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Star Trek: Degenerations

Written by Jason Gaston

Author’s Note: Pleasure will be enhanced exponentially by watching the movie Star Trek: Generations... it’s not too bad!

A bottle of Zima tumbles through space and impacts on the side of the newest Enterprise (at least until the next one) 1701-B. The impact causes a massive hull breach and sixty nameless redshirts are sucked out to their deaths. Three weeks later, after extensive repairs and lawsuits, Kirk, Scotty, and Chekov arrive with a slew of reporters.

Reporters
[overlapping] Captain Kirk! How does if feel to be back on the bridge of the Enterprise? Did you have sex with Monica Lewinski? Commander Scott, what do you think of the Enterprise-B? Do you think there’s any truth to the rumors that Captain Harriman suffers from severe head trauma? Commander Chekov... uh... no questions for you.
Harriman
[trying to silence the reporters] Excuse me... Excuse me... Shaddapp, wouldya!?

The reporters shut up and look at Harriman, obviously wondering who in their right mind would make this guy a captain.

Harriman
I’m Captain Harriman, and I would like to welcome you all aboard.
Kirk
Well then, why don’t you?
Harriman
Why don’t I what?
Kirk
Welcome us aboard?
Harriman
I just did.
Kirk
Did what?
Harriman
Welcome you aboard.
Kirk
Thank you, Captain Harriman, it’s a pleasure to be here.
Harriman
Right... Let me just say how thrilled I am to have a group of living legends and Commander Chekov on board. I remember watching you in syndication when I was in grade school last week.

There is a long pause as Kirk and Harriman stare at each other. The silence is only interrupted by the occasional cough from the occasional reporter.

Kirk
Mind if we take a look around?
Harriman
Sure. Sure. Just don’t touch anything.

Kirk, Scotty, and Chekov disperse and start looking around the bridge while reporters follow and harass them. One reporter walks up to Kirk.

Reporter
So, tell me Captain. This is the first Starship Enterprise since Star Trek VI without Captain Kirk as the captain. How do you feel about that?
Kirk
I think it sucks ass. I mean, have you seen that Harriman guy? What a freakin’ putz!
Reporter
What have you been up to since you were fired?
Kirk
Retired!
Reporter
Whatever.
Kirk
I’ve been keeping busy.
Reporter
Writing a much-dreaded Tek book?
Kirk
It’s not that dreaded!
Everyone on Bridge
Yes it is.

Kirk waves them off. Chekov walks up to him with an attractive young Asian girl.

Chekov
Captain, may I present Ensign Demora Sulu.
Kirk
Why thank you, Chekov... she’s lovely, but I don’t know where I’m going to put her.
Chekov
Captain, this is the Helmsman of the Enterprise-B.
Kirk
What a minute... Demora Sulu... Sulu... Sulu... Sulu... Why does that name seem so familiar? I got it! Wasn’t Sulu the guy with the pointy ears?
Chekov
No, Captain... Sulu was the helmsman. Demora is Sulu’s daughter.
Kirk
I see... well, Demora, it wouldn’t be the Enterprise without a Sulu to steal scenes from. Well, I guess it would be the Enterprise without a Sulu. On the other hand, it would still be the Enterprise if you painted the whole ship purple with pink polka dots and... Hey, where’d she go? Chekov? Where’d she...?

Kirk turns and sees that Chekov has ditched him as well. Scotty walks by and Kirk grabs him by the arm.

Scotty
Ahhh!!! I didn’t know that the little red button would decompress the shuttlebay! Oh, Captain Kirk! Uh... forget what I just said.
Kirk
Scotty, it absolutely amazes me.
Scotty
What’s that, sir?
Kirk
Sulu! When did he have time to knock up some intergalactic space babe and punch out a knockout like Demora over there, when I was the one who was supposedly getting all the chicks?
Scotty
Well, it’s like you’ve always said sir. If something’s important, you make the time!
Harriman
Excuse me, gentlemen... could you please take your seats?

Kirk walks over and sits in the captain’s chair. Harriman glowers at him until he finally takes his proper seat in the darkest corner of the bridge.

Harriman
Okey-dokey! Turn on the engines, and... uh... prepare to go into space or something. Captain Kirk!
Kirk
What?
Harriman
I’d be pleased if you’d give the order to get underway.

Kirk mouths the words: “...son of a bitch!”

Harriman
Please sir, I insist.
Kirk
Fine fine. [stands up] Prepare to leave space dock, aft thruster at full port and starboard at station keeping. Take us out! Let’s get this party started! [walks over to man in old Titanic uniform standing in front of an antique wooden steering wheel] Mr. Murdock, let’s stretch her legs.
Murdock
Aye, Captain Smith.
Kirk
Kirk.
Murdock
Whatever.

A little while later...

Harriman
Well, folks... we just clear the asteroid belt with a minimum of casualties. [he walks past a huge rock embedded in the hull, lying atop a dead redshirt] Now we’ll go out around Pluto and then on to Mickey and then Donald if we have time.

His laugher dies as the joke bombs.

Crewman
We’re picking up a distress call, Captain.
Harriman
[starts sweating] Oh, shit... On speakers.
Speakers
This is the transport ship Lollipop... we’re caught in some kind of............ can’t break free! Need imm.....iate help! It’s tearing us apart! ....like some kind of big ribbon thing! Hey, that’s pretty catchy! I like that...
Harriman
[to Demora] Can you locate them?
Demora
The Lollipop and its sister ship are three light years away.
Harriman
Can you locate them? Nevermind that... signal the closest ship. We’re in no condition to mount a rescue.
Demora
We’re the only one in range sir.
Harriman
But... w-we’re still in the solar system! There’s got to be another ship in range!
Demora
Nope, we’re the only one.
Harriman
Well, look harder.
Demora
Looking... Looking... Looking... Nope, we’re it.
Harriman
Any chance that if we did nothing the whole thing might work out on it’s own?
Demora
Uh... no... don’t think so sir.

Harriman is now sweating profusely and wondering why the universe is being so mean to him all of the sudden. He also wants his banky and teddy.

Harriman
Well.... I-I-I g-guess it’s up to us. [takes a puff from an inhaler] T-Take us there, maximum w-warp.

A few minutes later, the Enterprise arrives at the site of the energy ribbon.

Chekov
What the hell is that?
Demora
It’s an energy ribbon!
Chekov
Not that. [points] That!!!

A big slimy alien emerges, grabs a redshirt. and carries him screaming and kicking into the turbolift where the sounds of crunching and squishing are heard for a few seconds. Everyone looks back at the viewscreen.

