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Star Trek V: The Funny Frontier

Written by Jason Gaston

Author’s Note: Although it will be painful, it is recommended that one watch Star Trek V: The Final Frontier before reading this parody.

On Numbbutts III: The Planet of Galactic Merchandising, a lone figure, Jethroe, is drilling for oil. He looks up and sees Sybok on a horse approaching. Scared, he grabs his cap gun and prepares to defend himself.

Sybok
I thought weapons were forbidden on this planet. Besides, I don’t think you’d kill me for a field of empty holes.
Jethroe
Uh... what other kind of holes are there besides empty?
Sybok
Look, let’s cut to the chase, ugly. Each man holds a separate pain. What is yours?
Jethroe
You are standing on my foot.
Sybok
Oopsie! Sorry ’bout that!
Jethroe
(enchanted) It’s as if a weight has been lifted from my sole! How can I repay you for this miracle?
Sybok
Join my quest!
Jethroe
What are you looking for?
Sybok
What you seek...
Jethroe
Oil?
Sybok
No, not oil! Shut up and pay attention. I am seeking the ultimate truth, but to find it, I’ll need a starship.
Jethroe
A starship?
Sybok
Yes, a starship. What are you? Deaf?
Jethroe
But there aren’t any starships on Numbbutts III!
Sybok
Perhaps I have a way to bring one here.
Jethroe
How?

Sybok lifts his hood revealing a pair of pointed ears. Jethroe wonders if Sybok is planning to catch a starship using them. Sybok begins laughing at a joke he had heard earlier that day.


Meanwhile, in Earth’s Yosemite Sam National Park, McCoy is watching Kirk and Spock climb a mountain.

McCoy
I hope he falls and breaks his neck.
Spock
Greetings, Captain.
Kirk
[startled] Spock! You can fly!
Spock
I am not flying, Captain, I am simply wearing a pair of Nike anti-gravity boots.
Kirk
What are you doing in this neck of the woods?
Spock
I have been waiting for you to fall.
Kirk
I’m fatter... uh, I mean flattered.
Spock
Well, you will be flatter once you hit the ground.
Kirk
Twevle zillion points of interest in Yosemite, and you pick me?
Spock
You are the largest.
Kirk
Why don’t you go piss off McCoy for a while?
Spock
I’m afraid the doctor is not in the best of moods.
McCoy
[singing] Listen to the mockingbird, listen to the mockingbird....
Spock
Control is vital. You must be one with the rock.
Kirk
[lets go of rock to adjust girdle] Spock I’m grateful that you are trying to help me but... Hey! Don’t fly away while I’m talking to you!
Spock
I am not flying away captain. You are falling.
Kirk
Oh... What?!?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Kirk hits the ground with an earth-shattering ka-boom. McCoy and Spock rush over.]

McCoy
Jim, are you all right!?
Kirk
I’m fine, Bones. I landed on my stomach.
Spock
Fortunately, the landing was soft enough to prevent any damage.
McCoy
Do you want any help out of the impact crater?

Meanwhile, back on Numbbutts III, Cathin Dar, the new Romulan representative meets with Talburt, a human, and Korrd, a Klingon.]

Dar
Gentlemen, I am Cathlin Dar.
Talburt
Yes, we heard. I am Singin Talburt from the Federation, and this bag of lard is the over-the-hill Klingon councilman, Korrd.
Korrd
BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP!
Dar
Is that Klingon for hello?
Korrd
No, it means, “I think you are the most beautiful creature in the galaxy. Do you want to have sex?”
Dar
Later maybe. Thirty years ago, our three governments formed this planet together to capitalize on the growing success of Star Trek merchandising. A new age was born.
Talburt
Our new age died a quick death. Especially when the profitable Star Trek action figure market dried up... but, I suppose that’s what we get for marketing twenty variations of Troi in one month.
Dar
Well, it looks like I’ve arrived just in time!

Alarms go off.

Dar
What’s that?
Talburt
Oh. It’s nothing. The alarms are telling us that the city is being attacked again. What’s next on the agenda?
Korrd
We are supposed to look over the prototypes of the “Lursa and B’Etor Snap-on Cleavage set.”
Talburt
Oh, yes.
Sybok
Greetings, everyone.
Dar
Mr. President, I call a point of order. The armed terrorist has not been given permission to speak.
Talburt
You are correct. From now on, get permission from the chair before speaking.
Sybok
[raises hand]
Talburt
The chair recognizes the armed terrorist.
Sybok
I’m afraid that I must take you all prisoner.
Talburt
Motion on the floor is that the armed terrorist take us prisoner.
Korrd
I second the motion.
Talburt
Motion is seconded. Let’s vote.

