Episode 113: “Bride of Galvatron, Part II”
Written by “Krenim”
Published January 12, 2005
Previously on Star Trek: Series ?...
The Relativity crew was horrified to learn that not only was Robo-Nechayev still alive, but she was marrying Galvatron! Arriving on Risa, Braxton is drafted to perform the ceremony, with Ducane and Yar being the Best Man and Maid of Honor, respectively. Unfortunately for all involved the evil crew of the evil Excelsior learn of the impending wedding and plan to ruin it!
And now the conclusion!
In the evil Excelsior’s evil Engineering room, Zo’or and Apophis were at work repairing the ship’s ID drive. Zo’or, however, was the one doing most of the work. “This would probably go a lot faster if we still had all the nameless flunkies onboard.”
”Kneel before Apophis!”
“And would you cut that out? You’re not on one of your Goa’uld warships, you don’t have legions of Jaffa warriors under your command, and nobody here thinks you’re a god.”
Apophis almost tried to zap Zo’or with his hand device before he realized that Janeway had already broken it. Instead, his eyes flashed for a second, and then he asked, “Where is the rest of this crew?”
“Long story. Long complicated story. Long complicated silly story.”
Apophis decided not to inquire further. About an hour later, Zo’or tapped his communicator. “Zo’or to Janeway. You’ve got a working ID drive at your disposal.”
Janeway’s voice came over the comm. “Are you the Chief Engineer, Zo’or?”
“Then I don’t want to hear from you! Apophis?”
“Kneel before Apophis!”
“Whatever. Are we good to go?”
Apophis looked over to Zo’or, who nodded. Apophis simply replied, “Yes.”
Meanwhile, back on Risa, most of the staff was continuing to enjoy their vacation as Braxton, Ducane, and Yar were working on the wedding. Everyone was still on the beach catching some rays, except for the Doctor who technically was nothing but rays.
All of a sudden, everything went dark. Kes, lounging in a beach chair, turned around to see what was going on, expecting to see a cloud blocking the sun. It wasn’t a cloud. Kes could only say, “Oh heck... Everybody back to the ship! Now!”
Inside the Relativity (which by now had landed on the planet’s surface), Galvatron and Co. were continuing to work on the wedding. All of a sudden, Braxton came running up to everyone else. “Uh, Galvatron? There’s somebody outside who would like to have a word with you.”
“Oh really? Bwahahahaha! Who is it?”
“A Mr. Unicorn?”
“Mr. Unicorn? I don’t know a... Wait. He wouldn’t happen to be, oh, say, the size of a planet, would he?”
“Well, I didn’t want to say anything about his weight, but yeah.”
Galvatron sighed. “That’s Unicron, Braxton. Not Unicorn. Everybody, follow me.”
Everybody crammed into a turbolift, which just happened to go all the way to the top of the ship. Sure enough, most of the sky had been blotted out by the massive robotic form of Unicron. Galvatron began flying upwards towards the massive Transformer.
Braxton looked more confused than usual. “Am I the only one who didn’t know he could fly?”
Galvatron eventually got high enough that he was face-to-gigantic-face with Unicron. Unicron spoke in a voice so loud that it would have blasted Galvatron away were he not in space, which was odd because sound shouldn’t travel in space anyway. I have summoned you here for a purpose.
“No one summons Galvatron!”
From way way below, Robo-Nechayev’s voice could be heard, even though she was so far away that she shouldn’t have been heard. And, you know, the space thing. Get back down here!
“In a minute!”
Ahem. Planet-sized Transformer talking here.
“Sorry. Now what do you want?”
You have not invited me to your wedding.
“Well... First of all, we weren’t on the best of terms the last time we met.”
It wasn’t that bad.
“You ate me!”
“That brings me to my second point. I lived. You didn’t! You’re supposed to be dead!”
“Thirdly, you’re not even supposed to be in this dimension!”
You’re in this dimension.
“Oh yeah. Lastly, you’re a bit big to attend the wedding.”
Is that a crack about my weight?
“No, but I think you’re kind of affecting tides down there. You stick around too much longer and your gravity will shake Risa to pieces. I’ll tell you what... You can watch, but you’ve got to move to a farther orbit. And stop blocking the sun. This is a resort planet, you know.”
Very well. I’ll have to wear my glasses, though. I’m very near-sighted.
And so, despite the fact that there was a colossal robot hanging in the sky, preparations for the wedding continued. Finally, the ceremony was ready to begin...
