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Star Trek: Full Contact

Written by Jason Gaston

Pleasure will be enhanced greatly if at first you watch the movie Star Trek: First Contact before reading this parody. Failure to do so will minimize the joy of reading both the parody and watching the movie since spoilers do follow. Oh, and I am writing this story largely from memory, so if any inconsistencies show up, hey! I’m only human! Thank you, and remember: Resistance is Futile!

This parody is rated: AH: Absolutely Hysterical!!!

In Picard’s quarters onboard the new Enterprise-E, Picard is awakened by his communicator.

Communicator
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
Picard
***ZZZZZZZ*** Ungh, I don’t wanna go to school today... ZZZZZ SNORT! What!? Geez, don’t these people know what time it is?

Picard activates his terminal and is greeted by an admiral.

Admiral
Is your refrigerator running, Jean-Luc?
Picard
What?
Admiral
I’m joking. Did I catch you at a bad time?
Picard
Well, actually I...
Admiral
Good. Listen babe, our outpost on Narendra Prime was destroyed.
Picard
Destroyed?
Admiral
Wiped out, obliterated, they’re outta there. I wish to offer my condolences to your crew.
Picard
Why?
Admiral
Didn’t you know? Wesley Crusher lives... well, lived there.
Picard
Who?
Admiral
Wesley Crusher. He was an ensign on the Enterprise for four seasons.
Picard
Doesn’t ring a bell.
Admiral
The Boy, Jean-Luc! The Boy!!!
Picard
Oh, The Boy. Right. So, what’s the bad news, Admiral?
Admiral
We have reason to believe that the attacking force is...
Picard
Yes, I know. The Borg!
Admiral
How’d you know that?
Picard
There’s one behind you.
Picard
Wha...!? AHHH!!!

The Admiral is assimilated as Picard watches.


Out in deep-space, the Enterprise-E is cruising along.

Picard
Captain’s log, movie #2: The moment I have feared for six years has finally happened. The Borg have remembered where the Earth is and have begun an invasion.

In the Observation Lounge, Picard hold a meeting of the Senior staff. Bev now sports blonde unmanageable hair and Geordi now has a pair of bionic eyes. A far cry better than the VISOR, the only drawback is that children are afraid of him now.

Riker
How many ships? A hundred? A thousand?
Picard
One.
Riker
Not much of an invasion, is it?
Picard
They’re on a direct course for Earth, kicking ass and taking names.
Data
At maximum warp, we can be there in a few scenes.
Riker
I mean, since when does one ship constitute an invasion?
Picard
We’re not going.
Troi
What!? You mean for once that the Enterprise is not the only ship in range?
Riker
I thought this movie was supposed to have a bigger budget, the least they could’ve done was given us ten invading ships!
Picard
Starfleet wants us to patrol the Neutral Zone and keep an eye on the Romulans.
Troi
The Romulans!?
Riker
Maybe the invading ship is like the Death Star...
LaForge
The Enterprise-E is the most sophisticated ship in the fleet. We should be on the front lines!
Crusher
Geordi, what happened to your eyes?
LaForge
What happened to your hair?
Riker
Maybe it has a death ray... now that’d be cool!
Picard
Everyone, please! Starfleet’s orders stand. Mr. Data, set a course for the Neutral Zone.
Data
Aye sir.

Everyone leaves, leaving Riker alone in the dark.

Riker
I wonder if it’s the ship from “The Best of Both Worlds” or “Descent.”

Later, in Picard’s Quarters.

Music
[deafening] BOOM!!! Shaka-laka shaka-laka shaka-laka shaka- BOOM...
Riker
Sir why are we chasing comets?
Picard
What?
Riker
I said, why are we chasing comets!?
Picard
What?
Riker
Why are we chasing comets!!!???
Picard
If you’re going to vomit, go to the bathroom!
Riker
Captain, could you turn down the music!!!???
Picard
[turns off music] Now, what about vomit?
Riker
Why are we out here chasing comets when we should be kicking some Borg butt back on Earth?
Picard
Starfleet thinks that I can’t be trusted since I was assimilated by the Borg all those years ago. I might be “an unstable element.”
Riker
[a pause] Oh... Just asking.
Troi
[over intercom] Troi to captain Picard. We’ve just received word from Earth. They’ve engaged the Borg.
Riker
Isn’t that sweet? I wonder when the wedding will be.
Picard
Oh, shut up.

On the bridge, the situation is tense as Picard and Riker enters.

Picard
Mr. Data, put Starfleet channel B on speakers.
Data
Sorry sir, the battle is exclusively on Pay-Per-View.
Picard
Damn you, Don King! Very well, turn on Pay-Per-View.
Voices
[overlapping] We’re hit! Alpha group, engage! Lock S-Foils in attack positions! Large pepperoni hold the anchovies! Can someone give me a jump? Hull breach!
Borg
[drowning out all other voices] We interrupt this battle with a bulletin from the EBS. (Emergency Borg-casting System.) We are the Borg. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Resistance is Futile. We now return you to “Star Trek: Full Contact,” already in progress.
Voices
Who was that? Hey, watch where you’re going! Fire! Hull Breach! We’re gonna blow!!! Well... maybe not. Lucky us! Auuuuuugh! Do you have Prince Albert in a can? We’re all going to die!!! Did the captain of the Lexington just flip us off? Hull breach! Hull br—
Picard
[turns off speakers] Mr. Eagle...
Hawk
Hawk, sir.
Picard
Whatever. Set a course to Earth, maximum warp! I’m about to disobey orders. If any of you have a problem with it, you can speak now. It will be filed and ignored.

No one speaks.