Meanwhile, on board the new Enterprise.

Scotty
Chief Engineer’s top secret diary, Stardate: 276892896789216789467843789708 [takes deep breath] 4879053278903278903.84834327896 26429 [whew!] I’ve been looking at this new Enterprise, and I’m beginning to think that Starfleet just took the old one we blew up and put it back together with superglue. She’s got a fine engine and late night buffet, but half of the doors won’t open, and guess whose job it is to make it right?

On the bridge, Uhura is stuck in a turbolift door.

Bob Vila
This isn’t my job. I’m leaving. [...and he does.]
Uhura
It’s your job Scotty!
Scotty
Lass! What did you do to your head? It looks like your wearing a steel wool hairdo!

Alarms go off.

Scotty
I just fixed that damned thing! Shut it off, will you?
Admiral
Red Alert! Red Alert! Enterprise, come in!
Uhura
Scotty, I think that this is for real.
Scotty
Real who?
Uhura
Not a person named Real. I mean, this is genuine!
Scotty
I said shut it off!
Admiral
You’re not shutting me off this time Mr. Scott! Get on the horn and tell all of your buddies playing wilderness boys that we’ve cancelled vacation!

Back at Yosemite Sam National Park, Kirk and company sit down around a campfire.

McCoy
Have I mentioned that you really piss me off, Jim?
Kirk
Not in the last four or five minutes, no.
McCoy
Well you do! Falling off that mountain you should’ve been killed!
Kirk
Well, for your information doctor, even as I fell I knew I wouldn’t die. You see, all my life I’ve always known that I’ll either die alone, or with some bald French guy.
McCoy
Look, I’m drunk and gassy, let’s go to sleep.
Kirk
Good idea. Good night, Spock. Good night, Bones.
Spock
Good night, doctor. Good night, Jim.
McCoy
Good night, Spock. Good night, Jim.
All
Good night, John-boy.

Far out in the cold reaches of space, the Voyager floats by. Suddenly, a Klingon Bird-of-Prey decloaks. On board the Klingon ship, the young brat Captain Klaa makes his way to the bridge.

Klaa
What we got today?
Vixis
We got some old ship out there. I think it has Earth origins.
Klaa
Good! Fire!
Janeway
Greetings, I am Captain Janeway of the Federation Starship Voy

The Bird-of-Prey shoots Voyager, which goes boom.

Klaa
Blasting space-junk is fun and all, but I really wish I had something more exciting to do.
Vixis
Oh, well in that case, we got a message a couple of weeks ago about hostages on Numbutts III. One of the hostages is a Klingon!
Klaa
Wowee! That means I’ll get to fight a real Captain! Vixis, take us to Numbbutts III!

Later, Kirk, Spock, and McCoy are awakened by a shuttle.

McCoy
It’s gonna land on us! Run for your lives!!!

Shuttle lands and Uhura steps out.

Uhura
Mr. Scott apologizes for having to send the shuttlecraft, but the transporter is conveniently broken. Captain, the brass has cancelled shore leave and wants you to get your butt to the ship.
Kirk
Why didn’t you beep my pager?
Uhura
We did. Apparenty you were wearing it in your back pocket and sat on it.
Kirk
I see. Well, McCoy, Spock. Let’s go.

The shuttle lifts off as the forest turns into a raging inferno because of the campfire Kirk had left behind. As they enter orbit, they see the great starship Enterprise.

Kirk
“Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale. A tale of a fateful trip...”
McCoy
The Brady Bunch.
Spock
Gilligan’s Island.
McCoy
Are you sure about that?
Kirk
I am well versed in the classics doctor.
McCoy
Then how come you didn’t sing “Row, Row, Row You Boat?”
Spock
Because I have dignity, doctor.

The shuttle docks and Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Uhura are greeted by Scotty.

Scotty
All I can say is, they don’t make them like like they used to.
Kirk
You said you could have this ship ready in two weeks. I gave you two days! That’s gross incompetence on your part, Scotty. I’ll see you in hell!!!

Kirk, Uhura, Spock, and McCoy board the turbolift.

Turbolift
WARNING! THIS LIFT CAN ONLY HOLD A MAXIMUM OF 2000 POUNDS!!!
Spock
Captain, perhaps you, Uhura, and Scotty should wait for the next car.

Later, Kirk and Uhura arrive on the bridge.

