Episode 110: “The Changing Face of Idiocy, Part III”
Written by “Krenim”
Published November 24, 2004
Zo’or stood proudly in front of the evil Excelsior’s evil warp core, with Admiral Janeway standing next to him. “I’m finished! Behold the ID drive!”
The warp core had been heavily modified, with blue organic technology covering most of it.
Janeway smirked. “I gotta admit, Zo’or... Nice work. How’d you get it built so fast?”
“I used the replicators.”
“Replicators? I thought this ship didn’t have replicators.”
“You forget that, after the ship was reset, it played out its role in history. It eventually got replicators installed.”
“Oh. Well, that’s nifty. Are we ready to go get my evil minions?”
“Not yet. Remember, this thing actually only goes to other dimensions when it’s broken. We have to break it first.”
Janeway whipped out a phaser rifle. “I think I can handle that.”
Zo’or lunged for the phaser rifle, and managed to deflect the beam so that it hit the ceiling instead.
Janeway was furious. “What did you do that for? I thought you said it needed to be broken!”
“It does. But that’s still a warp core, you know. You want to blow us both to bits in a warp core breach?”
“Oops. Okay, I’ve got another plan...”
By this time, a very charred Captain Braxton had gotten zapped several hundred times by the irate Xaronna. All of a sudden, the bridge started beeping.
Dax checked her console. “We’re recieving a transmission from the Starfleet Museum. Janeway and Zo’or just stole the Excelsior and crashed it though the hull while escaping. Going backwards.”
The fried Braxton managed to mumble, “But... we... watching...”
Ducane interrupted. “We were watching the Excelsior in the 23rd Century. Like I suspected, she stole it in the 29th Century. Can we track it?”
Dax checked the sensors. “Yeah, no problem. They can’t have gotten far with only warp drive. And given that they were going backwards, I really doubt anybody has the expertise to mask their warp trail.”
Braxton mumbled, “Get... Janeway...”
Ducane translated. “Lay in a course for the Excelsior.”
Xaronna plotted a course, but not before she zapped Braxton a few more times...
A little while later, Janeway and Zo’or were relaxing on the evil bridge of the evil Excelsior. Janeway had her feet propped up on one of the railings, with a huge mug of coffee in her hands. “Now this is some good coffee!”
Zo’or, being mostly energy and having no need to consume anything, was getting slightly impatient. “How much longer are we going to sit here?”
“Not much longer. If I know Braxton, he’ll be here any moment.”
On cue, the Relativity dropped out of hyperwarp right in front of the Excelsior. Braxton, having finally received some medical attention, was back to normal. Well, normal for him. “Janeway, my mortal enemy! Drop out of warp!”
Janeway sighed and rubbed her forehead. “Still the total dolt, aren’t you, Braxton... I’m not at warp! I’ve just been sitting here!”
“Oh. Well then, go to warp!”
Braxton was then shoved aside by Ducane, who took over. “Give it up, Janeway. You can’t escape.”
“Oh can’t I? Zo’or, raise shields!”
Zo’or punched a few buttons. “Shields raised.”
Braxton, wanting to reassume control of his own ship, shouted to Yar, “Shoot them! Shoot them now!”
Yar sighed. “Well, okay...”
“What? Since when have you not wanted to blow stuff up?”
“But what’s the point? The Excelsior’s obsolete. It doesn’t pose any threat to us. There’s no challenge.”
Ducane thought for a second. “That’s right. It doesn’t. Janeway must know that those shields won’t protect her. That means... Don’t shoot!”
Braxton, who had already leaned over Yar’s console and hit the “Fire Weapons” button, responded, “Don’t do what now?”
Several torpedoes launched from the Relativity and blew through the Excelsior’s shields like they were butter. Onboard the Excelsior, Janeway and Zo’or were thrown to the floor by the impact. Janeway picked herself up, dusted herself off, and asked, “Damaged enough now?”
Zo’or checked the ID drive. “Perfectly.”