Picard
Alllllllllllll rightly then! Engage!

The Enterprise-E jumps to Warp.


Later, the massive Borg Cube closes in on Earth, wiping out starship after starship. The tiny ship USS Defiant runs straight at the cube shooting every weapon it’s got. The cube shoots back, chewing away at the Defiant. On board, Lt. Commander Worf is having the time of his life.

Worf
[smiling] Report!!!
Helmsman
We’re all going to die!
Worf
Bitchin’! Prepare for ramming speed!!!
Helmsman
Wait! The Enterprise has just showed up!
Worf
Aw, man! I don’t get to die anymore!

On the Enterprise Bridge...

Picard
Beam the Defiant survivors aboard.
Riker
Sir, the Admiral’s ship has been destroyed.
Picard
Good, I never did like that old windbag. Open a channel to the fleet.
Data
Channel open.
Picard
To all ships: This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the starship Enterprise. I’m taking command of the fleet.
Voices
[overlapping] What? Who is this guy??? Who does he think he is? What a jack-off! Is he going to try to reason with them? I really hate that.
Picard
Target all weapons on that round thing on the bottom of the cube.
Riker
The fleet’s responding. They’re waiting for your signal.
Picard
Fire.

All the ships fire and the cube goes boom. Unbeknownst to the Enterprise crew but beknownst to us, a smaller spherical ship is launched from the disintegrating cube and screams toward Earth.

Riker
Uhhhh... guys?
Data
How did you do that?
Picard
Simple, Mr. Data, that’s where the Borg stash all of their illegal fireworks.
Riker
Excuse me.
Troi
How’d you know that?
Picard
I can hear them.
Riker
Excuse me!
Troi
Now, Captain, you remember what we said about the voices.
Picard
Not that, you twit! I can hear the Borg as though we are still connected.
Troi
Oh.
Riker
Excuse me!!!
Picard and Troi
What?!
Riker
Don’t you think we should be chasing after that Borg Sphere?
Picard
Mon Dieu! Where’d that come from?

The Enterprise starts chasing the sphere, which has a large lead. Meanwhile, Crusher brings a mangled and bloody Worf to the bridge.

Crusher
Captain, this man claims to know you.
Picard
Have we met before, commander?
Worf
It’s me! Worf!
Picard
Worf who?
Worf
Worf Worf!
Picard
Oh, yeah! Welcome aboard the Enterprise-E, Mr. Worf!
Worf
The Defiant?
Picard
No, this is the Enterprise, Worf.
Worf
I mean, how is the Defiant??
Picard
She’s still in one piece. Some guy named Crisco or something is flying it back to that space station of yours.
Worf
Oh.
Hawk
Captain!
Picard
What is it, Mr. Vulture?
Hawk
Hawk!!!
Picard
Whatever.
Hawk
Something weird is happening to the sphere. It’s emitting cronome... crom... c... cron... crono...
Data
Chronometric particles.
Hawk
What he said.
Picard
What’s the sphere’s speed?
Data
Approaching 88 miles per hour.

The Borg sphere vanishes in a bright light, leaving a pair of fire trails behind. The Enterprise is hit by a special effect. The crew is shaken.

Picard
What the hell was that?
Hawk
We’re caught in the wake of those particle thingies!
Worf
Captain! Earth!
Picard
Yes, I know.
Worf
No, look at it!

Earth looks like something out of the final levels on Sonic the Hedgehog. The surface is completely covered with machinery and the ocean is drained.

Data
I’m detecting over nine bazillion lifeforms. All Borg!
Troi
How?
Riker
Kemosabe!
Troi
No, how did it happen!?
Picard
They went back in time and assimilated earth. Changed history!
Crusher
If they’ve changed history, why are we still here?
Riker
If we disappeared, It would be a short movie.
Picard
Hold you’re course, Mr. Finch!
Hawk
Hawk!!!
Picard
I must follow them back... repair whatever damage they’ve done!
Hawk
It’s a predatory bird!

The Enterprise vanishes, leaving a pair of fire trails behind.


Meanwhile, in the past Zefram Cochrane and his assistant, Lily, are stumbling out of a bar.

Cochrane
Bye Sam, bye Woody, bye Norm... (hic)
Lily
You’ve got to slow down Zef. You can’t blast off tomorrow drunk. Friends don’t let friend drive drunk you know... Zef, what’s that in the sky?
Cochrane
Those are fireflies... Fireflies that got stuck up in that big bluish black thing.
Lily
No, that!

The thing starts shooting, destroying everything in Cochrane’s little city. Meanwhile, the Enterprise emerges from the rift.

Picard
Report!
Hawk
Shields, Long range sensors, and the espresso machine are down.
Worf
Captain!

The Borg ship is shooting at Earth.

Picard
Mr. Worf, fire the photon torpedoes!
Worf
We don’t have photon torpedoes. We have quantum torpedoes.
Picard
Quantum torpedoes? What’s the difference?
Worf
Quantum torpedoes work.
Picard
I see. Well, shoot them.

The sphere goes boom.

Riker
I knew it! The Death Star!
Picard
Data, when are we?
Data
April 4th, 2063!
Riker
The day before Earth’s First Contact with an alien species!
Crusher
Then the Borg must have been shooting at the missile silo where Neil Armstrong is building his warp ship!
Picard
Bev, how’s your history?
Crusher
Not good.
Picard
It shows. Let’s beam down and look at the damage.

In Engineering.

LaForge
Porter, check on the temperature in here. It’s getting awfully hot.
Porter
Aye sir.

In Cochrane’s missile silo, Picard and Data examine the warp ship, the SS Minnow.

Picard
Is it damaged, Data?
Data
A little bit, but it should be no problem to fix it.