Demora
I’ve found the transport ships! [she puts them on the viewer] Their hulls are buckling under the stress... they won’t survive much more of this!

An energy bolt hits the ship.

Harriman
[screaming like a little girl] AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Tuvok
We’re encountering severe grava... grava... gr...
Demora
Gravimetric distortions.
Tuvok
Right, what she said.
Harriman
W-We’ll have to keep our d-distance. We... [has a mild asthma attack] We don’t want to be pulled in too! [Looks at Tuvok] You’re on the wrong show, buddy!
Tuvok
You’re talking, Twister boy?
Demora
Yeah, isn’t Ferris Bueller taking another day off?
Kirk
Tractor beam.
Harriman
What?
Kirk
Tractor beam!
Harriman
You mean that dilly that we can tow stuff with?
Kirk
Yes!
Harriman
It won’t be installed until Tuesday.

Harriman gets an idea.

Harriman
I’ve got an idea! Let’s try generating a subspace field around the two ships. That ought to kill a few minutes.

Demora does the subspace field thing.

Demora
You’re right, sir. That was a total waste of time.
Harriman
Release all of our drive plasma into the ribbon. That might do something.
Demora
Okay... Releasing drive plasma. [all of the lights go out] You’re right sir, now that we’ve released all of the drive plasma, our power’s gone down eighty percent.
Tuvok
Sir, the starboard vessel’s hull is...

The starboard vessel explodes.

Tuvok
Uh... Nevermind.
Chekov
How many people were on that ship?
Demora
Two hundred sixty five. All aliens.
Chekov
That’s a relief.
Demora
The other ship could explode at an second.

Harriman looks like he really needs a drink. I mean, the guy’s a total wreck. He’s sweating and clammy, and by the smell of things, he’s probably lost control of his bodily functions.

Harriman
Captain Kirk, I would...
Kirk
[jumps out of his seat] First, move us into transporter range and beam those people to the Enterprise.
Harriman
But what about the gravametic stuff? It’ll tear us apart!
Kirk
Risk is part of the game if you want to sit in that chair.

They look over at the captain’s chair which bursts into flames.

Harriman
Helm, take us in!
Kirk
And second, turn that damn thing off!

Chekov turns off his Tetris game and pouts. The Enterprise-B moves closer to the energy ribbon.

Demora
We’re within range, sir.
Harriman
B-Beam them directly to sickbay.
Chekov
How big is your medical staff?
Harriman
The medical staff doesn’t get here until Tuesday.
Chekov
[to a reporter] You believe this shit? Come on, you can help me do nothing down there.

Chekov and the two reporters leave.

Tuvok
Sir, I’m having trouble locking onto them. They appear to be in some techno-garbage thing that’s screwing up our transporter and... aw, to hell with this. I’m going back to Voyager.

Tuvok clicks his heels together three times and disappears. Scotty takes over his position.

Scotty
What the hell? Where are all of the knobs and sliding thingies? All they’ve got on this control panel are a bunch of flat buttons! This is plexiglass!
Demora
The other ship’s hull is collapsing!
Kirk
Scotty!!! Pick a button and push it!!!

Scotty does a short round of eeney-meeny-miny-moe and hits a button just as the other ship explodes.

Scotty
Hey, it worked! I got forty out of two hundred and fifty! Not bad!

The ship is hit. Everyone goes flying to one side of the bridge. Captain Harriman is crying and sucking his thumb.

Harriman
I’m not supposed to be a captain!!! It was a clerical error!!! A clerical error!!!
Kirk
Report!!!
Crewman
We’re caught in the ribbon! We’re all going to die!!
Harriman
I want my mommy!!!
Kirk
Quiet! [backhands Harriman]

Meanwhile, in sickbay, Chekov and the two reporters are helping the alien refugees.

Refugees
The colors! The colors! I can see this light dancing! There was this fat guy chopping wood!
Chekov
It’s going to be all right! You’re going to be all right! You’re going to be... Hey, don’t touch me!
Soran
[grabs a reporter] Why!!?? Why did you take me away!? I have to go back! I must go back!!! Take me back now!!!

Chekov hits him.

Chekov
Freak.

A woman falls in the background.

Chekov
Here, let me help you.
Kathie Lee
Thanks... boy! This is the last time I use Carnival Cruise Lines!

Another woman walks by babbling to herself. We see that it’s Guinan.

Guinan
I told you, Sam... I don’t need this right now. You’re going to have to tell Demi Moore that you love her on your own. And what the hell does ‘ditto’ mean, anyway?

Back on the bridge, all hell is breaking loose.

Kirk
Report!
Demora
All hell is breaking loose sir!
Scotty
I have a plan!
Kirk
That won’t do us any good, Mr. Scott! We need a way to break free of this energy ribbon!
Scotty
Actually, all we need to do is shoot a photon torpedo at it.
Kirk
Sounds good. Prepare to fire a torpedo at my mark.
Demora
Captain, we don’t have any torpedoes.
Harriman
[sitting in his own excrement] T-T-They don’t arrive until Tuesday.
Kirk
Tell me, does your ability to command also arrive on Tuesday?

Harriman says nothing as he pees his pants.

Scotty
We have to figure out how to cause a big explosion in front of us so that the ribbon will let us go!

The bridge officers raise their hands and start shouting, “Me! Me! Pick me!”

Scotty
Okay, you had your hand up first.
Crewman 1
We could... uh... shoot a torpedo.
Scotty
No. Okay, you?
Crewman 2
Fire phasers?
Scotty
Wrong. You?
Crewman 3
We... could eject the warp core and fire phasers at it.
Scotty
Too easy and not enough technobabble. You?
Harriman
We... could... fire the deflector at it!

Scotty looks at Harriman.

Scotty
Do ya’ have any idea how foolish an’ dangerous that is, laddie? Why, whoever we sent down there to that dangerous and inaccessable part of the ship would surely be...

An evil grin crosses his face as he looks over at Kirk.

Scotty
Oh, captain! I have a job for you!

A few minutes later, Kirk is running through the most dangerous portions of the Enterprise-B. He dodges exploding consoles, falling debris, poisonous snakes, booby traps, and man-eating tigers until he reaches deflector control. Once there, he rewires a few things and presses the “turn the deflector into a big phaser” button.

Kirk
That’s it! Let’s go!

The Enterprise shoots the ribbon and escapes, but not before a lightning bolt shoots off the lower section of the ship. People on the bridge fly all over the place. Harriman pukes on the deck.

