(Skip to Content)

Who’s the First?
An Insane Parody of Abbot and Costello’s “Who’s on First?” Routine

Written by “Spocko-chan or FaCh, the High Commander”

The “Who’s on First?” routine is one of Abbott and Costello’s most famous and best. This is a parody of the whole thing, taken from The Naughty Nineties. So, when you read this, think of Keevan and Weyoun giving the lines quick, a polished performance, just like A&C.

Disclaimer: That aforementioned routine belongs to its creators, William May (Bud) Abbott and Lou Costello, in my opinion, one of the greatest comedy pairs to make people laugh. I’m just parodizing it. Star Trek and all its characters belong to Paramount, and that’s all the legal stuff I think I need to acknowledge.

This parody is rated: AH: Absolutely Hysterical!!!

Setting: A Conference Room on Kurill Prime

Weyoun
Okay, Keevan, so what would you like to know?
Keevan
(bored) Well, since I’m going to command a Jem’Hadar troop for the first time, I have to know their names.
Weyoun
That’s perfectly logical.
Keevan
So, go ahead and tell me.
Weyoun
You know that the Jem’Hadar nowadays have strange names.
Keevan
(annoyed) They’re almost impossible to pronounce.
Weyoun
(nodding head) Exactly! That’s why the Founders—

They both throw their arms in the air and say:

Both
Hail the Founders!
Weyoun
—in all their wisdom, have given the Jem’Hadar nicknames.
Keevan
(starts to count the tiles on the ceiling.) What kind of nicknames?
Weyoun
Nice, simple nicknames.
Keevan
(monotone) Whoop-dee-doo. Tell me by rank.
Weyoun
Sure. Who’s the First, What’s the Second, and I Don’t Know’s the Third.
Keevan
(stares at Weyoun.) But that’s what I want to find out.
Weyoun
I said, Who’s the First, What’s the Second, I Don’t Know’s the Third—
Keevan
You know the fellows’ names?
Weyoun
Certainly!
Keevan
Well then! Who’s the First?
Weyoun
Yes!
Keevan
I mean the fellow’s name!
Weyoun
Who!
Keevan
The guy that’s First!
Weyoun
Who!
Keevan
The First of the Jem’Hadar!
Weyoun
Who!
Keevan
The guy that’s the First!
Weyoun
Who is the First!
Keevan
(yelling) Now what are you asking me for?

Now they start to yell at each other, but not too loudly, for their hearing will kill them for it.

Weyoun
I’m telling you, Who — is — the — First.
Keevan
Well, I’m asking you who’s the First!
Weyoun
That’s the dude’s name.
Keevan
That’s Who’s name?
Weyoun
(calming down) Yes.
Keevan
Well, go ahead and tell me.
Weyoun
Who.
Keevan
The dude that’s the First.
Weyoun
Who!
Keevan
The leader of the Jem’Hadar.
Weyoun
Who is the First!
Keevan
(sighs) All right, then. Let’s say I’m giving the ketracel white out. Who gets the white?
Weyoun
Of course he does. Why not? He’s entitled to it.
Keevan
Another question.
Weyoun
Yes?
Keevan
Why do we call Jem’Hadar “he” if they don’t really have any gender?
Weyoun
Bias.
Keevan
Back to our discussion. All I’m trying to find out is what’s the First’s name.
Weyoun
Hold on, don’t switch them around. What is the Second’s name.
Keevan
I’m not asking you who’s the Second.
Weyoun
(tired) Who is the First.
Keevan
I don’t know.
Weyoun
He’s the Third— and we’re not talking about him.
Keevan
How did I get to the Third?
Weyoun
You mentioned his name, dumb non-cloned!
Keevan
Don’t insult me, old man! If I mentioned the Third Jem’Hadar’s name, who did I say is the third?
Weyoun
No— Who’s the First.
Keevan
Never mind First— I want to know what’s the Third’s name.
Weyoun
No— What’s the Second.
Keevan
(agitated) I’m not asking you who’s the Second.
Weyoun
Who’s the First.
Keevan
I don’t know.
Weyoun
He’s the Third.
Keevan
Agggggggh! Would you please stay on the Third and don’t go off it?
Weyoun
(lodging out some ear wax from his ear with a Q-tip) What was it you wanted?
Keevan
Now who’s the name of the Third?
Weyoun
Now why must you insist on putting Who as Third?
Keevan
Why? Who am I putting over there?
Weyoun
Yes. But we don’t want him there.
Keevan
What’s the Jem’Hadar Third’s name?
Weyoun
What belongs in the Second position.
Keevan
I’m not asking you who’s the Second.
Weyoun
(enunciating) Who’s ... the ... First.
Keevan
I ... don’t ... know.
Both
Third!
Keevan
(sighs again) You got a junior troop?
Weyoun
Of course we do!
Keevan
The junior pilot’s name?
Weyoun
(simply) Why.
Keevan
(shrugs) I don’t know, I just thought I’d ask you.
Weyoun
And I just thought I’d tell you.
Keevan
Fine then, so tell me who’s piloting the ship.
Weyoun
Who is the Jem’Hadar Fir—
Keevan
Stay out of the main troop! I want to know what’s the pilot’s name.
Weyoun
What’s the Second.
Keevan
I’m not asking you who’s the Second.
Weyoun
Who’s the First.
Keevan
I don’t know.
Both
Third!
Keevan
The pilot’s name?
Weyoun
Why.
Keevan
(indignant) Because!
Weyoun
But he’s the copilot.
Keevan
Hey, you have a spy in these troops?
Weyoun
Duh! Wouldn’t this be a fine troop without a spy.
Keevan
The spy’s name.
Weyoun
Tomorrow.
Keevan
Oh come on, I’m a fellow Vorta. Why won’t you tell me today?
Weyoun
I’m telling you now.
Keevan
Then go ahead.
Weyoun
Tomorrow.
Keevan
What time?
Weyoun
What time what?
Keevan
What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who’s spying?
Weyoun
Now listen.