Lily, obviously deranged with fear, starts shooting at them with a machine gun.

Picard
Yah! Hey, you crazy bitch! We’re here to help you!
Lily
Bullshit!!! [Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat!!!]
Data
Leave this to me Captain.

Data jumps down to the bottom level. Grabs Lily’s gun and slams her into a wall.

Data
Captain, This woman requires medical attention!

Back on the Enterprise...

Porter
I can’t figure out why it’s so dad-blasted hot on this ship.
Woman
Did you check the thermostat?
Porter
Do you honestly think I would check hundreds of subsystems without checking the thermostat? [a pause] I’ll be right back.

Porter ducks into a Jefferies tube and screams.

Woman
Paul? Paul? Are you okay?
Audience
Call for security!!! Call for backup!!! Don’t go in there!!!

The woman enters Jefferies tube and screams.


Meanwhile, down on Earth, Picard gets a funny feeling.

Picard
You know, Data, I just got a funny feeling. Picard to Enterprise!
Worf
Worf here.
Picard
Is everything all right up there?
Worf
Engineering just got hotter than hell and we have two missing crew members, but other than that, everything’s peachy.
Picard
Mr. Data and I are returning to the ship.
Worf
So? What do you want me to do? Roll out the red carpet?

Back on the Enterprise, in Sickbay Dr. Crusher is tending to Lily.

Crusher
There, she’s all better now.
Ogawa
Good job, doctor.
Crusher
Any idea as to why it’s so hot in here?

Something starts banging on the door.

Crusher
I hear you knocking but you can’t come in!
Ogawa
Good thing we always keep the sickbay doors locked.
Crusher
Yes... a conveniently good thing.

Meanwhile, on the Bridge...

Picard
Report!
Worf
We just lost all contact with Deck 16. I just sent a few security teams there to...
Picard
No! Seal off Deck 16 and post guards on all entryways!
Worf
Okay, I’ll call the guards back then. Hmmm.... no response. Oh well!
Picard
Mr. Parrot, what was the exact atmospheric readings in engineering before we lost sensors?
Hawk
Hawk, sir. Let’s see. Humidity 95%, fair skies and 80 degrees. Tomorrow’s forecast calls for...
Picard
Thank you and shut up.
Data
Captain, what is wrong?
Picard
It’s the Borg! They must have beamed over to the Enterprise before we blew them up!

The lights go out and that “wrrrrrrrrrrr” sound happens.

Hawk
Control is being rerouted to engineering! Navigation! Life Support! Airbags! Everything!
Picard
Data! Lock out the main computer!

Data messes with a control panel.

Data
I have installed Windows 95 onto the main computer. It is highly unlikely they will figure out how to use it without the instructions, which are stored in my neural net.
Picard
First the Borg will assimilate the Enterprise and then... Earth. This is just what I needed.

In Sickbay, Beverly is slapping and shaking Lily.

Crusher
Hey you! Wake up!
Lily
W-Where am I!?!?!?
Crusher
It’s okay. Listen, I don’t want you to panic or anything, but there are about fifty evil bionic zombies trying to break down that door and get in here to kill us or worse. Now, come on!
Lily
Uh... ok.
Crusher
Nurse Ogawa! Is the EMH online?
Ogawa
The what?
Crusher
Never mind. Stay behind and make a distraction.
Ogawa
What!?
Crusher
That’s an order!!!

Ogawa stays behind as the others escape. Finally, the Borg break down the door.

Ogawa
Umm.... hi. You probably think that I’m a person. But I’m not. I’m a holographic doctor! Yeah! That’s the ticket!

The Borg push Ogawa out of the way and try to bust into Crusher’s escape route.

Ogawa
Hmph! And I thought getting ignored on the show was bad enough.

The Borg continue to ignore Ogawa, so she leaves. On Earth, Riker strolls into a bar and finds Troi and Cochrane.

Cochrane
Who’s this jerk?
Riker
My name’s Will Riker.
Cochrane
And my names Flip. As in, I don’t give a...
Troi
[Barfs on Riker’s shoes]
Riker
Deanna, you’re drunk.
Troi
I am not! Listen, Will, we’re going to have to tell him the truth! I’ve already told us our cover story about being a group of teens who travel around the country in a green van solving mysteries with our Great Dane...
Riker
And...?
Troi
He didn’t believe me.
Riker
Okay, let’s tell him the truth.

Back on the Enterprise, Picard has enlisted the help on the Colonial Space Marines from the movie Aliens.

Vasquez
I only need to know one thing, man, where they are!
Hicks
You’re just too bad, Vasquez.
Hudson
Yeah, but when they said aliens, she thought they said illegal aliens signed up!
Vasquez
Fuck you, man.
Hudson
Anytime, anywhere.
Picard
Mr. Worf, are you sure these guys can handle the Borg? They seem a little...
Drake
[BELCH]
Picard
...Crass.
Worf
Captain, these are tough hombres.
Picard
I’m sure they are. ...Listen, our primary goal once we get to engineering should be to break the plasma cooling tanks.
Data
An excellent idea sir. Plasma will liquefy organic material instantly.
Vasquez
What did he say, man?
Picard
It will make the Borg melt.
Marines
Cool! Bitchin! All right!
Picard
All right, let’s go!
Apone
Are you ready?
Marines
Yeah!!!
Apone
Are you pumped?
Marines
Yeah!!!
Apone
What are ya!!!???
Marines
Really mean Marines!!!
Apone
Ahhhhhhh.... Absolutely Badasses! Let’s move ’em out!
Worf
Captain, can I keep them?
Picard
If you keep them off the furniture, I’ll think about it.