Demora
We’re clear of the ribbon, Captain.
Harriman
[climbs out from underneath the console] G-Good. Give me a damage report.
Demora
There are a lot of things broken — a bunch of the ship fell off.
Harriman
Which part of the ship fell off?
Demora
Uh... the... deflector part.
Scotty
Oh my god... how are we going to get home without a deflector?
Harriman
Say, wasn’t Kirk working on the deflector?
Scotty
Oh dear... Tell Chekov to meet me on deck fifteen.

Scotty boards the turbolift and, as the doors slide shut, laughs maniacally. A few minutes later, Harriman, Scotty, and Chekov stare at the huge Kirk-shaped hole in the side of what was once the deflector room.

Chekov
My god, was anyone in here?
Scotty
Uh-huh. The captain.
Chekov
You mean...?
Scotty
[nodds slowly]
Chekov
We’re finally rid of him?

Scotty and Chekov high five as the camera moves out the Kirk-shaped hole in the side of the Enterprise-B and out into space. Slowly, the crippled starship turns and heads back to Earth.

Chekov
Hey, did one of you guys shit your pants?

Seventy some-odd years later, we see a great sailing ship on the ocean. It is the USS Minnow and on board we see the entire crew of the USS Enterprise-D dressed in a bunch of gay-looking navy uniforms.

Picard
Bring out the prisoner!

Worf, dressed as a pirate, is lead out onto the deck by Troi, who is dressed like a dominatrix.

Picard
Mr. Worf, are you prepared to face the charges?
Troi
[cracks a whip] Answer him!
Worf
I am prepared to face my charges.
Picard
[takes out a scroll] Mr. Worf, you owe $55.65 on your Mastercard, $450.99 on your Discover, $97.34 on your...
Riker
Wrong charges sir.
Picard
Oh... [takes out another scroll] Mr. Worf, you are accused of shooting first and asking questions later, running headlong into battle for no good reason at all and with no plan whatsoever, and finally, for being a big, big, man. So, I am promoting you to Lieutenant Commander for the hell of it. That’s all, throw him into the water.

All of the crew pick Worf up and chuck him over the side into the shark-infested waters. He lands on Leonardo DiCaprio’s frozen body before a Great White pulls him under.

Data
[to Dr. Crusher] I find this most confusing. Why is everyone laughing? Why is it so funny that Worf is being torn to pieces by sharks?
Crusher
It’s black comedy Data. We laugh at other people’s misfortune and pain. Get it?
Data
Got it.

Data rips Dr. Crusher’s arms out of their sockets and pushes her over the side.

Data
[holds up the severed arms] Oh dear, I suppose we should give her... “a hand”!
LaForge
Data!
Data
That was...?
LaForge
...fucking hilarious!

LaForge and Troi help Worf and Beverly back onto the ship. Worf has been chewed up and mangled, and a shark is still attached to his leg. He’s had a great time. Crusher is beamed to sickbay.

Some guy on the Bridge
Bridge to Captain Picard.
Picard
Picard here.
The same guy
There’s an incoming collect call for you from Earth.
Picard
[mutters] Cheap bastards. [normal voice] I’ll take it down here.

Picard walks to the middle of the deck.

Picard
Computer: arch.

The McDonalds golden arches appear on the deck with the caption: “Billions and Billions Served (Most of them Riker).” Picard walks over to them and opens a panel revealing a computer monitor. He reads the message and suddenly looks distraught. Troi notices that he looks distraught so she goes over to him.

Troi
Captain, I couldn’t help but notice that you’re distraught.
Picard
[distraught] I’m just a little (sniff) distraught right now, counselor. Excuse me. Computer: Exit!

A plain metal door suddenly appears with a glowing green sign that says “EXIT” on it. Picard runs out of the holodeck crying like a little baby.

That guy from the bridge again
Bridge to Holodeck!
Riker
Holodeck, Riker here.
Guy
Riker? Well, I guess you’ll have to do. We’re getting a distress call from the Amargossa Observatory... Their message is as follows: HELP!!! OH, FOR GOD’S SAKE!!! SOMEONE COME HELP US!!! THEY’RE KILLING US!!! NO! NO! NOOOOOOO! SLASH! ACK! GURGLE! End of message.
Riker
So much for the luau... Red alert! battlestations! Captain Picard, to the bridge!

All sorts of red lights start flashing and that annoying “WHOOOOOP! WHOOOOOP! WHOOOOOOOP!” sound goes off. A few minutes later, everyone is on the bridge.

Riker
Captain?
Picard
I’m right here.
Riker
Where? I can’t see!
Worf
Why is so freakin’ dark on the bridge?
Troi
Who’s touching my boobs? Riker, is that you!?
Riker
It’s not me, I’ve got my hands on my armrests.
Picard
That’s my thigh, Number one.
Troi
Then who...?
Data
Sorry, Counselor. Let me try and get some lights on.

The lights come on. Wesley can be seen in the background sneaking onto the Bridge, but one look from Worf makes him panic and run away.

Riker
Look, someone’s attacked that observatory!
Picard
Well, duh! Lifesigns?
Data
I’m detecting nine lifesigns.
Troi
[mutters] Too bad they won’t ever show up to tell us about what a dick Soran turns out to be.
Picard
Counselor! Don’t read ahead in the script!
Troi
[gives him the finger]
Picard
Number one, assemble an away team.
Riker
You want me to...?
Picard
[pissed] Yes, I want you to! Now move that swollen ass of yours and get to work!!! You’re ten pounds of shit in a five-pound bag!!! You suck!!! Do you hear me?!? I said you suck!!!

Picard storms off to his ready room, leaving Riker an emotional wreck. Troi continues to read ahead in the script and cringes when she gets to the part where Data laughs uncontrollably. A few minutes later, Riker and his away team beam to the wrecked observatory.

Worf
There has got to be a survivor somewhere!
Soran
Ooooooooooooah!
Riker
What was that?
Worf
What was what?
Soran
Aaaaaaah!
Riker
That!!!
Soran
Auuuuuuugh!
Worf
It appears to be coming from underneath us.
Soran
Get... off.... me!
Riker
Look! I think that we’ve found a survivor!

Riker and Worf pull Soran from the wreckage.

Riker
I’m Commander Riker of the Enterprise.
Soran
Soran... Doctor Tolian Soran.
Riker
Who attacked you, Soran, Doctor Tolian Soran?
Soran
I don’t know... it all happened so fast. I want my teddy.
Redshirt
Commander Riker! Up here!

