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The Naked Later

Written by Steve Sutton

Author’s Note: This story takes place immediately after the episode entitled “Scientific Method.”

This parody is rated: AH: Absolutely Hysterical!!!

Guest Stars:

FADE IN

Tuvok is in his quarters, sleeping. He sees bizarre images in his mind, images which call to his primal, Vulcan side. He dreams of B’Elanna Torres, hungrily eating mushrooms in an expensive dining-room setting located in the middle of an isolated beach. He sees himself walking over to her and angrily grabbing a handful of mushrooms for himself off her plate. At that moment, they both watch as the fictional Earth character Pippi Longstocking dances around them, then turns into a pillar of salt. Torres slowly looks at him, growls, then attacks him and knocks him to the ground. Her arms turn into axes, which she flings around wildly, then attacks him with. Tuvok wakes up suddenly, bolting up in a cold sweat with an overwhelming sense of panic.

FADE OUT, TITLE SEQUENCE ROLLS, COMMERCIAL BREAK, FADE IN

On the Bridge, Tuvok is scanning for wormholes when his console beeps, indicating the possible detection of one. He turns to report it to the captain.

Tuvok
Captain, you are sexually inadequate.
Janeway
I beg your pardon, Mister Tuvok.
Tuvok
My apologies, Captain. I do not know why I said that.
Janeway
Explain.
Tuvok
I was attempting to scan subspace for indications of possible wormholes when I suddenly heard myself saying those words.
Janeway
Explain.
Tuvok
In my attempt to alert you to the presence of a possible wormhole four-point-three light years from our present location, I suddenly had the urge to inform you of your sexual inadequacy.
Paris
Tuvok, you been chugging Romulan ale, again?
Tuvok
My apologies, again, Captain. And, no, Mister Paris; I do not chug Romulan ale.
Janeway
Tuvok, report to Sickbay. See if the Doctor can find a cause for your sudden bluntness. Mister Paris, set a course for the wormhole.
Paris
Yes, ma’am.
Tuvok
Need I remind the captain that my scans merely indicated the possibility of a wormhole. There, in fact, may be nothing there at all.
Janeway
Tuvok?
Tuvok
Yes, Captain?
Janeway
Loosen up.
Tuvok
Yes, Captain.
Janeway
Ensign Duncel, go with him.
Duncel
I just wanna kill somebody, ma’am.
Chakotay
This isn’t TOS, Ensign. Follow the captain’s orders.
Duncel
Yes, sir.

Tuvok and Duncel exit the Bridge.

Janeway
Mister Kim, begin scanning for any anomalies which might account for Tuvok’s peculiar behavior. If there’s something out there, I want to know about it.
Kim
Captain, I’m detecting several billion stars all around us.
Janeway
Harry...
Kim
But you said...
Janeway
Anomalies, Harry.
Kim
Aye, Captain.

Neelix enters the Bridge, carrying a tray of something green and orange.

Neelix
Hello, everybody. I just thought I’d pop in with some delicious frazzle-egg muffins, topped with scrumptious slices of fresh ebron tongue, which I picked up at our last stop.
Janeway
Not now, Neelix.
Kim
Captain, I’m detecting an anomaly directly behind us.
Janeway
On screen.

The viewscreen changes to show stars warping away from them. Other than that, nothing unusual is displayed.

Chakotay
I don’t see anything.
Kim
It’s there, sir, directly behind us.
Janeway
Magnify.

The image magnifies, but remains the same.

Chakotay
Ensign, what are you detecting? I still can’t see anything.
Kim
It’s our warp signature, sir.
Janeway
(annoyed) Resume normal view. Ensign, are you feeling all right?
Neelix
Maybe, the lad just needs the protein in one of these delicious...
Kim
Now that you mention it, I do feel odd, Captain. Request permission to return to my quarters.
Janeway
I’ve never needed permission before.