Janeway turned back to the viewscreen. “Thanks for the help, suckers! Catch you later!”
And with that, the ID drive powered up and the evil Excelsior vanished.
This would be where all the wacky adventures Janeway and Zo’or had while reassembling the evil crew of the evil Excelsior would be written down. But I’ve got a 26-episode season to stick to, so I’m just going to skip over all of that.
What? You mean you don’t want me to skip over that? Well, too bad! Bwahahahaha!
Quite some time later, Janeway and Zo’or had picked up Dark Helmet, Dr. Frankenstein, Yoda, Hawk, and Harvey the Wonder Hamster from their respective dimensions. Everyone was wearing oversized Mexican hats and fake moustaches. Janeway sighed. “Those have got to be the wackiest adventures we’ve ever had. Remember the part with the monkey and the death ray?”
Everybody started laughing. Janeway turned to the camera and grinned evilly. “Wouldn’t you like to know what we’re laughing about? Hahahahaha! Anyway, back to business!”
Yoda said, “Have everyone we do not. Get Rand, Valtane, and Dukat we must.”
“Don’t worry, I’ve got that covered.”
Hawk asked, “But won’t Starfleet have the 29th Century bottomless pit on Bajor and the Excelsior in the 23rd Century watched?”
“Yes, but I’ve taken precautions against that, remember? Prepare for flashback!”
Several months ago, right before “The Final Excelsior Battle (Really), Part I”...
Janeway walked up to Rand, who was stationed at her, uh, station. “Rand, I need you to do me a favor.”
“It wouldn’t involve vast quantities of pain, would it?”
“No, of course not.”
“Well then, okay.”
“We’re nearing the end of the series (but not really), so we may get defeated and separated. Just in case I can’t get you back, I want to record your memory engrams.”
Janeway attached a little medical doodad to Rand’s forehead, which started beeping. A minute later, Janeway removed it. “Perfect.”
“Out of curiosity, what do you need my memory engrams for?”
“If I can’t get you back, I’ll just have to clone you, so I’ll need your memories stored. Speaking of which, I’ll need a genetic sample from you.”
Janeway then whipped out a huge machete and sliced off Rand’s right arm. Rand started screaming. “Aaaah! Aaaah! You sliced off my arm! Aaaah!”
“Stop being a baby, Rand.”
“Fine, go see Frankenstein. I’m sure he can go grow you a new arm. Now, where’s Valtane and Dukat...?”
Back in the present, Janeway smiled and said, “Good times... Anyway, I went and hid those memories and genetic samples deep within an asteroid belt. All we have to do is pick them up, make the clones, and dump the memories into them.”
Several hours later, the evil Excelsior re-emerged in the Star Trek universe near the asteroid belt. Deep within one of the large asteroids, several transporter beams deposited the evil crew in a small cavern. They walked slowly, being in environmental suits.
Janeway pointed her futuristic flashlight towards the wall. “There they are.”
Sure enough, several containers were perched on outcroppings of rock. Janeway grabbed the one labelled “Valtane.” Hawk grabbed the one labelled “Rand.” Dark Helmet attempted to grab the one labelled “Dukat,” but his helmet hit the outcropping, sending it tumbling to the ground where it shattered.
Janeway was furious. “You idiot! Now we have to go get a new chief engineer!”
Zo’or raised his hand and waved it wildly. “Ooh, ooh! Pick me! Pick me!”
“Not you, Zo’or.”
“Why not? I helped you escape from Rura Penthe, and steal the Excelsior, and get your crew back!”
“Yes, but you’re still lame.”
“Shut up, Zo’or. I don’t want to break anybody new in, so who can we get that we’re familiar with and is good with tech?”
Everyone knew the answer to that one, but they kept their mouths shut and hoped Janeway wouldn’t think what they were thinking.
Unfortunately, she did.
“Set a course for the Babylon 5 universe! We’re going to get Zathras!”
Woe of woes! Calamity of calamities! The Excelsior returns to the Babylon 5 universe in our next exciting episode!