Here it is... The day you hoped would never come... ☺
Our story begins with a friendless boy, Jonathan Archer, painting his model starship, muttering something about going where no man has gone before. The boy’s father comes rushing in and says, “Jonathan! Always in here with the stupid models! Don’t you have anything else to do?”
Jonathan replies, “I did, but then you took away my Barbie dolls!”
Mr. Archer says, “Goodness! You are certainly in a cranky mood...” Jonathan sighs, “I’m sorry. It’s just those double-crossing, two-timing, back-stabbing good-for-nothing Vulcans! I just hate them!” Mr. Archer gasps, “Jonathan! What are you talking about?” Jonathan replies, “Sorry, Pop. Just a little character exposition.”
Mr. Archer smiles and says, “Ah-ha....”
30 Years Later... In the middle of some cornfield...
A wounded Klingon dashes out of his crashed spacecraft and starts running furiously. Two of the evil Suliban are chasing him, firing weapons like crazy.
The Klingon speaks to himself, “I will not let these bastards take me! They do not frighten me in the slightest. I am not afraid! I fear nothing!!... Aaaaaaaaaaaah!! Oh wait, it’s just a scarecrow.”
A farmer rushes outside of his home with a rifle and sees the commotion in the cornfields. His wife comes out and says, “Pa! What in tarnation is going on? Is it the locusts?” The farmer replies, “Don’t you worry, Ma. It’s just some Klingons and the Suliban.” The wife says, “Lord almighty! I’ll take the kinfolk down to the storm cellar and activate the trilithium-based, multi-adaptive, transphasic shields!”
The Klingon runs into the farmer’s silo. The Suliban quickly chase him inside. The Klingon jumps from the silo and uses his phaser to blow the silo into a million pieces. The farmer arrives and says, “My harvest! You Klingon bastard!” The Klingon speaks, “Chuqua kaplacho cornfield.” The farmer says, “Don’t use that language with me, you got a corn cob up your butt or something?” The Klingon replies, “Yes I do, actually. That was a very poorly planned jump I made.”
The farmer says, “Too bad!” And shoots the Klingon...
Meanwhile... Captain Archer is summoned to Starfleet Medical by Admiral Forest.
Archer approaches Admiral Forest and says, “How are you, Sherwood?” (That joke may take a little thought) Admiral Forest replies, “Hello, Jon. I’d like to introduce you to a few people. This is Snooty Vulcan #1, his associate, Snooty Vulcan #2, and this is Subcommander T’Pol.” Archer turns to T’Pol and says, “I see you shop at the same clothing store as Seven of Nine.”
Forest says, “Never mind that. We have a problem here. You see that Klingon in the hospital bed? His name is Klaang. You know, kind of like the sound a bell makes when you ring it.” Snooty Vulcan #1 says, “No need to concern yourselves with this Klingon. We will take his corpse back to Kronos.” Archer is shocked, “Corpse? He’s not even dead yet!” Snooty Vulcan #2 says, “Yes, but he should be. You see, the Klingons believe in dying a heroic death in battle.” Admiral Forest says, “Oh yeah? Then why was he running through a cornfield screaming like a little girl?”
Captain Archer says, “Enough! I’m not going to let you kill this absolutely adorable little man. I’m going to take him back to Kronos.” T’Pol says, “You need to restrain your emotions.” Archer growls, “You don’t know how badly I’m restraining myself from knocking you on your ass!” T’Pol says, “Bring it on, boy!!”
Admiral Forest says, “Stop it! You guys will have seven years to bicker with each other. Captain Archer, you haven’t even picked out a medical officer, and that annoying communications officer of yours is in Brazil.” Archer says, “Hmmmm... What about that Neelix-look-alike? He would make a fine doctor. And don’t worry about the communications officer. I am her superior officer. I am simply going to go down there and tell Hoshi to get her annoying ass on my starship!”
A couple hours later in Brazil...
Archer is on his hands and knees, “Please, Hoshi! You’ve just got to come with me! I’ll let you study the Klingon language...” Hoshi says, “I’d get to study the Klingon language?? Oh my God. How exciting! This is the happiest day of my life!” Archer mutters under his breath, “Which makes you the most pathetic person that ever lived...”
Hours later... On the Enterprise...