Back on Earth...

Cochrane
Let me see if I got this straight. You guys are telling me that there is a group of intergalactic space zombies on your spaceship, which is from the future, here to enslave Earth?
Riker
Yeah.
Cochrane
Sounds like V.
Troi
Actually, it was lizard men from outer space in V.
Cochrane
I thought that was War of the Worlds?
Troi
No, no, no... We never actually saw those aliens.
Riker
Excuse me, but I think we’re getting a little off the subject here. Perhaps if you look through this telescope Geordi has aligned.

Cochrane pushes Geordi out of the way.

LaForge
Wait a minute! I haven’t actually...
Cochrane
Hot damn! That’s the prettiest-looking spaceship I’ve ever seen!
Riker
Let me see that! ...Geordi! This telescope is pointed at a women’s dorm! I know you’re a lonely guy, but come on! This is serious!
LaForge
[realigns telescope] All right. I’m sorry.
Riker
There, now look.
Cochrane
[looks] It’s a trick! How’d you do that?
Troi
It’s no trick! That’s our ship, the Enterprise, and If you don’t make your warp flight tomorrow, the future is done for!
Cochrane
Why?
Riker
Because at 10:00 AM, an alien ship will pass through is sector and detect your warp signature. Then they will land their spaceship and make First Contact with Earth right here. After that, everything changes. Mankind become nicer and more prolific. We spread like a plague throughout the galaxy, imposing our own morals on other races. It’s glorious!!!
Troi
So what do you say, doc?
Cochrane
Why not? It not like I had anything planned tomorrow.

In the bowels of the Enterprise, Picard, Data, Worf, and the Colonial Space Marines slink trough the corridors on their mission to destroy the Borg.

Drake
What’s That!?

Drake mindlessly shoots his gun-o-death at the wall. A nurse falls out dead.

Crusher
Stop firing, you idiots! It’s us!
Picard
The sickbay staff! Gomez, escort these people off this deck!
Crusher
Captain, that Lily person we beamed up with. We got separated and...
Ogawa
[Entering from another tube] That’s not what happened.
Crusher
Shut up, Alyssa.
Ogawa
Dr. Crusher made her stay behind as a diversion.
Crusher
You lie!

Crusher and Ogawa get into a catfight. Picard eventually breaks them up.

Picard
Bev, we’ll keep an eye out for your patient. Now leave, you’re upsetting the Marines.

Crusher and the sickbay staff are ushered off the deck.


Later...

Picard
Whoa!

Two Borg walk toward the Marines.

Picard
Hold your fire! They won’t attack us until they see us as a threat.
Vasquez
Until they see us as a threat!? We’re a bunch of Marines with really big guns, and they don’t see us as a threat???!!!

The Borg walk right past the Space Marines, who look genuinely pissed. After passing through a gauntlet of uninterested Borg, the team reaches the door to Engineering.

Picard
Damn! It’s locked. Who’s idea was it to put a lock on Engineering!?
Data
Yours.
Picard
And a damn good idea it was at the time.
Data
Perhaps I can force the doors open.
Picard
No, wait! I’ve got it! Data, force the doors open.

Data’s android arms begin prying the doors to Engineering open. As this is going on, Worf is staring at a Borg who is asleep in his little compartment in the wall. Suddenly, he blows it away with his phaser-bazooka.

Picard
Worf! Why did you do that!? They weren’t going to attack us until they see us as a threat!
Worf
I did not like the way he was looking at me.
Vasquez
Let’s rock!!!

The Space Marines begin blasting away at the oncoming Borg.

Picard
This is insane! Regroup on deck 15!
Worf
What about the Marines?
Picard
They seem perfectly happy here. Let’s not disturb them.

Picard, Data, and Worf begin retreating.

Picard
Now listen Worf, I think that...
Data
Captain!!!
Picard
Don’t interrupt me, Data! Now as I was saying...
Worf
Captain! The Borg have Data!
Picard
Huh?

Picard swings his head around just in time to see Data, being dragged by fifty Borg, disappear through a door.

Picard
Data!!! [a pause] Oh well...

Picard and Worf run away, while the Borg easily assimilate the Space Marines. Picard and Worf duck into a Jefferies Tube. As Picard climbs through the tube he... What!? What are you doing in here? Hey! Stop! AHHHHHHHH!!!!

PLEASE STAND BY

[Attention please. We are the Borg. We have assimilated your narrator to add his biological distinctiveness to our own, and because he isn’t a very good narrator. We do not see any need to continue this parody, however, we are not totally heartless. We will continue with “Star Trek: Full Contact” with the Borg as the Narrator. As we rejoin the story, a wonderful turn of events has taken place. Cochrane’s assistant, Lily, has taken Captain Picard hostage and is about to kill him. Let’s watch.]

Lily
Who are you!?
Picard
By name is Jean-Luc Picard and...
Lily
Who are you with!? The Eastern Coalition?
Picard
Paramount.
Lily
Get me out of here!
Picard
That may not be easy.
Lily
Yeah, and you may not be alive in the near future.
Picard
All right... follow me.
Lily
Slow!
Picard
I would prefer fast under the circumstances.

[Meanwhile, down on the ugly green planet Earth, the inferior crew of the USS Enterprise N-C-C-1-7-0-1-E is talking to Zefram Cochrane.]