Uhura
Captain, we have an incoming transmission from Starfleet Headquarters.
Gene Roddenberry
Jim! Well, we’re dressing informally aren’t we?
Kirk
There is nothing informal about a Beavis and Butt-head T-shirt, sir.
Gene Roddenberry
Look, I apologize for cancelling shore leave, but look. We have a potentially dramatic situation developing on Numbbutts III.
Kirk
The planet of Galactic Babes?
Gene Roddenberry
No, your thinking of Numb-busts III, I can see how you can get them confused. Your mission, Jim, should you choose to accept, it is to go to Numbbutts III, rescue the hostages...
Kirk
You didn’t say anything about hostages!
Gene Roddenberry
Yes, I did.
Kirk
No, you did not.
Gene Roddenberry
Well, anyway, there are hostages. Go there and get them out.
Kirk
Can we kill them?
Gene Roddenberry
Not this time.
Kirk
Understood, Kirk out. Mr. Sulu, lay in a course to Numbbuts III. Warp 14. It would appear that the ship’s problems will have to be solved on route... Yada, yada, yada... End of speech.
McCoy
Jim, We’re bound to run into the Klingons, and they don’t like you. Remember?
Kirk
They don’t like me? Really? Oh, all of this time I thought they were just playing. Of course I know that they don’t like me, you idiot!

Kirk sits down and crushes the command chair.

Kirk
Man, do I miss my old chair.

Meanwhile...

Vixis
Aptain-Cay! He-Tay Enterprise Is-ay Oming-Cay!
Klaa
What?
Vixis
I said that Starfleet is sending the Enterprise.
Klaa
That’s Kirk’s ship! Egads! He’ll beat the shit out of me! Withdraw! Withdraw!
Vixis
But Captain! If by some stroke of luck you actually beat Kirk, you’ll become known as the luckiest chump in the galaxy!
Klaa
Hmmm... You do have a point. Very well! Resume course!

Meanwhile...

Kirk
What is that ugly guy doing on the viewscreen?
Spock
That’s one of the hostages. General Korrd. He was Mr. Congeniality, 1983.
Kirk
Are any of the other hostages important?
Spock
Not really.
Kirk
Good. Let’s skip ’em! Show the Hostage tape!
Dar
[on viewscreen] A few moments ago, we voted to be the hostages of the Galactic Army of Light and Other Wussy Stuff. Their leader says he wants you guys to send a starship and bail us out.
Sybok
I regret this desperate acting, but this is a terrible movie. I employ you...
Dar
Implore.
Sybok
Right. I implore you, to respond. Immediately! This tape will self-destruct in five seconds.
Kirk
What a putz. Spock, did you see what a putz that guy was? Spock? Hello? Earth to Spock!
Spock
I’m sorry, Captain.
Kirk
What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a half-brother you’ve kept hidden from your friends because he’s bonkers and dangerous.
Spock
Perhaps I have, Captain. Perhaps I have.

Later, in the Enterprise’s Naval Musem...

Kirk
Ok Spock. What’s going on? Do you know that Sybok guy?
Spock
He reminds me of somebody I knew when I starred on Mission: Impossible. You see, I knew this guy many years ago. I was his teacher. But, my pupil was a rebel.
Kirk
What’s that mean?
Spock
He embraced the animal passions of our ancestors.
Kirk
No, I mean what does pupil mean?
Uhura
[on intercom] Captain, we are entering orbit of Numbbutts III.
Kirk
Right-O, on my way! Spock?
Spock
I’m coming! I’m coming!

Back on the Bridge...

Kirk
Scotty, have you got the transporters fixed yet?
Scotty
They’re broken!? Why am I always the last one to know about these things!?
Spock
A vessel is entering the sector. Bird-of-Prey, estimating five minutes until her weapons come to bear.
All
Five minutes!!!???
Spock
Or five hours, I can never read this damn thing right.
Kirk
It looks like we’ll have to get the hostages out the old-fashioned way.
Chekov
Kill them?
Kirk
Ordinarily, I’d agree, but we can’t. Sulu, Uhura, Spock, McCoy, myself, and a contingent of nameless redshirts will go to the planet via shuttlecraft.
Chekov
That is a really stupid plan.

In the bar on Numbbutts III...

Chekov
[on communicator] I am Pavel Chekov of the Federation starship Enterprise. You are in violation of Starfleet Regulation 34315432-A and you are hearby ordered to surrender.
Sybok
34315432-A? Isn’t that the “we shall sell no wine before it’s time” law?
Chekov
Did I say 34315432-A? I meant 34312354-T!
Sybok
Public nudity? I think you’d better check your script.

Meanwhile, the shuttle caring Kirk’s landing party arrives...

Spock
I estimate the journey to Paradise City will take us approximately 2.3 hours.
Kirk
It wouldn’t have if you hadn’t have landed the shuttle ten friggin’ kilometers away!
Spock
Captain, there are some horse stables down there. Perhaps if we stole a few of them we could get to the city faster.
Kirk
I have a better idea. What if we stole some horses from that stable down there? Then we could get to the city faster!
Spock
Excellent plan, sir.
Kirk
The question is... How are we going to get their attention?

