“For the last time, no!”
Admiral Janeway stormed down one of the evil Excelsior’s evil hallways with an evil duffle bag slung on her back. Behind her were Rand and Valtane, looking as pathetic as they could.
Valtane began whining again. “Pleeeeeease?”
Janeway turned around and gave them the patented Janeway Glare O’Death. “I am not going to let you play your theme song again! I am sick to death of listening to that same stupid verse over and over and over! Now, I am leaving for my vacation, and that’s that!”
Rand piped up this time. “I didn’t think villains went on vacation.”
“It’s an evil vacation.”
Janeway continued to storm off towards one of the shuttlebays, leaving the duo totally defeated. Well, not totally defeated. All of a sudden, the proverbial hamster wheel started turning in Valtane’s head. He called after Janeway. “What if we came up with another verse?!”
Janeway stopped in her tracks. After a few seconds, she turned around and yelled back, “If it’s decent, I’ll let you play it a few times! No more, no less!”
And with that, she walked out of sight.
Rand and Valtane, dumbfounded that they had actually struck a bargain with their irate leader, stood silently for a few seconds, then gave each other a high-five.
On the evil Excelsior’s evil bridge, the rest of the evil senior staff kept tabs on Janeway’s launch. Zo’or announced, “The shuttle is away. So... Now what?”
”Kneel before Apophis!”
The turbolift opened, and Rand and Valtane walked onto the bridge carrying dozens and dozens of PADDs. Everyone watched them as they started mumbling to each other. Finally, Dark Helmet had to ask. “What the heck are you two up to?”
Valtane looked up from his PADDs. “Janeway said we could listen to our theme song again if we could come up with another verse. A good verse.”
Everyone laughed. Well, except for Apophis, who, not having assimilated into the group dynamic yet, simply yelled out “Kneel before Apophis!” again.
Valtane was confused. “What? What’s so funny?”
Yoda fielded that answer. “Musically inclined you are not. Stinks your first verse does. Better you cannot do.”
Rand snapped back, “And you could do better?”
Everyone had to admit that they couldn’t, at which point Rand and Valtane let out a mighty Nelson-ish “Ha ha!” Then they remembered that they couldn’t come up a good verse either, and they slumped down in their seats sadly.
As all seemed lost, Harvey the Wonder Hamster started squeaking loudly.
Zo’or nodded. “You know, the rodent’s right! We’re not musicians! We’re villains! We don’t write music! We make other people do it for us! We’ve got a time-travelling starship at our disposal! Let’s grab history’s greatest musicians and make them write your next verse!”
Everyone was really excited. Well, everyone except for Apophis, who simply leaned towards Zo’or and quietly asked, “You understood what the rat said?”
“Sure, we all do. Can’t you?”
While the evil crew of the evil Excelsior enacted their evil plan, Captain Braxton and his crew were throwing a party for Tasha Yar, who was finally getting an episode of her own. A huge banner with the word “Congratulations!” was strung up atop the bridge, and everyone was having cake and ice cream.
Ducane got everybody gathered together. “Okay, everyone, let’s sing ‘For She’s a Jolly Good Fellow.’ One, two, three!”
Rather than breaking into song, the entire senior staff merely stood silent. Yar quite understandably started getting angry. “What? Aren’t I a jolly good fellow?”
Braxton, fearing a beating from his tactical officer, quickly responded, “It’s not that! I just can’t seem to remember the song for some reason...”
“You can’t even remember where the bridge of your own ship is half the time. What about the rest of you?”
Ducane was getting a bit concerned, and not just because a beating from Yar was imminent. “It’s not just him. I can’t remember how the song goes either.”
Everyone else nodded in agreement. Before they could think of anything else, Dax’s console started playing the Stargate SG-1 theme music. Dax answered the hail, and Admiral Crusher’s face appeared onscreen. “Braxton! We have an emergency!”
Braxton shouted back, “We have our own emergency right now. None of us can remember the words to ‘For She’s a Jolly Good Fellow.’ It’s creepy.”