The Bridge grows strangely quiet, as all eyes fall upon Janeway and Kim. Chakotay gently places his hand on Janeway’s shoulder.

Chakotay
(softly) Kathryn?
Kim
(nervously) No, ma’am. I mean that I would like permission to return to my quarters.
Janeway
Denied. Something unusual is going on here, and I need everyone right where they are until we can determine what it is. Mister Paris, how long before we reach the wormhole?
Paris
Coming up on the coordinates now, Captain.
Janeway
Slow to impulse.

As the ship slows, a spherical, dark area appears on the viewscreen, surrounded by a circle of galactic matter, spiraling into it. The ship begins to shake violently.

Janeway
Report!
Paris
Inertial dampeners offline! Structural integrity failing!
Computer
Warning: Structural failure in forty-five seconds.
Neelix
Well, I’ll be leaving now.

Neelix exits the Bridge.

Kim
Permission to throw up, Captain?
Janeway
Not on my Bridge, you don’t! Full reverse, Mister Paris! Get us the hell out of here!
Paris
Why am I always the only one driving this thing?
Computer
Warning: Structural failure in thirty seconds.
Paris
(very nervously) This isn’t working!
Janeway
Bridge to Engineering!
Torres
(in Engineering) We’re a little busy, right now, Captain!
Janeway
Can we use the warp engines in reverse to pull away from the black hole?

Seven of Nine enters the Bridge.

Torres
How the hell should I know?
Computer
Warning: Structural failure in fifteen seconds.
Seven
(boobs flying everywhere) This is most unfortunate.
Janeway
Good enough. Mister Paris, reverse warp engines and engage at warp-one!
Paris
Aye, warp one! I just hope we don’t rip ourselves apart doing this.
Janeway
No choice, Tom! Red alert!

As the warp nacelles fire, the ship slowly begins to pull away.

Computer
Warning: Structural failure in five...four...three...two...

The ship stops shaking, and systems which had shut down come back up.

Computer
Structural failure averted. All systems regenerating.
Kim
(turning purple) Permission to throw up, Captain?
Janeway
(heavily relieved) Granted.

Kim spends the next five minutes vomiting behind his console.

Janeway
Status?
Paris
Inertial dampeners online, moving away from the void at a speed all of one hundred twenty KPH.
Torres
Engineering to Bridge.
Janeway
Give me some good news, B’Elanna.
Torres
You’ve got to cut the engines, Captain! They’re burning up! We’re moments from a warp core breach!
Kim
(between hurls) What else is new?
Janeway
Cut the engines? If we cut the engines, we’ll be pulled right into that thing!
Seven
Captain, the Borg have been in situations similar to this. On a few occasions, it was possible to maneuver the Borg ship into a stable orbit around the phenomenon.
Torres
I think we can do it, Captain, but we’ll have to be out of the gravity well before we can try it. If we’re going to do this, it has to be now.
Janeway
Mister Paris?
Paris
Well, I’m good, but I’ve never done anything like that before.
Computer
Warning: Two minutes until warp core breach.
Seven
I think it would be best if I attempted the maneuver, Captain, since I am the one with the knowledge of how...
Janeway
Fine, just do it.

Paris gets up from the Helm and Seven of Nine takes his place.

Seven
I would advise bracing yourself. This... What is that odor?
Kim
(groaning miserably) Oh, god.
Computer
Warning: Ninety seconds until warp core breach.
Janeway
We’ll worry about that later. Get us out of the gravity well, Seven.
Seven
Yes, Captain. Reversing engines for forward thrust, adjusting trajectory for wide-angled slingshot.
Paris
No, wait!
Seven
What?
Paris
Sorry, I just panicked when I heard the word “slingshot”.
Chakotay
That’s understandable, although I’m not sure why.
Janeway
Continue with the maneuver, Seven.
Computer
Warning: Sixty seconds until warp core breach.
Seven
(giving Paris a disapproving look) Continuing, Captain.