Archer meets up with Trip, his chief engineer. Trip growls, “Why do we have to bring that incredibly loathsome Vulcan female with us?” Archer replies, “She’s the only one with star charts pointing the way to Kronos.” Trip says, “Hello? You never heard of Rand-McNally?”
Just then T’Pol comes in and starts sniffing. Archer says, “Aha. You must be smelling my dog, Porthos.” T’Pol turns to Porthos and says, “My god! Why is your dog licking himself like that?” Archer replies, “Because I doubt that you’d do it for him...”
T’Pol says, “This is true. Now we should get under way.” Archer says, “Agreed. I just hope we don’t run into those Sullivans.” T’Pol corrects him, “The Suliban.” Archer replies, “Whatever...”
The trio arrive on the bridge and Archer turns to his navigator, Travis, and says, “Take us out.”
Travis hits the button marked “take us out” and the ship is taken out.
Meanwhile... In another part of the galaxy...
A Suliban solider enters a chamber where time is distorted. Just then a mysterious figure appears and says, “Tell me, Viceroy. Have you captured Queen Amidala yet?” The soldier replies, “You’re thinking of The Phantom Menace.” The figure says, “Forgive me, but you have to admit this set up looks an awful lot like The Phantom Menace.”
The soldier agrees, “Yes, sir. But remember, we are here to continue the Temporal Cold War. So do you want to be Temporal Reagan or Temporal Gorbachev?” The figure says, “I’ll be Temporal Gorbachev. So tell me, have you captured Klaang yet?” Temporal Reagan replies, “Not yet... But we will...”
Meanwhile... The Enterprise is happily on its way.
Dr. Phlox pages the Captain and says, “Good news, Mr. Klaang is regaining consciousness!” Archer and Hoshi rush down to Sickbay. The Klingon is muttering incoherently. Archer says, “Hoshi? Can’t you understand anything he’s saying?” Hoshi says, “It doesn’t make any sense. He keeps warning us about a Brannon Braga. He says that man will be our undoing.” Archer says, “Hmmmmm...”
Just then, the lights go dark. Hoshi screams, “I just saw an alien!” Archer gasps, “Is it one of the Taliban?” Dr. Phlox corrects him, “The Suliban.” Archer replies, “Whatever...”
Hoshi says, “Yes. But he’s gone now!”
Suddenly the lights come back on. Archer looks at the empty bed and gasps, “My God! The Klingon is gone!” Phlox replies, “Well, you’re just a regular Sherlock Holmes, aren’t you?” Archer turns to Phlox and growls, “You take your sarcasm and bury it!!”
Archer returns to the Bridge and yells, “Report!!”
T’Pol says, “I have found the warp signature of the Suliban ship that stole Klaang.” Archer says, “Good work. Give Travis the coordinates so we can get Klaang back.” T’Pol says, “I will not. This is a foolish mission.” Archer growls, “You take your Vulcan cynicism and bury it!!” T’Pol says, “But Captain, I strongly suggest we stop off at Rigel Ten. We can find out what Klaang was up to and be a part of some really cool phaser fights.”
Archer says, “Very well. Travis, set a course for Rigel Ten.” Travis asks, “That should be the tenth planet away from the star, right?” Archer replies, “Probably... Engage!!”
Just then Porthos comes running on to the bridge, wagging his tail and holding a rubber bone in his mouth. Archer is impatient, “Porthos!! I don’t have time to play with you right now. So go take your rubber bone and bury it!”
A few hours later... the Enterprise arrives at Rigel Ten.
The security officer, Mr. Reed suggests, “We should use the transporters to beam down to the planet.” T’Pol suggests, “That would be unwise. It will be far more dramatic to use the transporters at the end of the episode as a last-ditch effort to save the Captain.” Archer says, “Agreed. Let’s take a shuttlecraft down instead.”
Archer and his crew arrive on Rigel Ten and begin wandering aimlessly. Just then, Archer comes across a beautiful, but oh-so-doomed Suliban female. Archer gasps, “You are one of them! You’re one of the Salad Bars!” The woman corrects him, “Suliban.” Archer replies, “Whatever... I’m here to find out why Klaang was here.”
The woman walks up to Archer and says, “Kiss me, you poet!” The woman plants a big wet one on the captain. Archer says, “Hey, what was that all about?” The woman replies, “It is my way of determining if you are telling the truth. And since you did slip me the tongue, I am quite sure that you are speaking the truth.”