A few moments later, beautiful singing is heard echoing through the desert night.

Voice
I’m too sexy for my ship... Too sexy for this ship... Stand back so I can shake my hips.
Outlaw #1
Who’s that?
Outlaw #2
Wow, is she naked!?
Outlaw #3
What’s with her hair?
Outlaw #4
Who cares? Let’s run mindlessly in her direction!
All
Yeah!

The Outlaws scurry toward the singing woman and are ambushed by Kirk and company.

Uhura
Hello, boys! I’ve always wanted to play to a captive audience. Now, captain, where are my clothes?
Kirk
Clothes? What clothes?
Uhura
Tell me where they are, you bastard!

With horses in hand, Kirk and company ride into Paradise City. Jethroe has been put on guard duty.

Jethroe
Open the gates! It’s our look-out party! Man! Has the leader gained weight or what!?
Kirk
There’s a bunch of bad-guys after us! Close the gates! [Kirk’s horse dies of exhaustion.]
Jethroe
Hey! Wait a minute! We’re the bad-guys! Who are you? What are you doing here?
Kirk
Phasers on wedgie! Sulu! Ride off that way and get shot!
Sulu
Aye sir!

Fighting ensues and all of the nameless redshirts are killed in the first few minutes.]

Redshirts
We come in peace. Shoot to kill! Shoot to kill! Shoot to kill! We come in peace. Shoot to kill! Shoot to kill, men!

Kirk gets tired and slinks off into a bar.

Kirk
Who’s over there? I’m warning you! Come out or I’ll phaser you!

Dar, Korrd, and Talburt emerge.

Kirk
Thank God! I thought you were the boogyman!
Dar
Hand over your weapon, Kirk!
Korrd
Grrrrrrrrrrr.
Talburt
I assure you, resistance is futile.
Kirk
Wait a second, I’m totally confused now. I thought you guys were the hostages.
Talburt
We are.
Kirk
So, why are you pointing guns at me for?
Dar
We have been seduced by the power of the dark side.
Kirk
What?
Korrd
We have joined Sybok, you fool!
Dar
Do you understand now?
Kirk
Yes... uh... actually... no.

After explaining the gist of what’s happened so far to Kirk, the ex-hostages take him to the main courtyard where McCoy, Spock, Sulu, and Uhura are being held prisoner.

Sybok
Well done, my friends!
Kirk
Why, thank you!
Sybok
Not you! Sit down and shut up! Wait a minute! Spock? Is that you?
Spock
Sybok. It is unfortunate to see you again!
Sybok
Well Spock, it looks like you’ve been given a second chance to join me! What do you say?
Spock
[Looks at Sybok, then Kirk, then Sybok, then Kirk, then back at Sybok.] If I did, then Kirk’d kill me at the end of the movie.
Sybok
Well, now I am going to steal something. Something very big!!!
Kirk
Scotty?
Spock
Uhura?
McCoy
William Shatner’s ego?
Sybok
No! I’m going to steal the Enterprise!
Kirk
You staged all of this to get your hands on my ship?
Sybok
Maybe. Who are you?
Kirk
James T. Kirk, Captain of the Enterprise!
Sybok
Bull! Pavel Chekov is the Captain of the Enterprise!
Kirk
That short little son of a...
McCoy
Excuse me? Could I remind everyone of a minor detail? In about five minutes, the Klingons are going to show up and make us all dead!
Sybok
Egads! Everyone! Get in the shuttle! Come on! Move it! Move it! Move it!

A short time later, on the Enterprise...

Chekov
Position Bird-of-Prey?
Scotty
Closing.
Chekov
What about the shuttle?
Scotty
She’s en route.
Chekov
Excellent! Lock phasers and fire!
Scotty
What?!
Chekov
This is our chance, Scotty! Our chance to finally get rid of him! We can blame it on the Klingons! Come on Scotty, you can’t tell me that once or twice you haven’t thought of “losing” his transporter pattern!
Scotty
I know. But unfortunately, so does the Captain! You see, he thought you might try something like this, so he took your favorite teddy bear to the planet with him.
Chekov
Stalin!?
Scotty
That the one!
Chekov
[fume] Very well, let’s get the shuttle safely on board. Our day is coming soon. Oh yes... sooooooooon.

On board the Bird-of-Prey...]

