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Bill Gates vs. The Borg

Written by Unknown

Picard
Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?
Geordi
Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late twentieth-century computing technology. (Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)
Riker
(puzzled) What the hell is a “Microsoft”?
Data
Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called “Windows,” through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.
Picard
But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won’t they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?
Data
Yes, Captain. But when “Windows” detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an “upgrade.” The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.
Picard
Excellent work. This is even better than that “unsolvable geometric shape” idea.

15 Minutes Later...

Data
Captain, We have successfully installed the “Windows” in the command unit, and as expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected “upgrade.”
Geordi
Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an “upgrade” to compensate for their increase.
Picard
Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we missed.
Data
Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the “upgrade.” Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
Riker
Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F...
Geordi
(excited) Wait, Captain! I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!
Picard
Data, what do your scanners show?
Data
Apparently the Borg have found the internal “Windows” module named “Solitaire.” It has used up all the CPU capacity.
Picard
Let’s wait and see how long this “Solitaire” can reduce their functionality.

Two Hours Pass...

Riker
Geordi, what’s the status on the Borg?
Geordi
As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources, I have set up our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more “Windows” modules from something called the “Microsoft Fun-Pack.”
Picard
How much time will that buy us?
Data
Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of six more hours.
Geordi
Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.
Picard
Identify.
Data
It appears to have markings very similar to the “Microsoft” logo.

“THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY.”

Data
The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects.
Picard
Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!
Riker
Good God, Captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive deep space?!
Data
I don’t believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe-skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits.
Picard and Riker
(horrified) Lawyers!!!
Geordi
It can’t be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.
Data
True, but apparently some must have survived.
Riker
They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with pieces of paper.
Data
I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as “red tape” — it often proves fatal.
Riker
They’re tearing the Borg to pieces!
Picard
Turn off the monitors. I can’t stand to watch. Not even the Borg deserve that.

2 hours later, in the briefing room...

Picard
Where did we go wrong to cause such a hideous catastrophe?
Data
Sir, our archives on late twentieth-century computing technology indicate there was once a challenger to “Windows” on Earth, code-named “Borg.” Later known as “OS/2 for Windows.”
Riker
God, you mean this Admiral Gates thought the Borg were his ancient competitors?
Picard
It would appear so. But whatever happened to this “OS/2”?
Riker
I believe I can help here, Captain. “OS/2” had many of the features of our 24th century computers, but this Admiral Gates successfully gained unusual power from the government through something called a “consent decree.” With it, and a brainwashing technique called “marketing,” he destroyed OS/2 and another competitor called “Macintosh.”
Picard
He did this without weapons?
Data
Not quite, Captain. He had an early precursor to our phasers, something called “vaporware.” There is no known defense against this weapon.
Riker
Captain, if you’ll excuse me... I’m feeling ill.
Picard
Yes, Will, I think we’re all feeling ill. But this incident must serve to warn us and the entire Federation how dangerous it is to awaken this Admiral Gates and his monster “Windows.” Geordi, prepare an emergency report to Starfleet Command. Briefing adjourned.

This page was last modified on Wednesday, January 26, 2011.