Voyager’s engines reverse, sending it hurdling towards the void. After circling it a few times, speed increasing on each orbit, it is thrown clear of it and out of the gravity well.

Computer
Warp core breach averted. Antimatter containment field returning to full strength.

Duncel enters the Bridge and walks over to Seven of Nine.

Chakotay
That should’ve torn us apart.
Seven
It was necessary to modify the shields in order to keep the extreme acceleration from doing so, Commander. Using the Borg devices still present throughout the ship, this was a simple matter. We are now in a stable orbit around the void.

Seven of Nine stands up and gestures to Paris.

Seven
I believe you can handle things from here, Lieutenant.
Paris
(sitting down) I’ll do my best.
Janeway
Good work. Bridge to Tuvok.

There is no response. Seven of Nine and Duncel walk over to the turbolift doors and talk for awhile.

Janeway
Bridge to Tuvok, respond.

All is quiet.

Chakotay
Chakotay to Sickbay, is Lieutenant Tuvok there?
Doctor
Either that, or I’m hallucinating. Mister Tuvok is currently unable to respond for himself, being that he is unconscious.
Janeway
This is Janeway, Doctor. Were you able to find a cause for his unusual behavior?
Doctor
(in Sickbay, examining a scalpel over Tuvok’s head) Regretfully, no. I tried several tests, all of which were inconclusive. I am, therefore, preparing to dissect his brain.
Janeway
(on the Bridge) Very well, Doctor. Keep me apprised. Bridge out.
Paris
Dissect his brain?
Janeway
I wouldn’t worry about it. The Doctor seems to be developing quite a unique sense of humor. I find it curiously refreshing.
Seven
(holding her nose) Captain, if you wouldn’t mind.
Janeway
How are you doing, Mister Kim?
Kim
Fine, Captain Jane. The High Advisor is materializing on the platform.

Everyone looks at Kim, confused.

Kim
(also confused) I’m fine, Captain. What the hell did I just say?
Janeway
I don’t know, but, whatever it is, it seems to be spreading. Harry, I want you and Tom to clean up your mess before it stinks up the entire ship, then I want a staff meeting in thirty minutes.
Kim
Yes, Captain.

Fifteen minutes later, Tuvok is lying comatose, but semiconscious, on the operating table, unable to move his open eyes and redirect his sight away from that of the holographic physician directly over him, cutting away at his head and humming a nice little tune.

Tuvok
(thinking to himself) ...Pain is a thing of the mind, the mind can be controlled. Pain is a thing of the mind, the mind can be controlled. Pain is a thing of the mind, the mind can be controlled...

Twenty-five minutes later, in the briefing room, everyone is deep in conversation.

