The Final Thrombosis, Chapter 4: “The Battle of the CGI Starships”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published April 26, 2001
“Captain’s Log: Supplemental. Captain’s breasts: Supple. My crew and I have taken control of the Dauntless. I have ordered us to investigate my temporal paradox. The crew doesn’t seem to agree with my decision. They’ve stoned me a number of times. But I cannot give in to their petty tyranny. I must unravel the paradox. My very sanity is at stake. Of course, I’ve learned that the Borg Queen has teamed up with Annorax to erase Earth from history. I suppose I should put the needs of my planet ahead of my own...But then again, this wouldn’t be Star Trek: Voyager if I wasn’t making some deadly mistake. Ensign Wildman and her Anti-Voyagers are still in command of Voyager. But unbeknowst to me, the serial killer has struck again... Brutually murdering Ensign Vorik. Of course, I wonder how I am able to put this item into my log entry when I am unbeknowst of it. But then again, this wouldn’t be Star Trek: Voyager if the entire plot made sense...”
Janeway completes her log entry and arrives on the Dauntless bridge and screams, “Report!!!” Mr. Tuvok says, “We are approaching the temporal vortex.” Janeway asks, “How long until we reach the perimeter?” Tuvok answers, “One minute, Captain.” Chakotay stares at his watch for exactly thirty seconds and then says, “Captain! Thirty seconds until we reach the perimeter!!” Janeway glares at Chakotay. Chakotay smiles and says, “You see, Captain? I can be useful!” Janeway says, “Yes, Chakotay. You’ve finally differentiated the big hand from the little hand. You’re just a regular Isaac Newton...” Chakotay smiles, “Isaac Newton? You mean the guy who invented gravity?? Gee thanks, Captain!” Janeway growls, “He discovered it, you dumbass!”
Tuvok interrupts, “Captain, we are now at the vortex perimeter.” Janeway says, “Very good. Take us in.” Just then, another ship emerges from the vortex. It’s the Relativity! Janeway says, “My God! It’s that troublesome ship from the 29th century. Hail them!” Captain Braxton appears on screen and babbles, “Voyager must die! ‘A’ leads to ‘B’ leads to ‘C’ leads to ‘A’ leads to...”
Chakotay interrupts, “Sorry, pal. I know my alphabet. ‘A’ leads to ‘B’ leads to ‘C’ leads to... Um... Okay, I don’t know anything past ‘C.’ Nevermind...”
Janeway says, “Captain Braxton! What’s wrong with you?” Braxton answers, “I’ve gone off the deep end. I’ve turned psychotic. It was caused by my illness. I have been infected with temporal aphasia.” Chakotay says, “Dude... If you wore a condom, you wouldn’t catch stuff like that...” Braxton ignores Chakotay and says, “Voyager! Voyager has ruined my career!!” Janeway says, “Now you know how Jennifer Lien feels.” Braxton continues, “The only way to cure my illness is to erase the Voyager crew from history!” Janeway gripes, “Are we the only people in the universe not capable of erasing things from history??” Braxton laughs fiendishly, “Prepare to be destroyed!”
Chakotay says, “Thanks for the warning... I’ll get started on my will.”
The transmission ends. Janeway turns to Tuvok and says, “Lock a complement of torpedoes onto Relativity.” Chakotay asks, “Well, there’s not really much to compliment a torpedo on. You can’t really say something like, ‘I love your outfit’ or...” Tuvok then says, “Captain! It’s too late, Relativity has engaged their temporal shields!” Janeway says, “Well, modify our torpedoes! Turn them into temporal torpedoes!” Tuvok says, “We don’t have that kind of technology!” Janeway asks, “Has that been made canon?” Tuvok answers, “I don’t think so.” Janeway says, “Good! Then there’s nothing stopping us! Get to work!”
Meanwhile... on Voyager...
Ensign Wildman whines, “This is so not fair! The Federation is so self-absorbed and self-centered that they can’t tell us the location of the wormhole... Because they’re about to be destroyed??” Holo-Janeway takes control, “I’ll handle this. Get Admiral Hayes on the viewscreen again.” Hayes appears on the screen and shouts, “What do you people want?? Can’t you see we are terribly terribly busy??”