Barclay
Dr. Cochrane...
Cochrane
What now?
Barclay
Could you please say, “that’ll do pig?”
Lily
“That’ll do pig!?”
Barclay
Oh, thank you! Thank you!
LaForge
Reg?
Barclay
Yes?
LaForge
Go away.
Barclay
Okay.
Cochrane
Do they have to keep doing that?
LaForge
It’s just a little hero worship doc. [a pause] Man, I wish I had a picture of this.
Cochrane
Of what?
LaForge
You are standing almost on the spot where your crypt will be in the future.
Cochrane
Crypt?!
LaForge
Yeah, well, you see... twenty years after your warp flight, you die very slowly of radiation poisoning and what’s left of your body is buried here. After another ten years, grave robbers come by and steal your head and sell it on the black market, where it’s grounded into a fine powder and drank by Voodoo witch doctors who think that... Doctor Cochrane? Now where do you suppose he ran off to?

[Back on the Human’s ship Enterprise...]

Picard
Look, Lily, I know that this is going to sound weird, but you are on a spaceship.
Lily
Shut up and get me out of here!
Picard
Okay, fine! You want a way out, here it is!

[Picard rolls down a window to reveal Earth spinning below.]

Lily
What!? What is this!?
Picard
Australia, New Guinea, Roseanne... I know this is hard for you to understand, but you have to trust me.
Lily
Okay. [Lily give Picard the phaser]
Picard
Thank you. Hey! This thing was on setting one.
Lily
So?
Picard
If you would have shot me, it would have tickled.
Lily
It’s my first ray gun.

[Meanwhile, in the Enterprise Engine Room, Data meets the stunningly beautiful Borg Queen. Sure, she’s only a head and shoulders and she’s slimy and evil and...

Queen
Get on with it!

...Oh, right... Anyway, Data meets the Borg Queen.]

Data
Who are you?
Queen
Weren’t you listening to the narrator? I am the Borg Queen.
Data
You’re the queen of the Borg?
Queen
Yes.
Data
Pull the other one!
Queen
I’m serious! [The Borg Queen’s head lowers from the ceiling and attaches to her body] I bring order to chaos. I seek perfection.
Data
[snickering]
Queen
What’s so funny?
Data
Nothing... Bah! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Queen
What!? What is it?
Data
Your head’s on... backwards! Ha Ha Ha!!!
Queen
What!? Oh for goodness sakes! Why didn’t someone tell me my ass was so big!
Mel Brooks
You can’t do that!
Queen
Huh? Who are you?
Mel Brooks
I am Mel Brooks and I featured the “head on backwards” joke in my movie Spaceballs! You can’t just steal jokes like that! Prepare to hear from my lawyer.
Queen
But Mel, the Borg do not steal jokes, we assimilate them. By assimilating your joke, we have brought it closer to perfection.
Mel Brooks
Forgive me, but the Borg couldn’t write a joke if their life depended on it! I, on the other hand, am a master comedian!
Queen
Good point. Take him away!

[Several Borg begin assimilating Mel Brooks.]

Data
Uh... can I go now?
Queen
No. Do you know what this is, Data?
Data
My arm.
Queen
What is on your arm?
Data
My uniform sleeve.
Queen
[miffed] Below that, Data...
Data
It appears you are grafting organic skin onto me!
Queen
What a cold description for such a wonderful gift.
Data
Gift, my fanny! All you want from me is the instructions to Windows 95 so you can break into the main computer!
Queen
Yeah, it’s an even trade! Cool huh?
Data
I guess...
Queen
[Blows on Data’s arm]
Data
Ooooooooohhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhh!
Queen
That’s what I like to call a “borgasm.”
Data
Whoa, Mama! That felt good.

[Meanwhile, Picard and Lily sneak through the Enterprise corridors trying to get to the bridge. What’s the point? Don’t they know that Resistance is Futile?!]

Lily
This ship is huge! How much did it cost to build?
Picard
The economy of the future are somewhat different. You see, In my century, money doesn’t exist.
Lily
That much, huh?
Picard
No, no... you see, in the future we seek to better ourselves.
Lily
Then why haven’t they cured baldness yet?
Picard
[offended] Listen, I’m trying to get you out of here, but if you don’t shut up I’m gonna....
Lily
Whaaaaaaa!
Picard
Yes, scream. Exactly.
Lily
No you idiot! Look over there!

[Picard turns and sees the many Borg redecorating the Enterprise into a great and beautiful ship. Much, much better than those brightly lit halls they used to have. Idiotically, Captain Picard fires a phaser at two of the workers. The workers go after them, chasing them into a Holodeck that is running that Dickboy Hill program the Captain seems to be so fond of.]

Lily
What are you doing?
Picard
We can dance with each other and blend in with the characters in the holodeck. The Borg will never be able to find us!

[The Borg cut power to the Holodeck, and the holo-characters disappear, leaving Picard and Lily dancing alone in the empty room.]

Picard
Shit!!!
Lily
What do we do now!?
Picard
Nothing. Not unless you still have that...
Lily
[whips out machine gun and mows down the Borg]
Picard
...machine gun of yours.
Lily
Never leave home without it.
Picard
[ripping the Borg’s guts out]
Lily
Jeez, Jean-Luc! If you’re hungry there’s got to be a vending machine somewhere around here!
Picard
I’m not hungry, you twit! I’m looking for the Borg’s neural processor! Ah here it is. ...That’s funny. The tricorder isn’t reading any data.
Lily
That’s because you’ve got his liver. What is a neurotic processor anyway?
Picard
It’s a chip that every Borg has. It tells them what to do. I think I’ve found it.
Chip
Get up! Get up! Kick their asses!
Picard
Yep. This is it. By reading this, I’ll be able to find out what devious plot the Borg are conjuring. [reads tricorder] I’ve got to get to the bridge.

[Picard and Lily run away leaving the two brave fallen Borg where they murdered them. It’s a time of great sadness. Meanwhile, on the bridge, the ugly Klingon is—]

[ZAP!!! Sizzle...]