Klaa
Oh boy! Kirk’s on that itsy-bitsy defenseless shuttle! I can kill him quite easily!
Vixis
But captain, that wouldn’t be very honorable!
Klaa
Crap. You’re right! What if we de-cloaked and played chicken with him?
Vixis
What good would that do?
Klaa
It could give him a heart attack.
Vixis
I suppose that if that happened we could say that he died of fear of us!
Klaa
Right-o! Let’s do it!

On the shuttle...

Talburt
Once we gain control of the ship, we will readjust the seats and reprogram the preset radio stations on your stereo.
Kirk
You bastards! The Klingons are out there. We’ll be lucky to get back ourselves! Korrd! You tell him!
Korrd
huh?
Kirk
You see!? If we’re going to get back safely, we’ll have to execute emergency landing plan B.
Sybok
Mr. Sulu, is that dangerous?
Sulu
I don’t know. I’ve never heard of it.
Sybok
Gee... Let me think. I have to choose between certain death or probable death. Which death would hurt more?
Uhura
I’m no expert, but I’d say that the Klingon way of death would be very painful.
Sybok
Well, in that case, do the landing plan B thing.
Kirk
Right! Engage!

The shuttle shoots toward the Enterprise, but unfortunately, Kirk forgot to tell Chekov about his plan and the shuttle crashes into the still-closed shuttlebay doors.

Kirk
Ouch. That was not smart. Oh geez. What a minute! Sybok’s dropped his gun! If I can get my hand on it, I can save the ship!
Sybok
[Grabbing gun] I don’t think so!
Kirk
Oh dear god! Sybok can read my thoughts!
McCoy
No he can’t, you idiot! You were thinking out loud again!
Kirk
Boy I’d like to kick that smart-asses teeth in.
McCoy
Jim, you’re doing it again.
Sybok
Captain, I demand that you take me to the Bridge.
Kirk
Ok, but first I’d like to say, “I’m sorry.”
Sybok
For what?
Kirk
For this!

Kirk lunges at Sybok, who subsequently beats the shit out of him.

Sybok
There. Maybe that will teach you to mess with Sybok! I... Wait a second, I cannot seem to find my gun.
Spock
I am afraid that I have it.
Sybok
Oh. May I have it back?
Spock
Art thou insane!? Surrender now.
Sybok
No. You must kill me.
Spock
Very well.
Gun
[click click]
Sybok
Ha! You forgot to reload the gun! What a stroke of luck on my part! Well Spock, you’ve really pissed me off this time, so I’m going to have to throw you and your friends in the brig.

Sybok’s men escort Kirk, Spock, and McCoy away. Meanwhile, Korrd shoves Uhura and Sulu out of the shuttle wreckage.

Korrd
These two will be useful!
Sybok
How so?
Korrd
As help!
Sybok
Oh yeah! Sulu, Uhura, look into my eyes! You are getting sleepy...sleepy...sleeeeeepy.
Uhura and Sulu
Yes, master.

Later, in the brig...

Kirk
Spock! Why didn’t you kill Sybok?
Spock
The gun didn’t have any bullets.
Kirk
Come on Spock, what’s the real reason?
Spock
The gun had no bullets.
Kirk
Spock, you’re holding out on us.
Spock
One moment, let me check the script. Hmmmmm... blah, blah, blah, “Kirk, Spock, and McCoy are thrown in the brig...” Blah, blah, blah.... Oh! Here it is! “Sybok is my long lost half-brother” What?! “Long lost half-brother!?” Who writes this tripe?
Kirk
Grrrrrrrrrrr.

Meanwhile on the Bridge...

Chekov
What’s going on? Sulu! Uhura! Who are these people!?
Sulu
These are terrorists who have commandeered the Enterprise and have thrown Captain Kirk in the brig.
Chekov
Threw Captain Kirk in the brig?
Sybok
Yes, and now I must hypnotize you.
Chekov
No need. I’ve been trying to get rid of that bloated no-good scene stealer for years!
Sybok
Indeed?
Chekov
So tell me babe, where are we headed?
Sybok
You’re right, it is time to announce my intentions to the rest of the crew.

In the brig, Kirk tries to escape though the ceiling but an energy bolt electrocutes him.]