Riker drops Soran and he and Worf climb up to where the redshirt is at.

Riker
What is it?
Redshirt
It looks like a puddle of goo.

Worf bends down and tastes of the puddle.

Worf
Romulans. (Ptoo!)

Back on the Enterprise in Data’s quarters.

Data
Is she still angry with me?
LaForge
Who, Crusher? Well, you did rip her arms off and throw her into shark-infested waters. Good thing that she was able to reattach them.
Data
[gets up and walks over to the dreaded emotions chip]
LaForge
Data, you’re not thinking about using that, are you?
Data
Yes, I believe that my development has been going so well here lately, that I have to do something to muck it up.
LaForge
Aren’t you afraid that it’ll blow up your neural net or something?
Data
Yes, but I think this is [rolls eyes] necessary to my growth. Besides, what is the worse that could happen?
LaForge
The chip could overload, causing a massive failure in your power grid. You would run around the room as your head catches fire and I am forced to beat it out using a broom while you simultaneously stomp on your pet cat, Spot, because in your malfunctioning screwed-up little mind, you’d think that Spot is a giant face-eating rat. Then you would...
Data
[hands LaForge the chip] Shut up and put the chip in!

LaForge scalps Data and begins to put the chip in.

Audience
Don’t do it! No, Data, stop! For the love of god, don’t put the chip in! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Meanwhile, in the captain’s (for some reason dimly-lit) ready room.

Riker
Captain, there’s no reason why the Romulans would attack the station. Well... except for the fact that they’re all dicks and we hate them!
Picard
Right... [starts to put on a jacket and coat and head out the door] Well, that’s done. The story’s over. Have a nice day, folks. Be sure to buy the action figures.
Riker
Actually, captain. There’s a scientist who wants to speak to you. His name’s Soran Doctor Tolian Soran.
Picard
Very well.
Riker
Captain, aren’t you forgetting something?
Picard
What? Oh yes, thank you, Number One... You worthless piece of crap! I hate you with the intensity of a white-hot star, you Kirk wannabe!!!
Riker
Why are you being so mean?
Troi
[on the other side of the door] Because his brother’s house burned down and...
Picard
Troi!!!
Troi
Oops.

In Ten Forword, Data and LaForge enters and stands at the bar before Guinan. Data is grinning like a big stupid dumb idiot.

LaForge
[scanning the room] Wow, they really spent a lot of money for extras in this movie.
Guinan
Gentleman, would you like to sample something new from Frocas III?
Data
[Picks up the glass and drinks. Instantly, he is seized with an emotional response. He drops the glass and writhes on the floor in sexual ecstasy] Whoa Mamma! Whooooooa Mama!
Guinan
I think he likes it. More?
Data
[shakily] Please.

Meanwhile, Picard enters. He looks at Data in disdain and pushes his way through the crowd towards Soran.

Picard
Are you Soran Doctor Tolian Soran?
Soran
Uh... Yes.
Picard
I’ve been told you wanted to meet with me, Soran Doctor Tolian Soran.
Soran
Yes I have, and please... It’s just Soran.
Picard
Well, Just Soran, what can I do for you?
Soran
I must return to the observatory to do so more research. I’ve been studying on ways to blow up... uh, I mean... observe stars or some such nonsense. If I don’t go back, years of research could be lost!
Picard
No, you may not go back because I’m in a bad mood for reasons that will be explained later. Until then, I’m going to act like a big honkin’ jerk. So no, I spit on you and your little wussy science experiment! [Picard spits in Soran’s face]
Soran
[Like Obi-Wan Kenobi] I’m not the villain of the movie.
Picard
[dazed] You’re not the villain of the movie.
Soran
Time is a fire that consumes us.
Picard
Time is a fire that consumes us.
Soran
You will let me on the observatory.
Picard
You will let me on the observatory.
Soran
No, no, no! You will let me on the observatory!
Picard
No, no, no! You will let me on the observatory!

Four hours later...

Soran
Okay, have we got this straight now?
Picard
Time is a fire, you are not the villain, I’m a dick, and I’ll let you on the observatory.
Soran
Good! Now beat it!

Picard leaves. Soran checks his Mickey Mouse watch. He gets a funny feeling and finally sees Guinan laughing her ass off at Data who is behaving like a lobotomy case. He starts out of the room about the time Guinan gets the same funny feeling and looks in his general direction. She shrugs the feeling off as nothing more than a bad feeling about Data’s emotion chip.


Meanwhile, in engineering...

Riker
Worf, where did this hallway come from?
Worf
I have my security teams on it, sir. We analyzed the Romulan’s tricorder. It turns out that they were scanning for a substance called trilithium.
Riker
Trilithium?
Worf
No, trilithium. It’s an unstable compound that, in theory, could halt all nuclear fusion in a star. Although why he would have such a substance on a stellar observatory orbiting a star is far beyond me.
Riker
[not surprised] I’m not surprised. Okay, send Geordi and laughing boy over the the observatory and have them scan for trilithium. I’ll be on the holodeck running the “Debbie does Deneb III” simulation.
Worf
Well, there goes my sex drive for the next three months!

A little while later, on the observatory...

Data
Whaaaaaaa HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!!
LaForge
I can’t take it anymore!!! You’ve been laughing like that for three hours!!! For the luva Mike, will you shut the fuck up?!?!
Data
I find your emotional outburst quite funny. AHH, HA, HA, HA!!

LaForge gets fed up and shoots Data with a phaser, flinging Data through the room and into a wall causing a theretobefore unknown door to open.

LaForge
Look at this. A hidden room on a Federation space station. Normally I would be suspicious, but for now let’s just investigate this as if it was normal. ’Kay?
Data
’Kay.
LaForge
Hey, I’m reading lots of trilithium in here. Does that seem odd to you?
Data
HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!!
LaForge
Data!!! That does it!!!

LaForge picks up a large metal club and smashes it over Data’s head. The android falls on the floor and remains there with a look of shock on his face.

LaForge
Oh, shit!!! Data? Data, are you okay?
Data
What happened? I do not remember a thing!
LaForge
Oh, that’s good. [Data looks at him.] Uh... good because it means that you... can talk and aren’t permanently damaged by your... uh... emotion chip! Yeah, that’s the ticket! Let’s get you back to the Enterprise. [slaps nipple, uh, I mean communicator] LaForge to Enterprise!

Communicator: We’re sorry, but your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please try your call later.