Archer says, “Score one for horny middle aged men. So tell me, why was Klaang here?” The woman says, “I gave him a message to deliver to Kronos. The Klingon people are pawns in a Temporal Cold War.”
Archer says, “So? We just get our hands on some Temporal Vitamin C and Temporal Chicken Soup, and they should be okay...”
The woman rolls her eyes, “Another type of Cold War, you pedantic drone. A person from the distant future is trying to change history by tampering with the Klingon Empire.” Archer gasps, “My God, who would do such a thing?”
The woman answers, “Didn’t you read the big sign that said ‘Created by Brannon Braga’?”
Archer says, “Klaang was right all along!!”
Just then, some other Suliban arrive and begin firing their weapons. The doomed Suliban female is mortally wounded and dies. Suliban gets on his communicator and says, “Okay everybody... Back to the ship!”
Hoshi arrives and says, “What about this poor woman? We can’t just leave her here!” Archer says, “She’s dead. There’s nothing more we can do! So just take her Suliban corpse and bury it!!”
The crew rushes back to the shuttlecraft, but T’Pol is cornered. Archer says, “I have to go back and save T’Pol.” Trip says, “No, we should leave her behind!” Archer says, “No! Not until I get the chance to see her in her underwear!” With that, Archer rushes back outside and is shot by one of the Suliban. They all make it back to the shuttlecraft which launches and arrives back at the Enterprise.
A short time later, Dr. Phlox says, “Trip and T’Pol. I am afraid you’ve been contaminated on the planet. You’ll both have to strip down to your underwear and rub suntan lotion all over each other.”
T’Pol says, “That doesn’t make any sense! What does this have to do with the plot?”
Trip says, “Nothing. Didn’t you see the big sign that said ‘Created by Brannon Braga’?”
So T’Pol and Trip strip down to their underwear and rub suntan lotion all over each other. Trip sighs, “It’s a shame the Captain is unconscious. He would have liked to see this...” T’Pol sighs, “Don’t worry. I have a sickening feeling that there will be many storylines that will somehow force me to take off my clothes...”
A few hours later... Archer makes a full recovery and heads for the bridge.
He arrives and says, “Report!! No, wait. Don’t tell me. That Vulcan back-stabber T’Pol has set a course back to Earth. I told you we can’t trust Vulcans. They are evil and disgusting and must be destroyed!”
Travis replies, “Actually, she had us set a course for the Suliban spaceport.”
Archer turns to T’Pol and says, “Heh heh... Just kidding...”
T’Pol then takes her right thumb and brushes her eyebrow with it. (This is the Vulcan equivalent of flipping the bird)
A short time later...
“Captain’s Log: Stardate 4021238752.1. Wait, we don’t have to use those retarded stardates in this century? Thank God! Stardate: September 30, 2151. We are approaching the Suliban space port. I wonder if I can trust T’Pol with the news about the Temporal Cold War. I better not. She might ask me what ‘temporal’ means, and to be honest, I don’t know what it means.”
Archer returns to the bridge. T’Pol says, “So here’s the story. We think Klaang is in a section of the spaceport. The problem is, we can’t approach it unless we are flying in one of the Suliban ships.”
Archer says, “No problem. Mr. Reed, use the tractor beam to lock on to one of the ships.” Reed replies, “We don’t have a tractor beam...” Archer gasps, “We left spacedock without a tractor beam?” Reed answers, “It won’t be installed until 85 years from Tuesday.”
Archer growls, “Damn! Well use the sticky ropes and pull one of the ships in.” Reed replies, “Aye sir, activating sticky ropes!”
The Enterprise snags one of the Suliban ships. Travis instructs Trip and Archer on how to fly it. Trip and Archer climb aboard and head for the Suliban spaceport.
Hoshi whines, “How are we supposed to track the captain through all this fog?” T’Pol answers, “It’s not fog! It’s a hyper-stimulated isometric metreon-fused liquid nitrogen matrix.” Hoshi growls, “I just hate you, T’Pol. Nevertheless, how are we supposed to track them?” T’Pol says, “I’m going to need your ear, Hoshi.” Hoshi sighs, “Okay... But can I at least keep the earrings?”
