“Captain’s Log: I continue to be held against my will by these jerks that call themselves the Progeny. If they have their way, they will reverse the effects of the Plah D’Viz! (Hey, remember that thing? That was a while ago, wasn’t it? Hooray for continuity! Wait... No, continuity is bad! That’s what got me into this situation! Down with continuity! This is a lot of stuff to put in parentheses, isn’t it?) Anyway, my only hope is that my loyal crew will come up with a brilliant plan to rescue me...”
On the Relativity, Ducane asked the crew, “Anybody got a brilliant plan yet?”
Everyone replied, “No.”
Braxton sighed. “Well, I guess it probably doesn’t matter anyway. I doubt they’ll be able to catch up to me anyway...”
The same energy from before came out of the wall, and the same alien woman appeared. Your friends may have an opportunity to catch up to us. We have taken up a position near your galaxy’s core for the time being.
“How sporting of you.”
Not really. Your culture’s level of technology is insufficient to damage our vessel.
“Wow. You use the same speechwriter as the Borg?”
I still don’t know what a Borg is.
“Heh. Well, when they find out you’re here and you’ve got some nice juicy technology to assimilate, they’re going to show up and show you who’s boss!”
Are you kidding us? We’ve gotten our collective rear-ends kicked by just about everybody in the galaxy lately. In fact, the only guys who haven’t kicked our rear ends are the ever-lame Kazon. Wait, hold on... Okay, we just got beaten by the Kazon. If we weren’t the joke of the galaxy before, we are now.
Braxton sighed again. “Okay, or maybe not. Am I going to catch a break at some point this season?”
The Progeny woman eyed Braxton confusedly. You really are a strange creature. And what was with doing a log earlier, anyway? You don’t even have a recording device.
“I’m supposed to record these logs?”
The Progeny woman was about to explain the whole point of having a log in the first place, when the Chakotron (which was still laying the corner of the room) said, “Don’t bother. Many have tried. All have failed.”
Braxton left behind the subject of his logs. “So... Why have we stopped, then?”
It is much harder to undo something than it is to do it in the first place. To reverse the effects of the Plah D’Viz, it is necessary to gather much data. That is why we have been scanning you this whole time. Further data may be necessary, so we have taken up a position in which we may optimally scan your entire galaxy.
Thinking down to your level would give me a headache, if I had a corporeal head. Let me put it this way... We need to know stuff about you, what you’ve done, and where you’ve been. From here, we can get that easily.
Meanwhile, back on the Relativity, the crew continued to try to think of a plan...
Kes finally said what everyone was thinking. “I don’t think we stand a chance of rescuing Captain Braxton, sir.”
Ducane scowled. “We have to stand a chance. We’re the good guys. All we have to do is find the one exploitable flaw in our enemy’s defenses that allows us to win and wrap up this three-parter nicely.”
Dax shook her head. “I don’t think these guys have a flaw in their defenses, sir. I’ve been poring over sensor data from the battle at Starbase 47. It would take as much power to blow up an entire system as it would to bring down their shields.”
Ducane’s eyes lit up. “Dax, you’re brilliant!”
“Yes, I am.”
“Damar! Xaronna! You’re with me! The rest of you are unimportant to my plan, so you can just lounge around and do nothing!”
The three got in the turbolift and headed elsewhere. Everyone else looked confused. The Doctor asked, “How are we supposed to lounge around and do nothing when the captain’s life is at stake?”
Yar answered, “Like you do all the time. When’s the last time you even had to do anything medical, anyway?”
Before Yar could finish her question, the Doctor had propped his feet up on a console and was taking a holo-nap...
Some time later, the Progeny woman appeared again. There is a ship approaching us. It appears to be one of yours.
Braxton grinned wickedly. “You’re in for it now! My big bad ship and my big bad crew is about to rescue me!”
Uh... I hate to have to tell you this, but that ship’s even smaller than this one, and there’s not even anybody in it.
An image of the approaching ship appeared in mid-air. It was indeed not the Relativity.
It was the Aeon.
Braxton said, “Why do I have the feeling I should know that ship?”
A few light-years away, on the Relativity...
Ducane watched the main viewscreen so intently that you would think his eyes would burn a hole in it. “How much longer?”
Damar replied, “If the auto-pilot is working, just a few more seconds.”
The Aeon continued to zoom towards the Progeny vessel. The alien woman looked amused as she watched the image. How cute. I think it’s going to ram us.
Braxton, who had really been puzzling over where he knew the approaching ship from, finally figured out what was going on. “Oh heck...”
He quickly shut his eyes and turned away from the image of the approaching Aeon...
Damar shouted, “Misaligning Aeon temporal drive... now!”
Even from several light-years away, the resulting explosion lit up the viewscreen. Everyone turned away except for Yar, who just smiled and said, “That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen...”
Once it died down, Ducane shouted, “Lay in a course for the alien vessel, maximum hyperwarp!”
Dax asked, “Hey, if we were several light-years away from that, shouldn’t it have taken several years for us to see that explosion?”
Kes replied, “Dramatic license.”
The Progeny vessel was badly damaged. The alien woman shouted, They just blew up an entire system!
Braxton, who was coughing from the smoke, asked, “Were we even in a system?”
Well, no. But we could have been!
Before Braxton could say anything else, he disappeared in a blue Starfleet transporter beam...
“Ducane to Transporter Room 1! Do you have him?”
“Perfect! Yar, blow that ship the frell up!”
Yar grinned wickedly again. A huge barrage of paradox torpedoes and molecular disruptor beams shot out from the Relativity. The Progeny vessel was completely destroyed.
Hours later, with the Relativity heading back to Starbase 47, Captain Braxton rested in his ready room. The doors opened, and Commander Ducane stepped inside. “How are you doing, sir?”
“Not bad, considering.”
“I hate to paraphrase Janeway, sir, but I doubt we’ve seen the last of the Progeny. They’re bent on recreating your paradox. However, I think we’ll have a while to prepare.”
“How do you figure?”
“They’re the show’s new übervillains, so it’ll be at least half a season before we see them again. Otherwise, they’ll get run into the ground like the Borg.”
Hey... Well, okay, he’s right.
Braxton breathed a small sigh of relief. “Brilliant plan, by the way.”
“Well, misaligning the Aeon’s temporal drive was the only way to bring down their shields. I’m just really sorry we had to blow up your old ship...”
“That was my old ship?”
“Never mind, sir. Good to have you back.”
As Ducane left, he muttered to himself, “Now I feel smart again...”
Can Admiral Janeway do the impossible and escape from Rura Penthe? Will the eternally lame Zo’or be of any help? Find out in Part I of “The Changing Face of Idiocy”!