Soran
[Appears in a puff of smoke behind them] Gentlemen, is there a problem?
LaForge
Soran Doctor Tolian Soran!
Soran
It’s Soran, you simpleton!
LaForge
Fine! We need your help, Soran You Simpleton.
Soran
Certainly. I’d only be to happy to kill yo— Uh, I mean... help you.

Soran kicks LaForge in the jimmy, and the unfortunate engineer passes out onto the deck. Data looks at Soran and starts laughing uncontrollably. Soran reacts in disgust.


Meanwhile, in the Captain’s dimly-lit quarters, Picard thumbs through an old family album as Troi enters and trips over a footstool.

Troi
[to herself] Why is it so fucking dark in here? [to Picard] All right, Captain. This little self-pity subplot has been going on long enough. Now, as your Counselor, I demand that you open up to me or else I will let it slip at the next crew party that you show overwhelming homosexual tendencies.
Picard
I do not...!
Troi
Who are they gonna believe? You... or me, the innocent and sweet ship’s counselor?
Picard
Very well. If you must know, my Brother and little nephew were burned to death in a fire. Now, why they weren’t saved by some sort of futuristic fire department or fire suppression system is beyond me and best left up to the nitpickers. Now, I have dealt with this the best I can and I am over it. Thank you very much, counselor.
Troi
[In shock] Little René is dead!?
Picard
Unfortunatly, yes. But, life — as hard as is may be — must go on.
Troi
[reading the accident report] Holy shit!!! He was cooked like an overdone potato!
Picard
Yes, yes. A tragic end to such a young life.
Troi
Crap in a hat! Did you know that the paramedics said that he was alive while his body was consumed by the thousand-degree flames, and that he was aware that his flesh was melting into a puddle around him? Can you imagine the pain that the little guy must’ve gone through as the fluid in his eyeballs reached the boiling point and exploded, leaving a pair of smoking holes in his skull?
Picard
Yes, it is truely sad.
Troi
Sad doesn’t even begin to cover it, baby! Did you even look at these pictures that the investigators took? [shoves one in Picard’s face] Look at this one! Even though his face is burned beyond all recognition, you can still make out the expression of pain and anguish at all he never got to do in life! Like drive a car, travel the world, or lose his virginity! [Elbows him in the side] I guess you can relate to that, eh?
Picard
What?

Before Troi can answer, there is a brilliant flash of light outside of the window illuminating the dark quarters and revealing three stacks of Hustler magazines behind Picard’s desk. Minutes later, Picard and Troi are on the bridge wondering what the hell is happening.

Picard
What the hell is happening!?
Riker
The Amargosa star has broke down, sir, and it’s sent out a level-twelve plot-wave that’ll destroy the entire system!
Some guy
Sir, LaForge and Data haven’t reported in yet!
Picard
Fine, Warp one! Engage!
Riker
Sir, don’t you think we should save them?
Picard
From what?
Riker
From the observatory that’s about to be blown to smithereens?
Picard
Good lord! They’re on the observatory! We must save them. (a pause) Number One, I’m tired. You go do it.
Riker
Pussy.
Picard
What!?
Riker
I said... pushy. As in, quit being so... pushy. [a beat] I’m going, sir.

Riker and Worf walk away as fast as they can.


Meanwhile, on the Observatory, Data is cowering in a corner as Soran removes LaForge’s VISOR and wallet. Suddenly, the comm system ativates.

Voice: Soran, transmit your position and we’ll beam you aboard.

Soran walks over to a console and types in ‘standing upright in front of a console.’ He grins to himself, thinking of his love scene with two women in A Clockwork Orange when he hears a loud and raunchy fart rumble from the corridor.

Worf
[off camera] Good lord, Commander.
Riker
[off camera] Excuse me.

Soran whips out his phaser and starts shooting at them.

Riker
What the hell is he doing!?

Worf sees Data.

Worf
Data, can you get to Geordi?
Data
[laughing hysterically] I... HAA HEE... can not!!!

Soran shoots again.

Riker
What the hell is he doing!?

Meanwhile, on the Enterprise...

Some Guy
Captain, a Klingon Bird-of-Prey is decloaking off the port bow.
Picard
What?
Everyone on the bridge
Captain, a Klingon Bird-of-Prey is decloaking off the port bow.
Picard
Oh, funny!

The Bird-of-Prey decloaks and descends upon the Observatory.

Troi
Shall we fire at them, sir?
Picard
No, let’s see what they’re going to do.
Troi
I think we really should fire on them.
Picard
And I said we’re going to wait.

On the observatory, Soran is still shooting at Riker and Worf.

Riker
What the hell is he doing!?
Voice
Soran, prepare for transport!

Soran sprays some breath spray in his mouth, shines his teeth with his finger, grabs Geordi for the hell of it, and beams away.

Riker
What the hell is he doing!?

The Bird-of-Prey cloaks and flies away. On the Enterprise.

Picard
Helm, warp one. Engage!
Troi
Captain, don’t you think we should wait until we’ve beamed up the away team?
Picard
[thinks about it] All right, beam up the...

The level-twelve plot-wave hits the Enterprise, which explodes in a spectacular fireball.

GAME OVER

PLEASE DEPOSIT 25¢ TO CONTINUE

THANK YOU

Transporter Guy’s Voice
Commander Riker’s team is aboard!
Riker’s Voice
What the hell is he doing!?
Picard
Helm, Warp One! Engage!

The Enterprise warps away right before the level-twelve plot-wave smashes the Observatory. Meanwhile, on the Bird-of-Prey, we see the Klingon Kleavage Klan, Lursa and her sister, B’Etor. Soran walks onto the bridge and smacks Lursa silly. Lursa takes the slap as a proposition and brutally rapes him.

Soran
[shakily] You got careless! The Romulans came looking for the people who left the burning bag of dog doo on their doorstep!
B’Etor
Impossible. We left no evidence it was us.
Lursa
Now we have a weapon of unbelievable power!

Someone hands Lursa an Oscar, which she accepts gratefully.

Soran
No, Lursa, I have the weapon... and if you ever want me to give it to you, you should be more cautious in the future!

Someone takes the Oscar from Lursa and gives it to Soran.

Soran
Set course for Veridan III, maximum warp.
B’Etor
[to helmboy] Et-say ourse-cay oo-tay ere-way ee-hay ed-say.

Soran smirks and walks away. Lursa sniffs the air suspiciously.

Lursa
I think he farted before he left.
B’Etor
Savage.

Enterprise-D: Sickbay.