Worf
Report!
Redshirt
The Borg were advancing on us fast sir. Then, when they got to Deck 10. They just stopped!
Worf
How is the fighting going?
Redshirt
Not to good sir, the only headway we’ve made is that we killed that Borg that took over as narrator.
Worf
Thank god for that. Okay, report to your post, Ensign Redshirt.
Redshirt
Uhh... [gulp] Okay.
Worf
The Borg have assimilated over half of this ship and now they stop. Why? What is on deck ten?
Hawk
Hydroponics, Deflector Control, the Food Court... No essential systems!
Worf
They would not stop unless it gave them a tactical advantage.
Noise
[knock knock]
Hawk
Who’s there?
Worf
What?
Hawk
You said “knock knock.”
Worf
I did no such thing!
Noise
[knock knock]
Crusher
It’s coming from the floor!
Worf
Who’s down there!?
Picard
It’s me!
Worf
Me who?
Picard
Captain Picard!
Hawk
He could have been assimilated, sir.
Worf
Point taken. Captain...
Picard
What?
Worf
We can’t let you up here without the secret password.
Picard
Secret what?
Worf
What is the secret password!?!?!?!?
Picard
“Demotion.”
Worf
It’s him. He may enter.
Picard
[entering] I think I found something you lost, Bev.
Lily
[giving Bev the evil eye] I’ll deal with you later.
Crusher
Oooo, I’m scared!
Picard
Report.
Worf
The Borg have take the ship up to Deck 10, and the story’s narrator is dead.
Picard
We have a bigger problem. The Borg are turning the main deflector dish into an interplexing beacon.
Hawk
Interplexing?
Picard
That’s right, Mr. Mayna.
Hawk
Hawk.
Picard
Whatever. When the Borg have completed the beacon, they’ll be able to send for reinforcements of Borg from the Delta Quadrant.
Worf
The Delta Quadrant? Isn’t that where the USS Voyager is currently located?
Picard
Why, yes Worf, it is, and now with the revelation that the Borg originate in the Delta Quadrant, The Voyager will be up to its neck in hard-core action. That’s Star Trek: Voyager, every Wednesday night at 8:00 on UPN.
Hawk
What do we do?
Picard
Set our VCRs.
Hawk
I mean about the interplastic bacon.
Picard
You, Worf, and I will put on our spacesuits and destroy the bacon... uh... I mean beacon ourselves.
Hawk
Me!? Why me!?
Picard
Regulation 46-A says that on any dangerous mission, established characters are to be accompanied by at least on nameless redshirt.
Hawk
What about him!? [points at Ensign Redshirt]
Picard
He’s scheduled to be killed in the montage.
Redshirt
Excuse me?
Picard
Come on, let’s go.
Crusher
Jean-Luc, wait!
Picard
Bev? Are you still here?
Crusher
Yes. What about the Narrator? We can’t go on without a narrator.
Picard
Good point. Just active the ENH program.
Crusher
ENH?
Picard
The Emergency Narration Hologram. [Picard and company leaves]
Crusher
Computer: Activate the ENH program.

[Please state the nature of the literary emergency]

Crusher
We were halfway through a parody and our regular narrator was killed.

[Name of the story?]

Crusher
“Star Trek: Full Contact.”

[Yeccch!]

Crusher
Ahem!

[Oh, very well!]


[Leaving little Miss Country Doctor, we journey to Earth where Riker and Geordi are in pursuit of Cochrane.]

Riker
Dr. Cochrane, don’t run! We’re your friends!
Cochrane
Bull! You guys stay away from me! [Cochrane starts running]
Riker
We don’t have time for this. Phasers on kill.
LaForge
Stun, sir.
Riker
Right, stun. Fire!

[Riker and LaForge shoot Cochrane.]

Cochrane
I thought... you said... you were... my friends.
Riker
We are.
Cochrane
You have a damn funny way of showing it...

[As Cochrane’s friends tend to the third degree burns on his back, we return to the Enterprise’s engine room where the Borg Queen is trying to seduce Data.]

Queen
How do you like the skin, Dada?
Data
Data.
Queen
Whatever.
Data
It’s fine except for...
Queen
Except for what?
Data
Oh, it’s nothing.
Queen
No, what is it?
Data
Well, it’s just that...
Queen
Tell me, what?
Data
It itches.
Queen
Oh. What can I do?
Data
Could you release my arms so that I might scratch it?
Queen
I can’t do that.
Data
Why?
Queen
You’ll try to escape.
Data
I will not!
Queen
Will!
Data
Won’t!
Queen
You will too. And you just used a contraction.
Data
No, I didn’t!
Queen
Okay, if I release your arms will you promise not to escape?
Data
Yes.
Queen
Cross your heart?
Data
Yes.
Queen
Hope to die?
Data
Yessssssss!
Queen
Okay, I’m going to release you now. Remember you promised!

[Data escapes and beats up the Queen. Several Borg (formerly the starting line of the Dallas Cowboys) tackle the brave android and shove him in front of the Queen.]

Queen
[getting up] You’re becoming more human all the time, Data. Now you’re learning how to lie.
Data
[shrugs]
Queen
How much do you know about physical forms of pleasure?
Data
I am programmed in multiple techniques and positions.
Queen
How long since you used them?
Data
Episode #2. “The Naked Now.”
Queen
Far too long. [kisses Data]

[Quickly leaving this disgusting development, we journey into space where Picard. Worf, and Condor...]

Hawk
Hawk! Hawk, dammit!!!