Doctor
My examination of Lieutenant Tuvok has turned up nothing. I can find nothing physiologically wrong with him that would explain his aberrant behavior.
Paris
Actually, besides making a couple of harmless comments, he hasn’t really been acting any different than he usually does.
Kim
Do you know what I don’t understand?
Janeway
Very likely.
Kim
(not getting it) Why is Tuvok the one in Sickbay when I’m the one who’s actually been sick?
Janeway
It’s like this, Harry. If I let everyone who got sick on the Bridge run off to Sickbay, there wouldn’t be anyone left on the Bridge if we were attacked, and Voyager would probably be taken over by the attackers, who would kill the entire crew. That’s the worst-case scenario, of course.
Kim
I see, like Tuvok’s holo-novel.
Janeway
Not quite, Harry, but you’re getting the idea.
Doctor
May I point out that, since young Ensign Kim here has also shown signs of the lieutenant’s affliction, the possibility that we’re dealing with an airborne virus exists.
Kim
You know, I really would prefer not being called “young Ensign Kim”.
Doctor
And why is that? You are young, are you not?
Kim
Yes, but...
Doctor
Your last name is Kim and you are an ensign.
Kim
I know, but...
Doctor
Oh, I get it. This has to do with hurting the big man’s feelings. Very well, from now on, I shall refer to you as “old and decrepit Ensign Kim”.
Kim
It’s not that.
Doctor
Well, what is it, then?
Kim
(pausing a moment) I don’t remember.
Janeway
Doctor, getting back to the virus, do we have anything in Sickbay that we can use to inoculate ourselves against it?
Doctor
Captain, I haven’t even confirmed that it is a virus. A viral infection is simply one of several possibilities. It could just as easily be the result of stress, fatigue or Neelix’s cooking, a sample, of which, he tried to force-feed me earlier.
Paris
Let me guess.
Doctor
There is nothing more disgusting than having muffins made out of the tongues and unborn hatchlings of strange animals shoved in your face, particularly when you are about to perform surgery.
Janeway
(smirking) I’ll talk to him about it, Doctor.
Torres
Maybe...
Janeway
(startled) Oh, B’Elanna! I thought you were in Engineering.
Torres
(cautiously) I came up here for the meeting, Captain.
Janeway
Very well, proceed.
Torres
As I was saying, maybe it has something to do with the black hole.
Janeway
That would be a fair assessment, except for the fact that Tuvok showed signs of the affliction before we even knew about it.
Doctor
Black hole? What black hole?
Torres
(pointing out the window) That one.
Doctor
(turning to face the window) So, that’s what all the shaking was about. Captain, if we were in the vicinity of a black hole, I should’ve been informed.
Janeway
Noted for future reference, Doctor. B’Elanna, how long before repairs in Engineering are complete?
Torres
At least, another forty-eight hours, Captain. We lost several systems when we hit the black hole. It’s going to take that long to get them up and running again.
Chakotay
(over communicator) Chakotay to Janeway.
Janeway
Go ahead, Commander.
Chakotay
Sensors are picking up another ship, Captain. Its configuration doesn’t match anything in our records.
Janeway
(getting up) I’m on my way.

Janeway, Paris, and Kim enter the Bridge and head for their stations, while the Doctor returns to Sickbay and Torres returns to Engineering.

Janeway
(sitting down) Status of the alien ship.
Kim
Their weapons are unarmed and their shields are down. They’re hailing us, audio only.
Janeway
On speakers.
Archived Captain’s Hail
(garbled) This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the starship Voyager to the vessel near the quantum singularity. Do you need help?
Janeway
(confused) Mister Kim?
Kim
Sorry, wrong button.
Janeway
Try again. I know you’re not accustomed to working at Tuvok’s station, Ensign, but staying in this season would be preferable.
Kim
Yes, ma’am.
Lorgon
(on speakers) I am Ambassador Lorgon, of the K’zonn ship B’tocks.
Janeway
I see. And, what exactly is a Kazon ship doing this far away from Kazon space, Ambassador, if I may ask?
Lorgon
No, not Kazon. We are the K’zonn. We request visual communication from your ship.
Janeway
(motioning frantically to Kim. Lorgon’s image soon appears on the viewscreen) My apologies, Ambassador. I am Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation starship Voyager.
Lorgon
No need to apologize, Captain. We get it all the time from travelers, such as yourselves, who have had the unfortunate experience of encountering the Kazon.
Janeway
Nevertheless, my apology stands.
Lorgon
Very well, then. It stands accepted.
Janeway
How can we be of assistance?
Lorgon
Actually, Captain, we were hoping to assist you. We have heard of your ship and your quest to return to your quadrant of the galaxy, and we happen to have the technology which would make the trip possible within a matter of days.

Everyone on the Bridge looks at each other, with growing excitement.

Janeway
(smiling) I think I speak for the entire crew when I say...

Eerie music suddenly starts playing. Janeway’s face goes blank.

Janeway
(spellbound) ...I am not interested in your technology.
Paris
(alarmed) Captain?
Lorgon
Of course, we do not expect anything in return. We make this...
Janeway
(spellbound) We’re not the droids you’re looking for.
Chakotay
(softly to Janeway) Captain, perhaps...
Lorgon
Captain, it was our understanding that...
Janeway
(spellbound) You can go about your business.
Lorgon
But...
Janeway
(spellbound) Move along.