Braxton, Ducane, and Yar stood on top of the Relativity, which had been decorated for the occasion, while the rest of the crew was showing the guests to their seats. Everyone was dressed in 29th Century dress uniforms. No, I don’t know what 29th Century dress uniforms look like, so use your imagination. Braxton was having a panic attack. “I can’t marry them! I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing!”
Yar rolled her eyes. “So what else is new?”
Ducane, as usual, was completely prepared. He handed Braxton a PADD. “Here you go, sir. Here’s the entire ceremony written down for you. I even spelled out the hard words phonetically for you.”
Braxton skimmed over the PADD. “Very good, Ducane, but what’s this word?”
Braxton showed the PADD to Ducane and pointed to the first word. Ducane sighed. “That would be ‘we’, sir.”
“Oh. And the next word?”
“This is going to be a long ceremony, isn’t it?”
Everybody else was still showing guests to their seats, and oddly, the vast majority of guests were Starfleet officers. The Doctor walked up to the next guest in line. “Friend of the bride or groom?”
“Neither. I got this order to attend.”
“You and everybody else here. Pick a seat. Any seat.”
Eventually, all the seats were filled, and the ceremony began. Galvatron stood in the front with Braxton and Ducane, with his metal exterior painted to vaguely resemble a tuxedo. As the music began, Yar walked down the aisle first, and Robo-Nechayev soon followed, with plates of duranium added that vaguely resembled a wedding dress. The music stopped, and the ceremony began...
The evil Excelsior quickly approached Risa. Janeway smiled wickedly. “Scan for artificial lifeforms. When you find two of them next to each other, bombard the snot out of them.”
Hawk replied, “If they’re artificial, do they even have...”
“It’s a figure of speech, you dolt!”
After a few seconds, Valtane completed the scans of the area. “I’ve found three artificial lifeforms in scanning range. One is the size of a small planet and is in geosynchronous orbit. And I think it’s wearing bifocals. The other two are right next to each other. And you won’t believe where they are.”
Janeway scowled. “I don’t care.”
“They’re on top of the Relativity, which has landed on the planet’s surface! It’s a sitting duck!”
Janeway immediately went from scowling to drooling in anticipation. She lept out of her seat and shoved Hawk away from his console. “Out of my way! I’m going to blow them all up myself!”
Back on Risa, the ceremony was progressing very slowly. Braxton struggled with his lines. “And now... the bride and... groom... have prepared their own... vows. Pause for vows.”
Robo-Nechayev seethed at Braxton. You weren’t supposed to say that, moron!
Before Braxton could be throttled, several red bolts that were obviously photon torpedoes struck the ground around the ship, sending dirt flying everywhere.
Who dares disturb the Robo-Nechayev’s wedding?!
Yar shouted back, “Only one ship I know of still carries photon torpedoes... The Excelsior!”
“What do you mean, I missed?!?!”
Janeway had hoisted up Valtane by his collar. Valtane stammered out, “You hit all around them, but you missed the ship.”
Hawk let out a quiet “Ha ha!”
“Fine! I’ll just fire some more shots!”
Valtane interrupted. “I don’t think we have time to do that.”
“And why not?”
“Because that giant third robot thing is reaching for us!”
“What?! Raise shields!”
Sure enough, Unicron was reaching out to grab the evil Excelsior. He succeeded in doing so, and raised up the ship to his eye to inspect it. He looked at it for a few seconds, and when his curiosity was satisfied, he flicked it into deep space. Luckily (or unluckily, considering they’re the bad guys), the shields protected it from most of the damage, and it beat a hasty retreat.
Down on the planet’s surface, the guests were scattering in all directions, sliding off the ship’s hull. Braxton shouted, “Get in the ship! We’ll lift off and fight back!”
Galvatron pointed up in the sky. “I don’t think that will be necessary.”
The silhouette of Unicron was clearly giving the thumbs-up.
The ceremony could then resume, but with most of the guests running away, and everything covered in a fine layer of debris, Braxton decided to hurry things along. He threw the PADD away and pointed at Galvatron. “Do you want to marry her?”
“Do you want to marry him?”
“Then I now pronounce you robot and robot. You may kiss the robot.”
“Captain’s Log, Supplemental: With the wedding over, Galvatron and Robo-Nechayev have left for their honeymoon. There’s an image I didn’t need in my head. The Excelsior has left for who-knows-where, and Unicron has left now that his cameo is over. In a rare moment of generosity, Robo-Nechayev granted the crew extended shore leave before she left, so we’re all getting some sun. Enjoy the fanservice of members of the crew in swimwear while you can, assuming your imagination isn’t shot...”
In the next exciting episode, a six-hundred-year-old message leads to the discovery of a chain of events that could destroy the Federation!