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Episode 4: “When Tribbles Attack, Part IV”

Written by “Krenim”

Published March 31, 2000

“Captain’s Log. We are proceeding to search Voyager deck by deck for the tribbles, as we cannot, for some reason, detect them with internal sensors...”

“Braxton! Get out of my chair!”

“Well, okay, but only if I can sit in Chakotay’s chair.”

“Deal! Sulu! Get out of Chakotay’s chair!”

“Well then, where will I sit?”

“Nobody’s sitting at the conn right now...”

Sulu’s face began to twitch. “No! No! I’ll never go back there! Never! Never!”

“Calm down, Sulu! If you don’t want to sit at conn, I’ll just order another chair sent up here...”

“Well, okay...”

Janeway suddenly remembered something. “Speaking of Chakotay, where is he?”

“He insulted me, and I said I’d never recommend anyone like him to be in Starfleet, and he vanished.”

“Oh, I understand now. You were the one that recommended Chakotay for Starfleet. Since you won’t now, he never joined Starfleet. I wonder what’s his life’s like right now...”


On Risa...

Chakotay sunned himself on a beach chair. “Heh, heh, heh... My plan worked! No more lousy episodes for me! From now on, it’s just rest and relaxation!”


Meanwhile, back in the 23rd Century, the crew of the Excelsior kept themselves busy waiting for Sulu to return...

Valtane finished drawing a line through the center of the bridge. “Done!”

Rand ran up to the line. “I’ve always wanted to do this...”

She began hopping back and forth over the line. “Now I’m in the Alpha Quadrant! Now I’m in the Beta Quadrant! Alpha Quadrant! Beta Quadrant! Alpha! Beta! Alpha...”


Braxton, Ducane, Sulu, and Janeway ran into Voyager’s mess hall. “Mr. Neelix! You said you found the tribbles!”

Neelix held up a tribble. “Yes, Captain.”

“That’s right! I’m the captain!”

“Shut up, Sulu! Good work, Mr. Neelix.”

“Not really, Captain, I found three of them eating some of my leola root stew, but I only managed to capture this one.”

Braxton’s face was filled with horror. “They ate! That’s terrible!”

“Because they’ll multiply out of control?”

“No, because they ate after midnight!”

Janeway thwacked Braxton upside the head. “You idiot! You’re thinking of Mogwais!”

Ducane stepped forward. “No, Captain, he’s right. If tribbles eat before midnight, they multiply. If they eat after midnight, they undergo a terrible metamorphosis.”

“Into Gremlins?”

“No, even worse... Ex-guest stars!”

“Nooooooooooooooooooo!”

“I’m afraid so, Captain!”

Even as Ducane said those words, the tribble in Neelix’s hands began to mutate.

Janeway backed up in horror. “No, it can’t be... It’s... It’s... Maje Culluh!

Maje Culluh jumped up and tried to rip one of the mess hall’s replicators out of the wall. “Replicator mine! Replicator mine!”

Everyone grabbed their phasers and vaporized Culluh.

Braxton led the team out the door. “We’ve got to find those other two tribbles before they cause anymore havoc!”

Ducane tapped Braxton on the shoulder. “Captain, all this adventure must be good for you! You haven’t shown any signs of your temporal psychosis yet this episode!”

“No, I just haven’t shown any signs of my temporal psychosis yet this episode...”


Seven of Nine was working in the Astrometrics Lab when the doors opened behind her. She turned around and found herself facing Kes.

“Aha! I’ve finally found you, Seven!”

Kes flung out lightning bolts from her fingers, zapping Seven. “You will pay the price for your lack of vision!”

“Uh... Wrong sci-fi series... Besides, I have increased visual acuity...”

“Shut up and die, screen-hog!”

Kes’ face suddenly contorted in pain as she was phasered out of existence by Janeway, who just snuck up behind her. “Seven, are you alright?”

“I just had a bazillion volts run through my body! How do you think I feel?”

“Uh... Just fine?”

Seven thwacked Janeway upside the head as she hobbled down to sickbay.

Tuvok’s voice came over the comm system. “Captain, I managed to kill one of the tribbles.”

“Excellent! That means we got all three! Who was the third one?”

“Naomi Wildman.”

“Tuvok, you idiot! The tribbles are ex-guest stars, not current ones!”

“Oh... So... I guess killing the Borg kids wasn’t such a hot idea either...”

“No, Tuvok... I’d punish you, but since we never pay attention to continuity anyways, you’d be back to normal by the next episode. Just never do it again.”

“Very well, Captain. Tuvok out.”


Janeway headed back to the bridge, only to find that another Captain Janeway was already there. “Aha! So, the third ex-guest star is the ‘Course: Oblivion’ Janeway Clone!”

The other Janeway laughed. “So, you found me too, huh? Well, for your information, I’m not the ‘Course: Oblivion’ Janeway! I’m the ‘Deadlock’ Janeway! And I’m going to blow up your Voyager this time!”

Harry grinned. “No, you’re not...”

“And why not?”

“Because I poisoned your coffee!”

“Oh... That’s a very good reason...”

The Janeway clone then collapsed on the floor. She motioned for the real Janeway to come close. Janeway knelt next to her. “Yes, what is it?”

“Promise me... You’ll... Get your crew... Home...”

“You know, I’m sick and tired of people making me promise that. Like the series is really going to end with everyone dying...”

Promise!

“Okay... Okay... I promise...”

The “Deadlock” Janeway then died.

Janeway then turned to Harry. “Good work, Mr. Kim! How did you know she was an impostor?”

“Uh...”

The End... But not really...


UPN Promo:

Next time, on Star Trek: Series ?, it’s Captain Braxton vs. Captain Sulu as they try to figure out whose series it really is...

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.