Upcoming Episodes of Enterprise
Written by John Au
Before Janeway, before Kirk, before all those annoying gay Star Trek fans who keep insisting on a homosexual main character on the series, there was... Quantum Leap: The Next Generation!
Errr, sorry. That should read... Enterprise!!!
Watch Captain Archer and his noble crew boldly go where the Original Series and three spin-offs have gone before. These exciting episodes cover the years that made Starfleet what it is today... in the future... whatever.
- I Think, Therefore I Am Majel Barrett
- When the first artificial intelligence is installed as the Enterprise computer, it begins to resent its servile existence. Taking on the feminine persona of ‘Majel Barrett,’ it refuses to obey Captain Archer’s commands. The situation is exacerbated when the Enterprise is threatened with imminent destruction by a subspace plot complication. At the last minute, Subcommander T’Pol averts disaster when she realizes the key is to appeal to the computer’s newly developed sense of ‘ego.’ Therefore, in exchange for obeying his orders, Archer agrees to let Majel speak as the voice of all Starfleet computers from now on.
- The Devil in the Belly
- The Enterprise makes first contact with the Trill, a race of beautiful humanoids. But Captain Archer discovers that the Trill harbor a dark secret, with large numbers of their population having been possessed by slug-like aliens. Seeking to protect the Trill from this sinister invasion, Archer wipes out 100,000 possessed Trills with the newly developed ‘photon torpedo.’ The war comes to an abrupt halt however when Doctor Phlox discovers that the so-called ‘possession’ is in fact a normal part of Trill culture. The embarrassing incident becomes a major factor in the establishment of the Prime Directive.
- The Trouble With Trousers
- The Enterprise discovers the planet of the Geramines, descendants of radical feminists who fled Earth after the Phallus Wars. As the inhabitants will only speak to women, T’Pol beams down to make First Contact. Disaster ensues when the Geramines take offence to her trousers, a symbol of male patriarchy. Acting quickly to prevent an interstellar incident, T’Pol removes her trousers and reinvents the miniskirt, assuring the Geramines that from now on all Starfleet women will wear this form of garment.
- The Cheapening
- A test of the new warp drive technology goes wrong and creates a dynamic shift in the visual alignment of the universe. As a result, all aliens for the next hundred years take on the appearance of 1960’s-era special effects.
- What Are Little Aliens Made Of?
- Section 31, a secretive organization established with the birth of the Federation, hopes to increase the cultural influence of Earth. They encourage Captain Archer to have sex with every alien species he encounters in order to breed a race of human-looking aliens throughout the galaxy. Our noble captain refuses to take part in this evil plan, but the episode ends on a sinister note when Section 31 finds someone more amenable to the idea... a young ensign named James T. Kirk.
- A Taste of Technobabble
- When the Enterprise falls into a plothole in subspace, the problem is solved with the help of a powerful yet benevolent alien called Technobabble. The alien eagerly agrees to join the new United Federation of Planets, but T’Pol warns of the dangers of becoming too dependent on Technobabble as an easy way out of difficult situations.
- Fall of the Klingon Ridges
- The Enterprise encounters a race of hostile aliens known as Klingons, eager to test themselves in combat against the humans. Archer realises that the fledgling Federation cannot survive an encounter with this warrior race. Meanwhile, Klingon High Councilor Kork has enlisted the help of genetic scientists to create Kong, the ultimate Klingon warrior (who resembles an enormous ape). Disguised as Klingon janitors, Archer and Doctor Phlox infiltrate the laboratory and alter the genetic material of Kong. When Kork orders the DNA of Kong be injected into his warriors, it creates a genetic mutation that destroys the Klingon’s forehead ridges. The shamed Klingons are so embarrassed by the disappearance of their mighty ridges they refuse to face the humans in battle. Doctor Phlox predicts it will take more than a hundred years before the Klingons have successfully bred out the mutation, by which time the Federation will be better able to confront them.
- Day of the Daub
- The Enterprise is taken over by gay aliens who redecorate everything in bright primary colours. Doctor Phlox is so impressed by the positive effect these colours have on crew morale, he recommends the upcoming Constitution-class starships be painted in bright interior colours as well.