Crusher
He’s an El Aurian. Over three hundred years old.
Worf
Who?
Crusher
Soran.
Riker
Right.
Crusher
He and a handful of refugees were rescued by some energy ribbon thingy-mah-bob by the Enterprise-B.
Riker
That’s the mission where the ship was given to some idiot due to a horrible clerical error. Oh yeah, Kirk got sucked out into space on that mission, too.
Crusher
Right. Guess who else was on board that ship?

Several nurses and extras raise their hands and start yelling “Me! Me! Me! I know! I know!”

Crusher
Okay, you had your hand up first.
Nurse
Abraham Lincoln!
Crusher
No. You?
Extra
Lizzie Borden?
Crusher
Wrong! You?
Riker
This could take a while.

Two days later, in Guninan’s quarters.

Guinan
Soran is a name I haven’t heard in a long time.
Picard
Guinan, I just came here to borrow some sugar.
Guinan
Sit down, Jean-Luc, baby. You see, this Soran guy, he’s obsessed with getting back into that weird energy ribbion doo-dad. It’s like, a place where time is meaningless.
Picard
Worse than Ohio?
Guinan
Almost. But this place, it’s like paradise. Kind of like Disneyland without the constant construction, heat, crowds, or chaffing.
Picard
And if Soran is still obsessed with getting back there...
Guinan
...he could be a very, very dangerous man.
Picard
That was my line.
Guinan
Sorry, my bad.
Picard
No problem.

Picard turns to leave.

Guinan
If you go... you won’t care about anything. Not this ship...

Picard walks out the door as if Guinan isn’t saying anything.

Guinan
...not me, nothing. All... [notices Picard left] Shit!

On the Bird-of-Prey, Geordi has been stripped naked and strapped to an operating table. Soran walks in, eyes him, and pouts his lips.

LaForge
Listen, uh... could I have my clothes back? And my VISOR too?
Soran
Your VISOR is very interesting.
LaForge
Yeah, uh... about my clothes...
Soran
Not very stylish, though.
LaForge
It’s very cold in here.
Soran
You may or may not know this, but I am an El Aurian. We are listeners... we listen.
LaForge
Then listen to this: Where are my clothes!?
Soran
Right now, I want to hear everything you know about trilithium!
LaForge
Or what?
Soran
Or... [picks up a small electric device] This!

Soran presses a button, and a holographic image of the Teletubbies appears. They play and laugh stupidly while Tinky-Winky eyes LaForge’s nude body lustfully.

LaForge
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

The Enterprise-D flies by. We still hear LaForge’s scream resounding through space as the captain makes a log. No, not that kind of log... sick perverts.

Captain’s Log, Movie #1: The film is running a bit long so we’ve had to cut a bunch of scenes and I’m making this log to bring the audience up to speed. Crusher has told me that Data’s emotions chip is stuck in his head so we’ll have to put up with him acting like a total moron for the rest of the movie. However, I need a little chuckle right now so I’ve asked him to join me in stellar cartography.

In Stellar Cartography, Picard and Data are discussing the energy-ribbon dilly.

Picard
[still hearing Geordi’s scream] Animals! They must be using the “Teletubbies” technique banned by the Geneva Convention of 2002! [The scream dies] Okay, Data... what do we know about the ribbon?
Data
The ribbon appears to be ribbon-like in nature. Also, it looks sort of like a ribbon.
Picard
Data, are you okay?
Data
I find myself preoccupied with my emotions. I am ashamed and I want to be relieved of duty.
Picard
I need you here.
Data
No, I don’t wanna!!!
Picard
Shut up and sit down!!!
Data
I will try, sir.
Picard
Courage is an emotion too, Data.

Picard is handed a Golden Globe, which he wrinkles his nose at and discards.

Picard
Show me where the ribbon is now.

Data presses a few buttons and several extras climb up on ladders and start moving stars around.

Picard
[to camera] I refuse to go on with this scene until we get a bigger special effects budget.

Picard looks back at the Cartography room and is pleased to see an impressive and expensive-looking CGI graphic. An arrow that says “YOU ARE HERE” points to where the ribbon is at.

Picard
Now, show me where it’s headed.

A line pops up.

Picard
Show me where the Amargosa star was.

A cartoon man pops up pointing at a blinking star.

Picard
Show me Counselor Troi’s shower.

An empty shower pops up.

Data
It appears to be empty.
Picard
Blast! Fine, go back to what we were doing earlier. Okay, show me how the energy ribbion thingie-doo’s course was affected by the plot wave.

The line moves near a planet.

Picard
Well, it gets close to Veridan III but not close enough. [a horrible thought] Data, I just had a horrible thought. What would happen if Soran blew up the Veridian star itself?

The line intersects the planet... oh, sounds sexy don’t it?

Picard
That’s what he’s planning on doing! He’s going to make the ribbion come to him on that planet!
Data
That dick!
Picard
[slaps nipple] Picard to bridge.
Worf
Worf here, sir.
Picard
[looks around] No you’re not!
Worf
I’m on the bridge.
Picard
You said you where here.
Worf
I was speaking metaphorically.
Picard
Set a course to Veridan III... Maximum warp!!!

Picard and Data walk out of stellar cartography and several extras take over Data’s console and start playing Mortal Kombat. A little while later, on the Bird-of-Prey...

Lursa
Did you get anything from the human?
Soran
[sneezes and blows his nose] Nothing useful!
Helmboy
We are entering orbit of Veridian III.
Soran
Prepare to beam me to the surface.

Helmboy checks himself in the mirror and checks his breath.

B’Etor
Wait! When do we get our payment?

Soran pulls out a chip. B’Etor grabs for it but Soran pulls it away. B’Etor savagly beats him into a pulp and takes it from him.

Soran
[composing himself] It’s encoded. Once I’m safely on the surface, I’ll transmit the encryption sequence to you. It’s a devilishly clever encryption code that took me years to perfect. First, you must find the poloynomial of an infinite number of variables just to...
B’Etor
Decoded it!
Soran
Shit!
Helmboy
Mistress! A Federation starship is approaching!
B’Etor
What?!
Everyone on the bridge
Mistress! A Federation Starship is approaching!
Picard’s Voice
Klingon vessel! We know what you’re doing so you’d better stop or we’ll spank you!
Soran
There’s no time for this. Eliminate them.
Lursa
That is a Galaxy-class starship! We are no match for them!

Someone hands Lursa a People’s Choice award. Insulted, she takes a dagger and jabs it into the presenter’s heart.