He grabs Keevan’s head and cleans out Keevan’s ears with some Q-Tips.

Weyoun
Who is not spying. Who is the Fir—
Keevan
I’ll break your arm if you say Who’s the First! I want to know what’s the spy’s name.
Weyoun
What’s the Second.
Keevan
I don’t know.
Both
Third!
Keevan
You got a mutilator?
Weyoun
Oh, absolutely.
Keevan
The mutilator’s name.
Weyoun
Today.
Keevan
Today. And Tomorrow’s spying.
Weyoun
Now you’ve got it.
Keevan
Great! All we’ve got is a couple of days on the team.
Weyoun
Well, I can’t help that!
Keevan
Well, I’m a mutilator, too.
Weyoun
I know that.
Keevan
Now suppose that I’m mutilating. Tomorrow’s on my troop and he has the gun while the Federation heavy is up.
Weyoun
Yes.
Keevan
Tomorrow shoots. The heavy shoots Today. Now, me being a good mutilator and all, I pick up the gun to pass it on to who?
Weyoun
Now that’s the first thing you’ve said right.
Keevan
(exasperated) I don’t even know what I’m talking about!
Weyoun
Well, that’s all you have to do. We are a race of talkers.
Keevan
So I throw the gun to the First.
Weyoun
Yes.
Keevan
Now who’s got it?
Weyoun
Naturally!
Keevan
If I throw the gun to the First, somebody has to catch it. Now who caught it?
Weyoun
Naturally!
Keevan
Who caught it?
Weyoun
Naturally.
Keevan
Who? I’m just making sure.
Weyoun
Naturally!
Keevan
(thoughtfully) Naturally.
Weyoun
Yes.
Keevan
So I pick up the gun and I throw it to Naturally.
Weyoun
No, no, no! You throw the gun to the First and Who gets it?
Keevan
Naturally.
Weyoun
That’s right. There we go.
Keevan
So— I’m just making sure— I pick up the gun and I throw it to Naturally.
Weyoun
You don’t!
Keevan
I throw it to who?
Weyoun
(smiling, relieved) Naturally.
Keevan
(frustrated and hopping out of his seat) That’s what I’m saying!
Weyoun
You’re not saying it that way. You have to say it the right way or else the dimwitted Jem’Hadar won’t be able to follow your orders.
Keevan
I said I throw the gun to Naturally.
Weyoun
You don’t— you throw the gun to Who?
Keevan
Naturally!
Weyoun
Well, say that!
Keevan
That’s what I’m saying! I throw the gun to who?
Weyoun
Naturally.
Keevan
Okay, I think I got it. Ask me.
Weyoun
You throw the gun to Who?
Keevan
Naturally.
Weyoun
That’s it.
Keevan
Same as you!! I throw the gun to the First and who gets it?
Weyoun
Naturally!
Keevan
Who has it?
Weyoun
Naturally!
Keevan
He better have it! I throw the gun to the First. Whoever it is grabs the weapon, so he passes it to the Second. Who picks up the gun and throws it to What, What throws it to I Don’t Know, I Don’t Know throws it back to Tomorrow who shoots— a quick killing maneuver.
Weyoun
Yes.
Keevan
Another one gets up and throws the gun to Because. Why? I don’t know. He’s the Third and I don’t care!
Weyoun
(cleaning his ears) Pardon me, what was that?
Keevan
I said I don’t care!
Weyoun
Oh, that’s the bellboy.

Keevan stomps out of the room and begins his rebellious streak.

This page was last modified on Wednesday, January 26, 2011.