Just then a crewman appears on the screen and says, “Here’s your tea, Admiral.” Hayes replies, “Ah... Thank you.” He takes a sip and says, “Yum... Good tea.”
He then returns to the viewscreen and says, “As I was saying... We have no time for your trivial matters!” Holo-Janeway shouts, “Not so fast, Admiral! We know all about this weapon ship that is about to attack Earth!” Hayes replies, “You do???” Holo-Janeway answers, “Of course... It’s a Borg ship, isn’t it?” Hayes answers, “No.” Holo-Janeway tries again, “Species 8472??” Hayes answers, “No.” Holo-Janeway tries once more, “Krenim?” Hayes shouts, “Yes! Exactly!” Holo-Janeway says, “Aha! I told you so! We have weapons on Voyager that will destroy that Krenim weapon ship... Too bad we don’t have the coordinates to a convenient wormhole...”
Hayes giggles, “I was just teasing about that part... Let me transmit the coordinates...”
Naomi then announces, “I have the coordinates!” Holo-Janeway’s voice booms, “Well done! Set a course... Maximum warp! We will be there soon, Admiral. Just hold on tight.” Admiral Hayes grabs a shapely-curved Ensign and says, “Don’t worry, I will...”
Meanwhile... On the Krenim weapon-ship...
The Borg Queen shouts, “What are you waiting for?? Fire the weapon!” Annorax replies, “Don’t get your nodes in a knot. I’m bringing the weapon to full power. What should be the focal point?” The Borg Queen replies, “Sioux Falls, South Dakota!” Annorax asks, “Why Sioux Falls?” The Queen answers, “Just because it’s a dumb town... period.” Annorax then asks, “Well, where can I find South Dakota?” The Queen replies, “South Dakota? It’s a little south of North Dakota... idiot.” Annorax replies, “Gotcha!”
Just then... Voyager arrives from the wormhole and approaches Earth...
Hayes hails Voyager again and says, “What are you waiting for... Destroy the weapon ship!” Holo-Janeway whispers to her crew, “Oh dear... I didn’t realize they’d make us follow through on our destruction promise...” The lightbulb goes off over Ensign Wildman’s head, “Don’t worry, Admiral! We’ve dealt with this enemy before. We just need to ram a ship into the ship’s temporal core! And I think Captain Janeway here should be the one to do it.” Hayes agrees, “Good thinking! Get on it, Janeway!” Holo-Janeway panics, “But... But... If I ram Voyager into the weapon ship, the rest of my crew will be killed!” Wildman then says, “Already considered, Captain. You can take one of the shuttlecraft. All 147 of them are ready.”
Holo-Janeway growls, “I just hate you, Wildman...”
Minutes later... on the weapon ship...
The Borg Queen barks, “Annorax! Hurry up and fire the weapon! That Holographic Janeway is heading right for us in a shuttlecraft!” Annorax replies, “She’s bluffing! As long as she doesn’t do that ‘Time’s.... up’ line, we’ll be okay.”
Holo-Janeway suddenly hails the weapon ship, “Time’s.... up!”
Annorax cries. The Borg Queen races for the transporter room. Moments later, KABOOM! the weapon ship is destroyed. Admiral Hayes then hails Voyager and says, “Well done. Captain Janeway has saved the day.”
Wildman adds, “I helped...”
Hayes replies, “So...? I don’t even know who you are. But that’s beside the point. Voyager... Welcome home!!” Just then, Voyager starts to shake and shimmy. Icheb yells, “Captain Wildman! The wormhole is pulling us back inside!” Wildman shouts, “Hayes! What kind of dumbass wormhole is this??” Hayes replies, “Well, obviously not a very good one...”
Suddenly, Voyager is sucked back into the wormhole. They arrive at the point where they first entered the wormhole. And the wormhole disappears. Wildman gripes, “Talk about your reset button...”
Meanwhile... Back on the Dauntless...
Tuvok reports, “I have completed the new temporal torpedoes.” Chakotay sighs, “I’d feel better if they were permanent torpedoes...” Janeway screams, “He said temporal... Not temporary!!” Kim then says, “Captain, don’t be so tempermental about the temporary temporal torpedoes.” Janeway walks over, smacks Mr. Kim and says, “This is why you don’t get any lines, Ensign.” Janeway then shouts, “Okay Tuvok... Fire!”