Kirk
yyyyyyyyAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Spock
Are you all right Jim?
Kirk
Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Yes...
McCoy
That’s odd. I smell frying bacon.
Spock
As do I.
Sybok
[on intercom] Friends, Romans, Countrymen, since the beginning of time, people everywhere have been searching for the place where it all started. Modern dogma tells us that this place is a myth. Well, to those dogs I say, shut up!!! It is no myth, I tell you!
McCoy
He can’t mean...
Sybok
Our destination is Desilu Studios, which is located in the center of the galaxy!
Spock
Desilu... Where all life in the Star Trek universe started!
Kirk
B-B-B-But the c-center of the g-g-galaxy can’t be r-r-reached.
Sound
[TAP-TAP-TAP]
McCoy
Okay, which one of you guys just farted?
Spock
I do not believe it was a fart you heard, doctor. I believe someone is trying to communicate with us in Morse code.
Sound
[TAP-TAPITY-TAP]
Kirk
That’s an “S”
Spock
“T”
McCoy
“A”
Sound
[TAP-WHAM-TAP]
Kirk
That is an “Y”
Spock
“N,” Captain.
Kirk
Whatever.
McCoy
Oh GREAT!!! You two’ve made me lose my place!
Kirk
What!? Oh no! I’ve lost my place too!
Spock
As have I.
McCoy
Don’t panic! Don’t panic! What have we got so far?
Spock
“STAN”
Kirk
I’ve got it! There is a little man named Stan living in the wall!

The wall explodes revealing Scotty.]

Scotty
What are ye standing around for!? Do you not know a jailbreak when you see one?
Kirk
Scotty! Are you helping Stan too?

Later, Scotty and the ex-jailbirds scurry through the bowels of the Enterprise.

Kirk
Tell me Scotty, how did you escape when everyone else on the ship is being turned into mindless zombies?
Scotty
I was in the shuttlebay havin’ a wee bit o scotch when I saw you crashed through the doors. (hiccup) Then I hid.
Kirk
Sorry I asked. Scotty, where can we send a distress call?
Scotty
(hiccup) Federal Express it.
Kirk
Scotty. Are you drunk?
Scotty
Maybe.
Spock
Captain, I believe that there is an emergency sending apparatus in Ten Forward... er... I mean the officers’ lounge.
Kirk
Dammit, Spock! What good will that do us!? What we need is a radio!
Spock
That is what an emergency sending apparatus is.
Kirk
Exactly! Come on, guys. Scotty... uh... you stay here.

Kirk, Spock, and McCoy leave. Scotty falls down in a drunken stupor.

Kirk
What the hell kind of an elevator is this?
McCoy
It’s not an elevator, Jim, it’s just a shaft. We’re going to have to climb up it.
Kirk
Right-o. Let’s get to it.

Meanwhile, a hypnotized Sulu and several of Sybok’s men race through the bowels of the ship chasing Kirk and company. Sulu rounds a corner and trips over Scotty.

Sulu
Ouch!!! I mean... Get Mr. Scott a cup of black coffee.

Back in the elevator shaft...

Kirk
Wow! Oh man, am I bushed! Let’s rest for a minute.
McCoy
But we’ve only climbed up one deck!
Kirk
Shut up bones. Spock, how much further do... Spock? Bones, where’s Spock?
McCoy
Maybe he fell. Yea! No more Spock!
Spock
I believe the reports of my death are premature, doctor.
McCoy
Ahhh! Spock! You’re flying!
Spock
As a stated before at the beginning of this parody, I am wearing a pair of anti-gravity boots. I believe that we can use them to fly up the shaft.
Kirk
Brilliant plan, Spock.
Spock
I know.

Kirk and McCoy jump into Spock’s arms.]

Kirk
Ooooo, Spock, is that a phaser in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
McCoy
What’s going on? Why are we going down?
Spock
I belive that we are too heavy.
Kirk
Must’ve been all of those marshmallows. And the cake... the three zagnut bars, the roast pig, the...

Sulu, who is still limping, and his garrison arrive.

Sulu
Up there! My God! They’re going to land right on us! Run away! Run away!
Kirk
Spock, fire the booster rockets.
Spock
Jim, my shoes don’t have booster rockets...
Kirk
FIRE THE DAMN ROCKETS!!!

The three shoot up at tremendous speed passing deck after deck. Deck 20... Deck 40... Deck 58... Deck 40 (again)... Deck 60½! Suddenly, they smash into the ceiling.

Spock
Ouch. I belive I have overshot the mark by one level.
McCoy
I can’t feel my legs.
Spock
Interesting... I could’ve sworn that my anti-grav boots did not have booster rockets. What could’ve caused our momentum to increase so rapidly?
Kirk
[stomach grumbling] Must’ve been all those mashmellons... and the beans.

The three arrive at the emergency transmitter.