Soran
[looks at Geordi’s VISOR] I think it’s time we gave Mr. LaForge his sight back.
Tinky-Winky
And him clothes?
Soran
Yes.

Tinky-Winky looks dissapointed as we jump to the Enterprise bridge.

Picard
They’re out there.... somewhere.
Chekov
But if dey are cloaked...
Picard
You’re not in the movie anymore.
Chekov
Sorry.
Worf
Klingon Bird-of-Prey decloaking of the port bow!

On the viewer, we see a giant black diamond-studded cloak falls away from the Klingon ship (de-cloaking... get it?).

Picard
Hail them!
B’Etor
Hello, Captain.
Picard
Lursa!
B’Etor
I’m B’Etor! Lursa’s the pretty one!
Picard
[a pause] Um... okay. Look, I wanna talk to Soran Doctor Tolian Soran and, boy, do I mean now!
Lursa
The doctor values his privacy or some such bullshit.
Picard
Then I will beam over to you ship and you can beam me down to him!
B’Etor
I suppose you’ll be wanting your chief engineer back.
Picard
Hm?
B’Etor
Banana comb face?
Picard
[looks confused]
Lursa
Reading Rainbow Man?
Picard
Oh, him! Yes... I suppose we should get him back.
Riker
Captain, I feel I should object to...
Picard
Number One?
Riker
Yessir?
Picard
Shut up.
Picard
Yessir.

Picard slaps Data on the back of the head and mutters something along the lines of “this is all your fault” before waliking to the transporter room where he is beamed away as Geordi and Tinky-Winky are beamed in. LaForge falls on his face, as security guards vaporize Tinky. Meanwhile, on the planet, Picard arrives.

Picard
Something about this mountain looks very familar.
Soran
Hello, Captain. You must think I’m quite the madman.
Picard
Yeah, especially after I saw Tank Girl.
Soran
I needed the money... besides, I know why you’re here. You’re here to stop me from blowing up the Veridian star! Well, sucks to you!!! Bwaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa!
Picard
Soran! [Picard walks into a forcefield and is thrown twenty feet backwards. He gets up and shakes the dust off of his uniform.] You could have warned me... dick!

Meanwhile, on the Klingon ship, Lursa and B’Etor are watching the viewscreen which is showing a picture of everything LaForge is seeing. Right now, all we can see is a picture of the inside of a porno magazine. Finally, he gets up and walks to engineering. He talks to a few people and walks past a panel that says “SUPER-DUPER TOP SECRET SHEILD NUMBERS. DO NOT SNITCH!”

Lursa
That’s it! That’s it!
B’Etor
Their shield is operating on a frequency of 248.347!
Lursa
Adjust our torpedo frequency to match and blow their asses up!

The Bird-of-Prey begins shooting at the Enterprise. Little chunks of starship float off into space.

Riker
What the fu...!?
Worf
They have found a way to penetrate our shields!
Riker
Lock phasers and return fire!
Data
Huh huh... he said “penetrate.”
Riker
[pissed] Data! Can you come up with a technobabble way of blowing up that ship?
Data
Yes... Yes! If we...

We interrupt this movie to bring you this special announcement from Paramount Executive, Tal E. Whacker...

Whacker
Hello. It’s come to our attention that technobabble is boring especially when it’s used as an easy way out of a predicament. It’s also come to our attention that R-rated movies perform better in the box office than PG-rated movies. Therefore, allow me to take this opportunity to say... fuck you.

[Star Trek: Degenerations has been rated ‘R’ by the MPAA]

We now return to the movie...

Data
...thus causing their ship to blow up!
Riker
Do it!

Data presses the ‘bullshit technobabble solution’ button and modifies a bunch of crap. On the Klingon ship...

Helmboy
We are cloaking!!!
B’Etor
What!?
All the Klingon Crew
We are cloaking!!!

The Enterprise shoots a torpedo at the defenseless ship. The sisters watch the torpedo approach.

Lursa
I guess this means no more cameos on Deep Space Nine.

The Klingon ship goes boom in a stunning display of recycled stock footage. Meanwhile, on the planet, Picard is pouting and throwing rocks at the forcefield. Soran glares at him and he stops. As Soran goes back to preparing his star-stopping rocket, Picard sees an extension cord plugged into an outlet right next to his leg. He mutters something about Soran being an idiot and then we go back to the Enterprise in engineering...

LaForge
[looking over the wrecked room] I just know they’re going to blame me for this. [LaForge sits on the autodestruct button and it begins to count down] Uh... shit! [slaps communicator] Uh... Lah... LaForge to bridge. Listen, uh...
Riker
Geordi. We’re reading a core breach in progress! What’s going on!?
LaForge
We... uh... The core is... damaged pretty bad, I...
Riker
Prepare to eject the core!
LaForge
Well... that won’t quite work, uh...
Riker
Shut down the core!
LaForge
I think we’re screwed.
Riker
Okay, fine... evacuate everyone to the saucer section, except the annoying ones.

Everyone runs in a panicked mob to the saucer section. Many children are trampled in the rush. After a few minutes, everyone is in the saucer which separates, but not before the stardrive explodes, sending the saucer into the atmosphere where it is caught by a giant dog. Meanwhile, at Soran’s rocket dilly, Soran is looking over some numbers when he looks up and sees Picard standing in front of him with an extension cord in his hand.

Soran
I knew I should have plugged that in on the inside of the shield.
Voice from Above
Fight

Soran kicks Picard’s ass.

Voice
Soran wins! Flawless victory!

There is a rumble of thunder and we see that the ribbion-mah-bob is quickly approaching the planet. The rocket fires and hits the sun which breaks down and plunges the planet into darkness. Soran gets up on his platform (for effect I guess) and opens his arms wide.

Soran
Come to Soran, ribbon! Daddy needs a new pair of shoes!

The ribbon envelopes the planet and whisks Picard and Soran away. Meanwhile, on the Enterprise... or at least what’s left of it.

Riker
Anyone get the feeling that something is terribly wrong?
Troi
Let’s see... we’ve lost Geordi, the Captain, got our asses kicked by an inferior starship, and crashed on a planet.
Data
Told you letting Troi drive was a mistake.
Troi
[Kicks Data in the butt making a loud clanging sound]
Riker
No, seriously, something is wrong.
Worf
[Stomach grumbles] I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that dried fruit.
Data, Riker, Troi
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Worf cuts a thunderous fart, which reacts with the oncoming level-twelve plot-wave, causing Veridian III to explode in a great fireball, killing everyone in the universe.