The Dauntless fires on the Relativity. Captain Braxton suddenly hails them and says, “No fair! The people of the 24th century don’t have the capability of building temporal torpedoes.” Janeway gloats, “Just point out the canon that says we don’t...” Braxton growls, “Fine... You win! Now what do you want?” Janeway says, “I want to know the truth. Were you the one who caused my temporal paradox?”
Braxton asks, “What temporal paradox?” Janeway replies, “My memories of therapy sessions are returning to Earth a number of times.” Braxton says, “My dear, I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Janeway screams, “But it must be a temporal paradox!” Braxton suggests, “My dear, have you ever considered the fact that you are getting on in years, and that you’ve done a lot of drinking in your time? Not to mention quite a bit of acid, from what I’ve heard. And is it possible that you are simply delusional?”
Janeway says, “Could be...”
Janeway then turns to her crew and says, “My friends. I’ve come to a decision. I’ve decided that my temporal paradox should not be our primary concern. We are running out of time. I must get my crew home. And I think it’s time we employed this ship’s slipstream engines.”
Just then Braxton shouts on the viewscreen, “Sucker!!!”
At that moment, two more starships come out of the temporal vortex... It’s the USS Equinox and the USS Prometheus!
Janeway screams, “My God! No doubt the evil Captain Ransom is in command of the Equinox. But I’m sure the Prometheus will be on our side. Hail them!”
Just then, an old familiar friend appears on screen... It’s Seska!
Janeway shouts, “Seska!” Seska replies, “That’s right, Captain. As you can see, I’m in the process of restoring my Cardassian physiology... And that I’ve taken control of the Prometheus!” Janeway says, “I just don’t believe it’s possible!!” Seska replies, “Oh, I can explain it. You see, the Prometheus came across my corpse in space and...”
Janeway interrupts, “Not that! I don’t care about that. I just can’t believe that you are restoring your own physiology and that you’ve still chosen to make yourself so damn butt-ugly!” Seska then says, “Hello, Chakotay... Lovely to see you again.” Chakotay says, “Seska! You stay away from me! You’re not stealing anymore of my DNA!” Seska asks, “Oh really? What makes you think I can’t?”
Chakotay stutters, “Um.... Because... I’m all out of DNA...”
Seska replies, “Don’t worry, Chuckles. If I ever need an army of incredibly stupid soldiers, then I’ll come steal your DNA. Otherwise, you’ll be fine.”
Just then Captain Ransom interrupts the conversation and says, “This is all very touching, but we’ve come to destroy Janeway’s crew. That way I can go back to murdering those computer-generated aliens and get my crew home.” Janeway panics, “You must not! Please, I’ll give you the Dauntless and its slipstream drive. But just leave those aliens alone!” Ransom replies, “Now what would be the fun in that?” Just then, first officer Max says, “The Dauntless is in firing range... Say goodbye, BLT.”
Janeway quickly ends the transmission. She turns to her crew and screams, “Battlestations!!!” Tuvok replies, “We are already at battlestations.” Janeway shouts, “Good!!!” Mr. Paris turns to Torres and says, “Why on Earth were you dating such an ugly, ugly man... BLT?” Torres replies, “You checked a mirror lately, Turkey Platter? I’m a sucker for charity cases.”
Meanwhile... Back on Voyager...
Ensign Wildman laments, “Well, at least we got rid of Holo-Janeway. But now we’re stuck back where we were... 35,000 light years from home.” Icheb does some calculations and says, “That would make it 770,000 light months.” Wildman growls, “Thank you... Dork.” Just then a voice bellows, “Don’t worry... I’ll help you.”
Wildman turns around and sees... The Borg Queen! The Queen explains, “You see, I beamed myself to Voyager just before the weapon ship was destroyed.” Wildman replies, “How nice for you...” The Queen then says, “But I’m prepared to fit your engine with some transwarp coils.” Wildman says, “Hot damn! Then we’ll be able to get back to Earth in no time!” The Queen says, “On the contrary. You will take me back to Borg space.” Wildman whines, “But that’s totally in the opposite direction.” The Queen then says, “But if we don’t get your daughter back to Borg space, we won’t possibly be able to heal her injuries.” Wildman says, “What?? What injuries??”