“That’s the emergency. Music is vanishing all over the Federation! We’ve detected that the cause is the kidnapping of history’s greatest musicians. You get three guesses as to who’s responsible, and the first two don’t count.”
Before Braxton could waste all three guesses, Damar asked, “The Excelsior?”
“Correct. Luckily, they’ve been making so many temporal incursions that we’ve been able to track them down. Here are the coordinates. Good hunting. Crusher out.”
Meanwhile, Dark Helmet shoved Keedera, the famous Klingon composer, into Cargo Bay 1. He took a seat next to the other captives, which included Delvok (a Vulcan composer), Frenchotte (a Romulan composer), and the infamous Joran Belar.
Hawk and Apophis, who were watching over the prisoners, shouted to the new arrival. “Get to work!”
Keedera turned to his musically inclined fellow prisoners. “What’s going on? Who are these people? What do they want?”
Frenchotte answered. “They’re apparently criminals from the 29th Century who want us to write a second verse of a theme song for them. A really bad theme song.”
“That is dishonorable.”
Frenchotte piped up. “None of us like it. Unfortunately, we happen to be the very few non-human composers ever mentioned on Star Trek, so we were the first to get taken.”
Belar added, “So... You’re a Klingon. Do your warrior stuff and get us out of here.”
Keedera sighed. “I’m a musician, not a warrior. I guess we’ll have to work on this theme song.”
Delvok shook his head. “It is impossible. When we said it was a really bad theme song, we were actually being nice.”
Meanwhile, everyone else was lounging around the evil bridge of the evil Excelsior. Valtane chuckled. “I gotta give it to you, Harv, this was an awesome plan. Rand and I will have our second verse in no time.”
And with that Rand and Valtane gave each other another high-five.
All of a sudden, warning klaxons started going off. The Relativity dropped out of hyperwarp directly in front of the Excelsior, and Braxton’s face came onscreen. “Alright, Janeway, I want those musicians and I... Wait, where’s Janeway?”
Yoda replied, “On vacation she is. Here she is not.”
“I didn’t think villains took vacations.”
”Evil vacation it is.”
“Figures. Alright then... uh...”
“Right. Yoda, I want those musicians and I want them now! Then you will surrender yourselves to me!”
Rand interrupted. “Aw, man! All we wanted was another verse to our theme song!”
“Egads! You’re adding on to that monstrosity? You fiends!”
Apophis ran onto the Excelsior bridge, in obvious agony. “It’s awful! Awful, I say! And Kneel before Apophis!”
Rand slapped some sense into Apophis. “What happened?”
“The composers began singing this horrible song over and over!”
“Your theme song! I have never heard anything so obnoxious in my entire life! Why would you ever want another verse?”
And with that, Apophis hit several buttons to transport the composers onboard the Relativity.
Braxton grinned. “That’s better. Now surrender!”
Ducane interrupted. “Actually, sir, we can’t take them into custody.”
”What?!?! Why not?”
“Clause 47.47.47 of the Temporal Accords states that evil time-travelling villains cannot be taken into custody without their evil leader. Since Janeway’s not here, we have to let them go. Besides, our priority is to restore music to the galaxy.”
“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard!”
Before Braxton could complain any further, the Excelsior beat a hasty retreat.
Ducane turned to the Doctor. “Take these composers to Sickbay and erase their memory engrams so they can be returned to their own times. And treat that one for his severe beating.”
“Severe beating? What severe beating?”
Dax had borrowed one of Yar’s phaser rifles and was beating Belar with it over and over. “Take this, you jerk! And this! And this!”
“Oh. That severe beating.”
Several days later, on board the Excelsior...
Rand and Valtane continued to slave over their hordes of PADDs to write a second verse themselves. Fortunately, they couldn’t come up with anything.
Rand sighed. “Well, I guess we’ll have to tell Janeway we couldn’t do it.”
Valtane nodded, then looked concerned. “Wait a minute... Shouldn’t she have been back from vacation by now?”
“You know what? You’re right. She should have been back a while ago.”
And on that mysterious note, the screen fades to black...
Yar finally gets an episode of her own as she goes up against the Orion Syndicate!