There’s a brief pause as the eerie music reaches its climax, then stops.

Lorgon
Very well, Captain, if that is your wish.
Chakotay
Ambassador, one moment, please?
Lorgon
Surely.

Chakotay jumps up, yanks Janeway out of her seat and slaps her.

Chakotay
(angrily) What the hell are you doing, woman!? Do you want to throw away our only chance to get home!?
Paris
(jumping up from his seat) Commander!
Chakotay
(calmer, with remorse) Kathryn, I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.
Janeway
(shaken) The Doctor’s virus seems to becoming more pronounced. It wasn’t your fault, Chakotay. Just don’t let it happen again.

Janeway smirks.

Chakotay
Thank you, Captain.

Janeway motions to Kim.

Kim
Captain?
Janeway
Open the channel to the K’zonn ship.
Kim
I was never told to close it.
Janeway
What?
Lorgon
Clearly, there has been some sort of misunderstanding, Captain. Unfortunately, our planetary policy doesn’t permit us to aid those with hostile tendencies, who might corrupt our peaceful social structure with their wild and wooly ways. We will now take our leave of you. Our deepest apologies and best wishes go with you. Farewell, Captain.
Janeway
No, wait!

Lorgon vanishes from the viewscreen and the B’tocks vanishes from sight. Everyone is silent for a moment as disappointment fills the air.

Janeway
(teary-eyed, hitting communicator) Janeway to the Doctor.
Doctor
Yes, Captain?
Janeway
Tell me you’ve found this virus of yours.
Doctor
There is no virus, Captain, none that I can detect, anyway. I’ve run every test known to medical science and, aside from the normal germ count associated with biological beings, such as yourselves, I’ve failed to detect any other unaccounted-for microbiological life forms. I have, however, found evidence of neurochemical imbalance, possibly caused by our recent fly-through of the binary star system which we somehow managed to survive.
Janeway
(sniffing) Keep me informed on your progress, Doctor.
Doctor
Yes, Captain.
Janeway
What is Mister Tuvok’s condition?
Doctor
That is something I’d like to discuss with you privately, Captain.
Janeway
Very well, Janeway out.
Rick Berman
Okay, cut, everybody. The part where Lorgon leaves just doesn’t work, so we’re typing up some script revisions. Everybody take ten.

Kate Mulgrew lights a cigarette and sits down next to Roxann Dawson.

Kate Mulgrew
You know, Roxxie, when I got up at three AM this morning to get ready for work, I had the feeling it was gonna be another one of those days.
Roxann Dawson
Yeah, I know. I don’t have many scenes this time, but I still have to be here, in case they change something and they need me.
Kate Mulgrew
And this script they have us working with. I’ve read better stuff on the back of cereal boxes. All I know is that it feels good to get off my feet. I’ve been going nonstop for six hours.
Roxann Dawson
Tell me about it. I’m going to get a doughnut. You want one?

Roxann stands up.

Kate Mulgrew
Yeah, bring me two.
Roxann Dawson
(walking off) Be right back.

Ten minutes later, the new script revisions arrive.

Rick Berman
(passing out the revisions) Okay, gather around, everyone. I want you to take a few minutes and read over these, then we’ll start shooting, again.
Garrett Wang
(flipping through the pages) Oh, great.
Tim Russ
(looking over Garrett’s shoulder at the script) I hope they plan on using a stunt double for that.
Jeri Ryan
One question: why do I have so much breast movement?
Rick Berman
Simple. Horny teenagers. Gotta keep the ratings up.

Jeri punches Rick in the gut, making him double over.

Jeri Ryan
(angrily) If that’s what you hired me for, then I’m outta here. I don’t need this crap! Dark Skies never used me as a sex toy!
Garrett Wang
Wasn’t that canceled?