THE END

[No, not really]

Next we see Picard twirling and twirling until he throws up on a bunch of kids sitting around a Christmas tree.

Kid #1
Mummy! Daddy’s drunk again!
Picard
I... am... not!
Voice from Kitchen
Jean Luc, are you drunk!?

Worf comes out wearing a pink dress.

Worf
Now be nice to our children... or I’ll kill you!

Worf and the children leave.

Worf (off screen)
Get your ass in here. The gagh’s dying!
Picard
[Spies the Star Trek Christmas ornaments on the tree. In particular, the Enterprise-D ornament] This isn’t right! It’s can’t be real!
Guinan
[appears in puff of smoke] It’s as real as you want it to be. [looks into kitchen at Worf] Jean-Luc, baby, you gots one sick fantasy life! Jesus, get a load of those kids! They so ugly, Freddy Kruger scared of them!
Picard
Guinan, is there some way I can leave the Nexus?
Guinan
You can go anywhere... anytime you want.
Picard
Really? [a pause] I’ll be right back.

Cut to: England, 1950. Little six-year-old Patrick Stewart is lying asleep in bed when Picard appears to him. Little Patrick shudders under his bed.

Picard
Patrick! Listen to me! There is going to be a movie called Lifeforce! Stay away! Do not make that movie! STAAAAAAY AWAAAAAY!

Picard fades.

Patrick
That wasn’t so scary!

Picard pops back.

Picard
Stay away from Jeffrey too!

Picard disappears again. Patrick wets himself.

Wesley
Captain, can I be an acting ensign?
Picard
Well, I don’t see why...
Picard
[appears] No, Jean-Luc! Don’t do it!!!
Picard
Well, who am I to argue with me? Yar, throw Mr. Crusher out the airlock!
Yar
Aye, sir. [Yar grabs Wesley and drags him away kicking and screaming.]
Wesley
I’ll see you burn, Picard! I’ll see you burn!
Picard
Thank you, Captain.
Picard
My pleasure, Captain. [disappears]

In a small town elementary...

Zack
I have an idea! Let’s form a music group! We can call it Hanson!
Other Hansons
Yeah!
Picard
[Appears and blasts them to atoms]

Back in the Nexus.

Picard
Now, I need help to defeat Soran... can you come back with me? You know... talk him to death?
Guinan
I can’t, baby... I’m already there on the Enterprise. Or at least, I was... until it crashed and blew up.
Picard
It what?
Guinan
Forget it...
Picard
Listen, I need muscle to defeat Soran.
Guinan
Yeah, I was watching. Yeesh, baby... were you Soran’s bitch or what?
Picard
[steamed] Just show me someone who can help!

Picard is transported to a Baskin Robbins where a grotesquely overweight Kirk is eating large vats of ice cream whole.

Picard
Kirk? James T...
Kirk
[Belches loudly]
Picard
Listen, Kirk... I... [a pause] My God, man... you’re a mess!
Kirk
[Tries to stand, but flops back onto his chair out of breath] Who the hell are you?
Picard
Picard of the Enterprise-D. Seventy-eight years into your future. I need your help to defeat a madman named Soran Doctor Tolian Soran!
Kirk
Why? I have everything I need here! Chocolate Chip, Butter Nut, Rainbow Sherbert, and those oh-so-yummy cakes. (Opens mouth and gurgles and drools like Homer Simpson) Oh! and look at this! This is my old dog, Butler... I ate him when I was sixteen!
Picard
Look, come with me and I’ll give you all the ice cream you can eat.
Kirk
[interested] ...and... green alien space babes?
Picard
I... think I can dig some up somewhere.
Kirk
[manages to pull his wedged ass out of his chair and wipes his chins] I take it that the movie is odd-numbered and the situation is stupid.
Picard
You could say that.
Kirk
[farts] Sounds like... [burp] ...fun!

Picard clicks his heels together three times and he and Kirk disappear.

Announcer
Previously on Star Trek: Degenerations....
Scotty
AHHH!!! I didn’t know that the little red button would decompress the shuttlebay!
Harriman
The medical staff doesn’t get here until Tuesday.
Chekov
Hey, did one of you guys shit your pants?
Data
[holds up the severed arms] Oh dear, I suppose we should give her... “A HAND”!
Troi
[to herself] Why is it so fucking dark in here?
Riker
What the hell is he doing!?
LaForge
Listen, uh... could I have my clothes back?
Data
Huh huh... he said ‘penetrate’.
Lursa
I guess this means no more cameos on Deep Space Nine.
Voice
Soran wins! Flawless victory!
Worf
[Stomach grumbles] I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that dried fruit.
Clinton
[smoking a cigar] Ah did not have sex with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.

Suddenly, Soran looks up and see: A morbidly obese Kirk in front of him on the platform. As Soran tries to figure out what’s going on, the platform collapses and both men fall to the rocks below. Kirk crushes Soran. Picard, who has been watching the whole thing, scurries down to Kirk.

Kirk
Ship... out of danger?
Picard
Yes.
Kirk
It was... fun! [his toupee falls off] Oh my. [Kirk kroaks.]

After trying to bury Kirk, but giving up, Picard makes his way to the top of the mountain where he is picked up by a shuttle.

Captain’s Epilogue, Movie #1: Man, I’m pissed. First, I get sucked up into this Nexus thing where I’m married to Worf, then Kirk dies right in front of me (Crusher told me he choked on a chicken bone), and now I find out that Troi crashed my ship. Well, it’s an Enterprise.... there’ll be another, and I’m going to get it. Mark my words... I will get it!

Riker and Picard are searching through the wrecked Ready Room.

Riker
[holds up a stack of Hustlers] Is this it?
Picard
Yes! [tosses aside priceless statue] Thank you, Number One.
Riker
Nice ship. She went before her time.
Picard
[The word “MORAL” begins flashing at the bottom of the screen] Someone once told me that there is a time for everything. A time to be born, a time to die, a time to reap, a time to sew, a time to laugh, and a time to weep. [The word “MORAL” changes to “BULLSHIT.”]
Riker
I don’t understand.
Picard
[slaps Riker on back] Neither do I, Will... Neither do I.

Picard and Riker beam away. In orbit, we see three Federation starships leave the planet, when suddenly, a large glowing-spinning spaceship appears before them.

Wesley
I told you you’d burn, Picard!!! BWAA HA HA!!!

To be (not) continued...!

The End!!!

This page was last modified on Saturday, November 03, 2012.