“Captain’s Log. Having finished my spiffy list of new crew members, I now have to bring them into the 29th Century.”
Braxton and Ducane stood in the Relativity’s transporter room. Ducane stood at the controls while Braxton started reading off the list. “Okay, first we need Jadzia.”
“Well, sir, we should probably beam her directly to sickbay. Without immediate medical attention using our super-duper 29th Century technology, she’ll die without the worm-thing.”
“No, I think we should beam her directly to aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I mean, good idea! Next on our list is Gul Dukat.”
“Very well, sir. Commencing transport.”
Gul Dukat appeared on the transporter pad in a shimmering blue beam, looking quite confused. “Where am I?”
Braxton stepped forward. “Greetings, Gul Dukat. I am Captain Braxton. We have transported you to the 29th Century because we need crew members in a hurry. You’re going to be our Chief Engineer!”
“Chief Engineer? I don’t know a thing about engineering! Send me back right now!”
“You want me to send you back to plummeting into a fiery pit of despair?”
“Uh... Chief Engineer it is! Glad to be aboard, sir!”
“Excellent! Let’s see who’s next on my list... Tasha Yar!”
Yar was beamed aboard, also quite confused. “What’s going on?”
“I’m Captain Braxton of the 29th Century Federation Timeship Relativity. I’ve saved you from certain death so you can be my security officer.”
“Sure, why not... It’s either that or be killed by a pool of ink...”
“I thought you’d see it my way. Ducane, beam Kes aboard!”
Kes was beamed aboard. She focused on Braxton. “Braxton!”
“Yes, that’s right! Me! Anyway, I’ve saved your acting career by having you appointed as my ship’s counselor!”
“Actually, I have been working...”
“Sure you have... Sure...”
Kes zapped Braxton with bolts of lightning. “Don’t forget Braxton, I still have godlike powers!”
“Okay, okay... You still have a career... Do you want to be my ship’s counselor or not?”
“Sure, why not...”
“Excellent! My crew has been assembled! Now, let’s go get my evil temporal clones!”
Meanwhile, back on the Aeon...
“Anyone thought of another evil plan yet?”
“VOYAGER GO BOOM!”
Suddenly, an alarm went off in the cockpit. Old Captain Braxton checked it out. “If A leads to B, and B leads to C...”
“I’ve had enough of your technobabble! Just get on with it!”
“Okay, okay... The Excelsior is on a temporal intercept course!”
“Yup. They’re hailing us.”
“Rats! I just had the windshield replaced last week!”
“No, you didn’t!”
“Oh yeah... Well, put them onscreen!”
Rand and Valtane appeared onscreen. Old Old Psycho Braxton shook his fist at them. “Go away! Can’t you see we’re trying to formulate an evil plan?”
Valtane motioned for him to stop. “We can’t talk until after our theme song...”
They’re Rand and Valtane!
They’re Rand and Valtane!
One once got fired,
The other’s a pain!
They’re traveling through time,
Soon we’ll end this stupid rhyme!
They’re Rand, they’re Rand and Valtane, Valtane, Valtane, Valtane, Valtane!
“Okay, now we can talk.”
“That’s a stupid theme song! Anyway, we don’t want to talk to you!”
“We want you to join us in our pursuit of vengeance against Captain Braxton and Sulu! We need a captain!”
“Hmm... This could be just the evil plan we’ve been looking for! Deal!”
“Okay, park the Aeon in Shuttlebay 1.”
A few minutes later, Rand and Valtane met the Braxton Bunch face to face. Rand pointed at Old Captain Braxton. “Since you’re still a captain, you now have command of the Excelsior. What are your orders?”
“Well, if A leads to B, and B leads to C...”
“I’ve had enough of your technobabble! What are your orders?”
“Okay, I want to meet the senior staff!”
“You’re looking at it.”
“Only the two of you? Well, I guess we’ll have to resort to pulling classic Trek villains from the past to flesh out our little band.”
“No can do. As villains, we get paid significantly less, so we can’t afford to hire any expensive Trek villains. We’ll have to hire characters from other shows.”
“Very well, make it so...”
Meanwhile, in the Relativity’s sickbay, the Doctor was mumbling to himself after saving Jadzia’s life...
“Lousy rotten series... I’ve only been in one episode so far...”
Jadzia then slowly woke up. “I’m cold... So cold...”
The Doctor tried to calm her down. “That’s an aftereffect of having the symbiont removed.”
“No, it’s not! It’s the effect of having the air conditioning up way too high! Turn it down!”
While the Doctor was turning down the AC, Captain Braxton came in. “I’m just checking to see how my new science officer is doing. I’m Captain Braxton of the Timeship Relativity. I saved you from certain death!”
“I’m grateful and all, but there’s one thing wrong with your plan...”
“The Dax symbiont had all the brains. I’m dumb as a... a... you know... those things... they’re gray... on the ground...”
“Yeah, I’m dumb as a rock.”
“Oh well... On the down side, we have an idiot for a science officer. On the plus side, we have another running gag! Well, when you’re well enough, I want you on the bridge. We’re going after my crazy temporal clones once and for all!”
To Be Continued...