Jeri gives Garrett a look that would freeze Hell.

Garrett Wang
I was just asking.
Kate Mulgrew
(puffing heavily on her third cigarette) Rick, I’m not gonna do this part here, where we’re trapped in the turbolift, and it says I rip off all my clothes and pin Gary against the wall.
Rick Berman
(finally managing to stand erect, again) Okay, we obviously have major problems with the rewrites. We’ll just have to work around them as we go. Places, everyone.

Giant overhead fans come on to draw all of the cigarette smoke out of the studio. Kate takes one final puff, then deposits her cigarette on the floor and steps on it.

Rick Berman
All right, here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to go all the way back and start at the point right after Lorgon mentions the technology, when Kate says she speaks for the entire crew. That’s when things started getting off-track.

Rick walks off the stage and takes his seat.

Rick Berman
Okay, Kate? In three...

Rick lifts his hand in the air and finishes counting down with his fingers.

Janeway
(smiling) Ambassador, I’m sure I speak for the entire crew when I say that we would be extremely grateful for any assistance you can give us.
Lorgon
Excellent! In celebration of our newfound friendship, Captain, we would be honored if you, and your crew, joined us for prime meal this evening. I think you’ll find that we set a festive table.
Janeway
Please understand that, under ordinary circumstances, we would gladly accept your kind invitation. Unfortunately, we currently have an epidemic, of sorts, on our hands. We believe the cause could be viral in nature, and I wouldn’t want to risk infecting your crew.
Lorgon
How considerate of you, Captain. Let me assure you, we have a natural immunity to most diseases, and I believe the risk of contraction is negligible.
Janeway
Even so, I would feel better if we waited until our Doctor has determined the cause, first. If we’re both still here at that time, I’ll gladly join you for dinner, along with several members of my senior staff.
Lorgon
As you wish. I’ll contact you momentarily.
Janeway
Thank you, Ambassador.
Lorgon
I’ll be back.

Lorgon vanishes from the viewscreen.

Janeway
(to Chakotay) What do you think?
Chakotay
Chocolate bunnies.
Janeway
Explain.
Chakotay
No explanation, Captain. I just happened to be thinking about chocolate bunnies when you asked.
Janeway
I see.
Chakotay
Actually, the ambassador seems a little too anxious to meet. Of course, it could just be the way they greet strangers.
Janeway
Do you suspect a hidden agenda?
Chakotay
I don’t know. In the Maquis, we sometimes did the same thing in order to secure food, weapons, whatever we needed, then double-cross the suppliers by taking more than they were offering.
Janeway
(smirking) Shame on you, Chakotay. Bridge to Sickbay.
Doctor
(stuffing gooey brains back into Tuvok’s head) Go ahead, Captain.
Janeway
Have you been able to isolate the virus, yet, Doctor?
Doctor
There is no virus, Captain, none that I can detect, anyway. I’ve done a thorough examination of Lieutenant Tuvok, as well as completed a bio-scan of the entire ship, but have been unable to detect any foreign microbiological organisms. I did, however, detect evidence of neurochemical imbalance within the lieutenant. I suspect this can be directly linked to our recent encounter with the binary star system.
Kim
Captain, we’re being hailed.
Janeway
Acknowledged, Ensign. Explain, Doctor.
Doctor
Prolonged exposure to sudden gravimetric shifts has been known to cause symptoms similar to those currently being displayed by the crew, but more characteristic of alcohol intoxication. Since no one has actually done anything rash, like blow an airlock or take a shower fully-clothed, I can only assume that our fly-through of the binary star only affected the area of the brain responsible for reasoning, and did not, so to speak, turn everyone into drunken dimwits, who laugh at paintbrushes. It is possible, however, that the more pronounced symptoms will develop over time.
Janeway
Are you anywhere near finding a cure?
Doctor
There is a cure on-record, but, as to whether it will be effective in our case, I don’t know.
Janeway
Understood. What is Mister Tuvok’s condition?
Doctor
(nervously) Resting, Captain. I recommend that he not be disturbed for, at least, the next twelve hours. He’s been through quite a lot.
Kim
Captain, the K’zonn.
Janeway
Keep me informed, Doctor. On-screen, Mister Kim.
Kim
Aye, Captain.
Archived Captain’s Hail
(garbled) This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the starship Voyager to the vessel near—
Kim
(louder, tensing up) Yes, ma’am, on-screen.