Kirk
To any ships within the sound of my voice, this is Captain James T. Kirk. Respond please.
Vixis
[on transmitter] This is the Klingon... er... I mean this is your imperious pig Federation. Whaddya want?
Kirk
A crazy Vulcan has taken control of this ship and put us on a direct course with the center of the galaxy.
Vixis
I see. What is your location?
Kirk
Uhhh... Well... We are... uh... in space. Uh... lots of stars outside. Listen, we’re heading toward the center of the galaxy. Can you just meet us there?
Vixis
Sure, why not. We’ll send a raiding party.... uh... I mean, a rescue team right away. Klingons.... I mean... oh shit! Starfleet out.
Transmitter
Thank you for using AT&T.
Kirk
Well, that’s that. Now all we have to do is wait for Starfleet to show up.
Sybok
It’ll be a long wait.
Kirk
What!? Sybok! How did you find us?
Sybok
We found Mr. Sulu gassed and unconscious in an elevator shaft. He told us about the transmitter here and I assumed that this is where you’d be.
Kirk
Well, let me tell you something Sybok... Never assume! Because when you assume you make an “ASS” out of “U” and “ME!”
Sybok
I do not see how that is relevant.
Kirk
Well, neither do I. Why are you enslaving the minds of my crew?
Sybok
I’m not enslaving them, I’ve freeing them. Allow me to demonstrate. I will now take away Dr. McCoy’s pain.
McCoy
Sounds like brainwashing to me... I... hey... What are you...
Dog
Woof...
McCoy
Yeller? Oh God, don’t do this to me!
Dog
Arf. Grrrrr....
Paw
Leonard, you know what you have to do. Ol Yeller’s got rabies. He’s gotta be shot.
McCoy
[to Sybok] All my medical knowledge and I can’t save him. [to Paw] Yeller’s my dog, Paw. Let me do it.
Paw
Today you are a man.

McCoy raises a shotgun to Ol Yeller and fires. Blood splatters all over the doctor.

Sybok
That wasn’t the worst of it, was it?
McCoy
NO!
Sybok
Share it, my brother!
McCoy
Not long after that, we found out he wasn’t rabid! He was just in a bad mood! (boo hoo hoo!)
Sybok
[hugging McCoy] Praise tha Lord! You are saved! This house is clear.
Kirk
Big deal. I need another example. Do your voodoo on Spock.
Sybok
Right-o!

All of the sudden, the officer’s lounge turns into a “Leave it to Beaver-ish” home with Sarek and Amanda playing with the infant Spock. Amanda gets up to leave and Sarek starts dropping Spock on his head over and over and over and over again. The Elder Spock begins whimpering and rubbing his head.

Kirk
Quit blubbering, you idiot! [backhands Spock]
Sybok
Let me take away your pain, Captain.
Kirk
I need my pain!
Sybok
Why?
Kirk
Because I... Uhhhh... Well, it’s a matter of... errrr...
Uhura
[on intercomm] Sybok, we are approaching the Great Big Barrier.
Sybok
What’s that?
Kirk
It’s Uhura. The chick with the metallic hair.
Sybok
No, the Great Big Barrier. What is it?
Spock
It is a force sheild that no one in recorded history has ever crossed that surrounds the center of the galaxy.
Sybok
Oh. Well, there’s a first time for everything! Come on Spock, come on, McCoy.

Spock and McCoy start to leave with Sybok until Kirk clears his throat. The two then stop, roll their eyes, and rejoin the captain.

Kirk
You know well never get across the Great Big Barrier!
Sybok
Yes we will! God told me we will! He’s waiting for us on the other side.
Kirk
Really? Is Elvis there too?
Sybok
[leaving] We shall see.
Kirk
[to Spock] Coo-coo! Coo-coo!

Later, on the Bridge...

Chekov
I don’t wanna meet God anymore! I wanna go home!
Sulu
They say no ship has ever returned from the Great Big Barrier.
Sybok
Really? Just who are “they” Mr. Sulu?
Sulu
Uhh... errr.
Sybok
I thought so. Take us in.

The Enterprise speeds into the Great Big Barrier.

Kirk
My god! It’s full of stars!

Suddenly, a funny-looking planet appears on the viewscreen.

Sybok
There it is! The planet of Shaka-Khan!
Uhura
Wow.
Kirk
Very impressive.
Sybok
Yah! Kirk! What are you doing on the Bridge!?
Kirk
You forgot to leave some guards with us, so we decided to come up here to see what’s up.
Sybok
I see. Well, as long as you’re here, you can take command of the Enterprise.
Kirk
Thank you! Mr. Chekov, escort Sybok to the brig.
Sybok
Wait! Aren’t you curious as to what’s on the planet? I can take you there!
Kirk
Spock, what do you think?
Spock
If we took him along, it would be incredibly stupid.
Kirk
Agreed. Come on, Sybok.

Later, on the planet...

Kirk
A shame the transporters are still broken. Scotty could’ve beamed us directly to God.
McCoy
Oh man. I wish I’d have known that I would be meeting God today. I would’ve worn a tie.