The Queen laughs and says, “Glad you asked.” With that, the Queen pulls out a Borg phaser and shoots Naomi Wildman. The Queen then says, “Those injuries!”
Icheb starts laughing uncontrollably. Wildman screams, “It’s not funny, Icheb!” Icheb says, “What? It’s a riot! Now if only the UPN people would put that part into the promo, the ratings will skyrocket!!” Wildman quickly beams Naomi to sickbay and then says, “Okay, Queenie. You win. You can take us to Borg space. But I’m telling you something right now... If my daughter dies...” The queen says, “Yes??” Wildman replies, “...We’ll have a funeral.”
Icheb is still laughing and says, “Yes, it will put the ‘fun’ back into ‘funeral.’”
With that, Wildman sets a course for Borg space...
Meanwhile... Back on the Dauntless...
Tuvok announces, “The three starships have surrounded us!” (Insert really fancy computer generated effects of the Dauntless being surrounded by three other starships.) Janeway says, “Tuvok... Wait! Do we still have those temporal torpedoes?” Paris says, “No, Captain... We used them to build a log cabin on deck four... What the hell do you think?” Janeway says, “You’re begging for it, buddy...” Tuvok then says, “Yes, Captain. The torpedoes are ready!” Janeway smiles and says, “Fire!!”
With that, Voyager fires its temporal torpedoes... Seriously damaging the three starships.
Tuvok then says, “Captain. I suggest we get out of here before they have a chance to regroup.” Chakotay says, “I must have missed the part where they degrouped...” Janeway says, “Very well. Engage the slipstream drive, and set a course for Earth.”
Just then Tuvok says, “Captain! The long range sensors are showing Voyager! It’s on a course for Borg space!” Chakotay asks, “What about the short range sensors?” Janeway ignores Chakotay and says, “Well, isn’t this an interesting turn of events. I say, we set our own course for Borg space!” Tuvok gasps, “That would not be very logical.” Janeway replies, “But we’d be able to take back Voyager. Then we could fit Voyager with the slipstream engines from this ship!” Tuvok says, “Actually, Captain, the scans show that Voyager has already been fit with transwarp engines.” Janeway says, “I know... But the lights from the slipstream engines are prettier. Not to mention the fact that we’d be able to kick the crap out of those Anti-Voyagers!”
Tuvok then says, “Your logic is flawed, Captain. But it sure does sound like fun.”
With that, Voyager jumps to slipstream velocity...
Meanwhile... The three enemy starships have joined forces and are working together on board the Equinox.
Captain Braxton says, “If I can fit this ship with temporal engines, we’ll be able to catch up with Janeway and her crew.” Seska asks, “Doesn’t anybody use V-8 engines anymore?” Ransom then adds, “Besides, the damage from those temporal torpedoes has been too extreme. We can’t possibly wage a battle with them!” Just then, Max shouts, “On the contrary! I’ve looked it up in the Star Trek Encyclopedia. It says that the Federation develops temporal torpedo techonology in the year 2947.” Braxton says, “Aha! Canon! The damage to this ship should not exist!”
With that, the damage miraculously heals itself.
Seska smiles proudly and says, “Ah... The power of canon.” Braxton says, “I’ll get started fitting this ship with the temporal engines...”
Meanwhile... Back on Voyager...
Wildman says, “There, your Queenieness. We have arrived in Borg space. Now will you save my daughter?” The Queen replies, “A promise is a promise.” With that, the Borg Queen, Ensign Wildman and Icheb rush down to Sickbay. They arrive to find Naomi... Dead! Wildman screams, “She’s dead! You liar!”
The Queen says, “Hey! She’s not dead from the phaser wound. Looks like she’s been stabbed about 47 times. Wildman says, “My God... You’re right! The dastardly serial killer has struck again!!”
Icheb doubles over in laughter. Wildman screams, “What’s so funny??” Icheb laughs, “First Naomi is shot... Then stabbed! If UPN puts both of these into the promo, we might just beat The West Wing!”