Lorgon appears on the viewscreen.

Janeway
(smirking at Kim) Sorry for the delay, Ambassador.
Lorgon
Quite all right, Captain. One of our technicians is standing by with the device. When would be a good time to send him over?
Janeway
(glancing at Chakotay) Ambassador, I thought we agreed to wait until our doctor has determined it safe before mixing crews.
Lorgon
Of course, Captain, as you wish. The device is ready, in any event. We’re ready to let you have it.

An evil smile appears on Lorgon’s face.

Janeway
If you’ll be kind enough to transmit the coordinates, we’ll beam it aboard our ship.
Lorgon
Yes, we have heard of your ability to convert matter into energy. It will be very interesting to watch.

Lorgon motions to someone off-screen.

Kim
Receiving the coordinates, Captain.
Lorgon
Now, if you will excuse me, Captain, I have matters which require my immediate attention. I’m looking forward to seeing your ship.
Janeway
We’ll let you know when you can come aboard, Ambassador.
Lorgon
(grinning) I would imagine it will be sooner than you think.

Lorgon vanishes from the viewscreen.

Paris
Determined, isn’t he?
Janeway
(wiping her face with her hand) Yes.
Chakotay
Captain, are you all right?
Janeway
Just a little tired, Chakotay.
Paris
Captain, you don’t look that well.
Chakotay
Maybe you should lie down for a while, Captain.
Janeway
(leaning back in her seat) I’ll do you one better and see the Doctor as soon as we’re finished here. I suddenly feel dizzy.
Chakotay
Why don’t you go now, Captain? We can handle it from here.
Janeway
(standing up with the help of Chakotay) If you insist. You have the Bridge.
Chakotay
Ensign Kim, escort the Captain to Sickbay.
Kim
Yes, Commander.

Janeway and Kim exit the Bridge.

Chakotay
Bridge to B’Elanna Torres.
Torres
Torres here.
Chakotay
Are you ready to beam the K’zonn device aboard?
Torres
(in the cargo bay, at the cargo transporter): "All set.
Chakotay
Do it.

Torres energizes the transporter and a metal-cased cylinder with a digital counter appears on the transporter pad. The counter is activated and starts counting down from twenty seconds.

Torres
Chakotay, have you ever had one of those days?
Chakotay
What do you mean?
Torres
This thing looks more like a bomb than anything that’s going to get us home.
Chakotay
A bomb?
Torres
Yeah, and it’s ticking. I’m beaming it into space.
Chakotay
Good idea, I’ll advise the Captain.

Torres tries to beam it away, but is unsuccessful.

Torres
Bridge, something’s wrong. It’s put up some kind of scattering field, I can’t get a lock on it!
Chakotay
How long before it explodes?
Torres
(looking at the bomb) Eight seconds.
Chakotay
It’s going to be close... very, very close. Stand by, Enterprise.
Torres
Commander?
Chakotay
(shaking it off) Tom, put up a level-ten containment field around the cargo bay. B’Elanna, get out of there!
Paris
(guessing) Containment field, right.

Torres runs out of the cargo bay just as the containment field comes on. The counter on the bomb hits zero and the explosion destroys the cargo bay, blasts through the containment field and blows part of the ship’s hull into space. The entire ship shakes violently. In the turbolift, power goes out and motion stops.