[...Whatever. ...Are preparing to release the main deflector. Now, for it to work, all three of the maglock have to be released at once. (Makes perfect sense.) Now, Picard unlocks his easily. Hawk begins to unlock his when a Borg starts toward him. Unimpressed, the edgy ensign takes out his bazooka and blows the Borg to smithereens. Worf barely manages to unlock his when another Borg notices something is up and begins to tromp towards him. Worf fires his bazooka which doesn’t phase the Borg one bit. Undaunted, Worf pulls out his sword and slices and dices his enemy to pieces. Triumphant, the Klingon bends over to pick up his phaser and splits his pants. The loss of oxygen causes him to pass out. Another Borg starts toward Hawk. Picard sees this and tries to warn his trusty helmsman.]

Picard
Hey, lookout Falcon! No... uh... Pigeon! Uhhh uhh... Parakeet! No, that’s not it. It’s... it’s... uh... Duck! Damn. No, it’s... Hawk!!!
Hawk
WHA..!? AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

[The Borg drag Hawk away as Picard watches. The Borg then turn their sights on Picard who helplessly backs away. Suddenly...]

[At this point, the film breaks in the projector. After an hour of the audience throwing Milk Duds at the screen, the film starts again with Picard and Worf back on the bridge.]

Crusher
Bravo on you actions outside.
Picard
We were good, weren’t we?
Crusher
Too bad about Hawk.
Picard and Worf
Who?

[Meanwhile, down on Earth, Cochrane is preparing the SS Minnow for launch.]

Riker
Ready to launch doc?
Cochrane
I don’t know if I really want to... [Riker pulls his phaser] Oh! Yeah! I can’t wait to get up into the wild blue yonder! You betcha!
Riker
Get ready to launch. You’ve got less than an hour.
Cochrane
Yessir!

[Back on the Enterprise.]

Redshirt
It’s pretty bad sir. The Borg just overran every checkpoint we have! It’s like they’ve gone mad! Mad, I tell you!!! Mad!!!!
Worf
What are you doing?
Redshirt
I’m going for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar.
Worf
Quit it.
Redshirt
Aye, sir.
Worf
Our choice is obvious. We must activate the auto destruct system and evacuate the Enterprise.
Crusher
Don’t you mean evacuate the Enterprise and then activate the auto-destruct?
Worf
That’s what I said. Destroy, then evacuate!
Picard
No! We’re going to stay and fight!
Worf
Don’t you mean try to reason with?
Picard
No! I mean stay and fight!!! [Picard leaves]
Worf
I am pleasantly surprised!
Lily
Hold up! If we can get off this ship and blow it up, let’s do it!
Crusher
The captain has made up his mind and we are going to follow his orders!
Lily
That’s stupid! [chases after Picard]
Picard
[to Lily] Get out!
Lily
This is so unlike you Jean-Luc! You’re not the kind of man to fight! You’re a diplomat, not a warrior!
Picard
Nobody knows the Borg as I do, Lily! I will make them pay for what they did to me. Klingon honor demands vengeance! The streets will flow with the blood of the nonbelievers!
Lily
What did you say?
Picard
I said the streets will flow with the blood of the...
Lily
Before that.
Picard
Oh, uh... Klingon honor demands vengeance.
Lily
Klingon honor? What the hell are you talking about?
Picard
I’m... I’m not quite sure. Let me check the script. [a pause] Well, I’ll be darned, this is Worf’s script! I must have picked it up by mistake!
Lily
So is that why you’ve been acting like such an ass?
Picard
Yes, I suppose it is why I... I was?
Lily
Uh-huh.
Picard
Well, it seems there is only one thing left to do...

[Later...]

Picard
Prepare to evacuate the Enterprise.
Worf
Jolly good, sir.
Picard
[Hands Worf a script] I believe this is yours, Mr. Worf. I think we switched scripts somewhere along the way.
Worf
So that’s where this wussy little accent came from.
Picard
Computer: Blow up the ship in fifteen minutes.
Computer
Ship will blow up in fifteen minutes.
Crusher
Thank goodness for the idiot-proof Starfleet.
Picard
Mr. Worf, put me on the intercom.
Worf
You’re on.
Picard
This is Captain Picard. The auto-destruct system has been engaged, therefore I highly recommend that you get into an escape pod and get away.
Worf
Good idea telling the crew sir, it’s just a shame that everyone below decks is dead.
Picard
Shit. Well, everybody, I suggest you get an escape pod now before...

[Picard turns to see that everyone has already left. Picard stands there for a few moments and then turns to leave.]

Voices
[mumbling]
Data
[silently] ...Rosebud...
Picard
Data?

[On Earth, Cochrane, LaForge, and Riker are preparing for launch.]

Troi
[on radio] 10... 9... 8...
Cochrane
Oh God! I forgot! Where is it?!
Troi
7... 6... 5...
Cochrane
[puts CD in player] Let’s rock and roll!
Troi
4... 3... 2..
Music
Hey Mickey you’re so fine. You’re so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey! [clap clap clap clap clap clap] Hey Mickey!
Cochrane
[singing along]

[Cochrane’s ship blasts off into space.]


[Meanwhile, the Enterprise is totally deserted except for Picard who slowly makes his way to engineering. The Borg allow him to enter.]

Queen
What’s wrong, Locutus? Doesn’t this look familiar?
Picard
Yes, it’s Engineering. It should look familiar.
Queen
You don’t remember me, do you?
Picard
Risa? Last summer?
Queen
I was there on the Borg ship.
Picard
The one that blew up?
Queen
My head didn’t always come off, you know.
Picard
I see. Well, this is fascinating and all, but I really need to rescue Data.

[Data emerges from the shadows, half of his face is covered with skin.]

