Now all I have to tell you is the coordinates to where you can enter this wormhole!”
Wildman grows impatient, “Okay! Give us the coordinates!” Hayes says, “Well, do you have a pen?” Holo-Janeway growls, “Yes! Just give us the coordinates already!” Hayes says, “Very well. The coordinates are...”
Hayes pauses for a coughing spell. Holo-Janeway says, “You’re ticking me off, pal!” Hayes says, “Sorry! The coordinates are....”
Just then, the transmission becomes very distorted. Hayes says, “Sorry! No time to talk right now! We are under attack! Some sort of weapon ship!”
The transmission suddenly ends. Wildman says, “Swell! This really isn’t my day...”