Janeway
What was that?
Kim
(looking around) I don’t know.
Paris
(on the Bridge) Wow, I didn’t know I could do that from the Helm.

The B’tocks immediately powers up its weapons and starts firing heavily on Voyager.

Chakotay
Ensign Duncel, get those shields up!
Duncel
(in his quarters, in bed) Wow, talk about making the earth move! How was it for you?
Seven
(in Duncel’s quarters, in bed) It was satisfactory, Ensign; however, I could offer you advice on improving your technique.
Chakotay
(on the Bridge) Duncel, did you hear what I said?

Chakotay turns around to find no one at the tactical station. He, then, jumps out of his seat and runs around to man it himself. Doing this, he raises the shields and fires phasers at the B’tocks. After a few seconds, the B’tocks explodes.

Paris
Well, that was easy.
Chakotay
Bridge to Ensign...
Doctor
Sickbay to Bridge.
Chakotay
Yes, Doctor, what is it?
Doctor
I just wanted to inform you that the antidote is ready. I am now preparing to enter it into the ship’s air supply.
Chakotay
Good work, Doctor. I’ll inform the Captain.

In the turbolift, Janeway is looking Kim over. Kim is trying to avoid making eye contact with her.

Kim
(nervously) Is it hot in here, or is it just me?
Janeway
(walking over and caressing his body) Harry, did anyone ever tell you that you have what must be the firmest butt in all of Starfleet?

Kim swallows hard and chokes on his saliva.

Chakotay
(over communicator) Chakotay to Janeway.
Janeway
(annoyed) What is it, Chakotay?
Chakotay
Are you and Ensign Kim all right?
Janeway
Fine, Chakotay, leave us alone.
Chakotay
Kathryn?
Kim
Commander, please beam us out of here... now.
Chakotay
(pausing) Acknowledged, Ensign, stand by.
Janeway
(now, also running her fingers through Kim’s hair) Harry, I haven’t had sex in almost four years. Don’t make me make this an order.

Janeway maneuvers Kim into a corner, then they are both beamed out of the turbolift. The next day, Chakotay arrives in Sickbay to visit Tuvok.

Chakotay
(stopping by Tuvok’s bedside) You’re looking well, Mister Tuvok. How has the good doctor been treating you?
Tuvok
Quite well, Commander, and thank you. I am, however, experiencing a strange lack of memory as to the reason that I am here. It is most disconcerting.
Chakotay
If it’s of any comfort, you’re not alone. Half the crew is going through the same thing.
Tuvok
(perplexed) Half of Voyager’s crew has no recollection as to why I am here?
Chakotay
(thinking about this) Something like that, Tuvok. You’ll have to ask the Doctor for the specifics.
Tuvok
I shall do so, Commander.

Chakotay smiles, then exits Sickbay. In her ready room, Janeway is lying on the sofa with an ice pack on her forehead. The doorbell buzzes and she winces in pain.

Janeway
Come in... quietly.

Kim enters, then reconsiders.

Kim
(turning around) Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.
Janeway
What is it, Harry?
Kim
(turning around again) Captain, I just thought we should talk about what happened?
Janeway
I give up. What happened?
Kim
You know, in the turbolift.
Janeway
My head is splitting, Harry. Please don’t ask me to think right now.

Kim walks over and sits in the chair next to her.

Kim
It’s just that the things you said were kind of... inappropriate.
Janeway
I can’t even remember what happened an hour ago, much less what happened yesterday. If I said something that seemed rash or harsh, you have my apologies.
Kim
(flatly) You honestly don’t remember?
Janeway
Yes, Ensign, I honestly don’t.
Kim
(relieved, standing up) Thank you, Captain. Sorry for disturbing you.
Janeway
No problem, Harry.

Kim turns and walks away. Janeway turns her head just enough to watch him as he exits the room. She allows a pained grin to cross her face and returns her head to its original position.

FADE OUT, CLOSING CREDITS ROLL

This page was last modified on Wednesday, January 26, 2011.