Data
I do not want to go.
Picard
It’s the Phantom! The Phantom of the Opera!
Queen
Data’s my new boyfriend, and he’s not going anywhere. Isn’t that right, my little honey-muffin?
Data
That’s right, my little cream cake.
Picard
This is so sweet. You make a lovely couple. You’ll excuse me of course, while I go outside and retch.
Queen
Small words from a small being.
Picard
It’s not the size that matters, it’s how you use it!
Queen
Enough of this! Take him away!

[Several Borg grab Picard.]

Queen
Data, show me how Windows 95 works.
Data
Of course.
Picard
No Data! Don’t do it!

[Data smacks Picard out of the way and begins instructing the Queen on how to use the computer. After a few minutes, the Queen smiles.]

Queen
Why, it’s so simple once you know how!
Data
And at a great price of $95.95, Windows 95 can be yours. (See your local software dealer.)
Queen
Destroy the warp ship and target them.
Data
Do you not mean, target then destroy?
Queen
Whatever. Destroy them!

[Data fires.]

Queen
Watch... your future’s end.
Picard
That’s right! Star Trek: Voyager — “Future’s End,” an exciting two-part story. Airing Wednesday on UPN!
Queen
Everyone! Shut up! This isn’t the time to be plugging anything!

[The torpedoes miss.]

Picard
The torpedoes missed!
Queen
The torpedoes missed!?
All Borg
The torpedoes missed!?!?!?
Data
Resistance is fruitless!
Queen
Futile!
Data
Whatever!!!

[Data breaks the plasma cooling tanks Picard was talking to the Space Marines about earlier in this parody. The plasma engulfs the Borg causing their organic sides to melt away like butter on a hot plate. Picard and the Queen scramble up some loose hoses to get away. Suddenly, the theme from Jaws starts to play. Worried, the Queen looks around the pool of hot plasma and sees nothing. Instantly, Data, who looks like the Terminator, jumps out of the hot plasma and pulls the Queen to her death.]

Queen
[dying] Remember... [she disintegrates]

[Meanwhile, Cochrane’s warp ship hits warp speed, plastering its occupants onto the back of the cockpit.]

Riker
Stop this crazy thing!
Cochrane
We can’t stop! It’s too dangerous! We have to slow down first!
Riker
Bullshit! Stop this thing! I order you! Stoooooooooooop!!!

[Cochrane stops his ship. Riker, Geordi, and Cochrane fly forward and hit the front window.]

Cochrane
[face smashed up against the glass] Umf Ummmf Muuf?
Riker
What?
Cochrane
Is that Earth?
Riker
That’s it.
Cochrane
It’s so small and insignificant.
LaForge
Yeah, depressing as hell, ain’t it?

[On the Enterprise, Picard vents all of the plasma out of the engine room and makes his way through all of the dead Borg. He finds what’s left of the Queen and pulls her batteries out, ending her tyranny once and for all.]

Data
Captain.
Picard
Data, are you ok?
Data
Do I look ok?
Picard
No.
Data
[looking at Queen] Strange. In a way, I’m sad that she’s dead.
Picard
Strange indeed.
Data
I almost found her attractive.
Picard
So did I... in a morbid and sick sort of way. You know, Data, there’s something I want to ask you.
Data
What?
Picard
When you knocked me out of the way a while ago, you almost acted as if you were enjoying yourself.
Data
It must have been a malfunction in my emotion chip.
Picard
I suppose so.

[Data and Picard get up to leave. Data trips Picard, who turns and glares at him. Data shrugs.]


Picard
[Voice over] Captain’s Epilogue, Movie #2: The voyage of the Minnow was a success. The alien ship saw the warp signature, and is about to land on Earth.

[In Cochrane’s little city, a massive spacecraft descends from the clouds. Stunned, the city dwellers watch as the spaceship’s landing legs crush a dog. A door opens, and three humanoids emerge, wearing long robes.]

Cochrane
Are they really from another planet?
Troi
No, they’re from Jersey. Where do you think!?
Riker
Yes, they’re from another planet, and they’re gonna wanna meet the man who flew that ship.
Cochrane
Boy, do I envy him.
LaForge
It is you.
Cochrane
Oh yeah...!

[Cochrane approaches the aliens. The lead alien lifts his hood to reveal...]

Alien
I am Goss. DaiMon of the Ferengi.
Cochrane
How the hell are ya?
Picard
[to his crew] I think we’d better leave.
Riker
Enterprise, prepare to beam us up.
Picard
[walks over to Lily]
Lily
Is it time for you to go?
Picard
Yes.
Lily
I envy you. The world you’re going to.
Picard
And I envy you. That full head of hair. [Kisses Lily. Slips her the tongue]
Lily
[spitting uncontrollably]
Picard
Picard to Enterprise. Three to beam up.
Crusher
Five, sir.
Picard
Right. Five.

[Picard and company beam away. Lily gives them the finger. Later, on the bridge...]

Picard
Report.
LaForge
It’s taken me a while, but I think I can recreate the chronometric particles of the Borg sphere.
Picard
Why didn’t we just slingshot around the sun?
LaForge
[mumbling] I dunno.
Picard
Aw, to hell with it. Set a course to the 24th century.
Data
Course laid in.
Picard
Engage.

[The Enterprise explodes in a great fireball.]

Announcer
Oh, no!!! It this the end of Picard and his brave crew of sassy spacemen? Does their perilous journey end in the 21st century in a fiery cataclysm? Are the Borg really dead? What is the mystery of the Yeti? Do you know the muffin man? Tune in next time for more of Star Trek: The Next Generation Goes to the Movies and find out!!!

The End

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.