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Episode 1: “When Tribbles Attack, Part I”

Written by “Krenim”

Published March 26, 2000

“Captain’s Log: Sometime after Voyager. Even though I’ve been captain of this vessel for many years, I feel the strange urge to introduce myself. I am Captain Braxton of the Federation Timeship Relativity. I’m pretty sure this is the eighth timeship to bear the name, but whenever Federation ships other than those named Enterprise are given letters in their registration number, it’s usually a mistake, so I’m not so sure about that. I also hold the Federation record for the number of versions of myself in my brig. Right now, Old Captain Braxton, Young Old Psycho Braxton, and Old Old Psycho Braxton are busy confusing each other just by existing.”

Lt. Ducane tapped Captain Braxton’s shoulder. “Uh, sir... You’re talking into your mashed potatoes again...”

Captain Braxton looked around, and sure enough, he was in the Relativity’s mess hall with mashed potatoes in his ear. “Blast this temporal psychosis!”

Lt. Ducane rolled his eyes. “Maybe you’d better go to sickbay.”

Captain Braxton shook his head. “No, that’s a lousy idea. Instead, I’ll go to sickbay.”

4.7 hours later, after getting lost on his own ship, Captain Braxton finally walked into sickbay. The EMH, which just conveniently happened to be the EMH backup that we saw in “Living Witness” after he got back to the Federation, sat Braxton on one of the tables. “Temporal psychosis again, Captain?”

Braxton shook his head. “No, it’s that temporal psychosis again...”

The EMH went into his office and got a hypospray. As he was treating Braxton, Braxton remembered something. “Doctor, I’ve been meaning to have a discussion with you... Now, you’re the EMH backup from ‘Living Witness,’ right?”

“Yes.”

“Now, that episode took place in the 31st Century, right? I mean, it was 700 years after Voyager...”

“Yes.”

“Now, this is the 29th Century, so shouldn’t you still be rusting somewhere in the Delta Quadrant?”

“You think in such four-dimensional terms, Captain.”

“No, I think in four-dimensional terms...”

The frustrated Doctor was just about to whack Braxton on the head with a giant holographic mallet when Ducane’s voice came over the comm. “Sir, there’s an incoming transmission from the Big Giant Head.”

“Okay, fine, patch it through.”

One of the small sickbay monitors flashed, and the image of Captain Jean-Luc Picard’s disembodied head came onscreen. “Good to see you, Captain Braxton.”

“No, its good to see me, sir.”

“Uh... Sure... Now, I have an assignment for you.”

“Did anyone ever tell you you look like Mr. Freeze in those new Batman cartoons? All we need to do is get Kang to do your voice, and we’d be all set.”

“Shut up, Braxton!”

“No, I think I’ll shut up, sir.”

“Whatever. Anyway, your three temporal clones are going to escape and go back in time any minute now.”

“How do you know that, sir?”

“We can scan time, Braxton. Remember?”

“Uhh... Yes?”

“Well, you’d better stop them before they go back in time and start a paradox.”

“No, I’d better stop them before they cause a paradox...”

“Yes, you’re absolutely right. Picard out.”

Captain Braxton made it down to the brig in a few minutes, thanks to all of the “This Way to the Brig” signs he had Ducane make for him previously. He stood menacingly in front of Old Captain Braxton, Young Old Psycho Braxton, and Old Old Psycho Braxton. “Now, you three aren’t planning on escaping, are you?”

Old Captain Braxton said, “Well, since A leads to B and B leads to C...”

“I’ve had enough of your technobabble! Now I want to hear from Young Old Psycho Me.”

VOYAGER GO BOOM!

“Whatever. How about you, Old Old Psycho Me?”

“No, we’re just planning on escaping.”

“Okay, then I can let down the forcefields.”

“No, you can let down the forcefields.”

So Captain Braxton let down the forcefields and left, confident that his three temporal clones would not escape.

A few hours later, Captain Braxton finally made his way back to the bridge after finally pulling over for directions. The ship was at Red Alert. “Ducane! Why are we at Red Alert!”

“Because your three temporal clones just escaped!”

“That’s impossible! They told me they would escape!”

“They did!”

“Oh. I see your point. They must be very clever to confuse me like that. How did they escape?”

“They took the Aeon.”

“My old ship?”

Ducane rolled his eyes and joked, “No, sir, your pet cat...”

“They took my pet cat?”

“No, sir...”

“But they took my old ship?”

“Yes.”

“But not my cat?”

“Yes.”

“Well then, that’s okay.”

“No sir, that’s not okay! They’re going back in time to undoubtedly do something terrible to the timeline!”

“No, I’m sure they’re just going to do something terrible to the timeline. Oh... I see your point. We should follow them.”

“Yes, we should. I’ve already locked onto their time coordinates. Should I commence time travel?”

“No, you should commence time travel.”

With that, the Relativity vanished from the 29th Century...

To Be Continued...

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.