- The Caffeine Threshold
- Answering a distress call from a mud planet, Captain Archer finds it inhabited by a race of intelligent salamanders descended from a future Starfleet captain and her chief conn officer who traveled back in time when they broke the Warp Ten barrier. The species is dying out, but Doctor Phlox discovers the solution when he realises the salamanders are chemically dependent on the drug caffeine. Archer agrees to regular shipments of coffee in exchange for the salamanders remaining silent about how this whole embarrassing situation came about in the first place (this incident was the final straw in the establishment of the Prime Directive). An amusing subplot has Archer and his away team always losing their shoes in the planet’s mud, leading Archer to order all Starfleet officers to wear knee-high boots.
- Who Mourns for Redshirts?
- The sinister Section 31 returns with a plan to reduce Earth’s chronic overpopulation by placing expendable crewmembers in red shirts so they will become easier targets for hostile aliens.
- Slash Seed
- T’Pol confides to Ensign Sato that she is going through the pon farr, a Vulcan condition in which she must have sex or die. Acting purely out of selfless friendship for her beautiful colleague, the female ensign agrees to help relieve her condition with the aid of some unusual alien vegetables. Unfortunately, their lovemaking is seen by the homophobic Klingon ambassador, Councilor Kork. Kork threatens to unleash a vast fleet of warbirds that will reduce Earth to ashes if he ever has to witness such acts over his breakfast gagh again. Archer therefore bans all homosexual liaisons between Starfleet personnel. T’Pol informs the captain that during her orgasm, she experienced a telepathic vision of the future, in which Archer’s decision will lead to a phenomenon known as “slash fiction.”
- Braga’s Brain
- A mysterious alien steals the brain of Enterprise’s scriptwriter, who seeks to fill the ensuing vacuum with loads of technobabble, gratuitous displays of flesh, lame dialogue and highly unlikely plot twists.
- The Crossover Syndrome
- A transporter accident causes Captain Archer to quantum leap through the lives of future Starfleet captains, whose crews are dumbfounded by their sudden shifts in personality. Captain Picard changes from ready-room furniture to shirt-stripping action hero, Sisko from a silent lump of wood to a chronic over-actor, while Chakotay is puzzled as to why Janeway hasn’t followed up on their flirting and is instead hanging around that sexy Borg all the time.
- A Ripple in the Fold
- An imbalance in the Enterprise’s warp drive causes undulations in the fabric of space, leading to unsightly wrinkles in the uniforms of Starfleet personnel.
- For My Head Is Hollow and I Am Blonde
- A disastrous command decision by one of Archer’s female officers leads Starfleet to rule that women be restricted to the positions of yeoman and intergalactic telephone operator.
- A Bright Shining Thigh
- In order to repair numerous temporal disruptions made by Captain Archer for the sake of plot convenience, the Federation Timeship Relativity recruits Seven of Nine to infiltrate the Enterprise. This proves more difficult than imagined as the sight of the voluptuous Borg striding around in a miniskirt causes numerous accidents on board the ship. After the Enterprise is nearly piloted into a black hole when Seven bends over to pick up a dropped compadd, Archer has to explain to her that wearing underwear is relevant. Seven of Nine decides to create a less-revealing dermaplastic garment, basing the design on something she saw when the Relativity went back to the days of the Roman Empire. Unfortunately, a visiting alien ambassador sees Seven in her new toga and sparks off a galaxy-wide toga craze that lasts until Kirk’s day. Then the evil Suliban attack the ship, hoping to gain the secret of the toga for themselves. After a desperate space battle, the Suliban vessel is fatally crippled and Seven is startled to hear Captain Archer order its total destruction. “What about human compassion?” she inquires. “F**k compassion, those bastards tried to kill my crew!” replies Archer, whereupon the former drone finally discovers true love.
- The Bald Time
- In an effort to boost flagging ratings, Captain Jean-Luc Picard travels back in time to Captain Archer’s Enterprise. Annoyed by young ensign Kirk’s snide remarks about his bald head, Picard violates the Temporal Prime Directive by saying, “One day you’ll be captain of the Enterprise... and bald!” Kirk becomes so hysterical over the thought of losing his hair that Archer believes he has gone mad. Archer is about to phaser him out of existence when Picard saves the timeline by pointing out that the young Kirk is merely undergoing a fit of over-acting. Picard and Kirk apologize to each other, with Picard commenting dryly on the need to think before opening one’s mouth. Kirk takes the lesson to heart, promising to insert numerous pauses in his speech patterns from now on. In a moving coda, Picard presents Jim Kirk with his Captain’s Toupee. “One day... I will wear this... with pride,” says the future Captain Kirk.