The four round a corner and come up on a old building.

Sybok
Desilu Studios!
Spock
He was right! It is here!

The ground shakes and “God” appears.

“God”
Greetings Y’all.
Kirk
Is this the voice of God?
“God”
Well, it certainly ain’t Moses! Say, tell the almighty how you guys found me?
Sybok
We flew in on a starship.
“God”
Really!? Could this starship take me out of here? Granted, I am God and I could get out of here anytime I wanted, but there’s just something about hitchhiking that interests me.
Sybok
It could, yes!
Kirk
Excuse me.
“God”
Shaddup! [hits Kirk with energy bolt] Bring the starship closer.
Kirk
[recovering] What does God need with a...
“God”
[Zapps Kirk again]
Sybok
Wait just a darn minute! God wouldn’t do this! What have I done!? Spock! You and the others run away while I wrestle with this guy.
Kirk
[to communicator] Sulu, I want you to fire a photon torpedo at our coordinates!
Sulu
But sir, Chekov did that about a minute ago! I couldn’t stop him! It should be reaching your position right about...

KA-BLAM! Kirk, Spock, and McCoy are thrown clear of the explosion... (un)fortunately, Sybok is dead.

Kirk
Well, that’s all we can do here. Who’s hungry?
Noise
Grrrrrrrrr.
McCoy
What was that!?
Kirk
My Stomach.
Noise
Grrrraaaaaarrrrrrr!
McCoy
Then what was that!?
Kirk
Run.
McCoy
What?
Kirk
Run!
McCoy
Oh, run!

Kirk and the others run back to the shuttle with “God” in hot pursuit.]

Spock
Someone has siphoned our gas!
Kirk
[to communicator] Scotty, please tell me that the transporters are working.
Scotty
Aye, I found out that the damn thing wasn’t plugged in!
Kirk
Beam us up!

Spock and McCoy beam away.

Kirk
Hey! That’s not funny!
Scotty
All right! Joke’s over. I’ll beam you up now!

Suddenly, Enterprise is attacked by the now-forgotten Klingons and the transporter conveniently breaks again.

Kirk
Scotty? Scotty?
Operator
We’re sorry, but your call can not be completed as dialed.
Kirk
Blast!

Kirk runs away and climbs a mountain (apparently, because it was there) “God” catches up with him and prepares to make the kill! Suddenly, a chunk of blue ice from the Enterprise falls out of the sky and kills the false god. Kirk starts dancing a jig and is beamed up to the Enterprise.]

Kirk
Ah, it’s great to be back! What’s all the commotion about?
Spock
We’re being attacked by the Klingons and only your superior skills as captain can save us!
Kirk
Ho-hum. Mr. Chekov, blow them up.
Chekov
Aye sir!

The Bird-of-Prey goes boom.]


Later, Kirk holds a beer bust in the officers’ lounge.]

Kirk
What are you two talking about?
McCoy
We were... speculating. How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?
Kirk
742. I checked.
McCoy
...also we were speculating. Is God really out there?
Kirk
Maybe he’s not out there, Bones. Maybe he’s in here. [he pats his chest]
McCoy
You ate God?
Kirk
I’m pointing to my heart, Bones. Maybe God is in the human heart.
Spock
What about the Vulcan heart?
Kirk
No Spock... all Vulcans are going to hell.
Spock
[sigh]
Kirk
Something wrong Spock? Has the death of your brother depressed you?
Spock
No, not really. I was just wondering. What is the point?
Kirk
...of life?
Spock
...of this adventure!? I mean, we travel billions of miles across the cosmos looking for God and what do we find!? An alien that isn’t nice! What was the point!?
Kirk
It was brilliantly directed.
Spock
Oh wake up! ...wake up! ...wake up! ...wake up! ...wake up!

The scene ripples and dissolves to Kirk asleep in his sleeping bag in Yosemite Sam National Park.]

Spock
...wake up! ...wake up! Jim? Jim, wake up!
Kirk
Wha...!? [snort] Spock? What happened to the planet of Shakka-Khan?
Spock
Shakka-Khan, captain? I know of no such place.
Kirk
It was all a dream!
Spock
What was?
Kirk
There was this guy... this... Vulcan who laughed a lot. He lured us to a planet and took over the minds of the crew. And... and we met God! Only, it wasn’t God... it was a bad alien! And the guy who took over the ship was your long-lost half brother!
Spock
Long lost half brother? That’s stupid.
Kirk
I thought it was a neat idea.
Spock
Was I in your dream?
Kirk
Yes... You were dropped on your head.
Spock
Go back to sleep, Jim.
Kirk
...and there was this... dog. His name was Ol Yeller...

The End

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.