Meanwhile... Trip and Archer arrive at the Suliban spaceport.
Archer says, “Here’s the plan. You go find Klaang and take him back to the Enterprise. I’m going to wander around aimlessly.” So Trip and Archer split up. Trip quickly finds Klaang and says, “Thank God, you’re all right. Come with me, I’m going to take you back to the Enterprise.”
Klaang mutters in Klingon, “Alchoqua juchia aralachu, schmuck.”
Trip smiles and winks and says, “You smooth talker. Here’s hoping you and I have to be decontaminated together.”
Meanwhile, Archer continues wandering through the spaceport and comes across a door. Archer says to himself, “Nobody here to guard such an important area? Thank God for plot holes...”
Archer enters the next room and the lights suddenly start flashing like crazy. Archer then notices that he is moving in slow motion. Archer sighs, “Oh wonderful, I’ve wandered into a disco and somebody has given me some less-than-legal mushrooms. Damn those Subaru!”
A voice growls, “Suliban!”
Archer replies, “Whatever... Wait a minute, who are you?” The voice replies, “I am Temporal Reagan. And welcome to the Temporal Cold War Communications Chamber.” Archer sighs, “Thank God! For a minute I thought I wandered into The Phantom Menace!” Temporal Reagan says, “Ha... wrong! This is simply a knock-off. And now, your goose is cooked.... Mwaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...”
Archer replies in a frightened voice, “Quack.”
Meanwhile... Back on Enterprise...
Hoshi says, “T’Pol! I have found the ship. It’s got Trip and Klaang on board.” T’Pol says, “Good work! Mr. Reed, make sure they get back on Enterprise.” Hoshi then says, “Can I have my ear back now?”
Just then Trip arrives on the Bridge and says, “T’Pol, we must go back and save the Captain.” T’Pol says, “A foolish idea. We have Klaang. We should get out of here!” Trip shouts, “But the Captain ordered me to come back for him!”
T’Pol says, “Well, the Captain ordered me to bury my Vulcan cynicism, and that hasn’t happened. Not a good thing for Captain’s orders.”
Trip then says, “Then I should inform you, I have a whole roll of film of you in the decontamination chamber. I think your superiors would be very surprised to know what kind of things you did what that suntan lotion...” T’Pol says, “Fine! Travis, set a course to rescue the Captain. Mr. Reed, prepare the transporter beam.” (insert dramatic music and loud claps of thunder)
T’Pol continues, “I told you it would be more dramatic at the end...”
Meanwhile, back on the spaceport...
Temporal Reagan fires his phaser at Archer. Archer manages to move out of the way to avoid the phaser blast. Archer scoffs, “Ha! Thank God for the slow-motion chamber!” Temporal Reagan says, “Yes, otherwise we’d have to do another page of dialogue. But your luck is about to run out...”
Just then Archer opens the door and begins running out of the chamber. Temporal Reagan is closely behind, firing his phaser. Archer says to himself, “Now this was a dumb idea... Why the hell did I leave the slow-motion room??”
Just then, Archer is beamed aboard the Enterprise. T’Pol is waiting in the transporter room. Archer says, “You were right, T’Pol. Brilliant idea about waiting until the last minute. You are this week’s Drama Queen of the Week.”
A few days later... The Enterprise arrives at Kronos.
Hoshi, T’Pol, Archer and Klaang enter a huge council chamber. An elder Klingon walks up to Klaang, slices his hand and collects the blood. Archer says, “Wait a minute! We risked our lives and traveled across the galaxy just so this guy could give blood? You people ever hear of a Bloodmobile?”
Klaang turns to Archer and says, “Hanachu portagh warachiqua, chump!”
A short time later, the crew assembles on the bridge. They know the routine of a pilot episode. It’s time for the Captain to give a dramatic speech. Archer begins, “I haven’t scored for seven years. No, I mean, four score and seven years ago, it was 87 years ago. I used to hate Vulcans, but that has changed. I have changed. I only detest them now. As we prepare to embark on our new journey. To boldly go where no man has cared enough to go before. We will see what’s out there. We will head for the second star on the right and go straight on till morning. Somewhere, along this journey, we’ll find a way back.”
Jackson pauses, a single tear falls from his eye and says, “Set a course for adventure... Your mind on a new romance...”
With that, the Enterprise jumps to warp....